Affection - Between Friends
August 24, 2021
My father gave me my first drawing pad when I was ten.
He always loved teaching me new things.
Loved sitting down and learning things together.
So on my tenth birthday, I ripped off the leftover Christmas wrapping paper from the year prior and saw a new hobby we could try together. I was already dressed in my costume, since I shared my day with the worst holiday ever, Halloween.
I insisted on staying in that night and having dad teach me how to draw, but mother dragged me along while Kitty trick-or-treated. She always had to be seen as the perfect mother and family to the neighborhood.
A little less than two years later and he was gone. Kitty and I had a week left of summer vacation. Each weekend since we'd gotten out of school, dad would lay out a huge tarp in the lawn and sprayed it down with soap and water. We would all take turns on the makeshift slip-and-slide while mother watched through the front bay windows.
I was always daddy's little girl. Dad loved Kitty and I equally, but I found comfort in him while Kitty was the more independent child. She would run deep into the trees in the backyard, alone and creating stories in her head. I always stuck by dad's side. While he read a new book every week, I was rereading the same mythical book that mother 'gifted' me.
On August 4th, I watched as mother folded in on herself. I hugged Kitty close to my chest and squeezed my eyes tight enough to see stars. While mother laid in bed, his closet was left open and emptied.
Not even a note was left. His existence just ceased after that.
I don't think my brain was strong enough to comprehend what had happened in the moment. I couldn't process that he wasn't on one of his business trips, and that he wouldn't be coming back. Ever.
He was a big time lawyer, but never flaunted his wealth. Had business overseas, so it wasn't weird in my eyes that he was gone. He'd always shared his stories with us.
Painting pictures in our heads of what Switzerland, Mexico, and Germany were like.
"London was his favorite, though." I say. "That's why I'm here now. Wanted to know why he loved it so much."
"You miss him lot?" He asks.
I nod, my brush still on the canvas. When I talk I can feel my breath bounce off of the painting and hit me back in the face. "More than anything. But it's kind of hard to forgive him after watching how him leaving affected my family."
"What happened?" he asked.
I run my free hand down my pants. "I don't really like to talk about it."
"Have you told anyone?"
I nod. "Vivi knows everything. No one else knows the details."
"Has he contacted you at all?"
I shake my head now. "I lost hope in him. It's been eight years."
Jesse blankets the room in silence, and I go back to the meticulous brush strokes. Since he is his own boss, he's been spending all of his free time with me, helping me build my portfolio by creating experiences that inspiration can stem from.
I've come to terms with my past. As well as a person can. I got out of the suffocating suburb of upstate New York and started completely over. That doesn't mean that the past hasn't leaked through the walls I built up.
"I'm going to grab some water. You need anything?" Jesse asks. The bed springs squeak as he stands.
"Actually," I start. "Would you get some fresh water for this?" I ask, handing him the mason jar full of dark water and paint brushes.
There is a slight rumble that comes from the sky. I rush over to the window and pull the small canvas inside that's been drying.
I pick up where I was and hear his feet patter back down the hall. Over my shoulder, I see him in the doorway, a cup in each hand, staring back at me.
"What?" I ask. There's an innocence in my voice. A soft smile on my lips.
"Go on a date with me."
My hand drops and the bristles carrying the wrong color brushes against the canvas.
"What?" I ask again. The rest of my face is still.
"Just one date. Please."
He's sat down the cups and is standing closer than before. He isn't much taller than me. Our eyes nearly match in height.
I have no "dating horror story" to explain my visceral reaction. I had a few relationships in high school, but they were all short lived. Having to pick up the slack around the house gave me little to no time to care about myself or someone else in that way.
And now all of my love goes directly into my best friend's pockets.
I turn back around to hide my face, and I see the damage of the brush falling out of my hand.
"Shit." I say under my breath.
"I'll take that as a 'no'." Jesse says behind me.
"No!" I spin back around.
"No?" he mimes.
I shake my head. Then nod instead.
"I'll go on a date with you." I say.
A joker's grin grows on his face. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." I nod. My lip is pulled under my teeth.
He looks around me and bares his teeth. "Did you just do that?" He's looking at the stripe of red across the neutrealed background.
"It's fine. I'll fix it somehow."
His hand brushes up my arm so lightly that I have to tell myself it really happened.
"Friday. I'll pick you up at eight."
"Yeah that sounds good-" I say, but a giant red alarm starts going off in my head. "Wait, The Royals are on Friday."
"The what?" Jesse asks. He is sitting back on my bed, his legs hanging over the edge.
"The band. Harry's band."
He looks at me, still confused. "Is that what they're calling it? 'Harry's band'?"
I put down everything in my hands. "Well, no. But he's the lead singer so-"
"You can miss one show-"
"But I missed the first one because I wasn't feeling well-"
We can't seem to let the other one finish a sentence.
"They will understand if you miss this one." He calms his voice. "There'll be millions of shows in the future."
"I really don't want to miss it."
"Please." he asks one last time.
I pick at my nails.
What will Vivianne think?
Could she hate me for missing another?
Will Niall?
I know Harry would actually crack a smile if he didn't see me in the audience. He better repay me for this favor.
"Okay. Friday at eight." I say.
Another joker's grin pulls on his lips. "I made a reservation at this new restaurant. It has candles on the tables and the waiters wear suits and they have flowers all around. But I told them not to have roses because..."
"Wait, wait, hold on." I stop his rambling. "You planned it out without knowing my answer?"
His face turns a light shade of pink. "A lot of my actions are made solely on hope."
I feel a warmth in my chest that I haven't felt in way too long.
And then the buzzer goes off.
I break the tension forming in the room and buzz up whoever is down there. I wait for a knock on the door two minutes later.
"Harry?" I can't help but be surprised to see him on my doormat.
"Viv should be here." He said. He looked like he saw a ghost when I opened the door, and peered down at his watch.
"She's been at work all day. What time is it?"
"Five." Harry doesn't look back at me, but rather the wall behind me.
His foot taps. He looks like he needs a valium. Instead of wearing a flashy designer suit that I picked up on him wearing during the week, he's in a black-and-white polka dot shirt and white leather pants. I just know he's sweating, because it certainly isn't leather season yet.
"She should be back soon, though. If you want to come in and wait." I offer.
Harry then looks at me. The blue necklace sharpens his eyes and makes them look less green but brighter than before.
Jesse comes from down the hall and stands right off of my shoulder. "Mate." I see him nod out of the corner of my eye.
Harry looks down at Jesse. His face doesn't soften one bit. Actually I think he's stiffened more now.
"No." Harry says to me. "I'll go."
But he doesn't. He lifts his hand that has an envelope in it.
"This was on the mat when I got here," he says, and hands it to me.
And then he hurries down the stairs with the only trace left behind being the scent of vanilla and tobacco. He lights a cigarette before he makes it out of the building.
"Such a douche." Jesse scoffs as he already makes his way back to my room.
I wait for the bottom door to close, but I can't hear it from eight floors up. The same 'Alice' is written in chicken scratch is scribbled across the front of the envelope.
Which means it's time to make a trip to the bank.
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Shorter chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it!!
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Sending all my love <3<3<3