Chapter Twenty Six: Isn't This Great?
I was in sixth grade when I first met Alexander.
We met at the soda machine next to the entrance of the school library, we became friends and then close friends, the only problem was that I fell in love with him.
I confessed to him my feelings numerous times, but in the end, he never told me he felt the same thing.
He said I was too good for him, and that's what I didn't understand about him.
I thought something was up with him, but no... I realized that day that he really just didn't like me.
He loved me as his friend, and it will forever stay that way.
Dapat sinabi niya na lang sa akin yung totoo, e 'di sana nahanda ko ang sarili ko. I was hurt, I cried, and threw everything away, and for the first time I hated him and everyone.
Pero kaibigan ko pa rin siya, kaya alam ko na kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko pwedeng sirain ang pagkakaibigan namin dahil lang sa nakita roon sa loob ng banyo nung may kahalikan siyang ibang babae.
I accepted it. I accepted the fact that Alexander Seth Cardoza will never love me.
Alam ko, alam ko na. Pero bakit hanggang ngayon parang hinahabol pa rin ako ng nakaraan ko?
I had to end it, my feelings for Alexander, I tried to become better, we were still friends but something was changing.
No, it's not changing, something ended, someone's trust had been broken.
When I got my first boyfriend, hindi ko naman balak na itago sa mga kaibigan ko yun, it's normal to be in a relationship too, at first pinagtawanan lang ni Alexander na may boyfriend na 'ko, the next day parang normal lang siya.
Pero years later, two or three weeks before now, nung nalaman niya na nagkaroon pala talaga ako nang boyfriend, galit siya.
Naintindihan ko naman kung bakit siya galit, I guess he thought I didn't trust him enough, that I hated him and that's why I hid it from him.
Ang 'di niya naiintindihan ay kaibigan ko lang siya, hindi ko siya kapatid, hindi siya si Genevieve, hindi siya ganoon kaimportante sa buhay ko.
"Grabe, Rina."
"Huh?" tinapon ni Silas yung iniinom niyang gatas at humarap siya ulet sa'kin na may kasama pang misteryosong ngiti sa labi niya.
"You know that you'll only piss him off even more if you told him that."
"What? Ano naman kung yun ang sabihin ko sa kanya? He is wrong, Silas."
"Yes, and right when he's just about to probably apologize, you ran like... a coward, Katerina." tawa niyang sabi.
Just thinking about it annoys me. Ano bang meron sa'kin at talagang tumakbo ako? Isn't this what I wanted? For him to talk to me first and then have a talk about what happened that night?
"He is trying to make it up to you."
"Make it up? He'll have to work harder."
Paano ko ngayon ieexplain kay Alexander kung bakit ako tumakbo?
Natatakot tuloy ako, anong gagawin ko?
Anong sasabihin ko sa kanya? Malalaman niya agad kapag nagsinunganling ako, wala naman kasi akong maisasagot din.
Ang alam ko lang ay takot ako na makita siya at tanungin kung bakit nga ba niya yun sinabi sa'kin, natatakot ako na baka may mabuo ulet sa dibdib ko, pero wala namang mabubuo dahil matagal na 'kong nakamove on, 'di ba?
"So... maybe sending me an offer to work for his agency is another way for him to make it up to me?"
"Ha? Offer?"
"Di mo alam? Magkaibigan kayo 'di ba?"
"Yes but we're not business partners, we're rival agencies, remember?"
I received an offer in my Instagram DMs, it was from the official CARDOZA Angels account.
They seemed pretty serious with the offer, they really want me to work with them, but it's odd how they sent me that offer on the same day that Alexander and I met again.
Huh, weird. Siguro may kinalaman siya doon, he did this because he wanted to apologize to me, maybe that's it.
But it's stupid. I know my influence, but if he's only doing this to apologize to me, it's not gonna happen. Unless they have an actual reason kung bakit gusto nila ako, then maybe I'll think about it.
"Wait--they offered you to work with them after your contract with me?" tumango ako sa sinabi niya, mas lalo lang siyang natawa hanggang sa punto na pinagtinginan kami ng mga empleyado sa tabi lang.
"Yup."
"Oh shit!"
"Hm?"
Parang may bigla yatang may naalala si Silas dahil sa sinabi ko. Baka nasabi niya kay Alexander kung kailan yung end ng kontrata ko sa kanya, I have like a two or three more weeks before the end of my contract at talagang minessage nila agad ako.
How weird is that?
It's like they've been waiting for the right time, ewan ko ba, ang dami ko pa ngang iniisip pero e'to nadagdagan lang tuloy yung problema ko.
'Di naman sa problema yung offer ng Cardoza Angels, the timing is off, I don't like it, something just doesn't feel right to me.
Tsaka kapag napagdesisyunan ko na maging modelo ng Cardoza Angels, Alexander will be boss and that is awkward.
But again, I'm a professional.
Business is business and not a personal thing, kailangan ko 'tong tingnan at pag-isipan ng mabuti.
E'to namang magaling kong boss parang wala ring pake kung magtrabaho ako sa ibang agency kaysa yung sa kanya ulet.
"So what? Tawa ka lang? Wala kang pake sa'kin?"
"Of course may pake ako, pero sa huli, sa'yo pa rin ang desisyon, Katerina. And besides, if you do agree to work for my agency again, that means I'll have to fight for you."
"Fight? Why fight?"
"Di mo yata naiintindihan ang value mo kay Alexander, huh? He would fight me if you chose to work with me, you know him--"
"Teka nga lang, bakit siya nanaman?"
Silas sighed, ngumiti siya ulet at inayos ang bangs ko, inayos niya rin yung kwelyo ng suot-suot kong damit.
"Katerina... my good friend..."
"Hoy, ano ba?"
"When will you finally wake up?"
I hated Silas before, 'di ako mahilig sa mga playboys o fuckboys, pero naging magkaibigan agad kami, ang bilis lang din.
I was able to bring out a side of myself in front of him that I've never shown other people before.
Nung nalaman niya na may gusto ako kay Alexander, obvious lang daw kasi yung mga mata ko kay Alexander lang daw nakatutok.
I remembered when he told me to be careful dahil pag-ibig daw ang susunod, doon din daw ako papunta sa nararamdaman ko para kay Alexander.
He never told anyone, he kept it a secret, doon ko siya nakita bilang kaibigan talaga.
'Di pa naman kasi ako handa na sabihin kanila Yael, Jaxon, o kahit kay Ryland ang katotohanan na mahal ko si Alexander noon, I think may alam yata si Ryland pero ewan ko ba.
At kahit na kaibigan ko si Silas, 'di ko pa rin maintindihan kung anong ibig niyang sabihin kanina, kung kailan daw ako gigising, gising naman ako ah?
Alam ko kung anong ibig niyang sabihin, it's about Alexander again.
At ayoko nang umasa, nakakabwisit na yun, ilang beses din ako umasa at tingnan mo naman kung anong naging ending ko, nasaktan ako nang husto.
Nagising talaga ako, nagising ako na ayoko nang maghintay kasi alam ko na, alam ko na na walang pupuntahan ang nararamdaman ko para kay Alexander, na hanggang sa huli ay hindi niya 'ko mamahalin.
That's why he kissed that girl, right?
He was feeling it too, I guess he liked the way she held him and kissed him, he enjoyed it, he totally did.
"Gaga..."
'Di ko napigilan ang sarili kong maiyak habang pinapakinggan yung kanta na pinapatugtog ng taxi driver.
Bakit ba kasi binabalikan ko pa yung nakaraan?
Naaalala ko pa nung mga ilang araw na ang nakalipas after ko nakita yun, ang dami kong pinagdaanan, ilang beses akong umiyak sa harap ni Genevieve pero 'di ko pa rin sinabi sa kanya kung anong nangyari.
Me and Alexander talked, I didn't cry, I kept a straight face and I just listened to his numerous apologies, he even begged one time to forgive him.
Yun nga eh, kahit ilang beses niya 'kong saktan parang papatawarin ko pa rin siya kasi gano'n ko siya kamahal, pero e'to lang talaga yung unang beses na grabe ang ginawa niya, na sinaktan niya 'ko nang husto.
Ngumiti lang din ako sa kanya na parang tanga, I said that he will always be my friend and that I was just shocked.
But fuck, I wasn't shocked, I woke up because of the reality, I fell in love and got nothing but pain, it was fucking terrible.
"Okay ka lang po, ma'am?" tanong ng manong driver, napansin niya yata yung mga luha ko na tumutulo mula sa mata ko.
It was too painful.
Tangina naman.
"O-Opo... pasensya na... ang sakit kasi ng kanta, hahaha..."
Tangina ka talaga, Katerina.
Okay naman na 'ko, alam kong okay na 'ko pero bakit nga ba hanggang ngayon ang sakit pa rin sa tuwing naaalala ko yung nakaraan?
I was miserable, I was so fucking miserable and it's all because of a boy I truly loved with all of my heart.
Wala naman din akong karapatan na isigaw sa kanya na wag na lang siyang maghanap ng iba, kasi nga walang kami, at hindi niya 'ko mahal.
Napaupo ako sa sahig pagpasok ko pa lang sa apartment ko, doon ko inalabas ang lahat lahat na sakit, sa loob ng apartment ko ulet.
I'm sure of it, na nakamove on na 'ko, ang sakit lang talaga nung nakaraan, dapat nga natatawa na lang ako sa nakaraan, kaya bakit hanggang ngayon 'di ko nakakayang tumawa at umiiyak pa rin ako?
No, it can't be. I can't be in love with him again. I can't, I just can't! I'm stupid! I'm crazy! I'm so fucking stupid if I'm still in love with Alexander.
Hope is a dangerous thing, Silas. So don't make me hope again, and even you, Alexander... just don't.
"Hoy, problema mo?" nagising ako sa realidad ng makita ko si Genevieve sa may gilid ng bukas na pinto ng apartment ko.
I almost forgot na bibisita pala siya, no... nakalimutan ko lang talaga.
Ang dami kasing nangyayari na nakalimutan ko ang matalik kong kaibigan.
Shit, hindi ko pwedeng ipakita sa kanya na umiiyak ulet ako. Tumakbo ako sa kwarto ko at isinuot ang salamin ko, pinapasok ko siya habang may dala-dala siyang mga pagkain, puro rin siya sa McDonalds.
"Pagod lang ako..." pagsinungaling ko naman sa kanya.
Sinarado ko ang pinto at umupo kami sa lamesa malapit lang sa may kusina. We set up the table and prepared some tissues, forks, and then some extra plates.
"How was work?"
"Hm, okay lang... Silas is Silas, and..."
'Di ko alam kung gusto ko bang sabihin sa kanya kung anong nangyari sa'ming dalawa ni Alexander, but it's okay to mention the part that the Cardoza Angels sent me a message in Instagram, it's also part of work, right?
"I got a message from Cardoza Angels..."
"What?" tuwang-tuwa naman siya sa sinabi ko, umupo pa siya sa tabi ko at niyakap pa 'ko nang mahigpit.
"You're going to become an angel? That's amazing!"
"Right..."
I forgot about it. Cardoza Angels is a an agency built by the Cardoza family, halos lahat ng mga modelo nila ay kilalang-kilala sa buong mundo at hindi lang sa Pilipinas, may mga modelo na galing sa Pilipinas na naging model sa Victoria's Secret runaway show.
Every woman probably dreamt of becoming a Cardoza Angel at least once in their life.Ganun din naman ako, 'di ko lang ineexpect na dadating ang panahon na bibigyan ako ng opportunity na maging anghel nila.
I never really told Alexander about it, nakalimutan ko lang naman din.
"Tatanggapin mo ba?"
"I'm thinking about it."
"Bakit? Oh no, may problema nanaman ba kayo ni Alexander?"
Feeling ko nandito si Silas kahit wala naman siya dito, kahit si Genevieve talaga yan ang iniisip?
'Di ba pwedeng may iba akong gawain sa buhay at mas gugustuhin ko munang tapusin yung sinusulat ko bago ko isipin 'tong offer ng Cardoza Angels?
Si Alexander talaga? I swear, she knows way too many things about me. Pero pag dating kay Alexander para bang 'di ko rin siya maintindihan.
"No..."
"Tsk, so you do have an issue with Alexander..."
"Ha? Anong pinagsasabi mo?"
Nung nasaktan ako noon, 'di ko talaga sinabi kay Genevieve yung nangyari, ang alam niya lang na nasaktan ako nang husto, natatakot ako sa kung anong gawin ni Genevieve kay Alexander kapag nalaman niya ang katotohanan.
"Ganun naman kayo lagi."
"Anong lagi? I don't understand..."
Nilamon ko na lang yung manok, kung ano-ano namang pinagsasabi ni Genevieve, baka pagod lang kasi siya sa trabaho niya.
"You guys always fight, and you look like you don't care anyway but he does... haha..." tawa niya.
"It's funny, it's fun to see him miserable."
Nevermind, kahit 'di niya alam yung nangyari parang may galit pa rin siya kay Alexander dahil sa mga iyak ko noon, I look like a mess when I was crying my heart out at Genevieve, it was a lot.
"Don't say that, Genevieve. That's not nice." tawa rin ako.
"Kung alam mo lang ang pinagdaanan ko sa lalaking yun sa tuwing may meeting ako kasama siya o yung time na katabi ko siya sa party, shit! Bwisit na bwisit ako sa kanya."
I don't know, ewan ko na sa kanila. Kung ganito na nga siya kagalit kay Alexander, paano pa kaya kapag sinabi ko sa kanya yung nangyari, e 'di bugbugan na ang ending no'n?
"But you guys are business partners, just calm down, be professional..."
"Alam ko na, alam ko, Rina!"
And this is why I really can't tell you the truth, Genevieve. I'm not ready, tsaka ayoko ring mag-away kayong dalawa ni Alexander dahil lang doon.
This is my own battle, and I can't believe na 'di pa rin yun natatapos.
Meron pa 'kong novel na kailangang tapusin, I still have some photoshoots left before the end of my contract with Silas, and now this thing with Alexander and the message from Cardoza Angels.
Ha, I'm so tired, I'm so exhausted with everything right now. Salamat talaga kay Genevieve na nagdala siya ng McDo o kanina pa 'ko umiiyak dahil sa lahat lahat talaga, well it's more because of Alexander.
Pagkatapos na'ming kumain, umuwi na si Genevieve, overtime nanaman daw siya sa trabaho niya para kay Quinten.
She's been trying so hard to work for him and their family, I heard na baka may bago nanaman silang negosyo sa Maynila o sa may Baclaran ba yun.
Ang dami rin nang nakain ko, busog na busog ako, oh well, maybe 'di na 'ko kakain nang almusal bukas.
Tinali ko ang buhok ko in a messy bun at binuksan ang mga dalawa o tatlong butones sa dress shirt na suot-suot ko.
Binuksan ko ang pinto sa may terrace at pumasok ako roon habang dala-dala ko ang sigarilyo at lighter ko.
Wow, this is refreshing. Medyo mahangin ngayong gabi, a perfect night for me to at least calm myself before tomorrow.
Sayang nga lang at 'di ako nakabili nang red wine, it can help me sleep peacefully but it's not here right now.
Next time, I'll buy a lot of liquor to fill up my refrigerator again, maganda rin na bumili nang mga pagkain na pwedeng lutuin na hindi ko pa naluluto noon, I need to do something with my diet.
"Hmm..."
This is a good cigarette, it's been weeks since the last time I've smoked, and I feel much better.
So much better.
At least walang nanggugulo, bakit nga ba ulet ako umiyak kanina? Nabaliw yata ako, this is what I need, I feel much better now.
I should manifest and meditate before I sleep tonight, baka makatulong sa'kin para bukas.
I need to have a healthy mind, healthy body, and heal--
"Rina?"
No, no... healthy body and healthy mind, that's it. See? God is testing me right now to check if I'm better now or not.
"Katerina?"
May problema yata ang utak ko, 'di rin nakakatulong 'tong tenga ko, kung ano-ano na ang naririnig.
"Kater--"
"Who the fuck--"
Nabwisit ako at napatingin ako sa taong tinatawag yung pangalan ko sa may tabing terrace lang ng terrace ko, 'di ko natapos ang sasabihin ko nang makita ko kung sino yung nakatayo at nakatingin sa'kin sa katabi ko lang na terrace.
It was fucking Alexander. What the actual fuck?
Ang laki pa ng ngiti niya, half-naked pa ang bwisit, magulo rin ang buhok niya. You know what, it doesn't even matter what he looks like right now.
What matters is what the fuck is he doing here?
"Alexander?"
"Katerina, you're here!" tawa niya.
Oh my god. Oh my god!
"Who would've thought that we're neighbors, isn't this great?"
Whoever told him that this was great, he must be out of his fucking mind.
Because there is no way this is 'great' to me.
Something tells me that I'm not gonna have a good day tomorrow, that not even smoking or manifesting won't work for me at all.