Dave Brown. A bachelor, a photographer, an idea, a concept, a man and one of my closest friends.
Originally he derived from England but since resided in Los Angeles, America and had for a couple of years now. He was to present me a home, where I would stay with him for a year.
For all intensive purposes I was staying to complete my new novel that my publisher expected within a year. Nobody could prove the part of me that was hoping to run into Noel and convince him to come back to me. That was just some fantasy and I had to lower my hopes and expectations.
It was just some fantasy until Dave decided to make it a reality without even realising.
"You know how you talk about this Noel guy twenty four seven?" He boomed, his British accent still clear as day.
"I thought you wanted me to forget about him?" I grumbled.
"Well yeah but he's performing here right now. Spider, right? That's his stage name. I know he lives here and all but this is the last couple of concerts of his tour. We should check one out so I can see what the hype is all about" He leant against the kitchen counter with a smirk, holding his hands together.
"If he so much as spots me in that audience..."
"Who cares?! Look if you need convincing..."
He stepped back and frantically began searching for something. He lifted the fruit bowl and brought out a fresh newspaper, the object he was looking for. He opened it up and flipped through a couple of pages before turning it to me. I examined the page he had landed on, it was an advertisement using the entire page to promote Noel's tour. His face was large and stunned, those eyes could tranquillise any man and it brought me great pleasure to understand they had used the real electrifying blue of his eyes without any effect. The colours of his album artwork surrounded him and the details about the last performances in LA were down the bottom. It wasn't until I saw the header I choked.
"A Star Is Born?"
He grinned, tearing it away from my eyes and facing it back to him.
"From the remnants of his broken band the brilliant lead singer rises from the ash and rubble and thus an even bigger star is born.... Join him on tour blah blah..." Dave read aloud, "That's the name of his tour, Julian. He practically begging for your attention!"
"Or maybe he just really liked the movie and wanted to shed light on it?"
"Bullshit. You told me yourself he barely paid attention. He was all over you from what I can remember" Dave scoffed and rolled his eyes.
He put down the newspaper and stared me in the eyes as if pleading for me to give in.
"Why are you so desperate to go anyway?" I enquired, raising an eyebrow.
"Okay, look, I lied. I already have tickets, backstage pass too. I'm the photographer of the event" Dave admitted, "It's where I'll be the next couple of nights and during the final concert I can bring a friend. Please come, please"
"You lied to me, you scum" I over-dramatically snapped in a joking manner.
"Fuck off" He chuckled and I grinned back him.
"No, wow. That's such a big job you've landed, I'm impressed"
"It's not my first time working for the band... I should've told you. I'm sorry"
"No, it's okay" I shook my head, "I'll come, I'm just worried"
"Don't be"
***
I should've been worried. We had seats in the very front row and I was having mass anxiety about being so noticeable. Dave said he needed to be close so he could photograph but I didn't understand why I had to be.
I tried to slump into my seat hoping somehow I'd either camouflage or melt into the seat entirely.
When the performance started and Noel came on stage, my heartbeat was rapid and my fingers twitched. He was just as beautiful as I remembered. I suddenly forgot my anxieties and fears. I was too distracted by his presence to worry about my own.
He was so nice to the audience, getting them involved as much as he could.
At some point during the concert his replacement band were ushered away as he came downstage centre, under a single spotlight, perched on a stool to do an acoustic song. He pulled his guitar onto his lap and smiled over our shadowed faces.
"Now I hope you guys know the movie I named my tour after. Anyone who doesn't can just leave" He jested, sipping a water bottle and placing it down beside him. "It's one of my favourites. That movie provides me with many memories, too painful to think about now I suppose. Still, I decided to do a cover of 'Evergreen' and I want to share it with you considering this is my last show. This goes to that special person in the audience right now"
Somehow, somewhere in my heart I thought he was dedicating it to me. After all the struggles we went through he found my face in the crowd and decided to put aside our past and celebrate our future. I cried when he sung so beautifully, so gracefully one of my favourite songs. I guess that's why it hurt so much to know it wasn't for me.
I realised it wasn't when the song had ended and the lights dimmed slightly making it easier for him to see. He had seen me and boy, his expression was something I couldn't even explain. For the rest of the concert he kept wearily looking back at me every now and then.
When it was over and the encore had been sung, Dave said we had to go back stage. It was part of his job to talk to Mike, Noel's brother and manager and show him the photos he had taken. I was reluctant at first but he gave me no choice.
It was the first time I was introduced to Mike and he seemed cautious around me as if he had been told stories about me behind my back. My polite expression had dropped and a concerned one replaced it. He didn't seem to want to be friendly so I slunk away and let the two get down to business. I leant against a red door, watching as Dave proudly showed his pictures and Mike was over the moon with the quality.
Suddenly, amidst them discussing one of the close-ups of Noel's acoustic session, the door I leant on was opened and I fell back. A hand had harshly gripped my collar and pulled me inside the blue tinted room. The mysterious hand slammed the door shut and spun me to face them.
Noel was furious.
"What the fuck did I say!"
The diva had tears swelling in his eyes which smudged his make-up and he couldn't keep still, pacing around the confined room.
"I'm sorry... Dave..."
"I can't even handle this. Dave is brilliant, he's done quite a few events for me and I'm always welcome for him to bring along friends but... I didn't realise you'd be one of them. You're everywhere!"
"I'm allowed to have friends"
"I know that" Noel sighed, running a hand through his sweaty hair and darting his eyes to the floor. "Just not in LA"
"I live here now"
"Of course you do" He nervously laughed, unsurprised by the news.
"Look, I know you never wanted to see me again but tough shit. Yes, I'm here in your hometown. Yes, I'm buddies with your photographer. Yes, I may have hoped to run into you while I resided here but that only makes me human" I spat in defence, annoyed at his ridiculous rage. "You said you'd leave my life forever but I never promised to leave yours"
"Would you give it up! Julian, let me go. It's been over four years since this obsession started. How many times do I have to disappear for you to finally get the message?!" He growled.
"How many times do I have to reappear for you to finally get the message?" I hesitated, a sadness in my tone.
"That message being?"
I responded in the only way I knew how. I stormed up to him with ferocity in my eyes and thunder in my footsteps. I grabbed hold of his waist and pulled him into mine. I leant forward and let my lips tackle his. He didn't fight it, conforming to my sudden romance and letting his lips battle with my own. Then he realised what he was doing and he became defiant, struggling free of my grip and glaring at me.
"Never kiss me again" He snarled.
"Okay, I'm sorry. That was out of line. Maybe we could just be friends?"
I didn't want him to disappear again. There was only a certain amount of times I could follow him.
"What I said a year ago still stands. I never want to see your face or hear your name or kiss you again. Please, go back to England and leave me alone" He groaned before budging passed me and exiting the room.
I followed after him, prepared to give him some more convincing arguments and persuade him to take his words back. What made me bite my tongue was seeing him walk up to a girl who smiled so wide upon his sudden presence.
Lliana Bird. She was gorgeous, flawless and something I couldn't live up to. She was perfect with her shiny, caramel skin, her pure white pale lipped smile, her blushing cheeks, her overturned nose, her sleek light eyebrows, her squinted chocolate eyes with bold pink eyeshadow, her indented cute laugh lines and her flowing hair of mixed shades of brown stopping above her breasts. I was gay but not blind, she was the most attractive woman on earth.
They kissed. I felt like I was on a swing and someone pushed me too hard so I ended up soaring way too high and I had that restrictive, terrified sensation tingle in my chest. It was like that but even after their lips separated I never came back down from the sky.
"Is that Julian? Your friend?" She beamed, her voice was loud.
Before Noel could respond she waltzed over to me and I got to see her perfection up close.
"I've heard so much about you" She grinned, holding out her hand.
"Really?" I frowned and took her tender hand in mine, shaking it.
"Noel always finds a way to relate something back to you. It's ridiculous! What brings you to LA?" Her voice was so keen and so polite as she talked to me.
"He's Dave Brown's friend and he's staying with him" Noel answered for me, coming up behind his woman.
"Excellent! Dave is so charming, I'm sure you are too"
"I try to be" I smiled, shrugging it off.
"Well we better get going. It so nice to meet the man my boyfriend is basically in love with" She chuckled and I swallowed hard. "I hope to see more of you"
She teasingly poked me and I nodded, a small smile on my face. Noel didn't say a word, slithering his arm around her waist and escorting her away from me.
I had died. Specifically, I had drowned. He had killed me. I was the corpse in the hallway, the deathly prostitute who sold myself for a breath of life I could only find in him. He was the light above the water I had drowned in. How cruel was it that that same light was the thing holding me under water?