right now i'm in the cafe with Emily listening to her story. "mum almost like literally washed the kittens." she said. "in the washing machine! i was running, mom!"
"did i tell you what happened last night with James?" i cut her off. i had to tell someone.
"no."
"okay, well, so you know we won the nationals duet, which is great, but umm... i went to tell him. so i go into the music room and i'm really excited about it. i'm really stoked to tell him and then, i go in and i see him kissing beth."
"what!"
"kissing her. i don't think he saw me, but—"
"wait, wait, how long were they kissing?" she asked.
"i don't know but it seemed like forever." i said quickly.
"Izzy, come down. you have to talk to him. you don't know the full story, okay? just... just see what's going on."
i think emily's right. i mean, if i give james a chance to explain, then hopefully he'll be honest, and you know he'll tell me the truth.
"you can't jump to conclusions with your heart, okay? and either you're going to get hurt, or he's going to get hurt." i looked up. "you don't know the full story okay?" James sat by our sides.
"what's up?" he asked.
"you just have to pack that picnic and get out of here!" Emily changed the subject quickly. "like i'm about to do to wash out cat. all right, well, have fun!" Emily left me alone with James.
"what's up?" he asked me.
"so how was the rehearsal with Beth last night?" i asked him.
i want him to look me in the eye and tell me the truth.
"it was good. we really got some more progress with the dance. so i'm starting to fell really comfortable with it." he said so lightly.
"so nothing happened at rehearsal?" i asked trying to push him to tell me. "nothing out of the ordinary at all?"
"no. same old."
and when he lies to my face... i know the kiss had to have meant something. why would he... why would he not tell me the truth if it didn't mean something?
"what's up, iz?"
"that's funny, because when i came to the music room last night to tell you that we got the nationals duet, i see you and beth kissing." he sighed. "and then when i give you the chance to be honest about it, you lie to my face."
"look, Izzy."
"is there anything else you're lying to me about?"
"no, Iz, listen. Beth kissed me. i didn't kiss beth."
he can try and justify it as much as he wants. it doesn't change the fact that he did it and that he lied to my face about it.
i stood up. "but you didn't pull away either." he was silent. "fuck you, James." i walked away quickly from him.
i was warming up at the studio when Kate hung up the sheet for the small groups.
obviously i can't audition because i got the duet with James. i don't know what i'm gonna do.
when i heard the boys exclaimed at the other side of the room i knew James told them. i just wish he would told me the truth when i gave him the chance.
i took a deep breath and then walked to Kate's office, Chloe was inside, and knocked on her door. "hey izzy." she said.
"could i talk you for a minute about the duet?"
"sure."
"you want me to leave?" Chloe asked.
"no it's okay." i turned to miss kate. "i don't think i can do it."
"what do you mean you can't do the duet? you have the think about the team, Isabel. you are the dance captain. we need you and James to dance the duet. you have chemistry since you were little. come on."
"miss kate—"
"no. this is the time for you to be professional. you need to put aside whatever happened outside of the studio and focus on the dance and the performance, and that's what i need from you right now."
"alright. fine."
"okay, thank you so much, Izzy. you'll be great, okay?" i left the office on those words.
i went out to the hallway and just sat on the floor with my head buried in my hands.
i got up and went to studio b in order to dance for a bit.
suddenly James walked in grabbed my bag and put it on the other side of the room. "can i help you?" i asked angrily.
"what's up?" he put in a disc.
i don't know what james is trying to do right now. i just don't wanna deal with it.
"i want to show you something." he took my hand but i pulled away from him and sat my down on the bench.
i agree to stay because there's still a part of me who wants to be with him.
he started dancing and he pulled some cute moves.
as james dances i do kind of feel a bit lighter. i mean he's showing me that he's trying, you know? and that's something that he doesn't normally do, so... i don't know it makes me feel kind of special.
as part of his dance he sat next to me and he put his arm around me, i couldn't help but smile and push him away slightly.
when he finished dancing he sat on the floor in front of me on his knees. "look, izzy, i'm so sorry, about everything. please just talk to me. that dance was for you. that song was for you. you have to realize that with Beth there was never anything. it's always been you. you have to forgive me." i smiled slightly.
the moment that James kneels in front of me and tells me it's always been me, it's all i've ever really wanted him to say.
i opened my mouth to speak and then i saw Beth. "ooh! what's going on over here, guys?" she said.
when i see Beth it just brings back everything. i can't stop seeing them kissing.
"let me guess, you're next in line to see the show?" i said to her.
"there's a show?" she asked.
"look, Beth, please..." James started.
i stood up. "James, you ruined something really special okay? and no dance is gonna change that." i grabbed my bag.
"Izzy come on."
"no."
"i can go." Beth said.
"no, you stay." i said sharply and then looked at James with tears. "don't come near me. ever. not as your dance captain, not as your teammate, and sure as hell not as your friend."
as much as i wanna be with James and as much as i wanna forgive him i just can't. i know him better than anyone. i was there for every one of his flings. i can't believe i let him in that way.
right now i'm in studio a dancing to 'Fire' trying to clear my head. when i'm dancing is the only time i can stop thinking, but this time is different. dance was what made me and James so close. dancing was always fun with James. i just feel so lost. i don't know what i'm gonna do.