Three days pass. We're still in one room. And we're passing by each other in silence. Every time I want to talk to him, I can't bring myself to. For what I did and said. My throat twists until I'm walking in the other direction. When I smoke, he doesn't. When I'm on the bed, he spends an hour in the bathroom. He goes to sleep before or after me. Like he's accepted what I told him - we can't do anything about it, because three years ago I chose Yoongi.
I don't know if I deserve him after all of this. I can't move through the guilt yet. Not only for this decision, but for each and every one of them in the past three years. I kept hurting him, unintentionally, because I was convinced Yoongi was the victim, and he still loved me through it.
I shouldn't do it, I text Taehyung for the fourth time.
Don't get in your head trying to explain both sides by yourself. Talk to him, he texts back, for the fourth time.
On Sunday night, we end up in bed at the same time, awake, watching Spiderman. That's all we do. I try to talk, I prepare the entire speech in my head three times, each seemingly worse than the previous version. Before I get to be brave, he's asleep. I use the built-up confidence to hold his hand for a moment. It's so much better than what was between us before. No one amounts to him, honestly. Definitely not Yoongi. I'm glad it all worked out for him, but I can't help a bit of regret he's not a part of my band.
Monday. Last practice before the Rock Out on Wednesday.
Like the schedule doesn't exist anymore, we go to practice at 10. Sound of Selene at 11. And we're all stuck in the room together. I can't find it in myself to fight, so I agree to whatever practice hours they want. I don't really care about it anymore. The idea of Rock Out was more exciting when I actually convinced myself I don't like Jungkook and want to be away from him for a whole year.
If we lose, I don't know how I'm going to go back home. Everything could be the same, or everything could change. I can go back to my lonely life, desperately chasing control and power. Hook ups, slumber parties. Because that's why I do them. I feel powerless with feelings, with giving and taking, so I try to distribute it myself, how I want it to be. And it's a bunch of shit.
I don't want it anymore. I'm tired of what I thought to be love. I know friendly love, even if I've never paid too much attention to it. That too I regret. If I've put more focus on Taehyung, and the fact that we have always loved each other like siblings, and less focus on the give and take crap I've created in my head, I'd know that love is a bunch of things you do, but not that crap I thought. Not only holding hands and kissing. It's about acts, but also words, and presence, and feelings. Of trust, joy, acceptance. Love isn't only romantic, either. And just because two people, out of seven billion in the world, didn't love me well, doesn't mean no one could.
Today, I tune out everything that isn't our performance for the sake of my inner peace.
"Do we have everything settled?" I ask, going through the note on my phone. "Performances, outfits, Plan C, Blood and Bones and Taehyung's solo." A sheet of paper slides in front of me. I look up at Yoongi. "What is it?"
"I told you we're not gonna play that second song." He thrusts what I suppose is a new song into my face. "We'll do this one instead."
"You're fucking crazy." I scoff. "We've got two days. How the fuck we're supposed to learn a song in two days when we practiced two for months?"
"I don't give a fuck, Luna. This is what we're gonna play," he says. The room is silent again, everyone watching. Of course they are.
I blink. "No. No, for fuck's sake, no. I told you this song is important to me, and we are playing it."
"It's not for me and I'm not going to play it." He pushes the song into my hands. I take it, crumble and throw to the floor.
"I'm the leader," I say. "Your opinion on that song doesn't matter to me." I can't stop myself anymore. "What? Are you scared people will see you supporting queer people? Is it the problem?"
"Would you shut up?" he grinds out.
I don't think I can wait until Rock Out. I don't fucking care about it, about what happens to the band, to me. I need to stop supporting what's wrong. "So all this fucking time Jungkook was telling the truth and you were fucking lying. He didn't ruin your life, you ruined his. You're manipulative, homophobic, and you blackmailed me into dating you."
Everyone is around now. Jimin, Namjoon, Jungkook, Taehyung. Like they are all ready to get into a fight. Like they know one is about to happen.
"You never cared about me. About Taehyung. About our band. You care about yourself. You're a selfish, fucking-"
His expression keeps darkening, until he raises his arm and swings it back. He raises his arm to hit me. I freeze as I am, with my eyes open wide, unable to even protect myself. Because this is that one thing I'd never expect from him. Or maybe I expected it, but pretended I don't.
The strike never comes. Jungkook who lingered right by my side like he knew exactly what was to come, grabs Yoongi's writs and holds it back. I barely remember to breath, dragging my gaze to him. He looks... terrified. And furious. His grip on Yoongi's wrist so tight he might break his bones.
Everyone gets involved within a second. Taehyung stands in front of me, hiding me from Yoongi. Jimin and Namjoon stay close to Jungkook.
The only thing I can hear is when Jungkook says, "You could have done this to me a hundred times, but you'll never do it to her." Every word is shaky, and I feel dizzy. It hits me all together.
No one moves. I lock eyes with Jungkook after he pushes Yoongi away. It's one second of everything – compassion and pain and apology and fear – and he runs out of the room. Before I can decide, my legs are moving, and I run behind him.
"Jungkook!"
He stops in the middle of the hall and turns around. His gaze is heavy. Even if I haven't known him before I met Yoongi, I feeling like I've betrayed him through all of the years of my friendship with Yoongi.
"Tell me the truth," I say. I can't keep on piecing everything together. "Why did you say that? What happened between you?"
He looks away for a second, sucking in a sharp breath.
"If... if you want to," I add, crumbling. "You don't have to if you don't want to."
When he looks back at me, the heaviness is gone. The light in his eyes dims. "I was the leader of this stupid band, but he wanted everything to be his way. Music, lyrics, performances, name, recording, positions in the band. In the last two years of the band, when I wouldn't agree to something, he'd manipulate me into it. Emotionally, mostly. Sometimes he'd beat me up, if I didn't want to give in easily. When the other members of the band would ask me what happened, he'd tell them I got into a fight with some assholes on the street. He controlled me for a year, abused, manipulated, until everything was like he wanted it to be. I couldn't break free from him. I kept protecting him, from myself, until I broke. That's all he cares about. Himself. Whatever crap he told you about his feelings, he's doing this because he will benefit from it. And from being in your band. And from every single thing he gets into."
"I'm sorry," I say. Nothing else can make it through my throat.
I'm sorry for not believing him.
I'm sorry for making a bad guy out of him for so long.
I'm sorry for being on Yoongi's side all this time.
I'm sorry he went through it.
I'm sorry he never really got rid of Yoongi, because our bands were always together.
"I wanted to tell you all this time, but I didn't know if he's actually like that or just towards me. I didn't know how to talk about it," Jungkook says. "I was scared he'll hurt you when you get too close to him. I saw the messages he sent you on the first day. I tried to show you, I tried to make him show how he really is. I hoped you'd at least question him, because I was sure you wouldn't believe me. I was... I was worried about you, and worried I'd be wrong and you'd hate me more."
There's this stupid distance between us.
"I never hated you," I choke out. "It was all that... stupid promise. He convinced us you're the bad guy. We believed him."
"It's okay." He lets out a sad chuckle. "That's what he does. I can't blame you."
"I wouldn't resist it for so long if it wasn't for him," I say.
"Resist what?" he asks.
"Falling in love with you."
Jungkook presses his lips together, tearing up, and shakes his head. "Don't do this to yourself."
"What?" I ask, feeling nauseous.
"If he became like this, I can become like this, too. Everyone is evil at the core. Everyone, sooner or later, shows it," he says.
"Not everyone has to turn out like this." I take a step closer, he's too far.
"But I can. My life has always been full of people like this. My father... my father started drinking and started showing the worst of him. He's the reason why my mom took her life. My dad hurt my mom for years. He destroyed her life. If I wanna be a rockstar like him, it comes with a price."
"It doesn't have to," I say desperately, as he tries to pull back.
"But it might. And when it happens, I don't want you to be dealing with that. I don't want you to be in pain because of me," he says.
I reach for his arm, but he steps back.
"Now you're gonna run away?" I ask, my hand still up, heart aching. "Because you're scared? You said you love me."
"I do," he says. "That's why I'm going to leave."
He walks away. Down the hall, to the elevator, and leaves. And it's my fault. We'd never been here if I hadn't chose Yoongi three years ago.
When I hold the door handle, I'm empty, but when I push the door open, and my eyes meet Yoongi, all the emptiness is filled with anger. Anger, resentment, hate, fucking rage. Something I've felt maybe a couple times in my life. I get mad, I get frustrated, but it's rarely the painful anger burning from years of being deceived and used.
And it makes me feel wild. I walk across the room, brush Taehyung's arm away when he tries to stop me and push Yoongi back. Once, twice. "What? What, you little bitch? You still think I'm going to let you do your shit?"
"Luna-" He holds my wrist, trying to act all nice, but I pull my hand back and push him once more, harder. He stumbles back. I want to be violent, and nothing will stop me.
"No fucking Luna. You don't even know my fucking name, Yoongi. You don't know shit about me," I say. "Was it fun? To lie to us all this time? It was all bullshit. Everything!"
"Not every-"
"Shut up! Shut the fuck up! You lied about you and Jungkook. You were fucking hurting him and you made me believe he's the bad guy. You made me fucking believe- fuck you!" I swing my arm, but before I can hit him, he pushes me back.
I snap and throw myself at him, swinging my arms until I get at least one slap in. When Taehyung pulls me back, my throat burns.
"You lied to us, you used me, you hurt me, you hurt Taehyung, you blackmailed me into fucking dating you! For fuck's sake, why?!"
"Hyo," he says, making my stomach flip.
"What? What the fuck are you talking about?" I ask, all this burning in my body suddenly feeling like ice.
"I met her in a club a while ago. She said if I manage to get you to go out with me, she'll go out with me," he says, not a hint of guilt in his voice. Of regret. Nothing. He's just stating facts. Yes, Luna, I played with you because I want your ex girlfriend.
"Did you meet her while we were here?" I ask, almost breathless.
"Of course."
He says it with so much ease, like I was stupid to think he wouldn't.
"I'm going to fucking kill you and not feel an ounce of remorse," I say, everything in me shaking. I've never felt so much pain, I've never been so furious. I feel humiliated. "Let me go, Taehyung. Let me go." He doesn't and I'm not strong enough now to fight him. "You're fired from my band, Min Yoongi. Don't ever fucking show your face to me. How do you still have the fucking audacity to stand in this room? You... fucking piece of shit, get the fuck out of here!"
"You're going to regret this."
"You are going to regret not taking your ass out the door right now," Taehyung says. "Don't fucking pull your shit on us again. We're not that stupid to fucking believe you."
Yoongi scoffs. "Yet you kept me in your band for three yours. Called me your friend. Treated me like one."
Taehyung lets me go, letting me know I'm free to do whatever I want. It's both of us striding across the room, until Yoongi runs outside.
Min Yoongi leaves the room. The band. My life. Whoever he's even been to me. He's never been my friend. He's been a liar, doing all of this because he had a business in it. In joining my band, in becoming my friend, in confessing his 'feelings' to me.
"We'll go find Jungkook," Jimin says, pulling Namjoon outside.
When the door closes behind them, and we're left alone, Taehyung twirls me, wrapping his arms around me tight. I'm grateful, because all I need now is to feel someone is here with me. I'm not alone.
"How could I ever take him into our band, Taehyung?" I cry. This was nothing but disrespectful to the band, to us, to myself. "And now we don't have a fucking guitarist, and fucking Rock Out is in two days, for fuck's sake. And Hyo, fucking Hyo. How could he fucking- fucking do this? And Jungkook, he was treating him like shit and I fucking supported this. Taehyung, I can't- I can't-"
I burst into sobs, unable to say another word, and for as long as I can't calm down, he just runs his palm up and down my back.
"We've got each other," he mumbles, and the only thing that makes me feel better is how relieved he sounds. "What if we won Rock Out and had to go on a yearly tour with him? We'd not enjoy a second of it, it was worth it. And nothing of it is your fault, Lulu. We couldn't know at the beginning that this would happen. You couldn't know the truth about him and Jungkook. We didn't know any better, but it's alright."
Even though I have finally made a good decision, it's over, it's done, and I can't deal with it. I feel like grieving those three years, and like beating myself up over my decisions. I'll be better, I'll forgive myself and I'll fix as much as I can, but not now. Now I need to feel stupid and hurt, and regret what I've done.
"I'm sorry," I say, taking a step back to breath. I'm gonna suffocate if I have my face in his shoulders any longer. "I should have done something about it way back, when you first told me you and him don't get along."
"I don't want your apologies, Lulu." Taehyung drops his hands on my shoulder, leaning forward to be on my level. "I chose to put up an act for the band, for us. You didn't hurt me. And I'm alright. And I'm glad you did it, not because of myself, but because of you. You'll be better off without him."
I nod, swallowing hard, my throat dry and aching. "What am I supposed to do with Jungkook now? I... fucked up so badly, fuck." So that I don't cry all over again, I rub the corners on my eyes.
I don't think I've ever cried this much. Last time might have been three years ago, when the shit with Hyo and Juno went down at the same time. A break-up, almost losing the band, almost ending my life. Even that didn't hurt as much as it hurts now.
"Come on," Taehyung says. "You need a break. Let's use today for it. We'll stay in my room and we'll figure out everything tomorrow."
"Okay. We can do it,"
Gathering our things, we turn off the lights and lock the room. When the elevator door closes, I drop my head onto his shoulder. He leans his head on top of mine.
"It's just us again," I say.
"The core of Cat Crashed The Party," Taehyung adds, and I can't help smiling.
We've always been close, supportive and protective, but the recent months, where my paranoia about Yoongi and him asking me the most feared question spiked, I've been so in my head I kept many things from Taehyung. The mess in my head made is hardly possible to voice it out.
"We should talk today," I say.
"About?"
"Many things," I say. "I've been a lot in my head for a while and I feel like I'm keeping secrets from you. I don't like it."
The elevator pings and slides open. "Alright," he says, as we stride outside. "We'll talk it all out today."
"I have to fill you up on the last month," I say. "A lot happened in my room."
Taehyung smiles as he says, "Same."
We're going to be free. Even if everything feels like the end of the world, this time I'll make sure we're better than ever.
And I will make sure Jungkook doesn't walk away.