The cold breeze kissed against the few trees leaves that were left, gently blowing them off of the trees branches and to the floor. My eyes narrowed as I snuggled into my scarf that was covering half of my face. A small shiver ran up my spine, making me shake my head and sniffle.
"[Yn]!" Voice drifting through the wind, my head turned slightly and I meet face to face with Tooru. My scarf drops slightly and I smile up at him "good morning, Tooru" he smiles back as I say his name and blushes lightly. Coming to the side of me, he lifts my hand up and intertwines it with his own before letting them drop down to our sides again.
Though the breeze was chilling, the feeling of his hand in mine had radiated enough heat to make the rest of my body feel warm. My heart and cheeks had been the most warm out of everywhere else. With a skip in my step, the winter atmosphere was so beautiful to take in, all the scenery was just so breathtaking.
"It's just so pretty, isn't it?" I let my thoughts escape my lips as my eyes sparkled with excitement, oh how I loved winter so much! I could feel Tooru's gaze resting upon me, he then spoke up "yeah, it is" I could just tell that he was smiling from the warmth of his voice. I couldn't wait for it to snow, it'll be even prettier when it does.
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"Heard they're dating, isn't that cute?"
"Awwe, they have been inseparable for years!"
I paid no mind to the girls who were gossiping in the hall, I had already known they were talking about Tooru and I. Tooru however crossed his arms and smiled to himself "I agree with them, sounds like a cute couple" he then winked towards me with a teasing expression before chuckling lightly.
I chuckled too and elbowed him playfully in the arm "ah yes, sounds like they're still inseparable even after all those years" I then closed my eyes and continued to walk down the hall. Though, somehow it seemed like there was some hidden tension in the air, I couldn't tell what it was but something just felt off. Paying no mind to it, I ignored it and smiled.
But then I couldn't ignore it because the tension had only thickened and was now distracting me away from everything else. I turned my head to look behind me, in the distance was two figures. My eyes widened slightly and I quickly looked away again, no wonder why there was so much tension, how could there not be? Both Sakura and Iura were watching Tooru and I with sad expressions, listening to the girls gossip.
My suspicions were right after all, Sakura had really liked Tooru and Iura had really liked me. I had known how painful it was to be the second choice because I had been the second choice once before also. Though I was really happy being with Tooru, I had now felt ever so guilty, because I was the reason for someone else's suffering. Just for a few seconds, I had felt like the worst person in the world.
And then, it wasn't just for a few seconds anymore.
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With a narrowed squint, my figure stood out of place in the hallway as I had positioned myself at one of its many windows. I observed over the scenery below from the view, my lips parting slightly. One of the many people that was on the ground floor that I could see was Tooru, I couldn't read his lips of what he was saying but his expression was warm and light.
"Hey, isn't that Ishikawa's girlfriend?"
"Yeah, I heard she was a loner at her old school!"
"Really? How'd he end up dating a girl like that"
My eyes closed gently, my lashes brushing against my skin as they did so. Those small reminds of what once was is the things that scare us the most, aren't they? That's why we try to hide anything that can even lead to them being exposed in the tiniest of ways. Of course, no matter how much you try to cover up your past trails, a mark will forever be implanted into that trail.
Small rays of the sun seek through the window and rest against my face, lighting it up. Lifting my head, I look up to the sun and slowly open my eyes to have a simple glimpse of it. How could it hurt to look at something so beautiful? My lips pressed together as I then cocked my head to the side, resting my gaze over the girls who were swapping giggles.
"She hangs out with Hori, right? Hori really has some low standards"
"Does she think she'll be seen as popular if she hangs out with that group? What a joke haha!"
"It won't be long before Ishikawa opens his eyes"
Such kind appearances, what a waste only to speak words of poison from their lips. Repositioning myself to stand up straight, I turned to face my back to them and walk away, listening to them wasn't doing much good to me. I hadn't taken my first step before a tall figure blocked my path from leaving, with a look up, my eyes grew.
Tooru rested his eyes on me with a scowling expression, but I had known that it wasn't me that was causing the reaction. His gaze fixated on the girls who stood behind me, still giggling as they went on with their conversations in oblivion. "You were just going to leave without saying anything?" His face went dark, pressing his lips tightly together as his knuckles balled at his sides.
Looking down, my hair covered over my eyes as I hadn't given him a response. What good would there be if I had spoken up to them? They were right, who was I kidding? I was even trying to fool myself at this point, pretending to be someone I knew I could never actually be. "It doesn't matter, let's just go" I grabbed onto his sleeve and started to walk past him, but he hadn't moved.
I looked back at him, his expression had only gotten darker. "Tooru.." I uttered out his name in a whisper, my eyes wide in surprise that even he could hold such an expression of irritation. He lightly pulled his sleeve away from my grip and took harsh steps towards the girls before he stood just in front of them. Catching all their attention, they all looked over him with startled expressions before smiling nervously.
"Ishikawa! What a surprise to see you hear!"
"Yeah, we weren't expecting to see you around"
"How's your day going? Haha.."
They all tried to lighten the mood, quickly changing their previous conversation in hope that he hadn't heard what they said before he came over. With a grunt of annoyance, his balled fists only got tighter, all three of the girls were now worried, sweat dropping down the sides of their heads with anxious and muddy feelings towards how he was starting at them.
"You talk about her in such ways, about being a loner and how she won't fit in with Hori's group. But, have you even looked at yourselves?" His eyes dropped into a harsh glare, clenching his teeth as his tone came out with deepness. "Unlike you, [Yn] has a kind heart, she has always put others before herself, even if it meant that she'd be the one to get hurt, she is so much better then all three of you combined."
My heart thumped in my chest, a light shimmering in my eyes as I watched over Tooru while he spoke. My lips quivered and I then sniffled, holding back my tears from being over emotional. Tooru, he really was too good for someone such as myself. "We're so sorry! Please forgive us!" The girls all bowed in apology, pleading for forgiveness from him. With a low sigh, he stepped to the side and then turned his attention to me.
"Don't apologise to me, apologise to her" pointing his index finger at me, he had drawn the girls eyes over to where I stood. "I'm sorry! I hadn't meant anything I said, I was jealous!" One of the girls bowed, her hair falling at the same time as her head. Her voice came out in a crack and at this moment, I couldn't even be mad. "It's fine, I honestly don't mind" my lips parted as I spoke, my stare blank.
From the side of my eyes, I could see Tooru's wide eyed expression towards what I had said. "Thank you! It won't happen again!" The girls then stumbled off, leaving the scene before anything else could be said or done. Crossing my arms at my chest, I raised my head to Tooru and frowned "what had you wanted me to say? It can't be helped, really" as I said that, he took a step towards me and grabbed my hands in his own.
"You're going to let them get away with such awful words? Why?" His tone was frantic, desperate to get answers. Closing my eyes, I smiled with a saddened expression to my face. I raised our hands and kissed his knuckle lightly "their words mean nothing, allow them to say whatever they wish to" though I said this, their words had meant everything to me, I wanted them to think differently.
His cheeks had dusted themselves with a light red undertone as he looked down at his knuckle that I had kissed. I loved it whenever he got flustered over such simple things, it was cute and just showed how much he appreciates the little things. "Ah yes, I came here to say that Sakura confessed to me" my stare went blank, my past smile slipping off of my face within a second.
What?
"Oh, she did?" I pulled a new smile, trying to lighten the mood, but it kept twitching and was going to fall any second now. He nodded slowly before looking off to the side "yeah, but she said she only told me to get it off her chest, she knew that we were dating" his hand made its way to the back of his neck as he explained, looking off into the distance. I see, that did seem like a reasonable reason to go through with an confessions.
Wow, she really is envious. She had confessed to him even knowing he would reject her? I could have never done such a thing, I had only confessed on accident, I hadn't planned on saying anything at all. My eyes then widened as I thought to myself, if I hadn't confessed to him that day, would him and Sakura have become a thing instead? I know that I wouldn't have had the courage to ever confess, but she had. If that day at the gate had never occurred, would this all be different?
I knew that I shouldn't have been thinking of something like that, there was no real point in dwelling in the past. However, just this once, I could only think on how the reason why Sakura had to go through such a rejection is because I had beat her to it, I had spoken my words of feelings before she could have. I pressed my eyes closed tightly as I could feel my lips starting to quiver at these horrible thoughts.
"Hey Tooru, I'm feeling kind of tired, I think I might just go home early" the words poured out of my lips with such a dull tone, showing no emotion behind them. His eyes glittered in concern, he then hesitated to speak up and say something before he closed his lips and instead smiled. "Okay, I'll take you home" he started to take a few steps to leave before I grabbed onto his sleeve and stopped him in his tracks.
"No.. it's okay, class is gonna start soon. Please, stay here, I'll take care of myself" I forced a small smile before letting his sleeve go. He seemed undecided if he should listen to me or his own thoughts. Before he could finish deciding which of the two to do, I had already started to walk off in the opposite direction. I had really just needed time to get these thoughts out of my head, it seemed that they were louder when I was here, maybe they would all just stop if I left.
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Snow. There was snow falling from the sky. I tapped my finger against the window lightly before resting my palm against it and looking out to the scenery. As I had thought, it really was a wonderful scene, so pretty. Pink blush dusted my cheeks with happiness as I eyed the beauty of the falling specs.
But even something as pretty as the snow melts away. I wish that like how the snow melts away, that I could melt away some of the feelings that I hold. Feelings such as caring about what people say and think about me, it's a foolish feeling that I have but even so, it's something that bothers me deeply. If this feeling was to just melt away, I think that I'd be able to smile at school without bother.
However, if I had wished to melt my feelings away like the snow melts, then would I also take over it's other traits? The snows beauty shrivels away and is then replaced with the springs sakura blossoms. It's true, nothing stays the same and something always has to change. I have this fear, that even something as important as someone's feelings can change without any sign, then soon enough, they would be gone as if they were never actually there in the first place.
I'm worried that soon enough, you won't like me. You'll figure out that I'm not as special as you made me out to be in your head. I have been following after you for so long, you were the only one who I could look up to so, where will my legs take me to when you're gone? When you are gone, where will I be able to place my hands if they're not able to be in your own? The thought of it all, it has scared me so much that it's all I think about.
I can only recall how when we were younger and how you gave me your hand when you first laid your eyes on me. If you could go back, would you do it again or would you choose to ignore that little girl who was hurt in the rain? It's silly, isn't it? That if you hadn't found me then, that none of this would all have happened. It's scary to think that such a small detail can change how your whole life plays out and how if that detail never happened it would all be so much different.
Sometimes I think about how much different it would all be if you had never found me hurt in the rain, if you hadn't been there to scare the girl away and if you hadn't been there when I needed someone the most. What if someone else had shown? Or, what if no one had shown at all. I think that I'd rather die, maybe that was a bit extreme to say but it was the truth, I wouldn't lie about it.
I clenched my fists and took my gaze away from the window and fixated it to the blank wall instead. There was other things to think about now, if I'm going to think about anything it shouldn't be the past as I'm unable to change stuff I've already done, I should be thinking about the future. Graduation, it's really coming up fast, I've been trying not to think about it but I think I have to.
When it is all over, where will I go? Will I go to college or will I do other things instead? I hadn't really through it out, I hadn't even had the time to think about the career I wanted to persuade. Maybe I hadn't chosen because I didn't know where Tooru was going to go. I hadn't minded where I'd go as long ad I could be by him, but what happens if he travels somewhere I can't follow? What will I do then?
If Tooru ends up wanting to go somewhere far away from here, I won't be able to chase after him like I always have. My legs won't be able to take me to him, they won't have anywhere to go to after. With a longing sigh, I buried my face into my knees and frowned. I would have to talk to him about it, maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday. Lifting my head back up, I looked out the window again to watch the snow fall.
It fell so elegantly, so beautifully.
The snow brings beauty to even the most dull places.
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"[Yn], I really need to have a chat with you" panting, Iura was hunched over as he hands rested on his knees, huffing for air. Did he run all the way here or what? The guy was really out of breath, but for what reason? My eyes twitched with confusion as I looked over him, this was really odd.
"Yeah, okay what about?" I then regained my usual expression and nodded for him to continue talking. I lightly closed my locker before fixating my whole attention to him while he finished gathering his breath. "You probably don't know and I wasn't going to tell you because you already liked someone and they were so dear to you, now you're with them.." his lips parted as he spoke, a goofy smile slipping onto his face.
Oh, was this.. a real confession?
"I like you, I wish I had told you before you were dating someone because now I kinda feel like I'm being disrespectful but I felt like you should at least know, haha" he rubbed the back of his neck as he chuckled with a cherry expression. How was he so happy right now? He was building himself up for rejection but he was doing it in such a positive way that it honestly impressed me.
"I did know, I mean not for sure but I assumed you did when I found out the meaning behind the flowers you gifted me on my birthday" I looked off to the side as I spoke, my tone calm as my softened. I hadn't needed to reject him, he had already known what my answer would be. He let out a sigh with a small smile "ah yeah? Guess that made it awkward for you, I'm sorry" he frowned at that, finally showing an expression of sadness.
I shook my head and smiled lightly "don't feel sorry, feelings can't be helped after all" as I said that, I couldn't help but frown for a second. I felt bad, Iura was a really good person and I didn't want to end up hurting him like this. "Hey, don't feel guilty okay? Even if it's not with me, I just want you to be happy!" He spoke up with enthusiasm, his smile bright and filled with happiness as he declared his feelings.
I then smiled too "then, I am happy, so thank you" I held my hand to my chest and my eyes lowered with joy as I lightly blushed. Iura really was someone that was special to me, even if we aren't together in that way, he will always be an amazing friend to me. Iura has a special place in my heart, as he is one of the people who have cared and cherished me the most, even when I'm not a person that I thought someone would enjoy the company of.
"If you don't mind me asking, why is it that you chose Tooru? I know you guys are close but I always wondered if there was more to it" Iura then waved his eyebrows, elbowing me lightly in a teasing way as he awaited for an answer. He was already into his usual goofy mood again, that's good. His questioned lingered in the air, I really hadn't needed to think at all to be able to give him an answer.
To be truthful, I hadn't gotten to choose. Perhaps if Tooru didn't ask me out that day, maybe I would have gone after Iura. Since Tooru did confess, I had said yes. If Iura had confessed before Tooru had gotten to, I think that this scenario would be a lot different, maybe Iura and I would have been dating and then Sakura would get to be with Tooru just as she wanted to be. Nevertheless, I answered the question.
"Because.."
I'll never love anyone else, the way I love Tooru.