When I got home, Florence was just about done cooking dinner. She stared at me, looking for any clues as to how our conversation went after she left.
"It went fine," I assured her. "He was lecturing me saying that I can be honest with him. He always knew there was something going on between us and is happy for us. I've not told Larry yet. There wasn't enough time."
"Oh," she replied, not expecting that kind of response from Bondy. "Did you manage to get everything done? I wasn't expecting you until much later."
"Not everything but it can wait until I get back. That reminds me—I still need to buy your plane ticket and upgrade our hotel rooms. I'll do that real quick."
I went straight to my room and turned on the computer. While it was booting up, I took the opportunity to empty my work bag and took off my coat. I double-checked my flight info and made sure I got the same exact flight and bought her ticket. Next, I upgraded all our hotel rooms to two beds. All these last-minute purchases would've cost me an arm and a leg, but since it was off-season, we were spared. I checked my email confirmations one last time before putting my credit card back in my wallet and shutting down the computer. When I made my way back to the kitchen, Florence had already set the table and plated our food.
"Just in time," she said, wiping her hands on a tea towel. "Would you like some wine?" She pulled out my bottle of red and held it up to the light seeing how little we had left. "I can get some more when we come back." She removed the cork and poured a generous measure into two glasses, finishing the bottle.
"I bought your plane ticket and upgraded the hotel rooms so we should be sorted out," I said, taking a seat at the table. Florence handed me my wine glass and I thanked her.
"Thanks for doing that. I'll pay you back. Well...bon appétit. I made spaghetti. Ta-da!" She held up her plate to show it off and I laughed at her enthusiasm. "Sorry it's nothing special. I'm trying to use what we have and avoid going to the grocery store." I watched as she stuck her fork in and twisted it.
"So was your manager upset about the short notice?" I asked. Florence shook her head.
"No, he didn't mind. He was surprised at how sudden it was but he looked at the schedule and said we're in a good place. My manager is great. He encourages everyone to take time off because he doesn't want anyone to be burnt out."
"Well that's nice of him."
"What about you? You were probably giving me a quick rundown of what happened but what did Bondy say exactly?" You could tell she was hesitant to ask but she was curious.
"Erm...there's not much to it. He was basically asking how it all started."
"And what did you tell him?" She rested her head on her left hand and stared at me expectantly. I found it difficult to look her in the eyes when she did that so I looked down at my plate, blushing.
"For me, I guess the feelings were always there but I kept them subdued because I thought you and I would never happen. We're so different, I feel like, and we push each other to our limits yet I can't stay away. It's like we were always connected in a way...probably because we've been in each other's dreams and know things no one else knows about. And when you kissed me, it just felt...right."
I was mortified telling her this but I couldn't stop myself. I already know she feels the same way about me but I was afraid that telling her this would rub her the wrong way. It didn't help when she was staring at me, her expression unreadable. Like I couldn't tell if she was repulsed or flattered by what I said.
"Was the reason why you wanted to go under my dreams because you wanted to learn more about me? I initially thought it was because you were curious about Clara but now I've got the feeling it was to get to know me," I continued. Florence smiled which only confirmed my suspicion.
"Yeah, don't get me wrong—I'm curious about Clara as well but more so you because you're a closed book. Plus I thought you were hot." I gave her a quizzical look and she continued. "I've always thought you were hot. That's actually why I signed up for the study."
"That's the reason why you signed up?" I asked. "I honestly thought you were out to get me or were at least interested in the study but that was the reason why you signed up?" Florence looked offended.
"Oh, please," she fought back. "As if you've never done the same. Think of all the crazy things you've done in order to be around someone you're attracted to."
"Like what? I've never signed up for a study!"
"Oh, right. That's only me," Florence said, laughing to herself. "Only I'm insane enough to do that."
Florence is something else. Not in a bad way as it's flattering to learn that someone joined a study because they were attracted to you. She was very good at hiding her true intentions and good at getting under my skin because I was convinced she didn't like me for the longest time.
"And to think you hated me this entire time," I said to myself. If only I had known. It would've made my life a whole lot easier at the beginning. It was like walking on eggshells with her not knowing what would trigger her next.
"I thought it was the other way around! Every time I thought 'now I've really done it,' you still came back."
"I couldn't stay away," I admitted.
She was the excitement I craved. I was always drawn to new experiences and new people—anything that made my boring life more exciting. That's why I wanted to get out of the UK as soon as I could. That's why I chased DecodeREM which eventually led me to this job.
Don't get me wrong—what I had with Clara was nice but it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted someone to constantly test me, to push me to become a better person, and that person wasn't Clara. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I just sat there, dumbfounded, taking it in. But it wasn't just a one-way street. Florence needs someone more level-headed to keep her grounded and that person was me—for better or for worse.
"Do you want some cake?" I asked all of a sudden.
"You mean that box in the fridge that I totally didn't look in?" she replied and I laughed.
"Yeah, that one."
.
.
Sunday
It was late in the night but I was still packing. Florence wasn't kidding when she said she was busy this weekend but she assured me she'll be packed and ready by then. Our flight wasn't until the early afternoon so she did technically have tomorrow morning to pack. Most of my stuff was already packed. All that was left were the toiletries I'd need to use tomorrow morning and that was it.
Florence was barely home Saturday and Sunday and I could feel the loneliness creep in. It's strange to think that I was used to this before. It goes to show how you don't know what you're missing until it's gone. The loneliness drove me to read Clara's letters again to refresh my memory as it's been ages since I read them. I've been meaning to reread them before my trip to look for clues that didn't previously stand out but I simply didn't have enough time nor was I emotionally ready for it.
I opened my drawer and pulled out the box which contained all her letters except the last one I couldn't bring myself to open. That last letter is used as a bookmark in my dream journal. My plan was to read it when I come back. Hopefully, I'll get the answers I need and reading the letter will provide the closure I need to put the past behind me. I've been holding on for too long.
My fingers brushed the tops of the envelopes which were placed in the order received. The most recent ones sat towards the front while the older ones were towards the back. There weren't much; maybe ten or so, most of them detailing her life in Portugal. With each passing letter, I could tell her bitterness towards Portugal slowly turned to appreciation for the place.
She was forced out of the house by her parents so she used that time to explore the place. The first thing she did was drive towards the water which she said wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for me teaching her how to drive. I remember reading that bit, proud that she still remembered because all I could recall was us snogging in the car.
Clara would send me photos of the coastline. The golden cliffs stood tall in the distance and the water was a deep shade of blue. In her letters, she'd describe the place to me. How it smelled, how it sounded, and how it made her feel. Back then, I didn't know the name of the place nor did I bother to ask. But now that I know where it is, my plan is to walk in her shoes, smell what she smelled, hear what she heard, and feel what she felt. It was my tribute to the life she lived because I wasn't there for her when she needed me most.
She also made some friends along the way. She worked as a waitress at a family-owned restaurant catered towards tourists. The owners treated her like family but she wasn't happy. Everyday, she'd come home exhausted. She was an introvert after all and the interaction tired her out. But she met someone—a regular at the restaurant who couldn't take his eyes off her. At first, she was hesitant. But then she remembered the pain I caused her. She'd play my voicemail over and over again wondering if I still loved her. If I truly did, why wasn't I in Portugal with her?
4 November 2014
Dear Van,
I made a friend, I think. I didn't notice him at first but then he'd ask how I was doing and if I was new. It brought me back to the day we first met.
The only way I made friends in the past was if someone approached me or if I was forced to interact with them which I admit was terrible of me. I don't know how you do it but I'm trying! So we talked and I realized how nice and friendly he was. He gave me a list of places to check out and my goal is to visit as many as I can.
I feel like you'd be proud of me. I'm getting out of my comfort zone, meeting new people, going to new places, and experiencing new things. I promise to tell you all about it. Until next time!
Love always,
Clara
When I first read that letter years ago, I didn't think much of him. I would later learn that his name was Rafael and that she was absolutely smitten with him.
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Note: Hello! Surprise update. I finished writing REM on Sunday so I'll be posting everyday until I run out of updates (Friday, 4 November). There are 89 chapters total. Thank you so much for reading! ❤️