Tommy's POV:
Everything seemed to be moving very slowly. I was standing in the bathroom and I felt really dizzy. I blinked my eyes harshly trying to possibly focus them.
Before I could comprehend my surroundings I was shoved to my knees so I was kneeling infront of the toilet and someone fingers were down my throat. I threw up the half dissolved pills and started coughing.
"Tommy? Can you hear me?" It was dream. I nodded and he hugged me. "It's gonna be fine Tommy. Everything is going to be perfectly fine."
I was sat on the floor, leaning against the shower glass door. I was passed a cup of water and I slowly drank it. Dream sat next to me and rubbed my back slowly as I finished the cup of water. I sighed and placed the cup on the floor. I leaned my head back against the glass and closed my eyes.
"Can you stand up? I want you to go lay down." Dream said
"Maybe, I can try.." I said my voice was clearly distraught. I stood up slowly and supported my body weight against the shower. I stood up fully and dream followed shortly after. He walked with me to my room, making sure I didn't fall on the stairs or in the hall.
I sat down on my bed and he put his hand on my head.
"Get some rest. Don't worry about anything. Me and Everyone else will take care of everything. Please just get some sleep." He said before pulling the blankets up to cover my shoulders and leaving.
"Thank you." I whispered before calmly laying in bed. I couldn't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep for a long time. I just have to wait for it to happen, and sometimes it doesn't and I just pull all nighters.
I closed my eyes and dragged my hands down my face as I let out a sigh.
That didn't just happen.
I took a deep breath and listened to my surroundings. I heard footsteps before my door opened slowly with a creek. I sighed and rolled over. I felt the weight shift on my bed as someone sat down.
"Tom- toms?" It was Tubbo. He was crying. I was hit with a huge wave of guilt as he stuttered through his sentence, despite the fact it was really only one word.
"Yes Tubbo?" I responded quietly and as calmly as I could.
"Why? Why do you keep doing this?" He cried as quietly as he could.
"I don't-" I tried to speak and he cut me off.
"Tommy we all love you. There is no reason to feel alone." He said.
"I know Tubbo. I don't know why I feel like this. I'm really sorry." I said calmly.
"Stop saying sorry. You apologize to much. I don't blame you it's not your fault for feeling sad." Tubbo whipped his face before laying down next to me.
He was still crying as he looked me in the face. I went to reach over and hug him to hopefully make him feel better but before I got the chance he pulled me into a hug.
"Tubbo man don't cry." I said and laughed trying to lighten the mood.
"You stop crying first." He said back and hugged me tighter.
I rested my head against his shoulder and continued to let the tears fall down my face.
"I'm not crying, big men don't cry. " I said
Tubbo let out a small laugh before he put his hand on the back of my head. I wrapped my arms around his torso and pulled him closer.
"Tom's your gonna get my shirt all wet." He laughed and attempted to wipe the tears from my face.
"I don't give a fuck about your shirt." I said and laughed.
I smiled and took in a deep breath before closing my eyes. A few minutes passed if just silence is I listened to the slightly uneven breathing coming from both myself and Tubbo. I could hear tubbos heart beat as we laid down. It was almost as calming as listening to music to try and fall asleep.
Tubbo is such an amazing friend. He knows just how to make anyone feel better just like Ranboo.
As I settled down and was ready to fall asleep I heard him speak in a hushed whisper.
"Tom's?"
"Yes?" I replied just as quietly
"Why do you want to kill yourself?" He said.
I felt as tears from his face fell onto my shoulder.
It took me a few seconds to comprehend the question.
Why did I want to kill myself?
I mean, I have great friends and an okay family.
I have all the fans and privlage I could ask for.
I have a great support system and a half decent mother.
"I- I don't know Tubbo. I just can't take the stress anymore and I've made so many mistakes and I... I just feel like things would be better if I wasn't around.." I said in a whisper. I closed my eyes as many more tears threatened to fall.
Before I could contain it, I started silently sobbing. Tears fell down my face so fast it almost felt like streams of water were being produced from my eyes. Tubbo held me tightly and rubbed my back, I cried into his shoulder.
"Shh Tommy calm down. You need some sleep, alright?" Tubbo whispered to me. I attempted to stop crying but it didn't work and only made it worse.
"Y'know what it's fine. Let it all out man.." Tubbo said after a couple seconds.
-time skip cause I feel lonely :,)-
I opened my eyes only to close them again due to the sun glaring into my eyes from the window. I have no idea why we haven't gotten blinds yet but it's okay.
I opened my eyes again to process my surrounding.
Tubbo
Right
I took a deep breath and smiled. Tubbo was asleep but he still held onto me. I laughed quietly to myself before laying my head back down and trying to relax.
I tried to breath in unison with him, I don't know why so don't ask me, but I almost suffocated. A couple minutes passed before Tubbo shifted around and woke up. I moved away from him and sat up.
I stood up slowly from my bed as I placed my hand on the bedside table. Tubbo stood up from the bed and yawned.
He made his way over to the door and left the room. I sighed and stretched my arms over my head. I heard shuffling from the other side of the room and saw as Ranboo sat up in bed.
"Oh hey," he yawned "good morning Tommy.." He gave me a weak smile before laying back down.
"Good morning. it's pretty late for it to be morning, you should get up mate." I said
"Nah I don't feel like it right now maybe later." He responded.
"Alright. I'll see you later." I said and smiled before leaving the room. Ranboo's usually up and about by now.
He probably just was up late last night or he's just tired from content and stuff. I sighed and walked downstairs. My brain fell blank as I was asked how I was doing by various people before it hit me.
God damn it I did it again
How could I be so stupid
Another attempt?
A failed one at that
I'm such a failure I can't even die right
I sat in the living room and yawned.
"Tommy come get lunch." I heard Phil say. I stood up and walked to the table.
I sat down and picked at my food before eating some of it. I felt completely out of energy and my face felt all puffy.
After eating half of the plate i rubbed my eyes and sighed quietly
"May I be excused?" I asked.
"Of corse Tommy." Phil replied
I stood up from the table and picked up my dish before wrapping it up with some cling wrap, saving it for later. I left and went back up to my room. I sat down calmly on my bed.
"Hey tom's."
I jumped slightly before looking over and seeing Ranboo.
"I forgot that you were in here." I laughed a bit and he sat up in his bed.
"Heh, it's whatever dude. How have you been?" He laughed slightly before asking the question.
"I've been alight, y'know just the typical stuff and whatever."
Ranboo gave me a worried smile before taking a deep breath and yawning.
"Do you wanna stream on my channel? I think we could just hang out or something, probably play some Minecraft. I know Wil said to take a break, but y'know, he can't stop us." Ranboo laughed and stood up.
"Yeah sure man." I said and walked over to the computers we had set up in our room.
Ranboo set up his stream quickly and booted up Minecraft. I opened my Minecraft and fixed my mic despite the fact I don't really need it seeing as I am right next Ranboo.
"If you want me to end stream at anytime just dm and I'll end, alright?" He said and I agreed.
Ranboo started up stream and welcomed all the viewers before I spoke and welcomed them as well.
Me and Ranboo messed around on the smp for a while before starting a random world and messing around in that one as well. We made jokes and laughed and killed each other, all the fun stuff.
It had been maybe 30 minutes maybe 45 before someone opened the door.
"Tommy I already told you-" Wilbur said as he walked in
"Come on Wil, I'm streaming with him okay it's no big deal it'll be fine." Ranboo said cutting him off.
"Ranboo mute yourself, now." Wil said and Ranboo complied.
"What do you want Wil, we are just trying to have fun." I said
"Tommy, we talked about this. I want you to take a break from being anywhere near the internet. For fucks sake you tried to kill your self last night and let's not even bring up the exacto knife situation! Your not getting better, that was the deal. You show me that you are getting better then you can go on streams again." Wil finished
"I don't care let me have this one time alright! Then I won't do anymore for a while." I said. I was still a little bit pissed at Wilbur for what he did yesterday but I don't blame him fully. He clearly was acting on impulse me from pure anger.
I was also wrong for saying what I said and I know that. I was also acting on impulse and it was just a bad situation for the both of us.
"Fine Tommy" Wilbur said and left the room.
I sighed and both me and Ranboo got back into stream mode. I glanced over at chat to see what people were saying.
Username69: Ranboo really just 🐐🐐🐐🐐 to mute
Lolurmom: awkward
Amougusballs: clip channels are going crazy rn
I looked at chat in pure confusion.
"Chat what are you on about?" I said and Ranboo leaned over slightly to read chat clearly.
"What do you mean I didn't mute, chat stop messing with me, I pressed the mute button." Ranboo said and laughed a little bit before we both went back to the game.
After about an hour Ranboo ended stream and we both went over to lay down in our separate beds.
I opened my phone and searched YouTube for any kind of entertainment when my eyes fell on one of those clickbate clip channels.
In bold red font I read "he did what??" And a photo of me from the stream that ended only a few minutes ago. The title of the video was "Ranboo forgets to mute on stream (real)" I laugh and click on the video and began watching.
I started off with Wilbur walking in. He said to mute and you can hear Ranboo click a key on his keyboard. That id assume is set to mute his stream. A button that we all have. I continued the video and the audio coming from the stream clip didn't stop.
You can clearly hear what wil said and everything else. I felt my heart rate pick up as the video finished.
"Ran-" my hands shook as my brain was going through a spiraling like sensation.
"Yeah? What's wrong Tommy?" He replied. I clenched my eyes shut and I set my phone down. My hands continued to shake as I took deep breaths.
"Tommy?" Ranboo repeated himself
"Ranboo, you- you didn't- mute." My voice shook through the sentence as a shocked and concerned look washed over Ranboos face.
At this point my eyes had gone blurry and tears were streaming down my face.
"Ranboo." I said "they... they all know." I finished my statement shakily in a quite voice. The room felt like it was spinning and I felt really nauseous. Ranboo stood up from his bed and sat on the edge of mine.
"Tommy calm down. It's gonna be okay alright. I need you to lay down." He spoke calmly and quietly as he pushed on my shoulder. I eventually fell over onto my pillows and he covered me in my blankets.
I felt my chest tightening as I tried to calm down at the thought of this. They never were supposed to know. I watched Ranboo move over and sit on his bed. He still kept an eye on me.
"Ran, I- I can't breathe." I said quietly. It almost sounded like I hadn't spoken at all but Ranboo sure as hell heard me. He stood back up and kneeled to the side of my bed so he was eye level with me.
Ranboo grabbed a hold of my shoulder.
"Tommy everything is going to be okay. Um um- I'll be right back I need to go get someone to help okay. Just keep trying." Ranboo stood up quickly.
"Im- I'm scared.." I said and exhaled harshly.
"I promise your gonna be fine I'll be right back." With that Ranboo left and I continued to lay on my bed and hope that I don't pass out. It had been way less than a minute before I heard running and then the door was pulled frantically open.
"Tommy? Can you hear me?" It was Karl. I nodded. "What's wrong?" I opened my mouth to respond but I couldn't.
"I don't know specifically but on stream something happened and I can't explain it all right now but he said he can't breath and he's scared and now I'm scared and I don't know what to do Karl." Ranboo said quickly. I could hear that Ranboo was crying and I felt more guilt crawl inside of my stomach. I started crying more and choking on sobs as my lungs tried to close off my air ways.
Karl pulled me to sit up and had me try to breathe. After a few minutes I was taking breaths that could actually be qualified as breathing as I calmed down. Ranboo sat on the edge of my bed and rubbed my back while Karl was sat infront of me on the bed.
How could I let this happen.
———————————————————-
Word count: 2569
Dang a long one. Anyways I'm trying to upload but like I said I'm still at my atl and I'm struggling to get out of bed.
Random stuff is that this fanfic is based closely to some experiences I've had. Specifically some conversations are based on real ones I've had. Most of this fanfic is random things I want to do and mostly intrusive thoughts.
I hope you all are doing well. I've also been trying to make characters speak more British if they are British and less like a southerner from America. I grew up in the south states of America so y'know im sorry about that.
On another note my friend gave me a binder and I've been feeling great. Have a good day or night :))))