ELIZA
The sun had started to show signs of setting, and we still hadn't visited the hill we normally did every year. I grew tired of waiting for someone to show up, and I couldn't help but feel abandoned. I knew this day was hard for everyone, but wouldn't it be better if we were together? At least for dads sake?
I decide I've waited long enough, I stand up and cover the cake before I reach out for my coat.
The walk there was longer than I had remembered, every street was bustling with people and their new year celebrations. I could't help but feel envious. Every person had someone they were with, families, couples, friends, and I had no one.
Every corner I turned showed a sick reminder of how alone I was.
The trek around the hill was not as calming as I had thought it wild be, when I retraced the steps we had walked every year, a strange hatred for the nostalgia it had brought me settled in me. Each moment my mind was littered with recollections of the past, which was only disrupted when families and other people had walked past me.
Ironically, the pond was the only silent place I had encountered, there was not a soul in sight. And I was thankful for that.
I pick up a stone and throw it across the lake, and watch as the ripples fade away. I do this a few more times before deciding to retire by the bench.
The sound of crunching leaves emerges from behind me a few moments later, I let them draw closer before I turn my head. I say nothing when he comes to sit by me.
"What are you doing here?" Jasper's deep voice rumbles.
I take a few moments, deciding if I should actually reply to him. I mean he did help me on the rink after all. Besides, I think I didn't even have the heart to ignore him, I knew right now how horrible it felt to be on the receiving end.
"It's my dads birthday, we used to come here for walks and stuff every year," I pause, "So I just decided to come and see it again, you know?"
"Where's everyone else?"
I shrug my shoulders, because I know I wouldn't be able to keep my composure if I admitted out loud that they had left me.
Instead I ask, "Why are you here?"
He stands up to pick up a few pebbles, skimming them across the lake as he replies, "I needed to be somewhere quiet. The streets are full of people and their new year celebrations."
"Why didn't you just stay home?"
"The one person I can't stand is there, I'm sure I would end up strangling dad if I stayed there longer." He mutters.
I don't think I could ever complain about any of my family like that. It was ironic how we had both ended up in the same place, wanting to escape two different things in our own homes. I nod slowly, rubbing my hands together. They had started to turn yellow because of the winter cold.
"Here," He digs in the pockets of his jacket and produces a set of gloves, "Wear these, it'll help."
I glance down at the white gloves, smiling to myself. Jasper's personality is confusing, one moment he hates me, the next he's threatening me and now he's... caring for me? His behaviour is driving my brain to go round in circles, but there's something nibbling away in the corner of my mind, which him, is the true him?
"They have cats on them." I can't help but snort, turning my head sideways.
If it was possible with the cold, the redness on his cheeks grew, he clears his throat before replying, "You don't have to wear them if you're going to take the piss."
I yank them away, already slipping them on, "No, no, it's ok, I'm wearing them."
I admire them, turning it around slowly, examining each side.
"Before you think I went out and bought them, my mum gave them to me." He says, coughing before he starts.
"I think they're cute." I reply.
"Yeah, well, she had a peculiar taste when it came to this stuff."
"What? Liking cats is weird?" I ask looking at him with a side eye.
"No, giving gloves with cats on them to her thirteen year old son is weird."
"You've had these since you were thirteen?!" I ask incredulously, I didn't take him to be sentimental.
"I mean, it was the last thing she gave me before she left." He mutters, looking down.
"Where'd she go?"
"Her location is subjective to what you believe," He continues, playing with the stones in his hands, "If your Christian, she went to heaven, if your Buddhist, she reincarnated and if your Atheist... Well, she's just dead."
I turn my head to him, mouth slightly agape. I wasn't sure what I should say. He takes one look at my face before he bursts out into laughter, the corners of his eyes crease from his smile.
"I didn't think I could ever catch you off guard like that sweetheart. Besides, I've had a few years to get over it."
I let out an awkward laugh, "I don't think theres enough time in the world for me to come to a point where I can be making jokes like that."
"Well, we all cope differently, besides, you're still accepting it."
I nod my head, letting us lapse into another moment of silence.
"Hey can I ask you a question?"
He nods.
I bite my lip before gathering the courage to ask him, "Why does Ezra fight in your... Ring?"
Jasper swallows, continuing to look straight ahead. There was an instant shift in his mood, "He owes me."
I furrow my brows, "What does he owe you?"
Jaspers arms pull back, resting on the backrest behind him, "5K."
My head snaps up, "W-what? What did he do, break a vintage vase or something?"
"No," Jasper clenches his jaw, "He made me pay for his drug stash after we almost lost it to the feds."
I look up at him, my eyes wide from this revelation, "Drug stash?"
My heart was picking up its pace, everything I thought I knew about Ezra seemed to become a sort of false reality. I knew he did drugs, anything a normal teenager could get their hands on. And even back then I had tried to get him out of it, before he became dependant on it. I tried taking him to rage rooms, track fields and even to the ice rink - anything where he could let his emotions run free. But perhaps I had taken action too late.
"Your bother was an imbecile, he thought he could flip and sell 5K worth of drugs," He scoffs, "Even thought he could make profit."
I utter no words, I was truly in shock. The realisation had dawned on me that his addiction had him in a chokehold this whole summer. He had eluded himself into believing that he could make more.
"He doesn't do them anymore, but back then he was a slave to it. Addiction is a disease, you know?"
"H-how did it end up with you?" I manage to stutter out.
Jasper lets out a long breath, "Believe it or not, we didn't always hate each other."
I stay silent, willing him to continue, "He was convinced that this would succeed, so he asked me to store it at my apartment , to keep it away from you guys finding out I assume, said I'd get a cut for storing it. And sure, it was working until someone tipped the police off that I was hoarding a shit tonne of coke in my place."
"Wait Ezra snitched?!" I ask bewildered.
"No, but he bailed when they came knocking on my door. The entire week, he ghosted me. And when it was time to pay up, he was still missing, not picking up my calls or anything. I ended up paying the dealers what he owed." He finishes.
Unconsciously, my hands latched onto the necklace that hung by my chest, playing with the pendant.
"So he fights to pay you back." I answer the question that had been burning my mind the past few weeks. This was the big bad secret that Ezra was hiding, the one even Elijah was unwilling to tell me.
Maybe this was my chance to convince him to let Ezra leave his fight club.
"Does it matter how he returns the money to you?"
Jasper refuses to speak, tightening the clench in his jaw..
I continue, "I mean if he gets a normal job and pays back his earnings wouldn't the problem be solved? It would be a win for both of you, you'll get your money and he wont be destroying himself in these matches."
"You are so unbelievably naive." He laughs, "This is more than the money. No one messes with me. Ezra is paying for every loss and the betrayal he caused me, not just the money." Finally Jasper looks my way, leaning close to me, "Every punch, every hit, every loss. He deserves it."
"Are you a psychopath?!" I yell, suddenly confused by his strong resent for Ezra, "Why do you want to see him hurt so bad? He almost died in the last match I watched!"
He brings his hand to a tight grasp around my chin, "You won't understand what I went through." The corners of his mouth lifts slightly, "You think you're above people, thinking you're blameless when you act like you forgive others. But really you're weak, you are naive and you are a pathetic liar."
He was wrong. My guilt and grief is what makes me forgiving, the constant paranoia that my happiness can be ripped away from me with a blink of an eye is what makes me quick to let go.
He was wrong.
I clench my teeth in rage and bring my hand up, trying to get rid of his hold on my chin. The thread of the glove gets caught on my necklace, and I yank my hand down with his own in my clasp. The latch of the necklace breaks off and the chain falls to the ground, making no noise as it hits the grass. I bend down to reach for it, but Jasper was quicker.
"It's pretty." He comments, holding it up to inspect it, watching as the charm swings slowly.
"Give it back." I demand with my hands extended out.
His fingers clasp around the charm and he raises his hands into the air.
"No- Jasper, what are yo-" I ask as I reach for his hand, before I could finish, he throws it across the feild. My eyes watch in terror, following it to the pond.
Watching every last ripple fade.
I stand still as I whisper. "Why would you do that?"
My eyes water asI turn my head to him, his smirk slowly starts to fade.
"I- I don't und- Why would you do that?" A mixture of confusion and pain washes over my face, my voice trembling as I speak.
I was the fool for believing he was different.
Instantly I run, heading towards the pond, yanking off the gloves and shoving them in my pocket. The water is freezing and the cold seeps through to my bones. However it doesn't bother me, the only thing on my mind is finding that necklace. The last piece of my dad.
My hands tremble, as a mixture of both the cold and the fear of losing the one thing I should have kept safer engulfs me. They swim through the water turning every rock it can find in false hope. I can hear Jasper shouting my name from behind, a voice that seems distant yet so close, it's muffled by the one question that dominates my mind.
How could he do that?
It was the last piece, the last remnant of my dad, and although he doesn't know the significant value that the necklace holds, it was still wrong of him throw my property like it was trash. As seconds tick by, the sound of Jasper's voice draws closer.
"Eliza! Come out!" His voice echos amongst the winds, "It's too cold, leave it, it's just a necklace!"
My hands continue to search, now completely numb from the chill of the water.
He doesn't understand.
He doesn't understand.
He doesn't understand.
No one understands.
And just like that the first few tears escape from my eyes - for the first time - I allow the walls to fall in on me. It wasn't just any necklace. It was my dad's last gift. My breath starts to become more and more laboured. The air creeping in through my nose lacks oxygen, and so I open my mouth, taking big gulps off air, hoping it will satiate the growing panic within me. The pounding in my head starts to play the familiar rhythm of pain.
There's no more of him. No remaining memory. Nothing to hold onto and call mine. And maybe it is here I finally realise, there's no going back. There's no chance to say a proper and final goodbye, there's no chance to give him one final hug, and there's no chance to tell him that I love him.
As much as I wanted to believe that I had moved on from my dad's passing, I hadn't. I had denied it, this whole time, there was that small glimmer of hope that maybe, maybe, he'd return. And all of this was some joke orchestrated by my family just for laughs, at least that way I can also laugh with them, laugh with my dad.
With pieces of him, here and there, in our hallway, in is bedroom, in the living room, it felt as though he had never left home, when in reality, he had. He was gone. He just never left my heart. And I don't think I ever will have the courage to move on from him.
The gradual acceptance that he's no longer here took the strength from my legs, my knees give in and I fall into the water. My hands rest on the rocks, still moving to find the necklace.
I hear footsteps approach me from behind.
"Dad? Where are you?" My voice breaks and my hands tremble as they try to overturn a large rock.
"You can't go yet, you haven't said goodbye, and you always say goodbye."
A sob breaks out of my mouth. The sound of sloshing water freezes a few steps behind me.
"Daddy?"
My hands stop moving, and no matter how much I try they remain still. My eyes hone in on different areas, still, searching.
"Dad? Please come back, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I won't annoy you any more, I won't ask you for anything. Just please... Don't leave me here."
My broken sobs soon become wails, my hands clutching my chest as I lean forward and weep. I'm not ready to move on.
My cries echo in the wind, leaving a haunting wailing sound to ripple through the frigid air.
A hand touches my shoulder, with high hopes my head turns around, and instead of being embraced with a warm smile that belonged to my dad, the worried features etched onto Jasper's face greets me instead.
I shove his hand of me, repulsed. It was this hand that destroyed my last piece of solace. I gather all the strength within me and pull myself onto my feet.
It was useless now.
My false reality had been shattered. Looking for a stupid necklace wasn't going to solve anything. I was done. I turn around and walk back, away from the necklace, away from the pond and away from Jasper.
Soon enough, Jasper catches up, just as we make it to bank of the water, where the grass meets the pond. He gently grabs my wrist, too scared to startle me. There was an air of regret surrounding him, but I couldn't care less.
Instantly I recoil, and continue walking away.
Home.
I just wanted to be home, in my room, in my bed and away from all the problems in my life right now. I wanted to sleep. And dream of a reality that will never be brought into existence. I just wanted to be away from here.
Jaser stops infant of me, blocking my path. I refuse to bring my head up, I'm not sure what I feel. Is it anger? Grief? Sadness? Disgust? Guilt? Confusion?
"Come with me, I'll take you home."
I give him no reply, and wait for him to move.
"Eliza, you're in no condition to walk."
"And whose fault is that?" I whisper, my eyes raise.
"Is it mine? For bringing that necklace? Or because I hoped, that you were going to be civil, and not cause me pain? Or is it because I trusted you, and believed that for once you held sincerity in your words?" He looks away. Guilt.
What an irritating feeling.
"Tell me Jasper! Whose fault is it really?" My breathing becomes more short, and rage boils beneath my skin, "I learn from my mistakes, and I will never, ever, make the mistake of trusting you again. So move out of my way, that's the least you could do right now."
Hesitantly, he takes a step to the side, and deep down I am relieved he let me have this one.
———
Hey guys,
Almost 3000 words! I was on a roll this chapter :)
I hope you enjoyed it, I put a lot of effort for you guys, and I would reaaallllyyy appreciate if you could show me some love and vote for todays chapter! Anyway, I hope you all have a Happy Easter!
[Next update is Wednesday 12th April]
Thank you,
Elle x