~°°°~
Walking through the endless abyss
Suppressing all the desires
Suffering through the bitter pain
Seeing all the efforts fade in vain
And then the sense of defeat
That you can't even compete
It wasn't a battle meant to lose
How did it turn out
A war you'd lose
And not just anything
The most precious thing
It wasn't supposed to be
Yet it turned out like that
How and when?
I ask my heart
Now and then
When did I betray you?
Or was it me
Who was betrayed?
Where's the forgotten desire?
The desire of revenge
The desire to avenge
~°°°~
She took slow steps upstairs. The floor looked like it hadbeen used rarely. She herself had never seen this corridor before. It was her first time coming here.
She sighed softly. No matter how scared and nervous she was, she had to see him. She had to see him with her eyes to be relieved that he was fine.
She hoped he hadn't done anything reckless.
Hadn't harmed himself.
He had locked himself up for two whole days and three nights. Wasn't it enough now?
Why wasn't he coming out?
Her heart ached at the memory of that night . His devastated and disheveled state had emotionally effected her. She felt so helpless that she wasn't able to pull his pain away.
Why would her heart hurt at seeing him quiver in pain?
Why would her heart bother worrying for him?
Why would she pray for the welfare of her tormentor?
She had no answer to these questions. She didn't even know herself why was she so concerned about him, that even after Nudrat apa and housemaids forbid her to go upstairs in this part of the house and not to see him until he comes out himself, she just couldn't help it.
Why was that she was feeling a spiritual connection towards him?
As if some invisible strings were attached from his soul connecting it to her soul making her feel all the agony he was going through.
She didn't know why. She couldn't understand why. She didn't want to know either. She just wanted to relieve the pain in her chest. She just wanted to make sure if he was fine and not hurt.
She just wanted to sooth the burning fire in her heart.
Taking the last steps towards the chocolate brown dark and large double doors that looked too majestic, she fisted her quivering palms and closed her eyes.
She took deep breaths.
"That portion is forbidden Inaya baji. Don't even think about stepping near it. Zaviar bhai would never allow it. He hates it when anyone approaches that corridor or even steps in it. He himself dusts that room. Nobody is allowed to enter it".
Iffat's words echoed at the back of her head.
"Don't worry, Zaviar bhai comes out once he has calmed down. He'll be out soon. Don't worry".
Sana's voice echoed this time. Her words replaying in her head.
She immediately opened her eyes.
Three nights.
The man hadbeen in this room for past three nights and two days. Still hadn't come out.
He hadn't eaten anything.
She didn't even know if he had even drank any water or if he even had some of it in there.
His condition that night. Those quivering lashes, shaking frame, crystal tears, painful sobs.
Inaya let out a shaky sigh.
She won't leave.
She'd never.
She'll face the consequences. She'll leave only after making sure he's fine.
She raised her tiny slender palm towards the silver knob.
Exhaling another shaky sigh and encouraging her scared self, she pushed it open with a twist.
A startled gasp left her lips and eyes widened a bit finding the doors unlocked.
If the room was very private and forbidden for others to enter, than why did he even left it open?
Anybody could enter whenever they wanted.
How strange?
She held the knob tightly for few seconds before pushing the door open with one swift move.
Darkness.
Eerie darkness was what welcomed her.
She also felt a soft sweet yet faint scent of something hitting her nose. What was it?
She had to immediately halt and blink her eyes and narrow them to adjust her vision to darkness.
She softly closed the door behind and moved her hand across the back wall to find any switch.
She couldn't find it.
A small tick sounded as her elbow collided with something.
She turned startled and stretched her hand trying to feel the thing in which she bumped into.
Was it a lamp?
She tried to find a button and thankfully after few tries , her fingers touched something and with a tick, the yellow faint light illuminated the small portion of the dark room.
Inaya turned only to be left startled.
It wasn't a room. It seemed like a whole hall.
It was the largest bedroom she had seen in the whole mansion till now.
Extravagant and so well embellished, it seemed like a whole royal suite.
Like those in castles.
The red carpets, golden chandeliers, the grand golden wood canopy of the bed, the antique vases, the antique styled red and black furniture. Paintings and.....
Were they pictures?
Inaya's orbs squinted in confusion as she gazed ahead at the wall.
The faint light wasn't reaching the wall, so the pictures appeared a little darker looking a little creepy and scary, like those in horror movies.
However, Inaya was too curious to be scared.
She took soft steps towards the wall.
Upon reaching it she stopped and raised her head to look at the paintings.
Her light purple hoodie and light blue jeans clad frame looked darker under the faint light of lamp that was barely reaching the corner where she stood.
Inaya squinted her eyes and tried to focus on the huge painting at the dark corner, even the faint light was not successful in approaching it.
After few seconds, her eyes became adjusted to the shadowy darkness and she somehow made out that it was an old picture.
Atleast more than a decade older due to the black and white colours in the picture.
She could see a woman with extremely long hair standing beside a man who was a little too taller than her and his head above his shoulder was completely covered in darkness since extremely faint light was falling on lower half of the photo.
The woman was giving a full blown smile, her dimples deepening in her pale cheeks, the white traditional dress clad her beautiful delicate frame. The white net dupatta draped over her shoulders. Inaya didn't know why but the woman in the picture seemed familiar.
She couldn't see the face of the man beside her. However, she did point out his hand that was resting on the woman's shoulder.
Inaya's eyebrows furrowed more in confusion.
She raised her head to other side only to find that the whole wall was somehow covered in pictures of the same black and white color enclosed in black bordered frames.
She moved towards the second picture.
It was of a woman. The earlier one she saw before. She was laughing in the picture and had a small baby raised which she was hugging.
Inaya could only see the baby's back due to the position he was hugging his mother. He seemed barely a year or two old.
The faint light from lamp was making the picture come to life, illuminating the dark orbs in the picture as if the person herself was standing in front of Inaya and looking at her with beaming joy.
Inaya turned to walk towards other pictures when immediately something softly churned under her slippers clad feet.
Inaya immediately lowered her head and shook her feet abruptly throwing the slippers away thinking the soft thing that had touched her feet was some rat and was about to shout when her eyes caught the thing illuminated lightly in the faint light. She lowered herself and sat on her knees to see what it was.
Once her hand came in contact with them, she quivered internally.
Roses.
Blood red roses.
Few red roses were scattered down.
So this was the scent that had hit her nose the moment she entered.
The soft sweet scent of roses.
She saw the carpet around her filled with red Petals as if somebody had brutally destroyed the roses and thrown them on the carpet.
Inaya didn't know why she felt sudden emotion rush in her heart.
Was it fear?
Was it because of the creepy atmosphere or presence of red roses?
Was it the eerie scary darkness?
She felt shivers running down her spine.
Immediately she stood up on her feet.
The air suddenly felt too overwhelming.
She shouldn't have come here in the first place.
She turned abrubtly to walk towards the door when she was roughly pushed back into the wall making her back hit the cold wall so violently that she let out a whimper in pain feeling that a bruise would be formed on her back.
But that wasn't the end.
Her face paled and a soft shriek left her lips when she felt a hand roughly grabbing her neck, not enough to suffocate her, but not gentle either that she won't feel the pain.
She felt the fingers digging into her neck causing her eyes to fill up with tears.
Damn this darkness!
The corner she hadbeen pulled in was too dark.
She couldn't see who it was but she did feel someone breathing raggedly very near her.
Inaya raised her fingers trying to wriggle from the hold, she tried to pry the hand away but couldn't.
Her eyes had been completely filled up with tears now.
"How dare you enter dammit"?!!!
The loud growl not only caused goosebumps to invade her skin, but also made her eyes widen and her fingers on his hand holding her neck halt.
The light scent of sandalwood and forest hit her nostrils.
He was breathing raggedy.
His growl still echoing in the cold air.
Inaya let out a shaky breath.
It was him. It was Zaviar.
But it wasn't actually him either.
He seemed like a completely different person.
He seemed possessed.
The growl in his tone, the raw anger and rage emmiting from his tone and towering frame.
Inaya just realized that his hand around her neck was shaking ever so slightly.
She wouldn't have observed it if she wasn't paying attention.
Her own heart thudded loudly.
Zaviar Shah seemed like an enraged wild lion at the time. The worst of all, she had ever seen him.
Enraged and furious beyond Inaya ever imagined he could be.
Inaya doubted if he was the man she knew before.
If he was the Zaviar Shah she was familiar to.
This Zaviar Shah was scary. Too scary.
It was difficult for Inaya to bear this side of him.
She was scared beyond any limit, to an extent that her tongue didn't dare utter a single word.
"Dammit! Answer"!!!
Another growl and she felt him tightening his hold on her neck making her wince in pain.
Her hand involuntarily made its way from his hand to his chest. She tried pushing his tall frame away.
He seemed too close. His breath hitting her forehead.
Inaya felt the pain increase and she couldn't bear it anymore.
She gathered all the strength she had in her and whimpered,
"Z-Zaviar".
It was a low faint whisper. Lower than a murmur. Almost inaudible.
Yet it reached his ears.
Inaya immediately felt the hold loosen.
However he didn't remove his hand from her neck nor did he step back.
Inaya was taking ragged breaths. Her heart thudding in fear. Her insides churning and quivering. Her sparkly teary orbs tightly shut curtaining her eyes from him.
She waited for him to move back but he didn't.
She waited for him to remove his hand from her neck but he didn't.
"Why did you come here"?
His deep voice echoed, not louder than a whisper but she heard it. She felt his warm breath near her forehead and nose bridge.
With great difficulty, Inaya opened her orbs.
Her teary orbs met his Hazel ones that looked almost dark black under the faint light of the lamp.
She blinked softly trying to adjust her vision to make out his features but all she saw were those dark orbs shining faintly. She couldn't make out his features even from this close.
It was too dark.
She was still pressed to the wall. Her back aching as hell due to the shove.
She shakily let out a breath feeling his cold hand on her neck.
"T-to see y-you".
The words came out as a quivering stutter when she felt his cold fingers caress her neck ever so slightly.
Inaya's frame quivered at his touch and he didn't fail to notice it.
Fear engulfed her heart again seeing him not removing his hand from her neck.
"Why"?
He asked again without stepping back.
His voice low yet deep.
Inaya raised her eyes and looked at him.
His eyes up this close glittered like stars. Sparkly as nightsky.
"I w-was w-worried".
She completed with great difficulty.
She felt his cold fingertip trace her jaw ever so slightly making her whole frame quiver again.
He sensed it but again, he didn't step back.
It scared Inaya. It scared her to her core.
He never did this.
Never.
He always stepped back and withdrew whenever she quivered under his touch.
He didn't this time.
He didn't.
Inaya lowered her gaze. She couldn't meet his orbs. Her heart quivering like an autumn leaf.
A soft snicker left his lips causing goosebumps to rise on her skin,
"Worried? You're worried for me"?
It seemed like he found it amusing and funny at the same time.
He softly snickered again.
His aura, his behavior, his actions.
It didn't take Inaya longer to realize that this Zaviar Shah was different. It was as if he wasn't in his senses. As if he was bearing a trauma. As if his brain was working differently.
Maybe he himself didn't know what he was doing.
Inaya couldn't get anymore scared than she already was.
Her legs felt weak.
Her whole frame quivering lightly.
"Didn't they warn you"?
She felt his cold fingertip moving towards her chin and raising it as if forcing her to look at him.
Inaya was too scared to even open her eyes,
"Th-they did".
She replied with great difficulty.
"Than why did you come"?
He asked again. His voice soft yet a strange warning edged it.
She couldn't reply. Her throat had turned dry. She was too scared to even open her eyes and look at him.
Vocal cords refused to cooperate.
She felt him hold her chin in between his thumb and index finger.
Inaya internally quivered.
"Than why did you come Inaya"?
His warm breath hit her forehead again.
Inaya shut her eyes more tighter.
Unintentionally, she hadn't still removed her hand from his chest.
Involuntarily, she had fisted his shirt in a tight death like grip as if holding onto it for her dear life.
"You little idiot, you shouldn't have come".
Amusement laced his tone this time.
Inaya opened her eyes in confusion and surprise at his playful tone . However the predatory, cruel and dark glint in his eyes made her flinch in horror.
"The moment I let you go, leave. It'll be for your own good".
His tone shifted whole 180 degrees and this time he clearly warned her in a chilling tone freezing Inaya to her bones.
She stood there petrified.
What had just happened to him?
Every second that ticked by seemed like the seconds ticking by on the watch of the time bomb.
She looked at his frame with widened eyes.
His dark orbs looking darker than the night as he kept gazing at her . The chilling intensity and vengeance in them glinted causing shivers to run down her spine.
And than, after few seconds, he let her neck go and stepped back giving her enough space to run.
Now since he had stepped back, the lamp's light fell on his frame illuminating it.
His white shirt looked disheveled and creased. The top two buttons left open. Sleeves folded till elbows, hair a disheveled mess. Eyes seemed bloodshot, almost psychotic. Face pale, almost ashen.
He seemed like a ghost, a ghost of this creepy room.
He looked like a part of it.
Inaya was horrified. Horrified to an extent that her brain wasn't coordinating with her body.
Her limbs wouldn't move even if she begged them to.
She stood there frozen in her steps looking at his frame with her wide scared orbs.
"Leave"!!
He growled this time. His voice stern.
Inaya whimpered softly.
Why wouldn't her feet move. What on Earth was even happening to her?
She felt her whole frame quiver in fear. Her lashes quivered.
She wanted to run away from his sight so badly but couldn't.
Her limbs seemed lifeless.
"LEAVE INAYA SHAH! Leave before I do something I'll regret later"!!
His eyes held murderous glint.
Inaya resisted the urge to faint.
Her whole body was in tremors.
She was scared and petrified to the core.
She saw him turning and grabbing his hair in tight grip. He was taking deep breaths as if to calm his rage.
"Aahh"!!!
He growled lowering a bit and harshly throwing the glass table with glass vases on it, on the wall smashing the beautiful piece of decorations into shattered pieces.
"LEAVE I SAID!! I'm losing my mind"!!!!
He growled.
Inaya bit her lips shutting her eyes tightly.
She felt her body quiver in pain as the glass shards flew back on carpet piercing her bare feet in the process.
She felt immense, unbearable amount of pain rise in her feet.
Letting out whimpers as the tears broke the fence of her lashes, she gathered all the strength in her lifeless frame and began dragging those wounded feet on the carpet towards the double doors.
Each step was a torture.
She felt the glass piercing her feet deeper as she walked on the carpet towards the doors.
Had she ever born this much pain?
Never!
Than why was she enduring it now.
Why was she dragging those pierced feet on the carpet and outside on the cold marble corridors without letting out a single noise?
Inaya herself didn't know the answer.
She felt something inside her break, shatter into pieces.
Was that her heart?
With lifeless steps, she walked in the corridor floor. The blood forming streaks behind as her bloody feet kept dragged on the floor.
Pain?
What was it?
She had never known before.
He had taught her what it felt to be in pain.
Did her heart soften for him earlier?
No! She felt herself drowning in endless misery and self hate realizing that it wasn't just softening, her heart had fallen for him.
The same person, who broke her so brutally today.
The same person, she was trying hard to heal.
A soft whimper left her lips when the pain increased tenfold once her feet touched the cold staircase leading downstairs.
She didn't dare look down on her feet to see how much damage was done.
He always did this, didn't he?
At the end of the day, he always broke her.
Wasn't that what he brought her here for?
How could she forget it so easily?
Was she crazy?
Had she lost her mind?
How could she forget he was, still and will always remain her tormentor?
Whimpers left her lips as she grabbed the railings for support, each step taking the hell out of her as unbearable pain emerged in her feet, as the glass shards pierced deeper.
Who should she share her pain to?
Who was there to comfort her?
To tend to her?
Who was the sincere one in this world?
Quivering and whimpering in pain she reached her room entering it. She locked the door behind her, not realizing that the blood dripping from her wound had streaked the white marbled corridor as she walked.
She hissed and whimpered in pain stumbling and falling on carpet as she felt all the strength leaving her body . It was too painful, unbearably painful, excruciatingly painful. She didn't know if it was because of her shattered heart or the wound on her foot that she got from the shattered glass. But whatever it was, the pain was unendurable.
She tried to hold herself, to get a grip at herself, to calm her breathing but the pain only worsened. Unable to take this, unable to bear this, she finally broke the lock of patience on her lips and let out a roof shattering scream.
She had been injured with glass before but why hadn't it been this much painful at that time? Why was it killing her insides? Because this time, she heard her heart shattering with the glass too and it was unbearable.
She sobbed loudly as her curled frame shook with the tremors. She clutched her light purple Hoodie above her chest as if trying to stop the pain.
Tears effortlessly slipped from her eyes staining her pale cheeks turning them a little rosy along with her tiny nose.
She sobbed painfully, wanting nothing but the carpet to swallow her frame, to hide her somewhere where nobody could see her. The blood kept oozing out profusely from her feet wound where deep cuts and few scratches lied but she stubbornly laid there on carpet sobbing on her agonizing fate.
"Lie! Everything w-was a l-lie"!
She sobbed clutching her chest tightly. It was as if someone had slashed her heart with a knife and than stabbed it again and again making it agonizingly painful for her.
"H-his b-behavior, his c-care...... Everything a l-lie"!
She shut her eyes tightly but the pain didn't reduce, it only increased making her frame visibly quiver.
"What am I? A t-toy? Wh-why would he do th-this to me? Does h-he get Pl-pleasure in hurting me? Wh-why not just k-kill me"!
She sobbed loudly drenching her already tear drenched face.
"I hate myself, I h-hate myself for t-trusting him. I hate m-myself for caring for h-him".
A soft tiny shaky whisper left her lips as she opened her eyes looking at the sunlight peaking from the wall sized glass window from the side of curtain hitting a spot on carpet near her lying frame.
"Am I r-really this much h-hateworthy for him? Wh-why? Is my existence only to q-quench his vengeance? Why?! Isn't it too c-cruel"?
Pearly tears dripped from the fence of her thick black canopy of eyelashes soaking the carpet as she sobbed in utter defeat and pain.
"I'm a h-human too. I also n-need love. Why w-would I be hurt f-for something I didn't do?! I d-don't even know wh-what happened in the p-past! Isn't it a l-little too unfair"?
Her voice turned into a whisper at the end as she sobbed silently. Her whole form shaking with tremors.
A sudden knocking on door made her snap her eyes open as she flinched in utter fear.
Who on Earth was at door?
W-was it him?
Was he here to h-hurt her again?
She barely contained a whimper abruptly trying to sit but her body was so lifeless that she fell back on the carpet with a chain of whimpers leaving her lips.
The door was knocked again. She tried to sit again but again, her lifeless frame didn't even budge.
Curling herself in a ball, she clutched her chest tightly.
"Inaya"?
The voice that echoed from other side made her flinch in fear as she resisted the urge to shout again in agony.
She choked on a sob.
Why on Earth is he here? Is he planning to hurt me in another way?
Why won't he let me be in peace even for once?!
She wanted to shout at him!
The door abrubtly knocked again and she heard his desperate voice .
"Inaya? Open the door"!
She shut her eyes tightly clutching her chest, curling more into a ball, wanting nothing but to turn so tiny that he wouldn't be able to see her, to disappear from his sight , for the carpet to swallow her.
The door knocked again, and this time pretty violently,
"I said open the door dammit"!
He growled and she only quivered again in fear, shutting her eyes tightly and swallowing the whimpers that were struggling to leave her throat.
The door thudded again and it was so loud, she barely resisted the urge to cover her ears.
He slammed the door more loudly and this time, his growl held anger,
"The heck open the door Inaya or I swear I'll break it myself"!
She wanted to so badly get up and run somewhere, maybe in the washroom and lock herself, away from his eyes. She was too scared. She didn't have the heart to face him. Heart, that he himself shattered few minutes ago.
Her whole frame quivered with sobs, her body aching as if it was burning, she so badly wanted to get up but couldn't. She sobbed inaudibly at her helpless state. Why had she to be on the mercy of the devil standing outside?
Why was she so helpless?
A shriek left her lips and eyes shut tighter as she heard the loud noise of him kicking the door again and again.
"Ya Allah! Mujhe bacha lain".
She shook in sobs, her heart quivering in fear at his upcoming wrath.
What would he do to her?
She let out a scream in fear curling more into a ball as she heard the door slamming open hitting the wall with a roof shattering noise.
She shut her eyes tightly, too scared to even face him.
For few minutes, everything was quiet. Pindrop silence. Inaya could only hear her own erratically beating heart.
Her teeth were chattering, she felt her body trembling, shaking, whimpers escaping her mouth and the wounds on her feet burning and the sensation of blood oozing out from them.
Why couldn't she just disappear? Why did she had to show her helpless state to him?
Than she heard slow footsteps, the sound of his boots on the carpet making her clutch the fabric of her Hoodie more tightly. She couldn't decipher it was the fear that was making her frame quiver or the pain in her foot.
She felt him crouching beside her. She wanted to run away, to hide from his eyes but she couldn't! She hated her helplessness.
Why couldn't she be strong for once?
Why couldn't she stop being a crybaby?
Why was she so weak?
His slender thin fingers caressed her hair and she flinched again.
His fingers in her beautiful hair halted, hair that were scattered on the carpet behind her.
"In-naya".
His voice cracked, not louder than a whisper as she heard him calling her.
Tears started dripping in a chain from her closed eyes.
She wanted him to leave, she wanted to voice her thoughts loudly, but she couldn't.
"I" - -
His voice broke in mid as he touched her beautiful hair with his quivering fingers.
Inaya wanted to shout at him. Ask him to leave.
But she couldn't. Her body aching badly. Lips didn't even have the energy to speak a few words.
She felt his cold fingers, icy cold fingers, gently grazing her cheeks.
Why was he being gentle with her after breaking her? After behaving like that, shouting at her, scaring the hell out of her!
She felt him withdraw his hand and stand. His steps echoed followed by the sound of the drawer opening.
He walked back and sat beside her on the carpet .
Inaya's eyes snapped open when she felt his icy cold hand wrap around her ankle.
She tried pushing her leg away but he held it firmly placing her foot over his knee as he began opening the first aid box.
He was silent and so was she. She kept looking at the sunlight peaking through the window.
She resisted the urge to hiss when she felt him cleaning her wounds with antiseptic. No matter how gentle he was, it still hurt when the antiseptic came in contact with her open wound.
Many hisses and whimpers left her mouth during the cleaning of wound, as he took out the little pieces of glass pierced in her skin with as much care as he could. He applied the ointment carefully and she felt a bandage being wrapped around her foot with extreme care as if not wanting to hurt her with even a little carelessness.
She wanted to laugh loudly.
Zaviar Shah! You aren't this considerate and gentle when you break my heart into thousand pieces, when you make me feel how worthless I am. Why is it always after the aftermath of the storms and my destruction that you bother approaching me to heal my wounds?
How would you treat my broken heart?
She shut her eyes tightly letting more tears fall.
She felt his cold fingers gently wipe her tears making her flinch and not even a second later, she felt his arms snake around her shoulders and under her knees.
A squeal of utter terror and shock left her lips as she was pulled into his lap.
In shock, her eyes snapped open. She parted her lips to shout at him to let her go when her gaze fell on his white shirt clad chest.
Not a second later, a hand rested on the back of her head as she felt him caressing her long hair softly.
He was dealing with her so gently, scared that she'll break even at a little harshness of his touch.
She felt his chin resting on her head.
She couldn't take it anymore. His soft touch. It was burning her insides. Why was he being so nice with her after behaving so harshly with her upstairs? He seemed as if something had possessed him at that time. As if he would take her life without a second thought.
Now, he seemed like a completely different person. He seemed like he cared for her. Like her condition was hurting him.
She felt his soft caresses on the back of her head.
Choking on her sobs, she pushed his chest harshly trying to push him away,
"Go a-away"!
But her words were merely a whisper.
She felt him softly holding her both hands on his chest with one hand, as his other hand rested on the back of her head.
"Inaya"?
Did she feel agony in his tone?
It had to be fake. How can he have the nerve to be in pain after treating her like that? Was she a human or some sort of a play toy for him?
She didn't raise her head to meet his gaze. Her eyes remained fixed on his white shirt clad chest as she looked at his hand that was holding her hands on his chest.
She blinked her teary orbs and tried to pull her hands away from his grip but he tightened his grip not letting her hands go.
"Ch-chorain mujhe".
Her hoarse voice, due to crying too much, echoed as an audible whisper and she visibly felt his hand holding her hands on his chest quiver but he didn't let go.
"Mujhe m-mazeed aziyat m-mat dain Pl-please. Chorain".
She spoke through quivering lips struggling in his hold. Few whimpers left her lips as her whole frame shook.
"Don't cry Inaya. I beg you".
His voice held so much pain. Almost as if he was hurting at her condition.
Inaya couldn't take this anymore,
"Just k-kill me already! Why won't you kill m-me? Why would y-you give me th-this agonizing pain again a-and again? What am I? A toy th-that you can break whenever you w-want? j-just kill me already"!
She burst into sobs after her outburst.
Her whole frame shaking in his arms.
His fingers holding her hands and resting on the back of her head shook and she felt his frame stilling.
"Main thak chuki hn! A-ap bus Mar dain m-mujhe. Mujh say n-nahi sahi jati ye aziyat. Q mujhe t-takleef denay k baad ap ka rawaya aisa hojata h-hai? Meray saath k-khelna bund kerdain please! Mujh say bar-bardasht nahi Ho raha! Tak-takleef horahi Hai mujhe".
She spoke shaking in sobs. Tears effortlessly slipping down her cheeks.
She felt him leaving his hold on her hands on his chest, but the other moment, she was gently pushed into his chest, her face hitting his white shirt clad chest as she felt his one hand on her waist and the other caressing the back of her head gently.
She felt something soft touching her hair and without a doubt she knew it were his lips.
She resisted the urge to sob again as she shut her eyes, her form trembling in his arms.
She struggled in his grip again,
"Please drop this f-facade already! I've enough of all th-this. I can't endure this anymore! Apko tars nahi Ata m-mujh per? Reham nahi ata m-meri halat p-per? Main q ye s-sab bardasht karun? Mujhe batain m-mera kasoor kiya Hai? A-ap *hiccup* k maazi say mera k-kiya taluq? *sob* m-mujhay tou ye bhi n-nahi Pata ap k saath maazi main k-kiya hua?! Main hi q inteqam ka n-nishana banun? *hiccup* mujh hi q n-nafrat ka Nishana b-banaya Jaye? Mujh s-say bardasht nahi h-hota ab"!
Her frame shook and trembled in his arms as the sobs emerged from her lips along with whimpers.
Her head was resting on his chest and her tears were drenching his shirt.
He didn't reply yet Inaya felt him ever so slightly tighten his grip on her. His slender fingers entangled in her hair were gently caressing her hair.
She hiccuped,
"From m-my childhood I yearned for a f-family.*hiccup* I always th-thought why can't I live w-with my family too wh-whenever I saw kids in Birmingham with their Pa-parents. *Sob*I yearned for the l-love of f-father and a m-mother. Even with S-saleha mama *Sob* and my friends, I-I couldn't h-help but m-miss my parents. I al-always received t-taunts and m-mockery on Wh-why *hiccup* my grandpa didn't c-come to meet me. The k-kids there l-laughed that j-just because my grandpa *sob* doesn't want a granddaughter l-like me, he doesn't come m-meet me and doesn't a-allow me to come to P-Pakistan. D-do you know how much I was dying a-at that t-time to come to P-Pakistan, the Pl-place where my bel-beloved parents used to live? *sob* D-did you ever realize that grandpa was m-my only family here and I W-was a girl who h-had yearned to be with h-her family for t-ten years? And after reuniting w-with them *hiccup* and getting th-the only happ-iness I ever d-desired for, have y-you ever thought how w-would I feel wh-when I'm snatched ruthlessly a-away from them? You didn't even spare me t-time to see their graves !!Also wh-when I'm being kid-*sob* kidnapped and realize th-that I'm being targeted for s-something I never did, never was e-even aware of *sob* I've al-ways been dealt in love Z-Zaviar Shah! They didn't e-even let a thorn hurt me! Why is it that, n-now being your captive, I-I.... Not only all th-the hate but also Pa-pain is directed at me? I W-was never used to p-pain, how c-come after I met you, no matter h-how much I hurt or bleed ph-physically, it doesn't h-hurt, yet *hiccup* you never get s-satisfied and your vengeance never quenches *sob*? Have y-you even considered me as a h-human for once"?
Inaya had never felt this much defeated before. Her throat was hurting badly and she was unable to speak.
Her small hands were fisting his shirt above his chest like a little kid as if holding on for her dear life.
"I tried t-to call y-your name and y-you *sob* yelled at m-me, I-I tried to g-grab the hem of y-your shirt and you p-pushed me away *hiccup*I tried to ask wh-what was my grandpa's f-fault and you *sob* threw me in that icy c-cold water on th-that rainy day. Zaviar S-Shah! Did I ever c-complain? I silently en-endured it... I.... Waited f-for my grandpa *sob * to come s-save me but he didn't! But instead he*sob * he attacked you ril-riling you up to tor-torment me more. Too scared, I f-finally mustered enough c-courage to escape and than *sob* what did you d-do? You th-threatened me and f-forcefully married m-me destroying the l-little hope of escaping you, that I h-had! Your behavior after th-that turned so drastically. Y-you *hiccup* began caring for m-me. I thought y-you were changing. But I was s-so wrong. N-neither would you let m-me go, nor would y-you kill me? Tell me Zaviar Shah, am I at wr-wrong to ask for my f-fault in all this? Why is m-my existence so w-worthless? Why do I have to be the o-one to endure the pain when I wa-wasn't even to blame. *sob*why"?
The fragile frame quivering in his arms looked so petite, so fragile yet she had endured this all along. Wasn't it too cruel towards her innocent self? How was she even sane after this?
"You're not worthless".
His hoarse voice echoed above her head making Inaya halt in surprise for few seconds.
"You're not hate worthy".
His voice was laced with agony.
Inaya tried to move but his grip was firm.
"your existence isn't worthless".
Deep hoarse whisper echoed near her ear as she felt him placing his head on her shoulder making her stiffen more if possible.
"You complete me".
He turned his face, and the drenched cheeks coming in contact with her neck made her realize something.
He was c-crying?
Zaviar Shah was crying?
"I hate myself for being a bastard to you, for treating you so badly and so harshly".
His muffled words echoed as he spoke in his hoarse voice which was shaky.
"Zaviar Shah sharminda Hai".
She felt shivers running down her spine at his words.
"I" - - -
His voice cracked and Inaya visibly felt more wetness on her neck.
She was sitting there petrified. Her sobs had stopped, frame frozen.
After few seconds, she heard is low hoarse voice,
"I didn't want to h-hurt you. I swear I didn't want to. I" - - - -
"It was just the dreams, those nightmares, I...... It was scary... I... I felt so helpless.... Why couldn't I give the same pain to Zulfikar Shah the one he gave to my p-parents? Why did I have to b-become an orphan at such a y-you g age when he had his wh-whole family with him? I couldn't suppress the desire to avenge when I was aware that he killed my parents just to satisfy his ego. They were innocent too Inaya. I'm not j-justifying my actions or what I did to you but... "
" But I just couldn't let go. That night repeated again and again in my dreams. No therapy worked, no sleeping pills worked. I was almost at the edge of becoming a.... criminal".
"I.... Couldn't even walk out freely due the sudden attacks once in a while... I couldn't go to college and had to study in private. He said I didn't deserve a family. Tell me Inaya, is this enough reason to snatch my parents from me? Just because I don't deserve them? I........ "
He couldn't continue any longer.
Inaya felt him chuckling in her shoulder making her flinch ever so slightly,
"Neither do I deserve them nor do I deserve you.
Tell me Inaya Shah, why had it to be Zaviar Shah who had to see his parents burning in front of his eyes? Why it had to be Zaviar Shah whose every happiness was snatched away from him without a reason just to satisfy someone's ego? Why would destiny remind me again and again of my past in the shape of my nightmares? Why would his cruel words and laughter still haunt me at nights? Why would I become so helpless that I'll lose myself in the process? Why would I lose my sanity on how he is still flourishing when I'm nothing but a walking dead? Why would fate throw you in my life when I was the most desperate to take my revenge and couldn't wait any longer? Why it had to be you and not anyone else? Why would I turn so heartless almost losing my soul turning into a person I can't afford to become? Why would I, when I don't want to hurt you, still hurt you in someway and realize at the end that it was actually my heart who hurt the most? Why would my heart shatter at your pain? Do you think it is easy for me to be kind towards that vile man's granddaughter? The man who destroyed my kith and kin with the snap of his fingers as if it's some freaking game. Tell me Inaya Shah, do you take me for such a lowly man who just for the sake of his own sinful desires would be kind and caring towards you just to break you in the end? You think I'm that lowly"?
He chuckled again in his hoarse voice and Inaya shut her eyes not understanding why was her heart hurting at his words. It was as if a sudden pain had erupted in her chest .
"Inaya Shah, you're so wrong if you think like this"!
Inaya took a shaky breath before letting out the words with great difficulty, she didn't even know herself why was she even reluctant.
"If you don't want to h-hurt me, than why not just l-let me go? Why"----
Her words left uncompleted as a soft shriek left her lips seeing him hug her tighter almost making her ribs break in the process.
"Ap"....
Her shocked voice was cut off by his firm growl.
"Inaya Shah, you won't leave me! You'll never leave me! I repeat never"!
To say that Inaya was shocked at his sudden shift in attitude would be an understatement.
She was more taken aback at his words. Words that were laced with obvious determination without any margin for alteration.
Inaya's eyes filled up with more tears at his cold tone and firm words that sounded more like an announcement of her future,
"Q? Q na j-jaun main? Q qaid main rahun a-apki? Mujhe n-nahi rehna"---
"Mujhe khatam ker k jahaan jana ho chali jaiye ga! Meri lash per say guzar ker jatay huay koi nahi rokay ga apko mera wada hai ye lekan jeetay ji tou Zaviar Shah mar ker bhi apko kahin nahi janay de ga"!
His words echoed in her ears almost making her choke in surprise and horror.
What on Earth was he saying?
Why were his words scaring her, horrifying her to her core?
"Kitnay z-zalim hain ap"!!
She shut her eyes tightly letting more tears fall.
How cruel that she even had to ask for her freedom from him!
How cruel that he'd never let her go!
How cruel that she was destined to be encaged here forever!
How cruel!
"Haan hn main Zalim! Ap jo kahain gi main tayar hn kernay ko lekan apko main mar ker bhi door nahi janay dn ga".
He stated firmly without flinching. His voice determined. Inaya felt him taking deep breaths. As if he was trying to calm himself, to cool down his anger.
How could the thought of her escaping him angry him to this extent?
Did he hate her to this extent?
Inaya couldn't help thinking.
"Why? Didn't you get enough already? Has your thirst of v-vengeance still not faded? How much more you want to destroy me Zaviar Shah?! I'm already broken beyond repair"!
She was just tired of these cat and mouse games.
She just wanted to breath.
Was her freedom really that much difficult to attain?
How could he still not leave her?
"Than let me heal you Inaya Shah. Please, let me".
Shivers ran down her spine at his words as she froze in his arms. His words reverberating again and again in her ears.
Let me heal you.
Let me heal you.
Let me heal you.
She suddenly felt suffocation.
Her lungs struggling to breath properly.
Eyes welled up with unshed tears, lips quivered ever so slightly.
"Ap....ye ap kiya keh rahay hain? Ap hosh main hain? First you broke me, now you want to heal me? Do you think I'm crazy? Khuda ka wasta hai ye dikhawa bund karain"!
She immediately replied.
How could he have the audacity to have such words!
Just what was going in his mind?
Inaya felt her whole being quiver in horror.
"Mera Khuda gawah hai main dikhawa nahi ker raha Inaya. Main nahi janay de sakta apko. Mujhe is azmaish main na dalain".
The pain in his voice. The pain. The raw pain emitting from his voice. As if his whole insides shook with each word he spelled. Each word that was dripping with ferocious intensity.
"Why? Do you still want to break me? Do you still want revenge"?
She helplessly looked at him raising her head.
Her teary orbs met his glazed Hazel ones.
It was as if the sun had met the dark starry night.
Could he see the dreams shattering in her orbs?
Hope fading in those black starry cups?
The pain increasing with every word he spoke?
Couldn't he see?
How could he turn a blind eye to it?
"I swear I don't! Mera yaqeen karain ap"!
Zaviar felt his whole being quiver at the pain her orbs held. He couldn't stop himself from letting out the words. His hand holding her pale cold ones unintentionally, softly caressing the back of her palms and fingers as if to comfort her somehow, to ease her pain.
Couldn't she see the pain in his orbs?
The commitment in his Hazel cups?
The emotions in them?
The intensity and unspoken tales he wanted her to read?
How could she turn so oblivious to them?
How could she?
"Than why should I stay here? Why won't you let me go"!
She almost snapped in frustration. Her pink eyelids, crimson nose tip and the streaks of tears down her soft cheeks.
The sight churned his insides so brutally.
He raised his hand in a trance to wipe her tears when she flinched softly making him freeze in his position before sighing softly and withdrawing his hand.
How could she turn oblivious to the pain that flashed on his face in the mere second?
"Ap meri biwi hain Inaya. Main apni biwi ki akhri dum tak hifazat karun ga. Mujhe mushkil main na dalain"!
He lowered his gaze and spoke softly.
"Kaisi mushkil? Whom do you have to save me from other than yourself? Who is the one torturing me all along"?
She asked helplessly. Her each word dripping in pain.
Tears dripped down her cheeks doing something to his heart.
"Inaya Shah, I regret hurting you. I swear I never dared to find any pleasure in your sufferings. I'm ashamed of my behavior. No words, no apologies will be enough. I" - -
"Of course words and apologies would never be enough because whatever you have done Zaviar shah is hate my existence. If you hate my existence so much, if you're really ashamed than why won't you let me go"?!
Her words, her accusation of him hating her existence blazed a fire in his heart.
Could she still not see?
Could she still not hear?
Could she still not feel?
He held her fragile hand placing it on his chest, his Hazel orbs never leaving her shocked teary ones,
"Just listen to my heart. Do you still think I hate you Inaya"?
Inaya was stunned. Too shocked at his sudden stunt. His words. Words that dripped with sheer pain.
Under her palm, she felt his heart thud so louder, she couldn't come up with a response for few seconds.
All she saw were his hazel orbs fixed on her and his heart beating so louder under her palm.
Inaya Shah had never been so speechless before.
Her widened orbs gazed back at him.
Her heart quivered in sheer horror.
It couldn't be what she was thinking.
No it couldn't be!
Oh please, don't let it be like what she was thinking!
She tried to remove her quivering hand in panic but he slightly tightened his hold not letting her hand go making Inaya more horrified if possible .
"Ch-chorain mujhe ,ye k-kiya mazaq hai".
Her eyes were watering more. Her whole body shaking.
Just what was happening?
How did it turn out like this?
When did it reach here?
Inaya couldn't take this.
It was too much.
She so desperately wanted to disappear.
"Mazaq tou ap nay mera banadiya Inaya Zaviar Shah"!
He stated softly, the voice warm and laced with emotions, Inaya only felt her heart drop more.
His words dreading her.
" You ask me why I can't let you go, right"?
He asked ever so softly, looking into her scared orbs ever so gently as if finally he couldn't take more. As if he had enough of shielding his heart, hiding his feelings, curtaining his eyes.
As if the thread of patience had broken loose.
Hell would break lose if Zaviar Shah doesn't open up his heart to her. He knew he would regret for a lifetime if he didn't say anything now.
She had to hear.
She had to.
"Leave me I"---
Inaya felt her heart quiver so badly. Her hands almost turning cold in his hands. Her lips quivering. The long lashes gathering up more tears as she tried to escape his speaking orbs, his warm embrace, his soothing voice.
"That's the reason. Don't my heartbeats answer you Inaya? Don't you still get the reason"?
He asked ever so innocently while tilting his head and gazing at her.
His red brimmed swollen teary orb looked at her helplessly.
Was it in his hands to feel for her or not?
Was it in his hands to control his heart?
How could she be so cruel?
"A-ap mujhe dara rahay hain ,pl-please mera haath chorain".
She stuttered, utterly horrified at his words. Still not able to digest them.
Inaya Shah had never been this much blank before. She couldn't process anything. Her brain, her limbs, they had abandoned her.
"Inaya Shah--"
He tried to speak.
"N-nahi"!
She vigorously shook her head.
"I can't afford to let you go--"
He softly caressed her hands trying to speak.
"Please stop"!
She cried.
"I can't seem to let go of you"!
He stated helplessly. A soft cry filled with utter pain edged the sentence.
She shut her eyes tightly. Her hands shaking in his warm ones.
"How can you ask me to rip my heart out? To part it from my soul and body? Letting go of you is like slashing my heart, why would you ask me to do it Inaya"!
He asked in utter helplessness and defeat. The corners of his devastatingly beautiful orbs red brimmed, the long thick twisted lashes looking voluminous due to the tears gathered on them. The eyes so pain filled and bloodshot, the panging sadness and agony laced his every word.
"Jhoot bol rahay hain ap"!
She snapped harshly.
She felt her heart twist in agony at the way his face gleamed with utter sadness at her words, the way his eyes dimmed but she couldn't help it. It was as if the anger bottled up inside her for so long had finally found a vent to it.
He lowered his face to her level and asked her with a soft sigh.
" Meri ankhun main dekh ker batayn k main such bol raha hn ya jhoot"!
"I hate you"!
That was the point. She couldn't gaze into his orbs. They were so intense. She'd be a blind if she couldn't read the emotions in them. Her eyes watered more not understanding why tears were coming in her eyes, why was her heart twisting at the pain his eyes and voice held.
"Apko mujh per tars nahi ata Inaya? Apko lagta hai ye sub meray bus main hai "?
He chuckled softly, almost sarcastically,
"If it would have been for me, I would have stopped time. Stopped these moments. Stopped everything so I wouldn't have to live with the fear of losing you".
Ever so softly, his gaze went back to her pristine face. A shaky sigh left his lips as he softly grazed her cheek with his fingertips. The touch feather like, almost as if it wasn't even real, just a fragment of her imagination.
No way in reality could Zaviar Shah say the words he said earlier.
No way!
"I don't want us to be moments, I want us to be a lifetime".
It was a whisper. More like a silent prayer.
Inaya gasped, raising her head and looked at him in shock as her eyes dripped more tears.
Softly his fingertips wiped her tears as he gazed at her with a broken look,
"I'm tired of living with the fear of losing you. The thought of you leaving drives me insane".
He softly tilted his head, looking into her teary orbs,
"Am I cruel to say this? Am I selfless to think this? Am I too bad"?
Inaya's eyes watered more seeing his own orbs filling with tears.
A slight quiver of his luscious lashes and a crystal tear dropped down his cheek falling on the back of Inaya's hand,
" I just want you to stay".
His soft whisper was barely audible to her.
Inaya couldn't remove her gaze even if she wanted to.
Her eyes and heart pricked more as another tear slipped down his eye, down to his nose bridge dripping from its tip,
"I don't want to lose you too".
There was a silent plead in his words. A hint of fear. A tinge of hope.
She froze in her place seeing him lean in as he ever so softly placed his lips on her forehead.
Inaya had petrified, frozen like a statue.
Like a soft caress, they stayed there for a second before he immediately withdrew and leaned back.
The next moment she let out a soft shriek sensing him stand up with her in his arms.
He ever so softly placed her tiny frame on bed.
"You deserve better, I know".
She raised her head to catch a last glimpse of his face.
The face that was drenched in tears. The face that looked so hurt and broken. The face that looked utterly defeated. The face that only reflected agony.
She saw him turning and walking out swiftly from the room closing the door behind.
Zaviar Shah had lost the most precious possession of his:
His well guarded, well shielded heart. The heart that was ice cold. The heart that was made up of stone.
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Words count : 9,380 words.
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