Outer Banks, Thornton's house
July 14th, 2020
7:22pm
(mentions of drugs, disease)
I stepped in my house, closed the door behind me and looked all around to see if my parents were home. I had asked Topper to tell them I wouldn't be home for the night but if they saw me coming back then they'd never allow me to leave again and I wouldn't make it to join my friends. I heard noise coming from the kitchen so I stepped very quietly towards it and since the door was half-opened, it allowed me to throw a rapid glance at whoever was in the room.
I gasped when I saw Rafe, alone, opening the fridge and taking a beer out of it. The boy felt my presence behind him and turned around rapidly which didn't give me the chance to hide. I stood there, in the doorframe, as his eyes laid on me and it felt like my heart would explode in my chest. I had only came home to get dark clothes and one or two flashlights for my friends but never even in my wildest thoughts I would have expected Rafe to be home.
"Tessa," he smiled softly. "I just knew you'd come back to me"
I rolled eyes. "I'm only here for a minute, I didn't come back to you," I explained.
I walked away and made my way upstairs, as I heard him chugging a beer and following me. I hurried as I reached the hallway and got inside my room, before opening the drawer and anxiously throwing all the colourful clothes on the ground. My heartbeat kept accelerating, and as stress pounded in my ears, I didn't make it to find what I was looking for. I couldn't confront him for the third time during the same day, I was exhausted and couldn't believe he didn't understand I simply needed peace. "What are you looking for?" he asked me but I didn't respond so he sighed.
He placed his tall body in between mine and the drawer so that I couldn't avoid looking at him and I sighed. "Get out of my way, respectfully," I groaned in annoyance, crossing my arms over my chest as my eyes met his.
"Stop being like this," he sighed. "You're being childish and you know I hate it"
"Get out of my way!" I screamed at him.
"You're really testing my patience today aren't you?" Rafe argued, grabbing me by the arm and throwing me on the bed.
I immediately sat up on the bed and more tears streamed down my face, as sobs escaped my throat. It wasn't fair I didn't even get the few hours of peace I had asked him for and I didn't even feel okay in my own house, in my own bedroom. I hated how no matter how much he physically and mentally hurt me, my love for him didn't reduce even a just tiny bit. My eyes filled up with tears, and I gave up. I didn't want to fight against him, if he wanted to talk then we would, because it meant then he wouldn't harass me.
"No, no," Rafe immediately felt bad and sat next to me, pulling me in his arms. "I didn't mean to make you cry"
I pushed him off me before his eyes met mine and I felt like breaking down again. l didn't want his hands on me or his arms wrapped around my body, not after he had slapped me, hit me so my brother had to step in, harassed me with tens of phone calls, slept with another girl and threw me on the bed like I was just some useless girl he wanted control over. Because I couldn't deal with him if it was only about making me cry and then apologising over and over.
Since the door was left half-opened, my small dog made his way in the room and jumped on Rafe's lap, which would usually have made me smile but this time it didn't. The man laid on my bed and caressed him all over as my puppy sat on his muscular chest. Rafe then kissed his head a little but my dog saw me so he decided to get on my legs and lick them gleefully. I just caressed his back gently and pressed gentle kisses on the top of his small head as he laid on my thighs and Rafe sat back up. I knew Gaby could feel I wasn't okay and his presence made me feel a little bit better, but not enough for the tears to stop pouring. "Why are you crying? it's not that deep Tessa," he drawled.
"Why are you being an asshole Rafe? I'm so sorry that I stole from you and I should never even have blamed you for getting me into drugs, which is completely ruining my life but do you realise what you've done to me?" I said, my voice breaking as I spoke.
"I'm sorry, Tessa, alright?" he said louder but it sounded fake. "I slept with that girl because I was upset and I wanted some distraction. I needed to get you off my mind but see it didn't really work out"
I sighed and shook my head, not believing a single word of his. He was Rafe Cameron, of course he slept with girls and of course he was violent, so how could a single word coming out of his mouth in this moment be true? I kissed Gaby's head and turned to look at Rafe. "It's not about the girl, I don't care," I lied.
"Then what is it about?" Rafe asked me, placing an hand on my shoulder. "Tell me, you know you can tell me anything, okay? because I love you, Tessa"
A few seconds ago, he was telling me I was dramatic crying over something that wasn't that deep, and just because my reaction had shown him how much of an ass he was, he felt the need to open up about something I wished he had said earlier, or maybe later, but not in this moment filled with tears and anger.
"I hope you don't," I mumbled.
The boy frowned. "Why not? You said you were in love with me right?" he asked.
I couldn't believe how stupid he was. Of course I was in love with him, I wanted his kisses and his touch all the time, I wanted to hug him and feel his desire on my body again but it didn't make him any less of a jerk. His hand started drawing circles on my arm and I slapped it away, because he was not going to win me over so soon or so easily, even though I craved his touch.
"I hope you don't love me because if you really do, then it means you're ready to hit someone you actually love," I started sobbing. "I hope I'm just a phase and we dated for only a few days so it didn't really matter to you and that's why you're acting like this. I really hope you don't love me because if you do, then it's even worse"
He bit his lower lip, before wrapping both of his arms around me, which led my dog to jump off me and waddle to the hallway, as I broke down in Rafe's arms. He held me so tightly against his chest I felt like exploding, but it felt good overall, and I sobbed for a few seconds, not making it to say anything. "Don't cry, you're too pretty to cry darling," he whispered and in a normal situation I would have made fun of him for calling me this, but I just kept sobbing.
"I'm scared Rafe," I sobbed. "I'm terrified because there's not a single second where I don't miss drugs, and where I don't miss you. And I'm scared it will consume me from the inside and one day I'll go crazy and become a sociopath or worse; go through the shit I went through in the past. And I really, really don't want more hospital days"
I sobbed more as I finished speaking and I saw the boy didn't know how to react or respond because he probably didn't realise drugs had an actual impact on my health and I wasn't the healthiest person he had ever met, to be very honest. He hugged me tight against his chest and I didn't even feel like fighting, because it would have been useless and I liked his touch.
"I can help you, it's not like you were addicted yet, okay?" he stated. "Saying you are would be dramatic"
"Dramatic?" I asked, pulling away to look at him. "It keeps me up at night, I think about it all the time. I feel this thing in my body, it's like the pills they gave me at the hospital, and I don't want to relive it all again"
The boy sighed and looked above me, clenching his jaw. I could tell he was taken aback by the fact I was also addicted and it wasn't only his problem now, it was ours, and I really didn't see any solution besides sinking back again. My parents couldn't learn about it or I'd be hanged and so would be Rafe because his father would blame it all on him, and it's what scared me even more. My father always found solutions for everything but me, I was nothing without him.
"We got this, alright," Rafe said confidently and I wiped my tears nodding even though I didn't really believe we did.
"I need to go," I stated shaking my head, locking my eyes in his. "I'll see you another day"
"Wait, I just wanted to tell you that, I know you won't believe my words because I did hurt you, a lot, physically and mentally, and I regret that I did because it's clear you suffered from it. That's why I really wanted to make clear that I'm sorry," he voiced. "And I love you"
I slowly got back up and grabbed the clothes and flashlights I had came here for, before I felt Rafe getting up behind me as well. I didn't want to talk to him because it just made everything worse and confused me more than solved. I didn't forget John B's words and especially the mission that mattered more to me than this speech since it was about my friends and they deserved it.
"Okay, thank you," I just said since I didn't really know what to answer to those words that actually didn't really mean anything.
"So, are we good?" he asked me like I was going to jump in his arms and kiss him.
I went closer and placed my hand on his cheek, rubbing it gently. I wanted him but he was not going to get away with what he had done so easily, and I wasn't the type of girl he could control the way he usually did. "No we're not, I'm going to need more than just a sorry, Rafael," I explained before leaving him alone in my room.
(...)
Outer Banks, the Cut
July 14th, 2020
9:39pm
Night had not completely fell off on the island but I could still hardly see through the dark streets of the Cut, which didn't reassure me. I didn't fear this side of the island more than Figure-Eight and actually even felt safer there than anywhere else in the world, but just like any other girl, being alone in the darkness was not reassuring. My footsteps pace accelerated a little as I heard noises behind me, but there was no doubt I had made them up.
I kept making my way to the Château where my friends and I were supposedly meeting each other in about 20 minutes, and I could hardly believe I'd get to see Sarah and Kiara together. I smiled softly but it soon subsided as I heard noise behind me again and turned on the flashlight I had taken for the mission to show who was there. I immediately heard a loud groan and saw my blonde best friend hiding his eyes from the bright light, which made me laugh a little. "God, Tessa!" he groaned.
"Sorry!" I laughed softly. "That'd what you get for scaring the shit out of me"
JJ laughed and grabbed the flashlight to hold it himself which allowed him to see me better, even though I was wearing one of Topper's black sweatshirts and black sweatpants, following the instructions, even though I didn't believe in the stories people told about Ms Crain and if she was blind then wearing black clothes wouldn't have changed a shit. As JJ held up the flashlight and lightened my face, his facial features turned darker, as if I was a monster or a ghost, which had me raising both of my eyebrows up in a frown.
"Why do you look like that?" JJ asked me.
"Look like what?" I rolled eyes. "So hot? well I put on some lotion my moth-"
"Did you see Rafe?" he cut me off, as he put the flashlights under his armpit and placed both of his thumbs on my cheeks.
My cheeks reddened and even though the darkness permitted me to hide it at least a little, they warmed up and with his hands on my face I knew he felt it. I shook my head in denial gently and he rolled eyes, as his fingers kept caressing my cheeks, but it was more like they were wiping things; as if he was wiping off my tears but this time I was sure I wasn't crying. "You got the eye makeup thing all over your face and that can only mean one thing," JJ whispered.
"Oh, you mean mascara?" I asked, which was not surprising.
I had ran away from home so quickly I had not even looked at my reflection in the mirror and even though it was supposed to be waterproof, too much tears had poured that day for the makeup to hold on to my eyelashes. JJ nodded and I saw in his eyes and the way he brought his face closer from mine that he wanted me to go ahead. Here, in the middle of nowhere and through the half-darkness of the beginning of this summer night, I didn't know if I was supposed to lie or tell him the truth, because both ways would hurt.
"He-" I began, trying not to stutter. "Yes, he was at home, he came to apologise, he was really sorry and felt bad, but I didn't yield"
"I hope not, you two are broken up so there's no going back," JJ said and I sadly knew why he was so into this breakup thing. "I told you, you deserve someone who loves you for who you are"
"I know," I whispered before kissing his cheek softly. "We have other things to focus on than my boring love life right now"
JJ smiled and looked down at my lips and shrugged, before his hands trailed down my neck and shoulders before his arms wrapped up my waist. It felt so wrong, and at the same time I never wanted to break his heart because we had known each other for so long and he was one of the most precious things that I had and could hold onto. "You know we'll always be there for you, because you're one of us and you deserve so much better than a golfer," JJ laughed.
I laughed too. "He's not even that good according to my brother," I smiled.
JJ smiled more as his arms wrapped my waist more and his eyes met mine. I didn't want my lips to be so dangerously close from his and I saw no other option than pulling him into an unexpected hug and wrapping my arms around his neck so that my face could be rested against his shoulder and buried in his neck. "I love you Tessa," he whispered and I smiled.
"I love you too, you're the best," I quickly responded without really thinking, which earned me to face a cold silence.
We pulled away or more precisely JJ pulled away from our hug to look at me in the eyes and that's when I noticed his tearful eyes and saw something was wrong. "No, no, I don't love you like this, Tessa, I'm - I'm in love with you," he stated.
I knew he did and those words weren't supposed to surprise me because I was sure he knew I was aware he liked me in a romantic way but it was like getting shot once again, as those words hit my ears, because all of sudden I had to face them. I had to break his heart and face his potential tears even though there was almost no chance he'd cry or show how upset he was after I'd tell him I didn't like him back, because he was JJ. Somehow he was used to be rejected, from every single place and every single situation.
Over and over, people seemed to vanish, give up on him, abandon him with his abusive father, and that's why he didn't really care about anything. Because every single time he cared, it didn't end up well. I had witnessed it a few times, and so had John B, not later than a few months earlier when this stupid Kook had walked in his life. He was a fixer, a protector, not the type of boy who organised romantic nights on yachts or fancy dinners at restaurants, first of all because he didn't have the money, and because it wasn't him.
I shook my head gently, on verge of tears because I knew it was hard for him to open up but it was selfishly also hard for me to hear those words and I had gone through enough drama those last hours and days. "JJ, you're not in love with me, come on," my voice broke almost begging.
"Oh but I am, and it drives me crazy Tessa, because no one compares. Kie? Savannah? those other chicks from the Cut?" he asked rhetorically. "I don't care about them as long as I have you. Well, maybe just not Kie cause she's our best friend but screw everyone else"
I laughed nervously and looked away, biting my lip trying so hard not to cry and mostly looking for the right words to use because loosing our friendship was not even an option. I loved him so much, I never wanted to hurt him but I had already tried to make him understand we were only friends after he had kissed me when I was drunk and apparently he was not the best at signals.
"JJ, I love you, so much, and you know it because we shared many things that normal friends don't, okay?" I began. "You showed me what love is, you taught me a lot and without you, I would never had made it. I didn't forget when you visited me at the hospital when everyone thought I'd pass away, and no one else did, not even Topper. You were there for me when I needed you, and you never disappointed me so yes, it makes you special to me. All this to tell you, that I love you like crazy, but as my best friend, and I hate myself for it but I can't control my feelings"
A silence made its way and a tear fell on his cheek, which shattered my heart and made me want to fall into pieces. He didn't hide his sadness, he just let those tears pour down and as I tried to hug him he asked me silently to give him some space with hand movements. He unwrapped his arms from around me and I tried to stay calm and not cry because I couldn't cry for boys no more. "At least you clarified the situation," JJ said walking to the shack. "Friends, yeah, friends"
He said this with a small bittersweet scoff and I bit my lip. I tried to walk faster to reach him and as I made my way next to him, I wanted him to wrap an arm around me like he usually did, but he didn't, he even avoided eye contact and it wounded me more inside.
"Hey, you know it's not your fault right? I mean you're perfect it's just-" I began but he interrupted me before I could finish.
"-It's just I'm JJ Maybank," he said.
We reached the Château and our friends laughs filled up our ears as he wiped his last tears away with his fingers. I hated to see him like this, I wanted to hold him, to kiss his cheek, to let him know I'd always be there and never give up on him, but it wasn't the right time and especially not since I was the one making him cry. I knew it would eventually pass and one day we'd think about it and smile thinking we were just teenagers, but as we lived it, it was awful.
"No," I shook my head before his eyes connected with mine. "It's just he's Rafe Cameron"