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*𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘢 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘮.*
I WAS fourteen, soon to turn fifteen, when I attempted suicide. It took nearly dying for my parents to notice there was something that was off with me. To care.
Obviously, I failed. Some days I was grateful for that, other days I wasn't. My near-death was what pushed me into therapy. Pushed my parents to deal with whatever was going on with me.
No one had found me or anything. I'd panicked and called 911, crying into the phone that I regretted it. They sent an ambulance to my house promptly after. I was home alone so my family didn't find out until a nurse called them. When they rushed into the hospital with a hysteric Avi, I broke down and told them everything. The months of self-harm and years of feeling like this.
Avi had cried so much that I almost had to console him even if I was the one in the hospital bed. I hadn't ever seen him cry that much. Zora's reaction was similar. She'd held me for hours with tears flowing down her cheeks, refusing to let go.
That day and the aftermath of it haunted me constantly almost three years later. When I couldn't sleep, it dug its way into my thoughts, making me toss and turn for hours. It had been over a year since I last self-harmed, but the memories taunted me every night.
When they deemed I was healthy enough to not kill myself anymore, my parents took me out of therapy. The issue of my depression and anxiety had barely been brought up since. I was pretty certain my parents believed I was cured now or something. They didn't realize the anxiety still clawed at me and the depression always lingered. If I was okay enough to function, it didn't matter how I felt on the inside. That automatically meant I was doing great.
I didn't tell them, though. So maybe I only had myself to blame.
Repressing the memories, I leaned my forehead against the car window and watched the streets pass by until school was in view. It made me sick to my stomach thinking about going today, but I had to. Getting my grades up was a must.
A hand seized my wrist before I could open the car door. I turned my head to give Avi a questioning, agitated look.
"Can you please stop ignoring me? I apologized, didn't I?"
"Let go of me. This is like the worst possible time to discuss this. I need to get to class."
"I hate how distant we've become."
My chest tightened. "Later, Avi."
I yanked my wrist out of his grip and exited the car. Zora was standing in front of me, giving me a jump scare at her sudden appearance.
"I saw your car pulling into the parking lot on my way in," she explained as if sensing I was wondering. "I'm glad you're at school today. It's fucking hell without you."
That elicited a small smile from me. It quickly dropped when her eyes shifted to beside me as she gave Avi a wave. He greeted her and went to find his friends. Zora filled me up on everything that had happened yesterday as we entered the school building.
"Noah approached me."
My head turned so fast that it gave me a sudden neck spasm. I winced and rubbed at the spot.
"What happened?"
"He apologized for any stupid things he may have said while he was drunk and asked for a second chance. Even asked me to homecoming next Friday."
I made a confused face. "Homecoming is next Friday already?"
She laughed. "Yeah. How could you forget?"
"I haven't attended homecoming since freshman year. It slipped my mind. Anyway, that doesn't matter. What'd you say? Was he being pushy again?"
Unlike me, Avi never missed a school dance. He always had a date as well. I didn't know who he was bringing this year, though.
"I said no, but he handled it fine. I just wanted to mention it since I forgot to yesterday."
"Oh, okay."
A beat, then;
"So, do you want to watch Avi's practice today? We haven't yet this season and I don't know, maybe it's the push you need to talk to him more again. I mean, basketball is his thing and I know it means a lot to him when you come to his practices and games."
The season had recently begun, so it wasn't like it had been months. I didn't feel like going but Zora seemed so excited about it, I couldn't help but agree.
We talked a little more before we had to part ways. Now all that was left to do was survive the school day.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
While I had thought about banging my head against a wall approximately ten times a minute, I hadn't acted on it. That was a success for me. A small one, but alas, a success nonetheless. The urge had gotten much stronger during Math, yet I managed to not have an anxiety attack. Even as the lesson came to an end and I had to approach my teacher. My heart thrummed loudly and I shoved my trembling hands into my pockets.
"Hey, Mrs. Leigh," I said, my throat feeling dry.
She glanced up from the stack of papers she was organizing, a polite smile spreading on her face. Suffocating the anxiety, I forced myself to get out the words I'd been practicing in my head the entire day.
"I'd like to take you up on the offer you presented me the other day. The one about a tutor."
Holding my breath, I hoped she wouldn't notice my fiddling fingers and shaky voice. A plethora of creative scenarios of her reaction had run through my brain, even if I knew only a few of them were realistic.
"That's great, Naya. I think I have the perfect person for you. I'll have a chat with him. Would you be okay with staying after the lesson is finished tomorrow so I can introduce you to him?"
At first, all I did was nod, until I realized responding with words was probably a good idea.
"Of course. Thank you, Mrs. Leigh."
As I stepped out of the classroom, I almost went to the parking lot. It wasn't until I recalled my interaction with Zora earlier about watching Avi practice, that I changed directions to the gym.
Despite wanting nothing more than to slump down on my bed, eat chips, and cry, I had promised Zora that I'd show up. So show up I would.
When I made it to where they had their practice, I noticed Zora already sitting on the bleachers. Practice had apparently not yet started because she was chatting with Avi. Breathing deeply, I walked up the bleachers and plopped down next to Zora. My appearance made them halt their conversation and acknowledge me.
"Oh, hi, Naya," Zora greeted.
It almost felt like I'd intruded on something private. The thought made me shift in my seat uncomfortably. My brother smiled at me and then jogged down to join his teammates. Practice was about to start.
"So, what were you two talking about?"
She shrugged. "Oh, nothing special. Just things."
That was weirdly secretive. I didn't mention it and watched as the coach started the practice by making them run around the gym. Avi was leading them. He was definitely made to be a captain.
My gaze fixated on Zora. Hers was focused on the sweaty boys running around. I tried to see what she saw in men. Zora wasn't shy with expressing when she was attracted to someone and she'd mentioned that the basketball boys were hot on more than one occasion.
Enzo pulled up the hem of his shirt, wiping away some sweat with it and in turn revealing a hint of his stomach. He was glistening with sweat, they all were. I tried, but I couldn't find myself attracted to him or any of them. Maybe because I was into Zora, or just because I wasn't into boys at all. That was a scary idea. It was one thing liking girls, but not liking boys was terrifying.
I zeroed in on Zora again. The light made her darker skin almost glow, highlighting her features. She nibbled on her lower lip, tongue darting out to wet them and shamefully drawing my attention there. It was a habit she often did when she was in deep concentration. Most commonly when she was looking at someone she found attractive. I wondered what it would be like to have her look at me like that. What it would be like to have those lips pressed against mine.
Her gaze shifted to me and I quickly looked away, hoping she hadn't caught me staring. My brown skin hopefully hid my flushed cheeks.
"Naya?"
"Huh?"
"I asked if you were okay," she told me. I hadn't even realized she'd been talking.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Why?"
"Just wondering."
For the rest of practice, we didn't converse much. Only some words tossed between us here and there. As practice came to an end, the guys ran into the changing room, eager to shower and put on clean clothes.
We stayed behind to wait for my brother. Not long went by until I saw someone come out of the changing rooms. I thought it might be him, but quickly realized it was Enzo. He raked a hand through a mop of dark, wet hair before spotting us.
He strode in our direction, stopping when he was right before us. "Hi, Naya, Zora."
"Hey," I said, sounding awkward as per usual.
"So, I'm not going to beat around the bush." He took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair again. "Do you want to go to homecoming with me, Naya? I know this might be a little out of the blue but I think you're cute so I thought, hey, no harm in asking, right?"
I blinked, not having expected that. In retrospect, he had asked if we had a homecoming date, so maybe that had been a hint. Then again, I'd forgotten all about that and homecoming quickly, meaning it hadn't crossed my mind.
"Oh," was all that came out of me. I was panicking on the inside as I glanced between Zora and Enzo. "Uhm, I don't know. I wasn't planning on going. Sorry?"
"It's okay. A date, then?"
"I'll think about it?" The words came out more questioning than I'd intended.
He nodded. "I'll take that. How about I give you my number and we can text about it?"
At least I didn't have to lie myself out of this one. My next words were, sadly, true. "I don't have a phone right now. I'm grounded."
"Oh, okay. Well, I'll catch you in the halls sometime."
My anxiety was through the roof right now. I wanted to be anywhere but here right now. "Uh, yeah, sure."
He glanced to the side and whatever he saw made him say a hasty goodbye and rush out of there. Trying to figure out what had him in a hurry, I saw my brother along with some of his teammates come out.
My brother laughed and said something to his friends, then patted them on the back and made his way over to us.
"Ready to head home?" He asked me.
Remembering Zora's words about this being the push I needed to put my frustration with him aside, I nodded.
"We can drop you off on the way if you want, Zora," Avi said.
"Sure, yeah."
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
After Zora was gone, the car ride was silent, save for the radio music. I wasn't sure what to say and apparently neither did my twin. When we were home, I went to my room and Avi went to his. Before I could enter, though, he spoke.
"Thank you for showing up to practice today."
"Yeah." I didn't say more than that, stepping into my room.
The heavy burden of the day came crashing onto me the second I was alone. All the forced smiles and laughter weighed on me. The good thing about finally being alone was that I could drop the pretense. However, it also left me alone with my thoughts. The last two days, the flashbacks from that day three years ago had been worse than usual.
While I sometimes lacked sympathy for my present self, my heart burned for that young girl. The young girl who hated herself so much she couldn't stand the pain anymore. That girl who didn't feel like she fit in, who felt like life wouldn't get better, like no one cared and she would never be enough.
I lived for her. My younger self. If I couldn't live for my present now, then I could at least hold onto hope for her. I was young and so scared as I picked up that phone with my trembling hand and begged them to help me. It hadn't hit me until I'd already done it that this was a truly permanent decision. I didn't want to live, yet the thought of dying was petrifying.
When the urge became strong again, I made myself remember that version of me. The fear, the hopelessness, the pain. I couldn't do that to her. I just couldn't.
The room was still the same. The wood flooring where I'd cradled my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth hadn't changed. The white and blueish-gray walls holding years of memories remained untouched. The same bed I'd had and sobbed in countless times over the past 5 years was no different. Decorations and some furniture were all that set the room apart. There was no proof of anything that had happened here.
Part of me wanted there to be something to show for it. A hole in the wall, a scratch on some furniture, anything. To let my room speak for me so I wouldn't have to. The other part was glad there wasn't anything to show for it, not wanting a reminder whenever I was in here.
Sighing, I slumped down onto my familiar bed and despite not meaning to, fell asleep.
It wasn't until someone knocked on my door that my eyes flew open. Rubbing them and yawning, I told whoever was there to come in. Avi entered, scanning the surroundings before his eyes landed on me.
"Dinner is ready."
"Huh? Already?"
He gave me a strange look. "We've been home for hours and dinner is later than usual today." A pause. "Were you asleep?"
Another yawn escaped me. "Uhm, yeah. Apparently."
His expression turned into one of concern. "You okay?"
Ma called out for us again, not giving me time to answer. It would have been some lie I'd make up on the spot anyway. We rushed downstairs to not make Ma even more mad.
Dinner passed as it always did, with them asking Avi a bunch of questions and mostly ignoring me. I didn't have much of an appetite today even if the food was great. No one noticed I barely ate anything.
As we helped clear the table, my mom reminded me to study. I said I would and told her I was getting a tutor. She said 'good' and that was it for that conversation. If you could even call it that. I went upstairs as quickly as I could and did study like I'd told her I would. It was as frustrating as it always was, but I did feel a little proud of myself that I got up and did it.
Nothing more happened that day and soon it was Thursday, which was about as tedious as expected. Mai and Caio had started sitting together with us at lunch the past few days. So that was something noteworthy at least. Mai had asked me yesterday where I'd been Tuesday. I'd told her I wasn't feeling well. It was true, however, she probably assumed I meant physically. When she'd inquired about my lack of response I'd admitted to her I was grounded.
I liked Mai. She was funny, bold, and outgoing. Caio was a lot more withdrawn compared to her. To be fair, though, most people probably were in comparison to Mai. He wasn't necessarily shy or super quiet, just definitely more so out of the two of them. It wasn't bad, all it meant was that I'd gotten to see more of Mai than Caio during the past few days.
Math came again and as it drew to an end, my anxiety rose. I was insanely nervous to meet this tutor Mrs. Leigh had mentioned. Hopefully, he wouldn't judge me for not being particularly intelligent. Seeing as he signed up to be a tutor, I would assume he wouldn't, but you never knew.
Similarly to yesterday, Mrs. Leigh was sitting in the front. Except this time she was expecting me. She was looking at something on her phone as I approached her. I took that moment to observe her.
Mrs. Leigh was somewhere in her mid-thirties. Her platinum hair was always pinned back in a sleek bun and her blue eyes without fail never stopped feeling like they were peering into your soul. Even if she was trying to convey a soft, inviting look. Her go-to outfit was a blazer, a blouse, a pencil skirt, and heels. I wasn't sure how ones feet could survive a whole day in heels but her strength was admirable.
Her gaze met mine and she flashed a pair of pearly-white teeth. I'd admit that Mrs. Leigh was quite good-looking.
"He'll be here in about a minute," she informed me and I nodded, crossing my arms and shifting my weight onto alternating legs awkwardly.
As she'd promised, someone came into view circa one minute later.
I glanced up to see who it was and was shocked to spot Caio standing in front of me.
╔═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╗
A little bit of Naya's past has been revealed and she's getting a tutor, yay!
See you next Saturday to find out how she reacts!!
╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╝
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨!
©𝚆𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚖. 𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎𝚍