What was I to do? The man I loved stood before me, even knelt before me in tears begging me to let him stay. Although he expected me to make him leave? Could I make this work? Could I forgive his harshness toward me? His affections to Maya?
I looked in his eyes and saw his heart had broken too. Believing it was just mine, I envied him as he had no pride to cry. I held all my tears behind my eyes in hopes of staying strong. The strongest I could. But when he placed his hand on my cheek-I lost it. Completely.
"Don't tell me to go. I can't handle it..."
"I need you to. I can't be with someone who lies and cheats..."
"I never did. I never gave her any indication I wanted her. It was you...It was always you. And it always will be. Your touch...Your kiss.... No matter who or what comes along-I will always love you most..."
I angled my head back as the tears fell carelessly to the ground. Moving my gaze back, I found his kiss to be awaiting me. This time, it was a desperation kiss. An act where he hoped I would reconsider for a simple feeling I did not want to lose. To be truthful, I would have done anything for his kiss-but I could not let him know that...
"You can't forget that. The feeling it gives you...The love it ignites...Please tell me you understand and feel the same you did-"
And just like that the words fell from my mouth. I could not stop them no matter how hard I tried.
"Of course! You were the first man I gave myself to-fully and truly. The only man I have ever loved and the only man I will ever love. The way I feel about you is completely brand new and it terrifies me because you can not only break my heart-but break me."
"Don't tell me to leave then. Tell me to stay. Because to be honest, if you told me to leave-I think the coroner would have to drag me out..."
"I can't look at you without seeing that image in my head. However it happened-it did..."
"I want you to know that there is nobody on this earth, in this world, or galaxy I want more than you. No time or distance can change that or separate me from you. If you want me to go, I will but I will fight for you-to win you back..." He turned and picked up the bag from the couch and headed toward the door. "If you want to stop me, I'll stay. And work immensely hard on making you trust me once more everyday. Every second. If I go, and you let me, I will come back a better man, one you can trust, but after I give you the space you ask...."
My feet stayed cemented as I wanted to run and follow him. My mouth stayed quiet although I wanted to yell after him. Didn't he know I told him I wanted him to stay already? But he understood I needed space.
But my heart didn't.
I tore myself from my immobile state and ran out the door to find him walking down the road. When he saw, he turned-dropped the backpack and ran toward me, picking me up without hassle. He walked me into the barn and this time up to the loft. He wasted no time in removing our clothes before he had me beneath him.
My back arced instantly then retreated flat. I bit my lip to stay quiet as he gripped the hay that sat on either side of us. I wanted this moment to continue forever. I closed my eyes tight as I realized I was incapable of leaving him and he was unable to leave me-although if I desired him to do so...
"Tell me I'm the only one." I whispered as I nibbled on his ear.
"Only. Always." He said with deep and hot breaths.
I could feel it then as I feel it now. The happiness yet absence of something. I felt wonderful for the moment we were sharing with one another, but absent as if I had been broken. Unable to be put back together. But nothing mattered then. I thought I knew everything.