Today has, overall, been pretty good. I've received many...questionable threats from my cousins and my friends, so I'm a bit worried for myself when I see them.
This year really has become my 'extraverted year' already. I'm becoming more comfortable with people other than Haerin, and strengthening my friendships.
Thanks to my diary I'm realizing who I want to be more and more as I grow older.
For years I've been reserved, quiet, almost emotionless...that could also be to blame for my diary.
I expressed my anxiety, happiness, excitement, all on paper, because I was too scared to say it aloud.
I wanted to be able to hug my friends, or call for them when I see them in public.
I wanted to be able to joke with people more freely, and to have conversations easier.
I just was never able to bring myself to do it.
I could only do that with certain people...him being one of them.
I was always living in an endless cycle of fear and doubt, before and after he left us.
But I can't recall feeling this way when he was still by my side, maybe i was too preoccupied with having him as one of my two best, and only, friends.
Maybe I thought that I wouldn't be taken seriously if I acted the way I truly wanted to.
Maybe wanting to be a writer made me think my like only revolves around writing, and being serious all the time.
There's an endless amount on 'maybe's I could put into the world, I'm not sure I'll be able to figure out the true cause.
At least now, I know to live my life the way I want.
I'm so sick of being alone, and showing no emotion.
I want to start expressing myself better, well I kind of already have been doing that, and it feels amazing.
Something I've realized this year is, I don't have to fit society's standards for a group of people.
I can be an author, but still live outside of my writing.
I'm able to be studious but still have fun.
I can express my emotions in things that isn't just being with Haerin or in my works.
Life is short, so I want to continue living it the way that makes me happy.
lowkey character development...? hints to Chae's past and personality...? also filler.