TW// MENTIONS OF VIOLENCE...
I gave up trying to keep count of the days I've been locked in this bathroom. I gave up trying to take care of myself. If I moved away from the corner I felt safest in, my heart would physically hurt. Besides, it's not like I could even move well anyways.
I gave up.
Kieran didn't hold back the wrath inside him. If anything, what he showed me was just a glimpse of his devilish side and to be frank...I never wanted to see it again. My fear of Kieran was greater than my will to escape. God. Thinking about it made me want to throw up.
I curled my body and shut my eyes tight. I can still feel it. The fear overthrowing my body to the point where I went paralyzed. I furrowed my eyebrows reaching down to pinch my arm, one again. Leaving a scar next to all of the other ones. The fear was so strong it made my soul crawl out of my body, leaving me alone in the presence of Kieran. So strong that sleeping it off wasn't enough to make it go away because I'd still feel it in my dreams, vividly. In order to get rid of it I'd need to be reborn. At least.
I opened my eyes once the uncomfortable sensation settled, staring at the vast marble floor that was the most comforting thing I had here. If I could cry I would but there were no more tears left for me to cry. I was sucked dry. Left to actually deal with my thoughts.
He's going to come back.
He's going to beat me again.
He's going to...kill me.
Kill me. Kill me. Kill you.
I grabbed on the scalp of my hair, yanking down on it in an effort to yank my thoughts out too. Not because they were just noisy but probably because they were true and I wanted to believe they weren't.
He. Kieran...god I can't even think about him. I twisted my head away from the thoughts and pushed myself up so I was leaning against the corner wall. My weak, aching head swayed side to side watching the room tilt. Once everything was steady I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, calming my racing heart. I leaned my head against the wall and looked down at my spreaded out legs, covered in bruises.
My body was an art piece made from Kieran's fists.
I reached out and gently traced over the dark bruising getting an irritating pain in return. I sighed and pulled my hand back to my lap. They still hurt. Sigh after sigh, I waited. For him.
Kieran came twice a day, on a good day. Only to drop food off. Breakfast with snacks for lunch and then dinner. Never opened the door entirely, just slid the food right by and left. Prison clockworks. I had no appetite to eat after the beat down I received from him. Besides, even if I wanted to eat, my stomachs pain didn't have the strength to hold any food down. Kieran eventually caught on and was considerate enough to swap the food out with smoothies. I had a couple.
I've been trying my hardest to stand up but my legs always gave out on me and it hurt like shit. My stomach knotted every time I tried to use my upper body strength to lift myself up. And on top of that I was just straight up weak. So, I was stuck on this floor whether I liked it or not.
I winced at a sudden wave of shocking pain bouncing back and forth in my body. My hand grabbed the hem of the shirt desperately trying to block the pain. My eyes shut tightly as I held my breath until the pain ceased. I breathed heavily. This shit hurts too much, my whole body feels broken.
I didn't hear the bedroom door open but I heard the steps of Kieran get closer to the door. My head snapped up right and my body instantly tried its best to scoot farther into the corner. The door beeped followed by the snap of the door unlocking. My heart didn't try to calm itself down.
The door slowly swung open. It stayed open, wide open for a while. I was ready to peak my head out but retreaded when Kieran's loud steps entered the bathroom. He stared ahead with a blank face until his eyes looked directly to where I was. As if he knew where I would be. Still with a blank face.
He closed the door behind him and walked towards the bath, reaching down to turn the water on until it was to his liking and fixating himself. He left the water running. Kieran turned his head.
"Take your clothes off,".
My eyes widened.
Not once had Kieran ever tried to touch me or force me to do anything no matter how furious he was but now...now he is. The tears I didn't have in me began to fill the brim of my eyes as I brought my legs to my chest.
"Relax, I'm not going to do anything," He assured me, nonchalantly.
His words did little to zero to help me relax. Kieran removed his suit jacket while I wasn't looking and had been staring at me for a while. I locked my fear filled eyes with his dominant ones.
"Are you going to listen or am I going to have to make you listen?" He asked, deadpanned, with a raised eyebrow.
"I-I,"
"You what?" He irritatedly repeated.
I pursed my lips. Hurry up and answer.
"I can't move...," I barely said, looking at the floor.
Kieran sighed and I could feel his eyes roll. He walked over, making my heart race and breath hitch instantly. I balled my fists and focused on the marble floor like my life depended on it.
Kieran knelt down and didn't wait to begin taking my clothes off. He reached for my shirt, yanking it up.
"Put your arms up," He ordered.
I weakly lifted my arms and he ripped it right off, my chest exposed. He pulled my legs away from my chest and slid the shorts down. I bit down on my lip to keep myself from letting out a cry. He tossed the clothes to the side and moved closer but stopped.
Kieran snatched my face in his hands, "Don't bite your lip,".
I released my lip in less than a second at his dangerous warning.
Kieran stared at me only for a bit longer before scooping my legs in his arms and holding me steadily by the back, lifting me in his arms. I held onto his shoulder tightly as I kept myself from wincing out. He slowly lowered me down until the warm water covered my body; soothing all pain roaming inside me. My eyes fluttered but went right back to Kieran.
He rolled up his sleeves and pulled his slacks up before squatting down and pouring water on my hair. I kept my eyes on him the whole time, on his dry and emotionless expression. Not a single thought in his eyes. I furrowed my eyebrows as I watched him.
What's wrong with him? Why does he look so empty?
A rather uncomfortable and familiar pain throbbed inside of my chest. A pain I've experienced only when I saw how distressed Kieran could get. When he turned sour and cold because of his own head and I didn't know how to help.
The deeper in thought I would get, the more my head would slowly move away. My eyebrows furrowed. Why would I feel that way? I shouldn't have any sympathy for him, he's fucking crazy. I closed my eyes. But...
Water rolling down my face suddenly brought my attention back not only to Kieran but to the situation entirely. First of all, something must've happened for Kieran to act out so randomly. Second of all, I was lying in the bathtub almost naked.
I pulled my legs to my chest and held my body close. God this is embarrassing, you're disgusting Suriah.
I'd pick anything but to be in this situation. Fuck.
My reddened face turned even more red and the humid air didn't help my case at all.
"Put your legs down," Kieran said, yanking me from my embarrassment.
My head snapped up. I almost listened to him but put my hands up.
"I-I can do it by myself," I whispered.
"Suriah," He sighed.
Kieran's head dropped, almost in defeat. My eyes widened at the view before me, it felt like a stab to my heart in a way. Kieran was tired. Tired of me and it was sending my mind into chaos. I extended a shaky hand only to pull it closer to my body. Kieran raised his hands and ran them down his face. Pausing. His eyes opened, staring directly into my soul, through his fingers. Still, not a thing behind those eyes.
He sighed and dropped next to the tub, leaning against the wall.
His eyes stared at nothing yet everything. Those eyes watched whatever he was thinking about intensely, almost forgetting I was even there. My shaking eyes watched his every move hoping to find something, anything.
He raised his legs and dropped his cheek too his knees.
Through all the pain I felt when I moved, I pushed past it and lifted myself out of the bathtub nearly ready to collapse and fall apart.
I need to hold him.
I didn't bother drying myself and knelt down in front of him.
Why do I need to hold him?
"What the hell, Suriah...," He groaned.
Another stab to the heart. That's what that was. I gulped down the pressure in my throat. I was the reason he was so distressed and blank. It was my doing and I'm barely seeing the consequences of my actions. It was beyond hurtful seeing how I made Kieran look this way. Feel this way.
I dropped my shoulders and stared at the floor.
My head slowly moved back up to Kieran, still in the same pose. I pursed my lips and sighed. My hand quietly reached out, stroking pieces of stranded hair. I titled my head to the side and brushed his hair behind his ears. I felt his body stiffen.
I was ready to pull away but my body froze the second his eyes met mine. The cool stare sent chills down my body not from fear but from the dominance they held. And I still couldn't look away.
Kieran leaned back on the wall and let his exhausted eyes fall closed.
I pulled my hand away, staring at it in disappointment. I bit hard on my lip, tasting my bitter metallic blood. My head snapped up at Kieran and before I could think my body moved. No matter how much it hurt, how much I wanted to curl into a ball, my body wanted something else.
I wrapped my arms around Kieran's neck and buried my face in his chest, able to feel and hear his slow heartbeat quicken. I shut my eyes tight enduring the pain striking inside my body mercilessly. Both of our hearts clashed with the others, fighting over who's could be the loudest but I swear anyone could hear mine from a mile away.
I stiffened at Kieran's body slightly moving. I was going to back off but when his cold hand touched my bare back I nearly let out a gasp. His finger grazed my skin until his hand rested on my back. My eyes widened.
Kieran used his hand to pull me into the space between his legs. I still held onto him. One hand rested on my lower back while the other one held my upper back tightly. Kieran pulled me closer and closer, unsatisfied. He wanted to be closer. Kieran buried his face in my neck, causing me to bite down on my lip when I felt his warm breath hit me. My own legs found their way on top of his.
"Suriah," He mumbled, making me bite down even harder on my lip.
I hugged around his neck even tighter, one hand drifting away to hold the back of his head. And there we were locked between each other, not one of us wanting to pull away or even move the slightest. Listening to nothingness but the others thoughts at the same time. If anything, we wanted to be even closer.
Deep inside of me, I felt anger and disappointment. Not towards him but towards myself. Angry, I needed to hold him and embrace him. That fact that after all he did to me, I still wanted to be near him and have him accept me. Disappointed, I needed to have reassurance from him. I never ever wanted anything from him in the beginning. But now, if Kieran was upset or frustrated with me it felt like a fucking knife to the chest. I didn't want to burden him or cause him any trouble.
I wanted nothing but for him to be okay and it felt wrong. Everything felt wrong.
I winced at my thoughts, holding him closer. I shakily breathed out.
"I'm sorry," I whispered to him, "I'm so sorry,".
Kieran squeezed my body tighter, burying his face deeper in my neck.
I'm sorry, Kieran. I really am.