CHAPTER 55
I LOVE YOU
+
"All I can say is, Victor, you've been making tremendous progress since the first time you came here. Dr. Mantashe will be so proud of you."
By the time Victor had settled in South Dakota, he had appointed himself another psychiatrist by Dr. Mantashe's recommendation. Her name was Dr. Swiftwater and she reminded him closely of Dr. Singh who, unlike him, had relocated out of the state and resigned from her role as a chief doctor in Penrose State Hospital, while he had secured a job there as one of the primary care doctors after he completed his residency during the challenging times of his sister's eight years arrest, as per her hearty request for him to continue his life and education despite all the turmoil.
In Penrose, his position was greatly disputed due to a conflict of interest, but he had staunchly defended himself in front of a board of physicians in the American Medical Association that his intention was pure and ungoverned by any underhanded intentions. He took an oath that stated he didn't possess any resentment and prejudice that may predispose his work and ethic in handling patients, and after they subjected him to rigorous examination time and time again, two months ago, he finally found his effort fruitful as they granted him the permission, and he couldn't be more grateful.
Victor fiddled with the feather on his bracelet. He wasn't unsure or insecure, just frank and unguarded when he said, "I don't know, maybe I don't experience panic so often anymore because my work keeps me preoccupied."
Dr. Swiftwater tilted her head slightly as she inspected his nugatory motion, seeming to find meaning on it that he himself didn't intend to give any value to, but she wasn't smothering or overly critical, just attentive. "But you have to see it for what it is. You're literally working at the hospital for the mentally ill now. You said that the younger you would never dream of doing so. You have to give yourself some credit then, because it's an achievement in and out of itself."
"Yeah, I guess so. I also think that I will get a further fellowship on neuropsychiatry because it is what she wanted..." he trailed in remembrance of her. He couldn't lie, she was still so close, too close that someday he believed that she was really present in the moment with him even though he couldn't see her. He did call her a ghost, a specter, a revenant, but this time, he wanted her to be with him; her shadow, her feeling, her energy, her residue, whatever it was that still remained of her, he wanted to carry it with him everywhere.
He uncovered his sleeves and a ghost of a poignant smile graced his lips as he found the bracelet there and a new tattoo he drew for himself of a blossoming flower; the same one as her middle name on the inner part of his wrist where the scars used to be.
"Is that what you want too?"
He looked up at her in resoluteness, but there was also a dilemma. "Yes, it is, but I don't know if I can leave my brother. I don't want to leave him. What do you think?"
"Personally, I think it would be very kind of you to take care of him. It's the most appropriate thing for sure, but as a psychiatrist, I have to ask you, does the caretaker role be the one that you're willing to take up?" she asked him.
He nodded, his heart laden with deep conviction. "Yes, yes, I love him. He's the only one that I have left, well, aside from Nico, of course, but we don't know where he is right now, so..."
A small, encouraging smile appeared on her lips. "Then it is your decision to make. If I have to be honest, you're still young, anyway, there is still a lot of time for you to get into the fellowship. Perhaps this is the right time for a break, for things to slow down a little bit, for healing, as they say. There's no harm in resting at all."
Victor inhaled a deep breath, taking in the comfort of her words. "You're right. Thank you, doctor."
"I heard that you're also planning to open up a tattoo studio here."
Victor's lips also curled up into a sheepish smile. "Yes, I am. I hope that I can launch it by the end of this year."
"I'm glad to hear that."
Tranquility passed between them for a minute as he leaned back on the soft cushion, relishing in the calmness of the tide that also happened in his mind and heart.
Dr. Swiftwater caught the serene expression on his face and she was hesitant to bring up the subject, but she thought if his peace was as deep rooted as it appeared now, it wouldn't be disturbed so easily. "What about the nightmares? Do you still have difficulty sleeping?"
"Only sometimes. I'm too busy worrying about Cam at night to have nightmares for myself," he answered with composure.
"How's his condition? Mentally? Physically?"
He bit his lips, something in his chest ached upon thinking about his second eldest brother that had lost himself. "He's the same. He still locks himself in his music room during the day and only comes out when he is going to sleep in her room at night, always her room. He never wanted to go anywhere, like I've told you before, I was ready to drop everything for him if he wanted to move away, maybe to his house in Turkey or Italy.
"Oh, and we're trying to get him to eat regularly. His psychiatrist recommends that I consult a dietician. So, I'm going to do it."
"He still writes music?"
"Yes, I feel like that's the only thing that keeps him going because it reminds him of her, you know, because she was the one who encouraged him."
Dr. Swiftwater reclined back on her seat. "Good, it's good that he's not idle. Sometimes passivity will only lead to negative things. Well, you take care of him, but you must not neglect yourself in the process, alright?"
"Yeah, I won't. All my life I have depended on them." Victor caught the frown on her face as he said the words and immediately dismissed it with a smile. "Really, it doesn't come from a place of inferiority. It's the truth. I wouldn't be here without them and now it's time for me to do the same. I want to be strong for Cam and Nico. I want to be there for them."
She studied the expression in his features for a taciturn second before breaking out into another smile of her own. "I believe you, Victor. I believe you are strong from the very beginning. Be there for your brother and be there for yourself."
+
"Victor, when are you coming home?" Nova's voice was apprehensive on the phone and his movement stilled suddenly as he walked out of Dr. Swiftwater's office.
"Just a few more minutes. What is it? Is it Cam?"
"No, no. He's fine. It's just... Nicholas, he's here," her voice suppressed into a whisper.
His mouth went dry almost immediately and he tried to swallow the lump on his throat. Dread overcame him and threatened to raze down the composure of his mind. "I'm on my way."
He hung up the phone, shoving it inside his bag and stalked out of the building into his car that was parked on the sidewalk. He ignited the engine and pulled out of the area, making his way towards home.
Home.
Home was the three-storeyed building constructed on a remote land near the deciduous forest, whose architecture remained similar as it had been since the 60s, with six bedrooms, an office, a music room, the parlor, the hallways, the living room, the kitchen... home was the same as he first stepped inside the place from the Uber he took while the sky was brewing with storm, to break apart the fight that occurred between his siblings. Home also was the same one where the revelations of their past had broken out and shattered them.
Home was nowhere else but here. Not even Seattle or Montana. Only here where she had truly lived. Only here where she had truly been.
The process of unlearning had been tough. The layers that they had to shed to get to the core in order to see what was really inside the façade that their parents put up was filled with worms and decay, filling them up with doubts that they must have been raised rotten in the flesh. The realization was almost as worse as losing her and it evoked a reaction so profound for each of the brothers that manifested in a deleterious pattern where Cameron couldn't stop trying to destroy himself and Nicholas was yet again, nowhere to be found.
Victor himself, though, couldn't give a name for his situation. All he knew was that he must keep driving home, trying to uphold something, a hope to show to his older brothers that there was always a place for them, rotten or not, that she had initially fostered. A place where she had made them see that she would love them in whatever form they came or ended up to be.
The reception of the media was heinous for Nicholas and Cameron, but Nicholas was swift to dispatch his PR team through Kayla in collaboration with Alfie Hoon, Cameron's manager. Meanwhile, the reaction from the community around the city was generally mixed. Their family was renowned now as scandalous and their land was shunned, but they also never ran out of kind people who remained treating them the same as before the incident occurred. One of them was Safeera from the restaurant, who stood up for Victor every time some disrespectful people confronted him while he was around. Albeit, they were not half as bad as the other variant of people who actually accosted him in an attempt to give him a false sense of consolation.
If only she hadn't done it in South Dakota, she would've been exempted from capital punishment, they said, and how did they expect his reply after that?
Nova had also become a devoted friend and confidant, and she flew to see them every chance she got when she wasn't preoccupied with her postgraduate study in California. To fill in the gap between their schedules, Victor employed a housekeeper and a gardener to keep an eye on his older brother; they are the ones whom he had performed an onerous background check on, yet Cameron still never trusted them to be around. He could understand him though.
It had only been three years since her execution. The wound was still too fresh. She was still haunting the hallway.
+
"You won't let me see my own brother?"
Nova shook her head as she crossed her arms over chest, standing guard before Cameron's music room. She didn't have to worry about him hearing their bickering. "It's not that, it's just... he doesn't want to see you."
He narrowed his eyes at her, but there was no forcefulness in his expression. "What are you talking about? Of course he does. I'm his brother."
She noticed how he couldn't utilize any other motives to coax her besides the fact that he was his brother, but the sting of the most violent fight they had just after they met their sister for the last time still hurt. Cameron was always visibly agonized by the remembrance of him and Victor, too, especially by his abandonment. So, what was greater? This pain or this everlastingly tragic tie that bonded them as brothers? "Just wait until Victor comes. It's not my decision to make."
He sighed, running his hand through his long hair that was tied up behind his head. He didn't trim it at all, she wondered why. "Nova, you know I would never hurt him, if that's what you're afraid of. I just wanted to say goodbye."
She froze suddenly. "Goodbye? Where are you going?"
He smiled at her, there was an enigma to it. "I have to leave, but before that I need to see my brothers."
She faltered in her stance. "Are you going to..."
"Yes," he confirmed. The darkness that clouded his hazel irises disclosed everything to her.
She fell into silence, eyes meeting him with a silent understanding. The comprehension of what was to come had completely sealed everything. Cameron needed to see him now even if it only could add to his pain.
She didn't say a word when she sidestepped and gave way for him to enter the music room, letting him see his brother.
He halted beside her, gazing sideways on the detail of her soft, long hair. It was platinum blonde now, but the fire was still within her, and he found himself silently admiring the woman. "Thank you for everything. My brothers and I, we owe you our life and many more. It will never be enough to repay you, but I promise, from here on, you will never find yourself lacking."
He walked up and left the door ajar for her to make sure that she could see that he didn't betray his promise to never hurt his younger brother. Gazing into the desolate room, silence immediately gripped him, chills adhering to the walls as though the surface was rimed with frost. There was a timeless winter in this place and Cameron was the one who had the dominion over it as he turned himself cold.
Nicholas approached the grand piano in the middle of the room. The music sheet on top of the shelf caught his attention. A complicated piece was laid out there under the title, Magnolia, and he immediately averted his gaze away, not sparing a chance for the detail to shoot straight to his heart and caused him more pain. From the many musical instruments and equipment in the room, he spotted Cameron laying on his side on a bed that had been pushed up on a corner near the window.
His eyes were shut and his chest rose in steady fluctuation as Nicholas sat on the edge of the mattress. He observed the jutting cheekbones of his face and the pronounced curve of his jaw that was covered with light stubble. The veins on his forehands protruded from the layer of his pallor skin making his artistic fingers appear even leaner than it had already been, and his wrists that were exposed from underneath the white blanket that covered him-they were merely bones hollowed out by the coldness of this place, his black and gold bracelet hanging loosely.
Nicholas' heart clenched against his chest at the sight of him. The lump on his throat and the warmth on his tear ducts made it even harder for him to do what he had to do, and at that moment, he couldn't fight it, his gaze blurred.
He reached out his hand to collect the disheveled blond hair from Cameron's forehead, and he stirred half-awake, perceiving the gentle touch.
Another silvery dangle of metal feather hanging from a black and blue bracelet was the first thing that Cameron could see before it connected to a familiar figure and face.
"Nico..." he whispered. Unlike what Nicholas had expected, he didn't make a move to drive him away. He didn't even raise his voice at him and Nicholas feared that it might be because he was too weak to do so.
"Cam," he called back, tucking his younger brother's blond hair behind his ear. The only thing that seemed to remain from his old self. Victor or Nova must have taken the time to tidy it for him.
"Where have you been?" he asked, his voice almost inaudible.
Nicholas' eyes flickered as he tried to subdue his surmounting sadness, but it only became worse when he saw a familiar, yellow box that he thought he had seen somewhere placed beside the water tumbler on the coffee table next to the bed. He could only identify who it belonged to when he also caught the sight of the stack of chocolate bars that were idly placed along with them.
Biting his lips, he closed his eyes for a fraction of second as he felt the burning in his heart and head. He recalled her words.
"I'll be here... by your side. When I die, you will know... that I never left you."
He brushed it all aside, trying to ignore the presence of the two things if he didn't want himself to break down now. He picked the tumbler up, opening the cap and handing it to Cameron's lips as he propped his brother to him.
Cameron's projecting Adam's apple bobbed up and down upon his drinking and once he was done, he sighed, content yet tortured.
"Where have you been?" he repeated, clearer this time. "You left... you left Vic... you left me..."
"I'm so sorry... I have to take care of some business," he said as he replaced the tumbler and put his hands back on his lap. Misgivings gripped him now, that Cameron might not be able to take what he was going to reveal, but this was what he truly needed. What would hopefully bring somewhat a sliver of hope and peace within him because he deserved it.
Nicholas would do this for his younger brothers, the most precious treasures he had left. The ones he would protect with his life and hereafter.
"Cam, you know those people that were in the audio...?"
Cameron's lips broke apart as he tried to lift himself upright again, but Nicholas shook his head, silently encouraging him to remain lying down.
Cameron frowned at him, his lethargic eyes harbored turbulent storms in them. "The ones who watched her..."
"Yes," he confirmed. Shadows cast over his face, his voice lowering with a grim edge to it. "I think I've found them and I want... I want to hurt them, one by one. I want to make them pay for what they did to her, for what they did to us...
"People think that I'm ruthless and I let them believe what they want to about me, but I have never done this before in my life, so I need your permission... I need your permission, Cam. Please, tell me that it's okay if I want to hurt them..."
Cameron's lips quivered, his stare growing wide as a tear fell from his eyelids to the pillow case. Then he closed his eyes as his hand fumbled for his older brother's.
Nicholas received him by squeezing their hands together.
"Yes," he whispered, faint, but resolute and nodded his head as he felt cold lips on his forehead, before a lasting farewell resounded in his ear.
"Thank you, brother."
+
Victor rushed towards the house through the front door and upon entering, he came face to face with Nicholas in the hallway while the sight of Nova, with her head down, slinked away into the living room, leaving the space all for themselves.
"Nico..." he called out, breathless.
Nicholas, upon observing his white, medical coat that was hanging on his arm, smiled proudly at him. "Dr. Crane."
Victor couldn't be swayed by his light air of playfulness and nonchalance. "Wha-what are you doing here?"
He approached him. "I just want to... say goodbye."
Victor reclined slightly, taken aback. "Goodbye? What are you talking about? You're barely even here..."
He retained his smile, but there was a remorseful quality to it. "I'm sorry, but this is my decision, Vic."
"What kind of a fucking decision is that?" he raised his voice, provoked by his emotions. "Nico, what is it?"
He shook his head as his eyes studied each and every sharp features of Victor's face, wanting to imprint the image of his little brother on his mind.
Victor reached out and tugged at his dark shirt. The gesture garnered a small, reminiscing smile from Nicholas. "Nico, please."
"It's a very important one. I have to... clean up after everything, please understand." He couldn't let him know. For his tender-hearted brother, the world was better off covered in rose-colored glasses.
"No! Where are you gonna go?" he stammered. "Wha-what are you saying that I'm gonna lose you too?"
Nicholas brought his hand to the back of Victor's neck and shook his head again. "You won't. No one can get rid of me that easily."
He couldn't say anything when Nicholas stroked his hair. "Have I ever told you how much I'm proud of you? Always was and always will be. You are smart, even more than me, and brave, even more than Cam. Don't cry, Vic. It's not everyday that I'm admitting to someone's greatness other than my own, isn't it? You have to relish in it."
He grinned, a rare sight, wiping away the tear that stained Victor's cheek.
"Now I want you to take care of Cam. Can you do that for me? He needs you right now. He needs you by his side. You better make sure that he eats, and if he doesn't want to, just plug him with an IV or whatever it is that you doctors do, just make sure that he keeps alive, Vic. Promise me that you will never stop trying to convince him that none of it was his fault. No matter what you do, just don't ever give up on him and on yourself. Promise me.
"Now if you finally decide to go into the fellowship and you need money or if Cam needs something, call Kayla, okay? Don't tire yourself out working. Also, don't read in the dark unless you want to fuck up your eyes, got it?"
There was so much more that Nicholas wanted to say, but he was afraid that if he kept going, Victor might just be able to change his mind, so he closed the distance between them as he brought his younger brother to his embrace. "I love you, brother. I love both of you. Never forget that."
Fear gripped Victor at the possibility that he would never see him again. His voice trembled when he said, "Nico, promise me that you will come back."
His voice cracked under the pressure of feelings but his heart was resolved. "Goodbye, brother."
+
"Now my soul
Is stretching through the roots
To memories of you
Back through time and space
To carry home
The faces and the names
And photographs of you
Rescued from the flames.
One promise you made
One promise that always remains
No matter the price
A promise to survive
Persevere and thrive
As we've always done."
- Chris Cornell
F I N