She couldn't count the hours she had spent crying in her room, she had cried to the point that her bloodshot eyes ached whenever she let a tear slipped down from them. It hurt her heart until she felt all those heart squeezes were no more. Jalilah had never thought it will turn out to this. Yes, she knew that this wasn't just a normal lie she was used to telling. This was huge, and if she had made the mistake of telling this to Uncle Yusuf, she knew Mama will only get the news of her admitted in the hospital because she knew he would make sure he had broken all the bones in her body. She had also never thought that it was a huge lie, so perfectly blown to the point that Mama wouldn't want to see or listen to her. Whatever happened, Mama had never done this to her, she knew she was wrong, and to top it all, she was even lying about being married to him.
For all the hours she had spent crying in her room, Jalilah didn't make the mistake of pondering over his words. She knew she had gotten the chance to see the kind of man he could turn into when they had their first fight, but those words he had uttered, she wasn't emotionally strong to think about them. She knew a time will come when they will be naturally getting back to her heart, but now? All she was focused on was how to make Mama forgive her. It won't be easy, but she knew she would forgive her someday.
She heard the soft sound of someone walking to her room, it was past midnight, she had an inkling feeling that it was Mama. She hadn't locked her room yet, it was surprising to hear that as much as she had missed this room, she was no more excited about sleeping in it again. The doorknob turned, which made her seized her breath, waiting for the worse. Whoever the intruder was, walked further into the room while stealthily closing the door behind. She felt as her side dipped and soft loving hands touched her back.
"Addah Jalilah," Fareeda called, ever so loving that Jalilah didn't know when she broke into even more tears. She had messed up, real bad.
She turned with tears running down her cheeks and nodded her head at Fareeda. "What are you doing here, Fareeda? You haven't slept yet?" She tried to ask, while all her strength had ended on trying to lift herself. She successfully did, resting her head on the bedhead, that was when she noticed the tray of food Fareeda was holding.
"Yes, I was waiting for Mama to sleep so I can bring something for you to eat. You've been crying in your room for hours now, you shouldn't cry, okay? Everything will fall back into place." There were times that if Fareeda spoke, Jalilah found it so hard to believe she was merely a teenager, just about to write her secondary school final examination.
"I don't think I can eat anything, Fareeda. You have no idea how I'm feeling. My heart is messed up, I'm hurt beyond words could say or repair, but I'm more hurt for hurting Mama, I want her to forgive me first." She wished she could take back her words, erase whatever she had said from Mama's brain even if that meant she would let go of ballet for the rest of her life.
"Go into the bathroom and wash your face first, please you should stop crying, Addah Jalilah." Even though it came from someone as young as Fareeda was, Jalilah had no choice but to do what she had asked of her. She pulled herself up from the bed and felt dizzy, taking herself to the toilet was one of the greatest mysteries she was yet to uncover.
After she came back, she met the bed already cleared up and Fareeda had already disposed of her used tissues. She smiled and motioned for her to sit on the bed, which she did. And she sat down beside her, "Should I feed you or you can do that yourself?" Fareeda asked.
Jalilah shook her head with a soft and loving smile. She collected the plate from her hand and placed it on her lap, asking herself whether or not if she could eat this food, but she had to try so she could show her appreciation to her baby cousin. "No, I'm your Addah, I shouldn't let you feed me." A smile was the fakest thing she could muster up at the moment, but she still tried.
Fareeda smiled and went to where Jalilah used to placed her painted canvases, they were all canvases painted with amazing designs that were so captivating. "I feel like you'd do good with painting today, what do you think?" Fareeda asked from where she stood and Jalilah stared at her for a long time, figuring if she could paint today or not.
"I'm sure my colours couldn't paint now, it's been long since I last used them. And before I left, I didn't keep them safe" She said in a voice so hoarse that it sounded frightening to her ears.
"I've bought some colours for you, wanted to give it to you on your birthday, but I know they'd be more useful now. Should I bring them out?" She asked with a smile, hoping she would be able to help with the little she had.
Giddy and seemingly excited, Jalilah nodded her head at her and she was so fast at getting out of the room. She placed down the plate back on the tray after the door successfully closed behind Fareeda and thought about the messy angle her life was taking, which she caused everything to herself. If she hadn't been hell-bent on ballet, she wouldn't have been in this mess. And if she had at least known how to lie, a subtle lie that wouldn't make such a disaster, she wouldn't have as much as she did today. Everything was hurting to the point that she wished she could take her heart off for a while and feel numb.
She was neck-deep into her thoughts when Fareeda walked back into the room with an amazing colour palette and some new brushes that Jalilah wondered where she knew of all those brushes. "Oh my god! They're so amazing, Fareeda. How did you get them? I mean, how did you think of them?"
"I joined the creative arts lesson, they were teaching us how to paint and it piqued my interest because I knew some of the things from you. I asked my teacher for the suggestion of what to buy for you, I gave him the money and he ordered these for you." Fareeda informed, happy that she had at least put a smile on her Addah's face. Mama had told her what Jalilah did, even though it was bad enough, but she always saw the best in people. She knew that Jalilah had her reasons for doing that. But she wasn't sure if she was ready to speak about it, that's why she found something that will take her mind off.
Jalilah pulled her into her chest and hugged her so tight, fighting back her tears from rolling down on her cheeks. "Thank you so much, Fareeda. This is the most helpful gift I've ever received in my life because it came just when I need it the most. I'll use them, dear, okay?"
She broke their hug and until Fareeda helped her brought everything that she would need on the bed, she bade her goodbye and closed the door for her. Jalilah knew it was either she chose to paint and have everything she had held within her heart poured out along with each stroke of her brush on the canvas, or she dwelled on it and drown more in the ocean of her pains. She chose the former and set the work. The only thing that crossed her mind was, a depressed woman holding her knees up to her chest and her head lying on them. She had her hollow eyes fixed on her heart, which had dropped down already, and it had holes all over the places. She would use those holes and write a highlight of all the pains she had ever felt in her life. The most painful ones.
She knew painting about this picture will take her weeks, if not months. Because she wanted to give it her whole, she wanted it to be the greatest art a painter had ever written. She cleared her tears and imagined the way her eyes looked when she entered the bathroom and took a glimpse of her face, it was so depressing that she didn't take a second glance. She knew her eyes would be the perfect description for her pain, and clearing a stubborn stand of tear, Jalilah failed an attempt to smile before she got to work. Painting was a therapy to her, as much as ballet was, even though now she was so weak to dance.
She didn't know how she had slept off until she woke up to the sound of the adhan for the fair prayer being proclaimed in the mosque that was adjoined with their house. She found herself amid her drawing tools and colours and that only relieved her soul. She was glad that it had taken off her mind to the extent that she had slept. She pushed the things aside and walked to the bathroom. She performed her ablution and started praying. Mama always used to wake her up for her prayers, but she knew she wouldn't do that today.
Even after she was done praying, she sat down on the prayer mat and brought her knees up, laying her head on the ness, the reality of what she was painting. Just that as much as she would breathe life to that painting, its grief would never reach hers. She was thinking about the possibility of everything. Had it been everything was normal, they had to leave to Abuja today, and by tomorrow at 5:30 in the evening, they would board their flight to Lagos. Being in Lagos meant spending two free days at Radisson blu anchorage hotel, in V.I She knew Yazeed would rather they lose that opportunity for them to have a chance of spending time together.
She had lost all hopes, she knew there would be no way she was going to Lagos with him. She either take the leap and tell Mama the truth or go back to Abuja and leave in sheer agony. She was contemplating whether to end her life by telling Mama the truth, revealing that she had lied because she wanted to go and play ballet. Or she kept silent and go back to Abuja, which she was sure she would have to commit suicide if things kept going the way they were.
A message pooped into her phone, at first she thought maybe it was Farha because she had been calling her and ask how everything went, but she wasn't in the right state of mind to answer all those questions or talk about what had happened. And she knew Farha had silently gotten that message and stopped calling. Fighting her mind off it, she lounged to her bed and picked up her phone. Damn it! It was a message from Yazeed, it was the shortest, yet, the coldest message she had ever read in her life.
'We're leaving by 9 am.' She didn't know whether she had to be happy or sad about this message. He made it clear that he was taking her along with him, but that didn't make anything better. She had to pay for what she did, she had to cry for making her mother cry. She had to feel the pain. These words he had sent to her couldn't be able to erase all those things he had said to her, which she was sure a day will come when she would have an avalanche of them. The hurt of those words, the stink, the disgust, she knew she would feel everything once she had Mama's case solved.
She stood up to her feet and walked to the bathroom, she had to take her bath and make sure she wasn't late. Because hiring a driver that will take him to the airport will be the easiest thing Yazeed would ever do. After she was done getting ready, she sat down on the edge of her bed and thought about what she would say to Mama, she wasn't even sure whether Mama wanted to see her or not, she would just have to try her luck.
She took her trolley and walked out of her room with one more glance, she wanted to take her painting along with her, but Fareeda will have it delivered to her. She went to her and after five knocks, Fareeda came out stifling a yawn. The moments he saw her all decked up with her red eyes as she tried to smile at her but failed, she knew it was time to leave. She softly hugged her and greeted, "Good morning, Addah. Leaving already?"
Jalilah nodded her head softly before she broke their hug, "Please help me wake Fareed, you're escorting me to the airport, right?" She asked, and Fareeda excitedly nodded her head before she disappeared back into her room.
Jalilah walked toward Mama's room, and with each step she had taken, she lost every courage she had mustered before she left her room. Luckily for her, it was still opened and she entered with a soft taslim on her lips, leaving her trolley outside. Mama was seated on her prayer mat and she had her rosary, making supplications. Jalilah went to where she was and knelt on her knees.
She ducked her head down and fought her tears back before she greeted her, "Good morning, Mama." An answer didn't come and she wasn't expecting one either. Her tears that she was acting strong by not letting them to cascade down fought her and did, "I'm sorry, Mama. I can't do anything if you're angry at me and not talking to me. Please forgive, beat me if that will make you feel better. But please don't deprive me of your warmth, your all I have. I know what I did is wrong, but I'm deeply sorry, Mama."
Mama didn't look up at her, she stood up and walked back to the bed, enough evidence for Jalilah that she didn't want to see her. Jalilah cleared her tears and moved to the bed, with her knees still on the ground, she placed her hands on Mama's thighs, which she shoved away. "Get out of my room, you're leaving today, now to be precise, you should make sure you do that. I'm certain you're not being remorseful because you know what you did was wrong, you're being like this because you're afraid of what Uncle Yusuf will say, right? Don't worry about him, I'll find a way to tell him the truth. Now, get out of my sight."
Mama had never been this angry at her, she never knew that Mama would be so mad at her to the point that she would see her crying this hard and wouldn't feel bad. Jalilah opened her mouth to speak again but Mama stopped her, "One more word, and you'll know the kind of mother you have. Just get out of my room." With tears making a fountain of her cheeks, Jalilah staggered out of the room and she met Fareeda and Fareed in the living room. They both rushed to her and hugged her.
"It will be fine, Addah. It's just a phase, you'll come out of it stronger." They said in unison, Jalilah broke into more tears while she clutched them more to her body. She wished she wasn't the one that created this phase for herself, all this burden would have been easier to carry.
Fareed was the first one that broke their hug and he took a car key before they left. It was a silent drive to the hotel and when they arrived at the parking lot, he turned to look at her. "Will you call him or you'll tell me the room number so I'll fetch him for us?"
"Room 2006, call him for us. Tell him that you're Fareed, he knows." She croaked and closed her eyes while she leaned on the seats more. Everything didn't matter to her now, she wished she could go back to the day she saw that advert and change everything.
In a matter of minutes, Fareed walked toward the car with Yazeed by his side as they laconically conversed, with soft smiles on their lips. She needn't ask for her to know that this smile was a pretence for Yazeed, because he had to do all that he knew wouldn't leave her family in doubt. At least she had that faith in him. And for Fareed and Fareeda that was now raining greetings on him after he had gotten into the car, they were giddy because Addah had finally gotten herself a husband, and he happened to be so handsome and calm.
They drove silently to the airport with Fareed and Yazeed laconically conversing that Jalilah wondered how they were still talking. Through the side mirror, she could see the look on Yazeed's face, and it screamed coldness. So much coldness that she knew if they were the only ones, she would have been covered in snow by now. After they arrived, they stood at the arrivals and she hugged the twins again.
"I'm going to miss you, Addah. I'll call you every day to know how you're doing, okay? We will also try our bests to convince Mama to you." That was Fareeda, and Jalilah knew this girl was her blessing in disguise.
"I'll make sure I don't beat her to the extent that she would be nurturing her wounds to forget to call you. And yes, Mama will come over inshallah. She just needs some time to process it." Fareed spoke, and Jalilah had to crack up amidst her tears. She bade them goodbye once again and they walked to the departure.
Sitting beside Yazeed felt like a nightmare, it was as if this was the first time she had ever met him. No, because the first time she had met him, this wasn't what she felt. She felt free then, and angry at him. But now, she felt smaller, wondered if she was a thing, a human even, in his eyes. He made her questioned her esteem to the point that she knew if she pondered over his words for too long, she would have to get herself a therapist. They still hadn't shared a single word, and Jalilah didn't make the mistake of looking into his eyes. Not even staring at him through her peripheral view because she knew he might catch her and that would be an opener for how much regard he took her in his life. How she wasn't up to a standard, she didn't deserve everything good in life, which to him, he was the only good thing that had ever happened to her. And to her, she would prefer him taking a scalpel, tearing the soft flesh guarding her heart until he had direct access to it. That way, he could squeeze it as much as he wanted, cut some veins that he was sure wouldn't kill her, and stitch her up.
Finally, after the flight was over, Jalilah knew the last thing she wanted was to be in his company again, she had already booked for an uber. He walked past her as if they weren't together, his brows knitted together and a frown adorned his face. She wheeled her trolley to the uber she had booked, leaning her head onto the seat before she closed her eyes. Funny how things easily changed in just a matter of hours, because it hadn't even been 24hrs since they came here yesterday, their faces full of smiles and other travellers openly admiring them. If she was told the kind of dish today would serve her, she wouldn't have agreed to go there in the first place.
She felt as if she had walked for days without stopping or taking anything into her stomach. All her energy had been drained from her and she wanted nothing but to fall asleep until she couldn't feel her head anymore. She opened the door to her house and walked in, but the first thing she had noticed was the cup she had promised to keep for herself. The cup Yazeed took a drink from. She didn't know when tears rolled down her cheeks, and it felt like an opener for her.
She remembered all the things he had said to her, everything came back to her in a such a way that she felt as if they were racing in full force toward her and each one of them kept begging for her to ponder over him first. "who do you think you are to call your pathetic and desperate self as my wife? Do you what it takes to be my wife? The prices you have to pay to call yourself my Mrs? Don't you know that you have to be on a certain level of standard for me to consider you as someone worthy of a Mrs title in my life? How could you degrade me like that? At the same time painting yourself as the cheapest woman on earth. Lying about being married when the man doesn't even see you worthy of anything valuable in his life? I thought you've said that love isn't cheap and easy for you?" As much as she didn't want to think about these words, she had to, and right there on her corridor, she slumped down.
Did she paint herself as the cheapest woman on earth? Just because she lied to her mother about getting married to him? He knew that wasn't what she meant, he knew it was only for her to get what's he wanted. Why would Yazeed choose those words to throw at her? Really? Of all words to choose? And he made mention that there were prices for one to be a Mrs in his life, a certain level of standard, was that how low Yazeed thought of her? She didn't know when she screamed and hugged her knees to her chest, rocking her body as she cried harder than she had ever cried in her life.
"But that was how your miserable self said that you loved me in front of your mother. You love me, for real?! Were you this cheap? This pitiful that you have no other choice but to push yourself on a man?!" Did Yazeed saw her as someone miserable? Is she someone cheap? Was she pitiful? All those smiles, those amazing moment, was he just being sympathetic about her miserable and pathetic self? Did she push herself on him? Did she ever make a comment that implied she wanted to be someone of so much regard in his life? What of the 'I had to lie for the sake of ballet' didn't he understand?! Her chest, she kept gasping for air to the point that she had to close her eyes to liberate her chest. She had never thought she could be hurt to this depth, to this extent, with only words that required no action. She couldn't say she had never been hurt, but this was a whole different way of hurting her soul.
"I'll make this clear to your desperate self, Jalilah. One, I can't love you, and even if I could, I'd choose not to. Second, even in your wildest dreams, don't ever dream of getting me as a husband. Because getting that title in my life isn't cheap, it doesn't come to any type of a girl, not a cheap girl like you! If you'll at least stop pushing yourself on me, I was only trying to help you achieve your dream! I don't want a relationship with you! I don't love you and never would! You can't be the one I love, you lack all things I want in a spouse, set yourself right and stop dreaming fantasies!" She wondered how words alone could have such power in breaking a person's heart. She could swear she had heard the sound of a being splitting in her chest. It was too much, too heavy for a heart that had had too much in life and was only beginning to enjoy life in a different perspective. Yazeed had only made it worse for her, it felt like he dragged her back into the dungeon she spent years before she dared to walk out of.
"Take your filthy body away from me! Get the hell out of my room!" These words, exactly like Yazeed had uttered them, with the same rage, disgust and hatred. Even the way his eyes looked, the way he angrily pointed at the door for her, the fear that struck her heart and the way her body responded to that, it was the same. She had been there, not in somebody's shoes, but her own. She was once there, and it took her years before she lounged herself out of that trauma. She had told herself times without number that she was strong now, she could face whatever storm that came her way, be it a tsunami, she would fight through it and reign. But there was a certain weakness of her attached with Yazeed, it felt so hard to the point that she found herself slowly walking back to her old self. The Jalilah she had never wished to think of.
❤︎
She hadn't slept, nor did she eat something apart from the doughnuts and bunches of chocolates Farha had delivered to her. She was a whole mess, and her tears had dried because she had used them a lot. She had called Mama until her fingers got soar because of the way she dialled her number, but no response came. She had sent her a lot of messages, but none got to read, not even hope to have a reply. It was already four in the evening, but she couldn't point a finger at what she had done apart from crying, taking chocolates and crying again. If all was okay with them, today was the day they should leave, in about an hour and a half. She chose an evening flight for them because she was certain she would be jet-lagged after they came back from Adamawa, which surely, she was. Not even jet-lagged, her whole body system needed a reset.
She heard a knock on her door and she wondered who it was, maybe another delivery man with food bought to her by Farha? She had switched off her phone because she didn't want to live in her grieving world with anyone, she wanted it to be only herself. She pulled herself out of the bed and carried her box of used tissue to dump in the bin, everything was a mess. She unlocked the door after disposing of it and failed at her attempt to smile at Wafiyya.
"Oh my god! What happened, Jalilah? You aren't yourself, you've lost weight, lose your charm, and you're probably debating about committing suicide or not. What happened? What went wrong?" Wafiyya asked as she walked further into the house, carrying her food basket along. "I knew it, the moment I saw Yazeed acting coldly I knew something was wrong! And when he told me to take you to the airport that he has some things to sort out, I just knew. Girl, let's have your shower, eat, then you'll tell me everything."
Jalilah closed the door, mustering enough energy before she did the task. She followed Wafiyya into the kitchen as she began serving her in a plate, "Take this, eat first, you seem to lack energy." She collected and sat on the kitchen island while Wafiyya did the same.
But before she began to eat, she asked her, "Did you said that he sent you to take me to the airport?"
Wafiyya sighed before she nodded her head, "Yes, he did. But as much as we asked him, he couldn't say anything. He left the house when our questions got intense. I thought you left so happy with each other?"
Jalilah sighed and took a spoonful of her food before she nodded her head, she was tired of lying. She knew he hadn't told them because it felt disgusting and embarrassing to him, how could she call herself his wife? "I lied to my mother, I told her he was my husband. That I got married here without them knowing."
Wafiyya abruptly stood up with her mouth hanged in the air. "What?! Please tell me you didn't! Oh my god! That's an untouchable area for Yazeed! Ya Rabb, I guess things went from good to extremely bad, right?" Finally, she found a spot for herself and sat down, intensely fixing her eyes on Jalilah until she felt like puking out what she had just eaten.
"It did, and I know it was wrong of me, bad even. But Wafiyya that's the only choice I have, that's the only way she could let me leave. And even after this, it isn't safe for me. I'm sure if she told my Uncle, he'd have to make some enquiries, and if he found out I'm still staying in this house, I'm doomed. He'll just kill me and even Mama couldn't say anything." She wiped at her tears and dropped the spoon she was holding, she didn't want to think of what would happen. An encounter with Uncle Yusuf was the last thing she wanted in her life.
"Oh my god! I don't even know what to say. Look, I'm sorry, okay? It's painful, I know. And from all indications, Yazeed isn't the only problem you're facing now. Jalilah, you have to be strong, give yourself time to heal, give him time as well. I don't know how to make you feel better, but just know that everything will be back to how it used to be." Wafiyya spoke softly as she placed her hand on Jalilah's, trying to console her since she didn't have the right words to do that.
"For some things, I wish I would turn back the hands of time and change the narratives," Jalilah whispered, the same time when her tears cascaded down her cheeks.