Emily sat there, leaning against the side of her unmade bed wearing nothing but a pair of old boxer shorts that belonged to a man she didn't remember surrounded by a sea of clothes strewn across the carpet of her tiny bedroom. She'd been in that position for at least half an hour and as she felt the anxiety drag her further and further into the abyss the more she considered calling him and telling him not to bother with the evening planned.
She couldn't figure it out. Was this a date? Was this just an attempt on his behalf to get her into bed? Would he give a shit if people saw them together? Was he going to pay for it? What if he saw her and thought to himself that it was a bad idea asking her out? She felt sick as the thoughts bashed against the sides of her mind and she didn't know what the fuck she was going to do. It was half past seven, she had to be outside the restaurant in thirty minutes and she was wearing nothing at all, her hair and make-up was complete however, but there was not a hint of an outfit on her body.
In that moment her phone started to ring. Her head snapped towards the sound and she began throwing ripped leggings and baggy shirts across the room looking for the source of the ringing. She found it quickly under a red plaid button up and took a deep breathe before grabbing the phone, mentally preparing and composing herself for the incoming call she was sure was Jared. When she looked at the screen, she felt the disappoint wash over her as she discovered Benny was calling. She pressed the red button without hesitation or guilt, ignoring his call. However the text she was faced with on her lock screen when she got rid of Benny made her heart race and her stomach drop. Jared had text her, simply saying; 'I can't wait to see you later.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
As Jared gazed out the window he contemplated just ordering a few more whiskeys, getting really, really drunk and just going to a strip club. In all honesty, Jared was pissed off. He didn't know why she was being like that. He'd gone out of his way to ask her out to dinner, he'd even text her shortly before they were supposed to meet saying that he couldn't wait to see her, which wasn't a lie. And now, almost an hour after 8 o' clock, he was sat alone at a table for two sipping his third whiskey getting agitated at the fact he was still sat there waiting for her.
He had never waited that long before. Usually, if he was waiting for any more than fifteen minutes that was it, he was up and out the building without even a text to whom he was waiting for saying he was leaving. But with Emily, he was still waiting to see her face. He had even text her a few times asking where she was and how long she thought she'd be. But she never replied. And that infuriated Jared even more so. Manners cost nothing and he didn't know why she was standing him up and why she wasn't replying but what made his blood boil the most was the fact he was still waiting for her to show up.
He'd had enough of fucking waiting. He paid for his drinks, apologized for taking up a table for so long and left the establishment with a bit of a stumble as he had gotten through roughly a bottle of whiskey then. He licked his lips and took a deep breathe of fresh air as he stepped out onto the street, preparing himself for the walk back to his home that awaited him when he felt a subtle tickle against his left thigh. He placed his hand against the spot that was vibrating and his intoxicated brain put the pieces together and told him that someone was calling him. When he answered the phone he didn't check to see who it was calling, so he was a little taken aback to finally hear the voice he'd been aching to hear all night.
"I'm sorry." It was a simple statement, and she said it like she meant it, because she truly did.
"Please, Emily. Save your breath. I don't need to hear it." Jared was short with her. She believed it was completely just.
"I'm sorry though." Jared paused, collecting his thoughts and trying to process his feelings as best he could manage somewhat drunk.
"And how's you being sorry going to give me back the hour I just spent waiting for you?"
"Let me make it up to you." Jared thought it over, considering it. "Please Jared." He didn't want to. He didn't want to let her make it up to him. But he had to see her. It was like a craving. He waited for longer than he wanted too, just to see her and have that need quenched but because he'd had to wait longer than he planned, that craving just grew bigger and bigger and bigger. Jared was losing control and even though his pride was telling him to tell this girl to go fuck herself, he was pretty much on his knees for her.
"What do you have in mind?" Emily let out a sigh and he could hear the slight grin in her breath.
"Could you meet me on the hills? The place where you found me last. I'm here now. I'll explain everything. I promise, just please meet me." Jared could hear the subtle pleading in her tone and the delicacy around her words. She was pining for his trust and he could see that crystal clear.
"I'll be a while. But I'll be there." Emily thanked him until he was replaced with dead air and the world suddenly opened up to her. She took in Los Angeles under starlight as far as she could see and it occurred to her then, that in that moment he was somewhere down there, on his way to her. A feeling quickly dawned upon her, that feeling you sometimes get when looking up at the stars on a clear night, the feeling that this is happening. You are living and things are constantly moving around you and you can sit there and watch and take everything in but no matter what happens, things will always be constantly flowing. Life and people, they'll always be moving and growing and continuing around you.
A smile absentmindedly graced her lips even though guilt was still shredding her insides to ribbons. She had wanted to reply to him all night, she'd written text after text out all ready to go, but her fingers would deleted every word she typed out of pure fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of him. Fear of what was happening. But most of all, fear of how she was feeling. Jared didn't know, but whenever Emily was around him, she felt like her whole body was in flames. She felt like she had taken a hit of the purest heroin and that she had been granted access inside of heaven and that terrified the life out of her. She hadn't felt like that without drugs in years. She didn't think she could feel like that without drugs at all. But she was, she was feeling just as good sober as she did completely fucked. And it was because of him, he was slowly becoming her knew favorite drug of choice.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
He was looking at her side profile, drinking her in. He was counting the amount of times she blinked. He was watching how she was looking everywhere but at him. When he'd finally clambered up the Hollywood Hills he found her in the exact same place her found her in before, only this time she was accompanied by a bottle of vodka and a small bag of weed. She didn't see him coming, she was sat on top of that boulder just staring out at the same scenery she'd seen a million times before. As he approached he decided to stand in front of her to eliminate the chance of him startling her as he emerged from the darkness. When he'd placed himself before her the city lights of LA illuminated her features and he had to fight the urge to climb on top of her and devour her in his drunken state. But he didn't have to move. She slipped down from the rock and stood ever so close to him, their chests almost touching. She gazed up at him with watery eyes and he could see the guilt swimming in them. Emily opened her mouth to what Jared could only assume was another apology, but he interrupted her before she could get the words out.
"Stop." Jared shook his head to cease her upcoming sorry. "Don't."
"But I'm-"
"Don't!" Jared instructed louder than he had before. He stared into them big brown eyes and he felt as though he was looking into the eyes of a kitten. So small and fragile yet so capable of causing mischief. He was about to ask the inevitable question, ask why she stood him up when before he could take a breath to ask she'd placed her arms around his waist and snuggled her face into his chest. He didn't move for a second, just let her cling onto his body. It wasn't until he felt her shoulders slightly shaking with sobs that he wrapped a strong arm around her shoulders and wove his fingers through her thick and matted hair.
But there he found himself, staring at the side of her face. Everything she'd just told him still bouncing around his brain. How she'd not met him for dinner because she was so nervous she'd done a line of Ketamine and ended up loosing control of her body, not being ablet to stand for an hour or so. How she'd been spending the little money she did have on hard drugs. How she'd slept with men just to get a fix. How she'd been chasing the life she had in Florida. How most days she felt like just slitting her wrists and ending it all. Her puffy face was glistening with tears and his hand never left hers. Jared couldn't help but feel that he was slowly enveloping her, discovering tiny parts of her that nobody else had discovered, from the pictures on the memory card to everything she'd just told him about her life, Jared felt like he'd found the key to her soul and now it was up to him to keep her afloat.
"Sometimes I feel like, my life is just a downward spiral and that there is just no way to escape. I mean, I'd been fighting that feeling for so long. Trying to get rid of it, and I did. In Florida I'd gotten rid of it, but it came back and it's honestly eaten me alive since then. I thought I could manage, I had before when I was so much younger. But I as home then I guess. Now I'm here. 1000 fucking miles from home and I can't escape the feeling that I was just fucking born to be alone." She started to stuttered on her words as the sobs rattled up her throat and Jared felt like she was disintegrating in his palms. "I'm still really sorry about tonight Jared." She turned to face him now, holding his hand in hers and nestling their twisted fingers in her lap. "I know it's not really an excuse, and I'm so fucking embarrassed I did that to myself before our dinner. I just, I was scared. I didn't know what else too do. I'm fucking mess. But seriously I feel so fucking awful for treating you like that. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve to be treated the way I treated you tonight-"
"Emily. You don't know what I deserve." Jared interrupted her speech. He felt like she was laying herself to bare in front of him and he felt it only fair if he opened up slightly in return. Emily was silent, her eyes burning into his. "But I understand, Emily. I do."
"No, you don't. We're from two different worlds Jared."
"I understand though." He raised his voice. "I understand what it's like to be alone. Fuck, I've felt alone for the better part of the last 10 years. I can't even remember what it feels like to be needed by someone."
"Plenty of people need you." Emily said in a small voice and Jared scoffed.
"I'm not talking about our fans and all that shit. I'm talking about the need. The stability, the fucking comfort of knowing someone else is just going to be there, without question. So don't tell me I don't understand being alone. I've perfected loneliness."
She watched him as he took a swig from the bottle of vodka that sat next to them atop the boulder and she felt the longing in her body for him. The ache that settled deep down in her stomach. He wasn't what she was expecting he'd be, and that just made everything seem a bit more real, a bit more doable. He was a possibility and she was slowly realizing that.
"Wanna go somewhere?" Jared asked simply, his voice warm and inviting like a roaring fire on a snowy day and without hesitation she nodded her head at his request.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I need to confess something." Jared slurred from beside her. They were laying under a blanket in front of the fire pit in his back yard, the sky rapidly changing into a lighter shade of blue as the morning came closer, the reflection of the stars above them slowly fading from the pool just past the fire. The empty bottle of vodka laid somewhere below them and they were both feeling drunk from the alcohol and drunk from each other's company. "I saw some pictures of you the other day."
Emily turned her head to face him. His eyes gleamed and his bottom lip was between his teeth. His face was full blown cheeky and she didn't even feel slightly embarrassed by the pictures she knew he'd seen. Really, she felt somewhat sexy and empowered.
"Yeah. I thought them pictures were on that card I gave you. But I wasn't sure."
"Well, I can assure you that they are on that card." Jared laughed nudging his knee against her legs. He snuggled up a bit closer towards her body in case his announcement made her feel awkward, but from the smile upon her lips he knew he was safe. "I liked them."
"I bet you did." She laughed loudly.
"I'm serious Em. They were gorgeous. You are gorgeous." His voice was deadly serious and the intensity in his eyes had quickly put her on edge. She felt the wave of heat crash over her and her cheeks engulf in a blush from his words. She averted her gaze towards the flames of the fire and he could tell that maybe he'd gone a bit too far. He meant what he'd said. But he could tell it might have been too soon to call her gorgeous, or at least mean it with such sincerity.
"You wanna call it a night?" He asked in a small voice, placing his hand on her thigh and giving it a heart warming squeeze. She didn't want to call it a night. She wanted to stay. But she knew an indirect invitation to leave when she heard one. So she nodded with a small smile and stood from her seat and went to leave his home when she felt his hand grab her by the wrist.
"You can stay here if you want." He didn't think before he spoke. He just panicked at the notion of her leaving his side. "I have the room."
Her heart began pounding at his offer and she felt her palms grow clammy with impending connotations of her staying the night. She was so game for staying over, she was one hundred percent willing. But she still replied, "Thanks Jared, but that's okay." in fear that she'd end up getting in far too deep far too quickly and have to out up with broken soul as well as a broken heart.
"It's too late, there won't be any cabs now. And you're drunk. I'm not letting you get home at this time." Jared stood then to his full height, towering over her figure. He looked down into her chocolate eyes and stroked his way up her arms until his hands rested against her shoulders, his thumbs rubbing circles against the skin that was exposed. He took a deep breathe, breathing her into his lungs and with one hand wrapped the blanket they'd been nestled under around her shoulders in one swift motion, clasping it shut at her front.
"I'll be fine. I'm a grown woman." She smiled sweetly up at him.
"I know that. But..." Jared licked his lips. "You're staying with me." She breathed a giggle at his order as Jared continued. "And that's final."