Collin
~
I've been home for less than twenty four hours and Margo's already got me sneaking out.
It's nearly one in the morning and we decided to meet each other on the subway.
We learned we only live about 10 minutes from one another if we take the subway. I can walk to the station in two minutes, so I hop out my window and make my way there.
I didn't even think about it, truthfully. If Margo asked me to cut grass with scissors for fun, I'd do it. I'd sit there until every little blade of grass was the exact same height.
My parents would most likely let me see her at a reasonable time, but something about keeping Margo a secret felt better.
I don't need anyones opinions about the girl I met in the mental hospital.
It's not that i'm ashamed of her, or our friendship, but it feels so safe right now. Special. It's not like either of us really have anyone to tell either.
I make my short walk to the subway station, slide my metro-card and wait for the train to take me to Margo. She's waiting for me at another stop, one perfectly in the middle of the two of us.
Despite the late hours of the night, there are still several people lingering around.
New York can make you feel safe that way. It reminds you that whatever you're facing, someone else is facing much worse, or much better. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that I am just one little person on one little planet. What I do at one in the morning is hardly a speck in the universe's plan.
I watch the old man crouched over and the young waitress probably just getting off work. They all have a story, issues much harder than mine.
I lean my head on the side and close my eyes as we make the short trip to my stop.
Once we come to a halt and the voice announces my stop, I pull myself up and get off the train.
I figured I'd be here earlier. I think her travel time is longer.
I lean against the lightly graffitied walls and twiddle my thumbs. For some reason I feel nervous.
What if we aren't the same outside of Orchard Hills? What if we somehow changed in a few days and cannot stand each other?
My palms are sweaty.
Can she hurry up before I have a heart attack at seventeen?
I kick loose stones and dead cigarettes on the dirty subway floors as I wait for her. Eventually I hear the train stop and I just know.
I look up to find a small, pale brunette with hair that covers her body like a cape. She wears her black hood over her to hide herself and slowly steps off the train.
Her skin is clear and glowing, until you reach her dark black and blue eyes. Her slouched posture suddenly becomes pin straight at she spots me, a small smile finding her light pink lips.
I wave at her and she walks forward, dragging her feet.
"Collin," she says monotonously. You'd think she wasn't happy to see me, but the subtle smile told me otherwise. "you're alive. I'm proud."
I smirk. "Margo July? Is it really you?"
She pretends to shield her face. "Shh, don't broadcast it." She stops in front of me, her full lashes batting as she looks up at me. Damn.
We quit our games and I pull her into my arms, hugging her tight. "I missed you." I admit.
We pull away and she looks happy, the light in her eyes poking through. "I missed you. How was the group session?"
"How about we start with something a little lighter. Like, I don't know, how was the weather today?" I avoid her question.
She gives me a blank, unenthusiastic look. "That's not really how we roll,"
I shrug. "Fair enough," we slide down the wall and face each other. "it was good, I guess. They admitted their flaws and said they'd try to change. Who knows how that will go,"
Margo's eyes study me, and I try to ignore the pull I feel towards her. For some reason I want to be holding her. Touching her. I need her in my space and I'm never like that with anymore.
"How has it been at home?" I ask her.
She sighs, looking down. I want her eyes back on me. "Fine. My mother is crazy, my father ignores everything. It's fine."
I grab her hand, letting that suffice my need to hold her. "That's not fine." I tilt her chin up with my other hand, ensuring she listens to me.
"It has to be. For now," her eyes hold so much inside them. I wish I knew how to decipher it all. "can I tell you something?"
I nod my head without thinking. "You can tell me anything,"
She closes her eyes and exhales before speaking. "That night where you stayed with me until I fell asleep?" I nod letting her know I knew. "That was the best sleep I ever got."
I can't help but smile. "Me too. Until I had to go," getting myself out of that bed was the hardest thing. Her legs were wrapped around mine, her head on my chest and her small, frail hand clutching my torso.
Why do I want to fall asleep with her right here?
Holding her hand isn't enough. I pull her onto my lap and she rests her head on my shoulder. We sit against the wall, trying not to think about our disgusting surroundings.
"I go back to school tomorrow," she says quietly.
I squeeze her tighter. "Are you nervous?"
"Yes," she admits. "it's like reintroducing myself as the freak every time I come back."
"You're not a freak," I try to assure her. "you'll be okay."
She sighs. "You need to transfer schools,"
I chuckle. "Good luck convincing my fancy ass parents to leave private school,"
"Fuck them," she groans, throwing her head back. "I wish we could do what we want."
I stay quiet, trying to think about it logically. "Maybe one day we could,"
"Mhm," she mumbles as she nuzzles her head further into my chest. She exhales deeply. "come home with me."
"You know I can't,"
"I know."
We stay cuddled together for awhile, feeling no need to speak. I never felt such an intense need to kiss her before, or to make any advance on her truly. It never felt right, and it still doesn't.
She's still healing, and her ex is out there roaming around terrorizing her, so I can't make her life that much more stressful.
But the thought is always there.
I'm not really ready either, I guess, but she's not an ugly girl, and a guy has needs. Luckily my pills kill basically all my sex drive.
I need to stop thinking of her that way. Margo and I are perfect right now, and I need us to stay that way.
"Why don't we meet at a library next? Play our game outside of the hospital," she offers.
My heart skips. She's making plans. Sweet. "Yeah. When? Tomorrow?"
Margo laughs softly. "Someone wants to see me," she teases looking up briefly. "but no, i'll be busy after school. Tuesday?"
"Sure," I agree. "that's my first day back."
"Are you nervous?" She repeats my earlier question.
"No," I say confidently. "there's nothing these people could say that I haven't heard. I don't care anymore."
Margo's cold hands squeeze mine. "Everything will go great. For both of us,"
"This optimism is inspiring," I say, smirking.
She rolls her eyes. "Fine. I'll continue my fucking negativity then,"
Suddenly she's standing up and dragging me up with her. She pulls me by our intertwined hands and drags me onto the newly arrived train.
We sit in the back corner, hiding away from the very few other people. I look at her, watching her slow blinks as she scrolls through her music, looking for a song.
"Wanna listen?" She holds out an earbud, her soft features looking even softer as she smiles sweetly at me.
I grab the headphone and put it in my ear, facing the front again and waiting for her to play a song. I don't watch her scroll because I figure it'll probably stress her out.
She finally picks a song. It's one I haven't heard before. The soft, high pitched viv also of the singer and the beautiful violin in the background seem to relax me.
I can feel Margo's eyes on me as I lean my head back, eyes closed.
I know we're heading back to Margo's stop, and I don't want to be away from her.
"Next time we can be together longer," she says softly.
I look at her, grabbing a small bouncy curl and twirling it between my fingers. "The library?"
She nods, her eyes never leaving mine.
We stare at one another, no words needing to be said. I take in her slow inhales and exhales, the way she blinks quick, as if she'll miss my next move.
I can't tear my eyes from her. We're so close, huddled in the back of this damn subway. Her breath is mine and I can smell her rose scented perfume.
I don't think about it anymore. I can't just stare into the eyes of the one person who makes me feel seen, who makes me safe, and not do anything.
I lift my hand that's not holding hers and gently lift her lips to mine. I kiss her slowly, because honestly I'm waiting for her to pull away.
She doesn't though, instead her hand plays with the hair on the back of my neck as she subtly pulls me closer to her.
Our lips move in sync as we kiss slowly and passionately. She feels like pure electricity and I can't describe the tingles that flow throughout my body.
No girl has ever come close to making me feel how Margo does with one look. One look and I want to be near her. If I think about her I want to see her. It's disgusting and I love it.
Having her lips on mine feels right in so many ways. Like finding the last piece of the puzzle.
When we pull apart our eyes find each other and we both break into a stupidly happy smile. I rest my forehead on her and we spend the rest of the ride holding each other and admiring the hustle of the city around us.