Iiris' PoV
I couldn't sleep. Not even for a second. I was scared to death and I could feel cold sweat running down my spine. Aleksi agreed to stay the night with me again, but even that was not calming me down. You are not supposed to be afraid of the one you love... Fear is not love. But for years it has been the only kind of love I knew. It became so normal to me that I didn't even know any other way. Not until now... Not until I saw the pure love between Robyn and Joel at their wedding... That was when I realized that whatever there was between me and Rauli was not love anymore.. It was so far from it. In a very weird way, that wedding opened my eyes.
The time was definitely not on my side and the closer Helsinki got, the more I just wanted to jump into the sea and swim back to Tallinn. As crazy as the idea sounded in my mind, I was so ready to do it. I did not want to go back home without knowing if Rauli was already there or not, it made me anxious. It made me lose my mind and I spent more time in the bathroom than around the table with the others. What I saw from the mirror was the face of fear. It was me, but I have never seen myself like that. Or maybe I had, I just never acknowledged it.
"Hey..." I heard a familiar, rather quiet voice behind me. I turned my head and saw Miryam's worried face staring at me.
"Hi.." I answered and took a paper towel to dry my hands.
"How are-" Miryam started but she could not finish her question because suddenly she covered her mouth and with some very quick steps she made her way into one of the free cabins. Not to be rude and just disappear while she was dealing with her seasickness, I decided to wait and check on her. Once Miryam opened the door I was ready to hand her a paper towel which she accepted with a small smile.
"Thanks..."
"No problem.. The sea is a little rough today.." I said and nervously looked at the clock on my wrist.
"Umh.. It's.. It's not because of... That..." Miryam said quietly and on that same second I realized what she was trying to tell. She was pregnant. Another reason why I should not pull all these nice people into my mess. They all had so much on the line.
"Wow... Niko must be so happy about it.. I noticed how great he was with Ro's baby at the wedding.." The view of Niko dancing with Sophia was something I will never forget. They all cared about that little girl so much that I knew Niko would make a great father. Miryam bit her lip and laughed nervously.
"I haven't told him yet.. I don't know how to do it... Each idea I have just sounds so.. Dumb.."
"There isn't a wrong way to say it... I'm sure you'll find one that feels the best for you.." Even though honestly I had no clue how you tell someone you're pregnant. I have never been in that situation and Susanne just said it as it was. Miryam, on the other hand, seemed to be a type who wanted to somehow surprise Niko, or something like that to make it even more special. I understood her. I would probably want it to be a special moment too. But right now I was not in that state of mind where I could figure out how to tell someone about having a bun in the oven. I was struggling to get my bun out of the oven before it burned.
"Yeah.. I should hurry tho or otherwise he sees it before I get to tell anything.. " Miryam laughed and pointed at the cabin again. I nodded and pointed in the direction of the bathroom door as a sign of leaving from the restrooms. She smiled and I turned around to leave and rejoin the others again.
It was impossible to follow the conversation the others had because in my mind I tried to remember where all my things were that I had to take with me. I knew that once I got home I knew where to find them but I wanted to be prepared, think of some kind of a plan. But it was difficult because each time I went through the plan in my mind, Rauli suddenly appeared at home and he didn't let me leave.
"Hey.. You ok?" Aleksi asked when I had been staring out of the window for a good amount of time, pretending that I could push the approaching land further and further away with the nonexisting power.
"No.." I said and quickly looked at him before turning my eyes back to the window.
"I know it's hard.. But we're gonna help. While you were in the bathroom we figured that instead of you going with the girls, you come with us. There is more free space in Tommi's van.. " Hearing that the girls were not going to come with us was a little relief because I honestly was scared for their lives, especially now when I knew that Robyn wasn't the only one who was expecting.
"He's not gonna hurt you anymore.." Aleksi continued but I knew that not him or anyone else could keep Rauli away from me endlessly. If he wanted, he would find a way to catch me and knowing what he was capable of, scared me. Staying at Aleksi's will be only temporary and as soon as I get there I have to start thinking about my next steps. Of course the others will encourage me to go to the police and tell them all about the abuse but I did not want to deal with Rauli at all. I wanted to have him out of my mind, as fast as possible, and going over all the stuff with the police will not help me to forget him.
When it was finally time to go to the cars I felt my feet getting heavier and heavier, making it impossible to walk. This was not just about leaving Rauli but also leaving my home... As violent as that place was, it was still my home... A place where I slept, ate, showered, where I came every day after work, but from where I also wanted to escape every minute I spent there. I have never felt so conflicted in my life as I feel now. If I hadn't met Aleksi again then I probably would not even be in this situation..
And as soon as Aleksi closed the door of Tommi's van, everything felt even harder. This was it, I had no chance to turn back because these guys were going to drive me home, pack my stuff if I showed any hesitation, and drive me to Aleksi's. It was now or never, and everyone had chosen the now as I was still hovering somewhere in between, thinking if this was a good idea at all.
"So.. What was the address?" Tommi asked as the ferry had finally stopped and opened the hatch. I told him my address although half of my mind was totally against it, and put my seatbelt on. Even putting that freaking thing on was hard because my hands were shaking so badly that Aleksi literally had to plug it for me. I felt ashamed. I knew I should not feel it, none of this was my fault. But I felt ashamed because of letting things go this far, for not being strong enough and standing up for myself without any help. I was weak. Way weaker than I ever thought I would be. I always thought that getting those hits and dealing with the pain they caused would make me strong but no. It felt ridiculous to finally accept the fact that I was weak and I needed help.. But on the other hand there was nothing ridiculous in that. I had finally made the decision to end this and that alone was the biggest sign of victory. The biggest, the most important thing I will ever do in my life. This was the moment I finally took back the control of my own life. Rauli will never say what I do. He will never get to decide anything for me. From now on, it was all me who was making the decisions.
That was what I was after. But no one has ever prepared me for this moment where I actually had to start doing things and not only thinking about them. In theory everything sounded so easy. All I had to do was to get out of this car, walk up the stairs, open the door, get my bag and throw in all the essentials, and leave. That sounded so fucking easy. But opening the seat belt was the first task I had to handle.My fingers felt like porridge, they didn't work and at the same time I didn't even want them to work. I didn't want to go out and do all those things I had to.
"Hey..." Aleksi opened my seat belt and looked at me.
"We come with you.. All you need to do is tell us where your stuff is.."
I looked at the guys and sighed. They were all already out of the car, waiting for me, so I very slowly stood up and played with the keys.
"Okay... Let's go then.." My heart was racing. It was a pity that our windows were on the other side so I could not even see if Rauli was at home. He had a stupid habit to always have some light on and if he was home, I would see it from the window. Right now I was completely blind about the possible thread at home and I felt like I was feeding these guys straight to the sharks.
None of us said a word the whole way from the car to the building or on our way up to my floor. I was even too afraid to breathe. This was like some bad movie where a group of amatour burglars tried to break into some house during the day time. With a shaking hand I put the key into the keyhole, turned it and I heard the lock snap open. The door felt so heavy when I pulled it open to peek in if I saw Rauli's shoes in their usual place.
"He is not here..." I whispered as I was sure that Rauli's brown Converses were nowhere to be seen. The guys came in, Tommi, Joel and Joonas stayed by the door if Rauli happened to come. Aleksi, Niko and Olli followed me into my bedroom and I pulled out the big sports bag under the bed.
"So.. Umh.. Niko, please get my makeup bag from the bathroom, it's the one with balck stripes on it.. Olli, please go to the living room, open the barcabin and take the black box from the back of the top self.. " Both, Niko and Olli nodded and went their ways.
"Just help me to throw my clothes in.. " I said to Aleksi and opened my closet. The man nodded and started to help me. I didn't need anything else really than the box I asked Olli to get. There was all my savings I have been putting aside without Rauli even knowing anything about it. I knew that someday I would be needing some extra, so all the tips I have been getting while working at the bar are there in cash.
"Fuck my heart is gonna give up any second..." I said while throwing some random clothes in the bag.
"Same.. This is the most intense thing I've ever done..." Aleksi said and looked around the room and at the same moment, Niko and Olli walked in.
"Do you need anything else?" Niko asked while holding my makeup bag. I shook my head and closed the closet.
"Nope... That's all.. "
Aleksi took the bag after I had put the black box and the makeup bag into it. There was still no sign of Rauli and it made the situation a little easier. It still didn't keep away everything that will follow from now on. When he comes, he sees that I am not here anymore and all my stuff are gone. He will blow up my phone and hunt me down. He will do everything he can to hurt me.
"Ready?" Joel asked as he noticed us walking towards them. I nodded, grabbed a few pairs of shoes and a few jackets, and I was done. The guys stepped out and I closed the door. This was way too easy. The whole way down I was scared that Rauli would walk on us but no, there was still no sign of him. Maybe he was returning late this evening as he didn't specify the time. Whatever he said could not be trusted anyway.
Aleksi threw my bag into the trunk and after that he sat next to me.
"You did it..." He smiled and made me smile a little as well. Indeed, I did it. I was out. But for how long? Was I strong enough to stay away?
"Yeah..."
"One step closer to freedom." Olli said and patted my shoulder. Freedom. I had no clue what it was anymore but whatever this feeling was that I was feeling, was not it just yet. I have no idea what had to happen in order to make me feel free. Right now I am just starting my journey towards it yet there were still things I had to do. Starting with telling everything to Susanne. Another thing that made this all a little challenging was the fact that once Rauli finds out I am gone, he will call his sister and she will call me. Knowing how great Rauli was at lying, he can make up some story to Susanne and she will play his games so right now I could not even trust my best friend anymore. Not before knowing which side she will choose. How the hell I am going to meet with her on Friday then?
"What are you thinking?" Aleksi asked. He probably noticed that there was so much going on in my mind right now that some sort of script was running all over my head.
"I was about to meet with Susanne on Friday.. But now.. I... I don't know anymore.. There is always a risk that she will tell Rauli that she is going to meet me and he might show up too.."
"Just take one day at a time... " Aleksi gave me an encouraging smile and he was right. I should see how things go from now on and plan my next steps according to that.
A/N: Oh boy... She did it. But I have this weird feeling that we will hear about Rauli soon...