It's no surprise that I didn't sleep well but I eventually did from the exhaustion. I woke up closer to noon and rubbed the sleep from my eyes, yawning. Although I didn't sleep well, I felt better knowing that I was prepared for our conversation.
Relationships are always about compromise but in this case, it was hard to compromise. There's not really a halfway point unless her dad is relocated to Seattle, then that'd be the best case scenario. I thought long and hard about how much I wanted to work at DecodeREM and have come to the decision that I will work there regardless if Clara comes with me or not. There's always an uncertainty about not knowing how it'll go. Maybe I'll hate it there and want to move back. You never know until you try and letting this opportunity go without knowing what it's like will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I just wanted Clara to know that she didn't have to decide right away. If she wanted to wait until her dad's company announces the new location, she can wait. That'll give me time to settle down in Seattle. I'm sure if she joined me right at the beginning, things will be difficult for the both of us. I won't have as much time to settle in because I'll be working right away and she'll be alone. My hope was that she'd join me once things are fleshed out. I'll have a better idea of what my job is like and I'll know the city well enough to show her around.
But the problem was how we'd deal with the distance. We won't be able to see each other often but we can video chat, call, and text each other as often as we'd like. Of course, that'll never be as good as seeing each other. I'll miss our cuddles, the sound of her breathing next to mine, and how her heart would pound when excited. Nothing can ever replace the intimacy of physical contact.
DecodeREM got back to me about my approved visa. They were eager for me to start, loosely mapping the timeline and what had to happen before my start date which was in a month. They know I'm moving from the UK and will reimburse my one-way flight to America and they've got a furnished apartment I can stay in for one year that's close to work. It's up to me if I want to renew my lease with them or find another place once my lease is up. But it was nice to see how much they wanted me and how much they were willing to bend over backwards to make sure my move was as seamless as possible.
I've yet to get back to them about when I want to fly out. I'll get my grades back this week and if I pass all my classes, my graduation will be next week. I'd love to stay for that and celebrate with me mum and dad for a few days before leaving. And the same goes with Clara and her family. I'd like to tell them the good news and that I want to keep in touch.
All my life, I've lived in the UK. I've always wanted to leave the first chance I got and I didn't think it'd actually happen.
-
While waiting for Clara to leave work, I busied myself by calling the local Indian restaurant for takeaway. She spotted my car in the car park and made her way towards me. There was no spark in her eyes. You could see she was dreading this conversation. In fact, the both of us were.
She opened the door and sat down, putting her seatbelt on and I leant in to kiss her on the lips which I always did when picking her up. She saw me approaching, hesitated, and turned her face slightly so I settled on her cheek. That wasn't a good sign. She's already upset with me.
"How was work?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood.
"It was okay," she replied.
Her answer was straight to the point not leaving much for discussion which made me sad. Right when we took one step forward, we took two steps back and ended up where we were two weeks ago. It was obvious she wasn't in the mood to talk so I turned on the radio and drove to the Indian restaurant to pick up the food.
She stayed in the car while I paid for our food and brought it back. I asked if she could hold the food knowing how I drive and she obliged. The ride home was silent and she followed me wordlessly to my flat.
"Do you want something to drink?" I asked, opening the fridge. Alcohol was off the table for her. I'd love to be drunk to help calm my nerves but I need to be able to think straight.
"Can I get a glass of Ribena?"
I grabbed two glasses, filled them with ice, and poured some syrup into each glass. I remember when she first found out about Ribena, she was intrigued by the blackcurrant flavor and almost drank it straight from the bottle until I stopped her saying it was supposed to be diluted with water. She was embarrassed saying that it's not often that she comes across undiluted drinks in America. I estimated the amount of water to add and brought it out to the table.
Clara had already set the table and turned on the telly for the evening news. She thanked me for the drink and began picking at my curry and pushing hers forward to encourage me to try hers. Well...at least she's still keen on sharing despite being upset. Her mood seemed to improve having just ate because she was more chatty towards the end asking how my day was. I told her how it went without mentioning my visa.
Clara finished before me as I didn't have much of an appetite from the nerves. She cleared the table, washed the dishes, and went to sit down at the table looking at me expectantly. It was clear she was ready to talk so I stopped eating and wiped my mouth on a napkin.
"You can finish eating. I'm not in a rush," she said.
"I'm not that hungry anyway," I told her, bringing my utensils and glass to the sink. I tipped the last of the juice in my mouth and washed the glass, placing it on the rack to dry. I dried my hands on the tea towel and made my way back to the table. The both of us stared at each other wanting the other to start the conversation so I decided to speak up.
"Clara, I thought long and hard about this last night going over the pros and cons and I've come to the same conclusion every time," I told her. "I want to take this job. It's an excellent opportunity, it pays well, and the work they do is interesting. As much as I'd like to wait, I can't. They'll give the opportunity to someone else if I don't take it." Clara nodded her head, her eyes downcast.
"They want me to start in one month. They'll reimburse my aeroplane ticket and they have an apartment close to work that I can stay in for one year. They really want me to work for them," I went on.
"Where is this company?" she asked, finally looking up to meet my eyes, but only for a brief moment.
"Seattle, Washington. I'd love for you to join me. I promise to take care of you but I realize everything is happening quickly and you don't have to decide right away. If you'd rather wait and see where your dad is moved to, I'm fine with that too." I paused for my words to sink in and then continued. "There's no telling if I'll like it there but I won't know until I try it so that's what I want to do."
"And what if you like it there?" she asked. There was conviction in her tone and I knew I upset her again. "It's exactly what we disagreed on last time. Like what if the roles were reversed? I found my dream job and wanted you to move with me? Would you give up everything to follow me?"
I swallowed. The way she asked me that was like I was doing something wrong which I wasn't. It was never my intention to put her in this position. I'd love to wait and see where her dad is moved to so we can decide together but I can't. Time isn't on my side. They're not going to wait for me to sort my life out.
"It's not like that you and you know it. I'd never intentionally put you in this position," I fought back. "The timing of it all is just unfortunate."
"You didn't answer my question."
"What question?"
"Would you give up everything to follow me?"
"Clara, this isn't fair of you..." I trailed off. "The answer isn't black and white. It's more complicated than that." Clara pressed her lips in a straight line, upset that I didn't answer her.
Based on how this conversation is going, I don't think she's going to follow me to Seattle. At least not yet. Not until she knows where her parents are moved. The thought of being alone in a country I've never been to worried me, but that wasn't as worrisome as saying goodbye to everything and everyone I've ever known.
You can always go back, I thought to myself. I'll only manage to go back home once a year. I don't have an endless amount of time off nor the money. And my attention will be split in two. Of course I want to go home to see my family but I also want to see Clara and there's no telling where she'd be. Now that it was clear that Clara wasn't coming with me (for now), we had to sort out our relationship. Were we going to try for a long distance relationship or were we going to take a break?
"I think it's clear that you're not coming with me," I stated carefully. "So what's going to happen to us? I'm willing to give the long distance relationship a try."
Even though we'll be thousands of miles apart, I do want to try to make it work. Nothing will beat being in each other's company but we'll take turns seeing each other and we'll call and text each other.
"I've done it before and it never works out," she replied. "Over time, they'll forget about you. The phone calls become less frequent and they'll find someone else."
I frowned, hurt that she'd think I'd forget about her and move on like it's nothing. I've known her over half a year now, got the chance to know her, and fell in love. You can't forget someone like her.
"Do you really think I'll be like that?" I asked, frowning, so she could see how much it hurt me. "So what do you want then?" Clara stayed silent for a while in deep thought and then spoke up.
"We should take a break. I don't think it'd be fair to do a long distance relationship," she said and my heart sank. "We're both young and it's clear that we want to do our own thing. You want to try this new job and I want to know where my parents are moved. Let's see how we feel about each other after some time and see where it goes from there. However, I don't want you to think it's completely over. I still care about you a lot but we can't agree on things at the moment. But I'm still your friend and would very much like to keep in touch. What do you think?"
She smiled slightly and reached across the table to squeeze my hand. I looked up and nodded slightly. It wasn't what I wanted but it was better than losing her entirely.