"So, to recap to ensure that I have everything correct. Alec delved into his Parabatai rune using a stone Jocelyn provided to find Jace, but is now trapped in the bond. And in response, you brought a Warlock into the Institute to try and wake him, but it hasn't worked because Alec needs his Parabatai, needs Jace, to wake. Did I miss anything?"
Aldertree stands behind his desk, a deep scowl on his face as he looks down to me sat in the chair opposite. I can't tell whether he's angry about the part I played, or the fact this all happened without him realising. I've discovered that it's been a whole twenty four hours now since Alec got stuck in the bond, and apparently Raj has been trying to find me that whole time. They thought I ran, yet here I remain. And I'm struggling to tell what annoys Aldertree more. That I let a Warlock in without him realising, or that Raj had failed to check Alec's bedroom.
"No, that is correct."
As soon as I walked through Aldertree's office door ten minutes ago, Raj had been summoned. And almost instantly he was sent to watch over Magnus. I'm just praying that the bastard isn't giving Magnus grief.
"You should have informed me of this sooner. You should have asked to bring Magnus into the Institute. Instead, you snuck him in, knowing it was against rules. Are you trying to give me an excuse to take your runes?" Aldertree seethes.
My hands shake on my lap and I reply, "I'll be honest, there were no thoughts. I saw Alec have a seizure and I needed someone to heal him. I phoned Magnus and he came. I didn't sneak him in, I didn't even move for what I'm sure were hours. He arrived and he's been doing everything he can for Alec since."
"And why is it I find you here now?" He asks and I can hear the how unconvinced he is.
"I want Alec to have the best help he can get, and I hope you do, too. So," I take a breath, not needing to act about how scared I feel right now. "I'm here to beg you to allow Magnus to stay, allow him to help Alec."
I don't think I've begged as much as I have these past twenty four hours. But I don't care about holding onto my pride. Alec is all I care about. Aldertree watches me closely; maybe he's trying to figure out if this is all a trick, a clever play to do one on him. But he must see how genuine my plea is because he releases a heavy sigh and sinks into his seat.
"He can stay with Raj keeping an eye. But I'm not happy. Alec went against my orders, I ordered him off the hunt for Jace, yet here we find ourselves."
"Thank you," I breathe as if I was holding my breath. "Thank you." I have to cup my face as tears leave my eyes. I don't want Aldertree to see me cry, that's a new low I'm not ready to hit.
"Don't thank me yet," Aldertree says. I wipe my eyes before I lift my gaze to him. His face remains stern. He is beyond pissed. "I believe that you want the best for Alec, but I have told you before: I can't trust you. And I don't trust that you will be truthful if Jace does appear."
"So... what does that mean?" I ask quietly.
"I think it is best for you to remain away from them. That way you won't be tempted to do anything that will cost you your runes."
My stomach drops and panic hits me harder than his words. He wants me to remain away from Alec when he could slip away at any point. He wants me to stay away and risk his final moments. Tears well in my eyes again as I stare at Aldertree.
"Please," my voice trembles, "please let me stay with him. I-I won't move from his side, I won't speak with anyone. Please, just... let me stay with him."
Aldertree purses his lips as he watches me break before him. But he shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, Maelys. But I can't allow that. You will remain in your room until I say otherwise. If I find you elsewhere, you will be deruned. Do I make myself clear?"
My throat hurts from holding back the sob that is desperate to leave. Though I find it within me to nod and I stand. Every limb shakes, but I manage to get my legs to move. If I stay here for a second longer, I will breakdown in front of Aldertree. And that is something I refuse to do. I stumble out of Aldertree's office and I rush to my room as fast as I can.
I turn each corner and my vision becomes blurrier with each step I take as tears take over. I don't acknowledge anyone I pass, but I notice when their gaze moves to me. I think if my world wasn't imploding in on itself right now I would care about how I look to them. However, their opinions on me mean nothing.
As soon as I reach my room, I throw myself in, slamming the door behind me. I take a breath, and then another, and another. Each one growing shorter and erratic. I have never felt so hopeless in my entire life. I'm stuck doing nothing whilst everyone I love is suffering.
A sob wracks through my body and I'm falling to the ground. My knees hit the ground roughly, yet I feel no pain from the impact. All I am is this deep agony in my chest. And there is nothing I can do about it.
And so, I cry. And cry, and cry. A never ending stream of tears falling onto the wooden floor below me.
------
It took two hours and twenty three minutes for me to stop crying. I know that because all I have to do is stare at the stupid alarm clock on my bedside table. I then fell asleep for an hour and six minutes. And I have spent every minute since I awoke from the nightmare of Valentine staring at my bedroom door. All eight hours and forty seven minutes.
Twelve hours and twenty six minutes of nothing. No word of Alec, no message of Jace. No sign that Izzy has fixed everything like she promised.
This is the worst kind of torture.
My hands are shaking uncontrollably against my lips as I lean against the wall, my eyes still locked on the door. The need for Yinfen hasn't struck me like this since before I got clean, and I hate that I'm back here. I'm back to feeling so useless without it. After everything I've fought through, everything craving I battled through to remove it's control on me means nothing. It was all for nothing.
The bedroom door opens and I'm on my feet instantly. My heart beats harder and hope begins to rise, and surprisingly it doesn't fade when I see Aldertree. What reasoning does he have to come here if not to say Alec is awake?
Aldertree meets my gaze, his expression so stoic that I think I might vomit from anticipation. I just need him to tell me that Alec is okay, that he is alive. I don't care if he forces me away from him, I just need to know.
Though as soon as Aldertree speaks a sudden heaviness drops onto my shoulders. My sweaty palms press against the wall to keep me on my feet.
"There's been a demon sighting which I need you to deal with," he says.
"Alec?" I ask, my voice wavering. Aldertree purses his lips and after a moment he shakes his head.
"He hasn't woken," he answers. My eyes close and I sink into the wall. The world seems to spin around me and I struggle to breathe. This is too much. I just need Alec.
Aldertree steps into my room and I shake my head, willing everything to stop for just a second. I inhale deeply and look up to meet his eye. I swallow the lump in my throat and take another breath to calm my racing heart.
"With most of our Shadowhunters searching for Jace, I don't want to waste one on this mission," he tells me.
"I wouldn't want you to waste a Shadowhunter," I mumble sarcastically. Aldertree crosses his arms and frowns at me.
"I'm giving you an opportunity to go on mission without someone watching over you. I would cut the sarcasm if I were you." Aldertree gives me a pointed look.
"You truly trust me enough to go alone?"
"You will gain my trust if all goes well. And," he says uncrossing his arms, "I believe you need a distraction."
"You're right," I sigh. "So, what do you need me to do?"
------
The mission was simple and over way too quickly. Fifteen demons dead in a matter of minutes and not a single scratch on me. I understand why he didn't want to waste an active Shadowhunter on this job. It was an easy, almost boring task, yet something that has to be done to ensure control. But I wanted the mission to be longer, more physically draining to bring on a sweat. But it wasn't and now I'm left feeling the need for something more.
Aldertree gave me clear instructions: kill the demons and return to the Institute. Which is something I planned to comply to. Even though my skin itches, even though I have a kink in my neck that doesn't seem to ease no matter how I tilt my head. My plan was to return straight away. But then my feet started moving in the opposite direction and my body began trembling more and more.
Which is why I find myself here. I can't remember taking the turns to get here, yet here I am. Standing in the dank alleyway that I used to find myself in every day last year in search for Yinfen. My hands are shaking by my sides and my mouth has grown dry. The cracks in the brick walls are the same as before, however they now seem to be home dark moss. It does nothing to help with the smell. Yet it's that very smell that reminds me how badly I'm shaking; it reminds me about why I used to come here.
The sound from the road has me turning to every noise I hear. Conversations from passing Mundanes, cars driving past, I'm jumping at each sound as if I'm a kid doing something I know I shouldn't. It's because I know I shouldn't be here. I should be as far away as possible. However, I can't stop my feet from taking me deeper into the alleyway.
My eyes darts around the stone and brick trying to locate someone. They used to be here, sometimes they'd lurk in the shadows as if they were hiding from everyone but me. Though this time I seem to be alone. My lips quiver as I study each shadow and crevice, desperate for someone to appear.
A stone skitters over the pavement and my body jerks towards the noise. A figure appears at the end of the alleyway and my breath catches in my throat. My fingers twitch, curling and uncurling into fists by my side, and I take a hesitant step forward. I swallow my emotions and my lips part, ready to speak out. Yet my words leave me when the figure steps out of the shadows so that I can see their face clearly.
"Mae? What are you doing here? Are you okay?" Simon asks walking to me quickly.
"I-"
Simon reaches me and his eyes scan my face, taking in every twitch and every bead of sweat that covers my skin. It only takes a second of him studying my appearance for his features to soften, a face of pity morphing.
"Why don't we go somewhere else, yeah?" Simon suggests. He doesn't touch me and he doesn't close the distance between us, keeping a couple of feet away. But he angles his body to guide me out of the alleyway. A soft, embarrassed whimper slips past my lips, but I follow him. He doesn't say a word as we walk, but he continues to shoot me small, reassuring smiles which make me feel worse about the whole ordeal.
We make it out of the alleyway and Simon stops a couple of feet away. I don't meet his eye, too embarrassed about what I tried to do. He releases a soft sigh and I hear his feet shuffle against the pavement.
"Raphael has put a stop to a lot of the illegal dens," Simon tells me. "He started with the ones you used to go to."
"What are you doing here, Simon?" I ask finally lifting my gaze to meet his. My voice is shaky and I can feel the tears lining my eyes, yet I muster every ounce of strength I have and put it into that sentence.
"I live two minutes from here. I saw you passing my house," he says.
"Oh," I mutter. Yeah... that would do it. I keep my eyes on him as he searches for an answer to why I'm here, but before he or I can say anything else, the tears fall. I tried to push them away, but nothing works to stop them. I cry in front of him, unable to even lift my hands to hide my face. Simon hesitates, but after thinking it through he closes the distance and pulls me into a tight embrace.
I seem to cry harder when I'm in his arms and I bury my head into his shoulder. He rubs my back, resting his chin on the top of my head, and the comfort I gain from him threatens to cause my knees to buckle.
Simon lets me cry until my eyes begin to dry, and only then do I pull back sniffing. As soon as my arms are away from him, Simon takes a step away, creating the distance again. I can't tell if he ensures there's space between us to stop him from being tempted to bite me, or to stop my temptation to ask. Either way I'm grateful for it.
"I'm sorry," I say as I wipe my face with the back of my hand.
"It's okay. You're okay," he says gently. I shake my head and inhale a shaky breath.
"Alec, he-," I sniff. "he was trying to find Jace through his Parabatai rune, and..." I wipe my face as more tears form.
"Is he okay?" Simon asks. I shake my head again.
"No. He's stuck, and he can't wake up without Jace. But Aldertree isn't letting me near any of them, so I don't know if they've found Jace, and I don't know how long Alec has."
"Mae, you-" Simon starts, but I cut him off.
"I know, I know. But I can't think straight, I can't handle this, and I always seemed to be able to deal with anything with Yinfen."
"I wasn't going to say anything about that," Simon says which stops every excuse in my mind. "You know deep down that you don't need it, you don't need me to tell you that."
I did need him to tell me that.
"I was going to tell you that Clary was with me just over an hour ago and she left pretty quickly. I think she was on the phone to someone," he says.
"Do you think that's a good sign?" I ask him to which he shrugs.
"It must be, right? I mean, Clary and Izzy are the kind of people who always get their way," he says, letting a lazy smile tug at his lips. A small laugh bubbles out of me which surprises both me and Simon. However, I just couldn't help myself. Not when he said a slight to Clary.
"I wouldn't say that to Izzy if I were you," I say wiping my face to remove the final couple of tears, "she might not agree with you."
"I'll keep that in mind." His smile slips and he clears his throat. "Would you like me to walk you back to the Institute? Or are you supposed to be doing something else that I could help you with?"
I purse my lips and look away. I don't like that Simon feels like he has to chaperone me, but it's not that I blame him. He did just find me in an alleyway looking for a hit. Simon must see where my mind is going because he lets his smile return.
"You've been there when I've needed someone. You've gotta give me a chance," he says. I look at him and I find my smile returning. I've decided that Simon has one of those faces that can make anyone smile, and I'm so thankful for it. He's able to pull me out of my despair without any effort.
"Thank you," I say quietly and his grin widens. We start walking down the road towards the Institute, a healthy gap still remaining between me and the Vampire.
"Don't thank me yet. You just got slummed into listening to my ten minute rant about Raphael," he says.
I glance to him and say, "I think it's at least a fifteen minute walk."
"Even better. Because Raphael sucks. Like, he's the biggest asshole I've ever met."
After listening to Simon rant about Raphael for the entire walk back to the Institute, a smile had firmly taken its place on my face. And, surprisingly, it remains when I return to Aldertree's office to tell him how the mission went. He nods at my report and ushers me away quickly, and so I head back to my room.
I glance around as I walk through the ops centre, needing to know if Izzy has made any progress. But I don't see her, or Clary. In fact, there's hardly anyone here. My steps slow, though they don't stop. I don't want to give Aldertree a reason to take my runes.
Something must be happening. It has to be with so little people here. It would also explain why Aldertree dismissed me so quickly. Maybe Simon is right. Maybe Izzy and Clary have figured it out.
I make my way out of the ops centre and towards my room. My smile leaves me as my eyes dart down each corridor expecting to see someone. Yet no one is there. There should be at least one person. Surely just one.
My mind stops completely and every care falls away when sudden agony ripples through me. My breath stops, my heart stops. Everything freezes as the pain consumes me. Tears fill my eyes as my hand drifts down to my Parabatai rune. My vision becomes blurred as another wave of anguish floods through me from Izzy. I don't want to think about why she's feeling like this. I don't want to even entertain what this means.
Pain hits me again from my Parabatai rune and I have to shut it off. I block her pain away as the world around me swirls. I fall into the wall and a scream tears out of me. I've never felt pain like that from Izzy and it can only mean one thing. But Alec can't be gone. He can't have slipped away. I need him to be alive, I need to be able to hold him.
I need him. I need him. I need him.
Another scream leaves me as I sob against the wall. My body convulses as I wail and my feet give way below me. I hit the ground hard, but that's not my greatest pain. Alec being gone is destroying me.
I have so many things I need to say to him. There are so many things I want to do with him.
My cries grow more and more erratic as I think about Alec. My body curls in on itself against the wall. I don't care that anyone could walk around the corner and see me. And I don't care that I'm not in my room like I was told. I stay collapsed on the ground and I cry.
And cry, and cry, and cry.
------
I don't know at what point people started returning to the Institute, but the more tears I shed the more people seem to appear. Not one stops to check if I'm okay, not that I'd given them the time of day either. How could I after what's happened?'
Every inch of me is in pure agony. My heartbreak has completely shattered me. I didn't realise that I had the tears in me. I was sure that after all the crying I've done I would have run out. But I haven't. They still flow, though now they're accompanied by a mind-splitting headache. I know that I should move. I should pick myself off the floor and retreat to my room. But I have no energy and no will to even move a finger. I don't even think I could pick myself off the floor if I tried.
All sound around me is muffled. If I tried I might be able to focus on each noise, but I can't bring myself to even try. I can't even bring myself to uncurl my body. I just sit with my arms over my head, chin to chest, and head to knees.
There's a shuffle of feet as another Shadowhunter goes to pass me. They say something to me. I only know that because the muffled noise sounds louder than footsteps. I don't react. But then I feel a hand on my arm and I jump.
My body jerks back into the wall further than I thought was possible. My eyes are wide and I can feel how swollen they are, and I know that there must be something else wrong with them. Because they land on Alec. He is crouched in front of me, a concerned expression on his face. And very much alive.
"I-I felt Izzy. I felt-" My voice is hoarse from crying. My hand floats to my Parabatai rune and I let Izzy's emotions float in again. I can sense her guilt about something, but it's relief that confirms that what I'm seeing is real. Alec really is here. He really is crouched in front of me. He really is alive.
"I'm okay," Alec says. His voice croaks slightly no doubt because he hasn't used his voice in over a day.
I stare at him, my eyes scanning his face, and then his shoulders, and then his arms. Needing to make sure that every single part of him is intact. And when I'm sure. Only when I'm certain that he is okay do I spring towards Alec. His eyes go wide in shock as I knock him to the floor, my body straddling his, and I hit him on the arm.
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you," I repeat over and over again. I continue to hit him, but each punch is weak. I know that they are causing absolutely no pain to him which both infuriates me and puts my mind at ease.
I continue to shout at him, but each time I say that I hate him it becomes less convincing. More tears fall and my punches cease as a sob wracks through me.
"I hate you." My voice breaks and my shoulders shake as my crying becomes too much. Alec sits up instantly and wraps his arms around me. He guides my head into the crook of his neck and he holds me as I cry.
"I'm sorry, Maelys. I'm so, so sorry," Alec breathes into my ear. He holds onto me tightly and I bury myself further into his body, inhaling his scent between every burst of tears. It feels surreal to be in his arms, to smell him. And the thought that I almost went without ever doing those things again sets me off, and I weep even harder than before. But Alec doesn't pull away. He keeps a tight hold on me, whispering words of comfort in my ear.
And even though I'm crying, even though I'm internally screaming words of hatred to Alec for what he put me through. I open my Parabatai bond and send so much love to Izzy. She did as she promised, she fixed everything. And I don't think my love for her will ever be enough.