North of Heaven (A Jared Leto Fanfiction)

THIRTEEN

The air was icy and bit into her fingers and toes, turning them blue and void of blood, going completely numb. Much like how she felt. Numb. However the weather wasn't to blame. Her blood ran cold in her veins, her mind absent of emotion. She couldn't feel anything. She was empty. The florescent lights of Los Angeles glowed and twinkled against the black night sky, a sight she'd seen before. It wasn't the first time she found herself sat on that boulder atop the Hollywood Hills, she used to go there every time she felt like the world had rejected her, doomed her to walk the streets a hollow soul with nothing to offer or promise. But this time, the lights didn't dazzle her, didn't remind her how beautiful the city was. She couldn't bring herself back from the ledge. She felt nothing. She felt dead inside.

What was she going to do now? What was left for her? What could possible give her a good enough reason to carry on? The answer was simple; nothing. There was nothing left for her to do with her life now that Jared had taken himself out of it.

In her left hand was a half empty bottle of vodka, her eyes were swollen and red from the constant river of tears that spilled out of them and her head was pounding as though someone had repeatedly threw her against a brick wall. Her legs were crossed and her back slouched over. She was sat upon the boulder but was standing at the edge. Peering into the inevitable black hole that we all fall into, waiting for herself to gain the courage to jump.

She didn't want to live anymore. Anything she'd ever had, anything that made her happy, was taken away. It never stayed with her. And at the age of 27, she'd pretty much decided that she couldn't continue for another year. She couldn't cope with another year of living in the dark claustrophobia of depression and having happiness ripped away from her so easily.

Raising the glass bottle in front of her she sniffed and wiped the moisture from her face with the sleeve of her jacket. She sloshed the clear liquor inside, inspecting how much she had left to down. Without caring, Emily placed the bottle of her lips and took a swig, immediately wincing as soon as the harsh liquid touch her throat. She wanted to down it. Chug it until it was empty but the first mouthful was enough to make her hesitate. She placed the bottle still a quarter full in her lap and when to tuck her shaking and numb hands in her jacket pockets.

With her fingers clenched inside the fabric of her jacket, her knuckles brushed against something. She stretched her hand open, grabbing the object only to pull it out to discover that she had a small, orange tub of what she could only make out to be tiny white pills. She shook the bottle slightly, the rattle coming from her hand told her that the container was far from empty. Her eyes scanned the orange plastic, trying to figure out what she was holding, as she absentmindedly licked her lips.

Emily's mind began to wander. Could this be it? A sign that this was her exit out? She glanced up quickly, her own dark thoughts scaring her slightly. She fixed her stare ahead of her. Taking in the glittering city in front of her that matched the glittering stars above her. Everything was aglow. Everything was ignited with life and energy. And there she sat in the deepest depths of depression she'd ever ventured through. A tear slowly slid down her pale cheek as her hold around the pills tightened. She closed her eyes, and breathed deeply.

Drawing the crisp air in through her nose, it swirled around her senses before she breathed it back out into the wilderness around her. This was it. She opened her eyes slowly, the lights of the city blurred appearing to her like bokeh as a layer of water had built up in front of her pupils. She slowly undid the bottle in her hand and emptied a few of the white tablets into her palm, her eyes never leaving the glow. Her eyes were so misty and her mind was so detached, the city didn't even look like a city. It was a light show, a spectacular bedazzlement that she could only imagine seeing in a dream. The fact she couldn't see her surroundings brought her out of her reality completely, which helped her put the pills in her mouth, and helped her put the bottle to her lips. She took one last deep breathe and closed her eyes before tilting her head back, waiting for the burn of the vodka to rush her mouth and the pills to take her body and mind over.

Instead, the bottle she held between her shivering palms was torn away. Her eyes shot open even though her vision was still impaired due to the tears that had been captive behind them. She gasped so quickly that she almost choked on the pills in her mouth. She coughed and spat them out beside her, quickly running her sleeve over her face once again before looking up. She didn't have the opportunity to take in for herself who had joined her on the hills because they'd grasped her face between their hands and forced her eyes to meet theirs.

Even in the dark of the night, the lights of the city behind him, his blue eyes still shone like they were made of nebulas. Her breath halted in her throat and she could feel the pounding in her head all over her skull. His eyes were heavy, intense. They held her stare so sharply she felt naked in front of him. She couldn't hide herself from him in that moment, she was far too vulnerable and weak and he was far too strong to let her hide away from him.

"Enough of this shit." Jared's voice was strained like he'd had to force it out of his body. She could see from the broad of his shoulders that he was angry. But she wasn't sure with what. He could still be annoyed about their argument earlier, or he could be angry that he found her just as she was about to take her life.

He stood quickly, releasing her face from his grasp and snatched the bottle of vodka from her left hand and then the bottle of pills from her right. In a flash, he threw the bottles in his hands into the darkness, Emily not being able to see where they ended up. He turned back to face her again, his features tense and his eyes wide.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Jared's voice was cold. Emily could only stutter. She still felt like she wasn't real, she felt like everything around her was a sick dream she was trapped in. "What the fuck Emily?!" His voice was louder this time. He ran a hand threw his hair quickly, bringing it round to scratch over his jaw line that was coated with slight and new stubble.

"Do you understand what you were about to do? You would of..." He trailed off, Emily's eyes were wide and watched every rapid and frantic movement he made. "You could of died. You would of left me here. I'd have to live without you. I can't believe you could be so fucking selfish." The last three words came out of him in a strangled cry. His shoulder shook and his mouth frowned. Before she even knew what she was doing, Emily was shuffling to the edge of the boulder she sat atop. She threw her arms around him. Squeezing him against her dainty frame as hard as she could. She felt his arms wrap around her, holding on just as tight as she was. His face buried against her neck, she could feel his tears against her skin and she couldn't keep hers at bay any longer.

"I love you." His voice was muffled but she heard it. Holding him tighter, she nodded her head.

"I love you!" Jared pulled back. Grasping Emily by her biceps and staring straight into her eyes. "I fucking love you! I love you so much, don't you ever pull that shit again with me," He sniffed as he pointed a finger at her, Emily quickly nodded in agreement. "I fucking love you Emily, don't fucking kill yourself! I mean... how the fuck could I go on without you, please don't fuck with me like that again. Don't you dare..." Throughout his rant, Emily had been peppering kisses against his tear soaked cheeks and tense features, but he veered of towards the end as Emily placed her lips on his.

The kiss they shared that night upon the Hollywood Hills changed everything. That was the beginning. The start. There was so much pure and honest love that fuelled their actions. Jared's arms around her, protecting her from the dark smoke that seeped closer, dragging her into a hole of drugs and depression. Her hands on his neck, keeping herself a float from the murky depths. Jared was Emily's centre of gravity. She revolved around him. Without him she was nothing. She knew that now. And so did Jared. He knew that the woman in his arms was his. Undeniably and incurably his. There was nothing that would take her away from him, he would fight anything or anyone who even contemplated the idea.

For once, in the longest time, for the both of them, they felt nothing but complete and overwhelming love for someone that it cancelled out the fear. They weren't scared of anything, because they loved each other.

"I love you too." Emily whispered against his lips as Jared drew back slightly to take a breathe. Placing his forehead gently against hers he breathed slowly and calmly into his lungs.

"Let's go home." He whispered back before placing his lips once more against Emily's and taking her hands in his.