Numb. That's the only word I can use to begin to describe how I'm feeling right now. And even that seems so far away from my true emotions. I can't feel them, I can't feel anything at all. But I am acutely aware of how little control I have over the amount I'm shaking, and I can feel Izzy's hand on my arm, so maybe numb isn't the best word. Hollow. It's as if with each passing minute, more and more is chipped away, deepening this void inside. I've never felt pain like this utter emptiness.
Magnus arrived not long after my call and he sprang into action the instant he walked through Alec's bedroom door. Though how long he's been here is lost to me. Minutes? Hours? Days? I honestly couldn't say, all I can comment is that Alec hasn't woken. He's muttered odd words, as if he's so deep in sleep he can't acknowledge anything but his dreams. And each time I hear him breathe those words my heart clenches, praying that his eyes will flutter open. But he never does, and that chips away further at the ever-growing void within.
Izzy is sat on the bed, right next to her brother, hand gripping my arm whilst I stand beside her. I haven't moved an inch since my call with Magnus, not even to lift my head to watch Magnus' magic. I couldn't, can't, because just looking at Alec kills me. He might not ever wake up. He went in knowing that he could die and he didn't hesitate, and that hurts.
Of course, I understand why. For Izzy, I'd kill myself without a second thought. But it hurts because there are so many words left unspoken between us. So much has happened since we became romantic and we haven't been able to speak or express our emotions for one another. I have so much to say, yet the longer I stare at him unconscious the more I start to believe that I'll never be able to say them.
The grip on my arm shifts as Izzy moves her hand into mine. Her mouth moves as if she's talking, yet no sound seems to come out. I hadn't even noticed that I've been blocking out all noise, but I know that I must be because Izzy speaks again as though she's in conversation. And then, her eyes go wide and shoot to me.
"Maelys," she says squeezing my hand to gain my attention.
I can't muster any words, but I turn to her. And as soon as I do I can see the hope in her eyes.
"Mae, did you hear what Magnus said? Jace might be the cure to wake Alec," Iz says.
All I do is blink. For what am I supposed to say? Jace is missing. Gone. If he is our one hope at waking Alec then there truly is no world in which Alec will hold me again. Or speak to me. Or simply smile... By the Angel, what I would do to see him smile just once more.
"Peanut," Magnus mutters, waving his hand to the side to draw a chair to the bed. "Why don't you sit?"
Izzy tugs on my hand, guiding me to the chair. I fall into it, collapse may be the better word for how my legs crumble beneath me. Izzy is on me the instant I'm down, both of her hands cupping my cheeks. She smiles, not a full smile. The one she always uses when she's trying to reassure me.
"Mae, stay here with Magnus and Alec. I-I'm going to find Jace and fix this. I'm going to fix this. I promise you, Parabatai."
Izzy looks at me for a second of hesitancy, her eyes flickering over my face. She leans in, pressing a firm kiss to my forehead before releasing me and stepping away.
"Look after them. I'll be back soon," she says.
My eyes are locked onto Alec when I hear the door close behind her. He murmurs again, softly, incoherently. But at least he's still here. Somewhere in his mind.
"Maelys, you should talk through those thoughts instead of bottling them up," Magnus says gently. He moves to the opposite side of the bed so that he can look at me, his hands continuing to guide his magic onto Alec.
I stay quiet, not daring to look at him, only Alec. But I after a moment I build the courage to say, "I don't know what you want me to say."
"I want you to say whatever it is you need to."
Another silence fills the room. Only the faint hum of Magnus' magic to fight against it. I honestly don't know what he expects me to say. I can't think of anything, I can't feel anything.
"It isn't fair," I whisper after countless minutes of nothing. "We have all worked hard to do what's right, to help people. Yet we are suffering as a consequence."
I look up to Magnus to see him already looking back at me.
"Why should we bother?"
Magnus continues to pulse magic out of his hands towards Alec, but he thinks over my question. I can see his mind whirling behind his eyes.
"I have been alive for hundreds of years and I have seen many wars and times of pain. And if there is one thing I learnt from my life is that great change cannot come without suffering. It's never easy, but if people stopped the moment things get hard then evil would win. Valentine would win."
"But why does it have to be us? There are hundreds of Institutes filled with hundreds of Shadowhunters. Why are we the ones to hurt?"
"I can't answer that. But I can assure you that the suffering comes to an end."
"When?"
There's another short silence as Magnus purses his lips before he says, "I can't answer that either."
My hand lifts to my face and I rub my wet cheeks. I don't know when I started crying, but I can only imagine that it started shortly after my call to Magnus. My hand shakes against my skin, so erratically that my nails scratch into my cheek. This is all too much for me to deal with. I need to feel something, to get through this. I need something. Crave it.
"I don't think I can keep going," I admit. I dare to drop my gaze to Alec again. His nose twitches, but it stills almost instantly, and once again I feel that twinge of pain in my chest. Another chip at that void.
"You can, Maelys. You can and you will because your family need you."
"Family?" I scoff. "A sister I hate with every essence of my being and a father who is the greatest terrorist in the Shadow world?"
"I'm talking about Jace, Izzy, Alec. Each of them need you, and so you keep going. For them. Always remember that."
I stare at Alec, taking in the droplets of sweat forming on his forehead. I have no clue what he's seeing right now, but I can tell it's upsetting him. Distressing him. It makes me feel sick that he's suffering in there alone.
"Okay," I mutter, scratching at my face again from stress, from fighting my cravings. I can't tell which.
For them. I keep going for them.
------
Magnus has been trying to wake Alec for hours yet has remained unsuccessful and Alec only seems to be getting worse. And the only thing I can do is wipe the small cloth over his face to catch the sweat. I wish I had gone with Izzy to find Jace. But even now I am struggling to even move, or speak, or do much of anything. Since our conversation, we'd been quiet. Watching and hoping that Magnus' magic will be enough to wake Alec. Though deep down I think we both know it's a pointless exercise; Parabatai bonds run deeper than any magic.
I wipe the cloth over his forehead again, making sure that my swipes are gentle. I wonder if Alec can sense us here with him. Maybe he can feel us, or feel Magnus' magic sweeping through him. I dab his forehead again and his lips twitch as though to say something. Not to us. But to whatever he is with inside his mind.
Frantic knocking at the door forces my head to shoot up and Magnus' magic to drop. Neither of us utter a word of question as the knocking continues.
"Isabelle? Clary's back," Jocelyn shouts through the door. My grip on the cloth tightens causing my knuckles to turn white. No mention of Jace, or question about Alec. It always has to be about Clary.
Magnus wears a frown matching mine as he marches to the door, tearing it open as he says, "oh, great. Clary's safe. We can all go home now." He moves to slam the door, but Jocelyn is stopping him before he can.
"Woah, wait, Magnus," she says sounding just like her self-centred daughter. "How's Alec? Is he gonna be okay?" Her eyes flicker towards Alec and they widen when they catch me staring at her. I'm sure that she can see the hatred in my glare, it's not as though I'm trying to hide it at all. But before she can comment on it, Magnus is talking again.
"Do you remember the first thing I said to you when you brought a frightened six-year-old girl to my door?"
"You didn't wanna get involved in Shadowhunter business."
"And I should've stuck to my guns. But no, I let you convince me. How many years of memory wipes was it?"
"Twelve," she breathes in response. My jaw clenches and I look away. No one deserves the truth hidden from them. Not even Clary. "Look, I owe you. Let me help with Alec."
"You will stay away from him," I hiss, shooting from my chair. Magnus doesn't say anything, but I can see the disappointment on Jocelyn's face.
"Maelys, I was only trying to-"
"You were only trying to do what you always do. Manipulate people into helping fix problems that you created. And now Alec is paying the price for it." Magnus cuts in, spitting the hard words of truth at her.
"That's not true," Jocelyn gasps, shaking her head. But it's clear that Magnus has had enough of her.
"Then prove me wrong," is his only reply. He walks away from her, but she takes a step into the room anyway. Her eyes flicker to mine again and she hesitates. I know what she wants to say, what she feels like she has to say. But now is really not the time for the conversation, nor do I have a single care for it.
"Maelys, we should talk," she says. I sit in my chair again, looking only at Alec.
"Why bother? We both know what you're about to say." She doesn't respond and after a moment I look back to her, giving her a pointed look. "You're not my mother."
"No. I'm not," she sighs. "But Jonathan is mine."
I nod and return my gaze to Alec. I knew all along that she wasn't my mother, yet hearing her confirm it; hearing her say that Jace is hers and I'm not hurts. My brother isn't my brother. A half-brother at best, but even then I'm questioning the truth about my parents. About why my mother didn't want me and left me in the care of a monster.
"There was a woman," Jocelyn says quietly in response to my silence, "called Fayette who was pregnant around the same time that I was pregnant with Jonathan. She was close with Valentine, so there is every possibility that she's-"
Jocelyn stops as I lift my head to stare at her. My expression cold, deadly, nothing like what she had expected it to look. The fact that she can say such words with ease, as if they mean nothing at all angers me. Not that it's the words about my real mother that bothers me, but the fact that Jace truly isn't my family.
"Are you sure that Valentine is the father?" I ask, hating the sound of hope in my voice. The hope that I have no relation to him. Jocelyn purses her lips before sighing again.
"Whilst in the Circle, Fayette didn't have friends. In her eyes, there was only Valentine, and she did everything he asked." Jocelyn hesitates before carrying on. "Valentine experimented on Jonathan whilst I was carrying him. There is a high possibility that he wanted to experiment on another baby alongside him."
Everything within me freezes.
In her eyes, I was born for the sole use of experimentation. No loving parents, never a family. An experimentation. She doesn't need to say the words for me to see them so clearly on her face and it sickens me.
Magnus lifts his head and his eyes soften as they take in my expression. Take in the pain that I'm unable to hide from my face.
Too much. This is all too much. I don't think I can keep going without something. Some kind of help.
"I think you've done enough damage to the people in this room," Magnus says turning to Jocelyn.
There's a moment where she hesitates, but she soon agrees and leaves. I wait until the door clicks shut before I let out a ragged breath, my hands trembling just as much. I tug on the roots of my hair, leaning my elbows on the bed beside Alec. Jace is gone. Alec is gone. My sanity is slowly going along with them. Too much. I can't handle every single pressure on my shoulders.
I need to convince Aldertree I'm okay so that I can go and help Izzy find Jace, who can then wake Alec. I need to find Izzy to find Jace to wake Alec. I need to convince Aldertree that I'm not compromised, that I'm not an experiment. That I'm not Valentine's daughter.
Too much.
My hand shakes and my lips dry, and the pain engulfs me. I stand up, my chair scraping against the wooden floor from my jerked motion, and I move to the door. I blink too many times as I try to work through the fog of my mind. But I can't without it. This is too much without it.
"Maelys," Magnus says, breaking through my thoughts. I turn to him, breathing heavily.
"I'm just going to get some air," I answer his unspoken question. Magnus doesn't frown, or scold me, but I can see the solemn disappointment. As if he knows that my response was a lie. He takes a careful step towards me and offers me his hand.
"Stay," he says gently. "You don't need it."
Tears burn against the backs of my eyes, and I slowly take his hand. He pulls me into a tight hug and I cling onto his jacket so tightly I'm shocked I didn't tear it. But he says nothing, only cradles my head into his shoulder as he runs a hand over my back to soothe me.
"You're strong, Maelys. You don't need Yinfen to get through this." His voice is soft, reminding me rather than reprimanding me. A small whimper leaves me and Magnus tightens his hold, providing me more comfort in this moment than any father, Valentine or Michael, had ever given. And I can't be more thankful for it than I am right now.
"Thank you," I mutter. He holds me for a moment longer before drawing back. He wipes my face and smiles a gentle smile as he takes my hands again.
"Come," he says, guiding me back to my seat. He squeezes my hands and lets go, returning to using his magic on Alec. I sniff and lower my gaze to my boyfriend. What is he going to say to this? Will he still choose me when he finds out that all I am is an experiment. If. I swallow a sob. He has to wake for those thoughts to mean anything.
I take his hand with my trembling one. It's the first time I've reached for him since he got lost in the Parabatai rune. And I think if I had reached for his hand before I would have noticed the layer of sweat that covers his fingers. But right now, I don't care. I just cling to his hand, holding it with as much strength I can muster as I rise it to my lips.
"Please wake up, Alec," I whisper into the back of his hand. "I really need you."
-----
I can't say how long it has been since Alec fell unconscious, but it's now growing dark again and Magnus is becoming exhausted. He pants as he continues to shine his blue magic onto Alec and at first I let him. But as soon as I see the magic falter I'm standing.
"Magnus, take a break," I instruct and he rolls his eyes.
"I'm fine, Peanut," he huffs. But I don't buy it.
"Your magic faltered. Take a break."
He gives me a side glare and he groans when he realises that I'm not going to back down any time soon.
"If you're that concerned then you can get me something to eat, maybe a drink as well."
I watch him as he continues working on Alec and I bring my thumb to my mouth, chewing on it anxiously. I don't want to argue with him about this. He is doing everything he can to help Alec, and of course I want him to continue. But seeing the toll it's putting on him is not something I like to see. He doesn't deserve to be run dry like this.
"Fine," I say walking towards the bedroom door. "But as soon as I get back with it you are sitting down and eating it without any argument."
I leave Alec's room before Magnus has the chance to say anything and head towards the kitchen. I half expected Raj to be posted outside the door, but he wasn't. In fact, I haven't seen him at all since my meeting with Aldertree. Maybe their conversation was about leaving me alone? Maybe they trust me now? I shake my head, running my hands over my face and into my loose hair. Don't think about it now.
It doesn't take me long to reach the kitchen, and straight away I get some of the leftovers from the fridge. We'd missed evening meal, unintentionally really, but probably for the better seeing as Downworlders are banned from the Institute. And seeing that I seem to be getting stared at wherever I go.
I dish up two portions, one for Magnus and one for myself, and I put the first portion into the microwave. Once it's going, I find myself sinking onto the stool, resting my elbows on the side, head in hands. A deep sigh leaves me and my eyes close. I need some respite from everything before I lose my mind.
"Mae."
The universe hates me. There is some greater being out there who gets sheer joy out of watching me suffer. I lift my gaze to see Clary walking in slowly, hesitantly, and I almost scoff at her. I think if I had the energy to deal with her right now I would have.
"Are you okay?" She asks. I stare at her silently for a moment before looking down again, my head still firmly in my hands. Maybe if I ignore her she will go away and I won't have to deal with her?
It doesn't work. She lets out a soft breath before sliding into the seat next to me.
"I heard about Alec," she says gently. I feel my body tense and I have to close my eyes again. I don't want to talk about Alec with her. Not when it was her mother to put him in this state in the first place. Not when he could never wake up again.
Tears burn behind my eyes at that thought and I have to swallow the whimper. I don't think I ever appreciated how much I need Alec in my life. Yes, I've always known, especially in these past months. But he keeps me going, he motivates me, strengthens me. If he doesn't wake up then he's taking part of me with him.
This is too much.
Clary places a hand on my shoulder, as if to comfort me. But I shrug it off instantly and stand, making my way to the microwave. I place both hands on the surface in front of it, watching as the seconds tick down in silence.
I hear Clary sigh before she tries again, saying, "Mum also told me that you and her spoke."
The microwave goes off and I take the bowl out, giving it a stir. Steam rises of the stew inside and I place the other bowl into the microwave. Just one more bowl and I can leave.
"I'm sorry that she said that to you now with everything going on." She pauses at my lack of reply before she continues. "If you think about it, you haven't lost anything. Jace and I, we're still your siblings, even if we're half-"
"Clary, please," I say in a whisper, but it's enough for her to hear. "I beg you to stop. I can't deal with this, please-" My voice cuts out as a sob tries to get through, but I clench my jaw and hold it back. She stays silent for all of two seconds before I hear her feet shuffle across the floor towards me.
"Mae, do you want to talk about it? I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I like you," she says and I can hear the smile in her voice.
I don't reply. I keep my gaze set on the microwave watching the clock go down So. Incredibly. Slowly.
"I'm surprised you didn't say something like, 'that's because I'm a more likeable person' to that. Something must be wrong," she says with a small, light-hearted laugh. One I'm sure she thinks is making me feel better, even though it's not. And I think if I had the energy to argue with her, I would. But I can't bring myself to even think of a retort.
The microwave's bell finally goes off and I take the bowl out. I don't bother stirring it before I pick them both up, walking out the room straight away. Clary sighs behind me as I go, but I don't turn back. I rush back to Magnus and Alec.
-----
Magnus and I sit in silence as we eat the bowls of stew. I can't say I exactly have the stomach for it right now, but I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't try after all the demands I'd snapped at him. My back leans against the wall, my eyes locked on Alec as I slowly lift the spoon to my mouth. Magnus is in the chair I'd claimed for the past however many hours we've been here. That was another argument in itself. Though it was one I won by pulling the 'old man' card.
The scraping noise of Magnus' spoon against his bowl causes my eyes to drift from my boyfriend and to the Warlock. He eats the final mouthful of stew before putting the bowl on the bedside table. The tension in his shoulders has eased ever so slightly, and some colour has returned to his face. But even with this small respite, dark purple covers his under eyes. He needs sleep. And I'm worried he won't be able to last much longer without it.
"For Institute food, that wasn't half bad," Magnus muses.
"Aeden can die happy now that he's got your approval," I mumble knowing that the Institute chef doesn't give two shits about anyone's opinion on the food. But I don't want to sit and ignore him after everything he's doing to help Alec.
Magnus stands from the chair and glances my way as he circles around the bed. "You've hardly made a dent," he comments. My eyes drop to the bowl before me again and I frown. He's right, I have hardly eaten, but I have no appetite.
I lift my gaze again to see him already working on Alec. I'm putting my bowl on the floor the instant I see the blue magic and am approaching him.
"Magnus, let me help," I say gently to him. His head turns and I give him a stern look, and with a reluctant sigh, he offers me a hand. Instantly my breath is taken from me as he guides my energy into his hand. My eyes close and I grit my teeth. I hadn't realised how little energy I actually have, but the lack of it doesn't surprise me. Magnus doesn't say anything about it, thankfully, and I'm glad we aren't bickering again. The stubborn arguments are too tiring.
I hear the door swing open on its hinges, and I don't need to open my eyes to know who it is. My Parabatai rune hums happily, but anguish chips away at the void inside, and it sits heavy in my stomach. So very heavy that I feel like I might throw up the very few mouthfuls of stew I had. Izzy is here, yet she utters no words of Jace.
It was foolish to have hope. Jace is lost. And it seems likely Alec is going to follow his Parabatai.
I hold back the whimper that tries to leave. I should have fought Alec on this. I should have fought him with everything I had. At least if I had then I wouldn't hate him as much as I do right now for putting me through this. I hate him for leaving me. I hate him for the pain I'm feeling. I hate him for not being with me. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
A tear falls past my lashes and onto my cheek. I hate that I love him. Because if I didn't have that love for this asshole then I wouldn't be in such great pain.
"Magnus!" Izzy's cry makes me jump and my eyes open to her and Clary rushing in, both wearing hopeful smiles. "Is there anyway we can get Alec to your apartment?"
Magnus releases my hand and I find body slumping to the ground from exhaustion. I wipe my face to remove the tears and lift my head to look at them both.
"I can't create a portal without Aldertree noticing," he tells them as he turns. "Which I'm not too worried about, but I'm not the ones who live under his command."
"What about Jace?" I ask.
"He's going to meet us there," Izzy answers and some part of me rises in hope.
"Then let's not worry about the repercussions. We have to wake Alec before we lose him."
"Maelys, you're not supposed to wander the Institute without Raj. What will happen if Aldertree realises you brought Magnus here and then left with Alec?" Izzy asks.
I frown and stand up as I say, "what does it matter with Alec's life on the line?"
"Maelys," Izzy says again.
My lips part as I think of what to say. But no lies come to mind. And even if one had, the thought of lying to my Parabatai hurts. So, I hesitate for a long moment before saying, "I'll be deruned."
"By the Angel," she breathes, running her hands through her hair in stress.
"Maybe we can risk me staying here. But I'm not about to risk your runes on creating a portal," Magnus says.
"They won't let Jace walk through those doors without interrogation, and we don't have time. Alec is slipping, we have to get him to Jace," I argue to which Izzy furrows her brows.
"We're not doing this with your runes on the line-" she begins, but my patience snaps.
"I don't give a damn about my runes!" I shout. "If Jace is going to Magnus' apartment then we get Alec to him the fastest way possible. Because Alec needs Jace to wake up. And I need him to wake up. I need him. I-" My words get cut off by the emotions filling my voice, and tears well up in my eyes.
I can't help but look to Alec. His lips twitch, just like they do from time to time as he faces whatever his Parabatai bond is throwing at him. I hate him so much for making me cry in front of Clary.
"I'm sorry, Maelys. But no," Izzy says quietly. "He is my brother, and I will do all I can to get him back. But I refuse to do anything that will cost my Parabatai's runes."
I feel as though I've been punched in the stomach and everything that was desperately holding the void back has crumbled. I lean onto the bed as my legs give way beneath me, and I can't stop the tears that fall.
Feet shuffle across the floor and Izzy is there, kneeling before me. She takes my hands in hers and gives me a determined look.
"I'm going to fix this, Mae."
"I can't just sit here, Iz," I whisper through the tears. My hands move to my hair and I tug, needing to feel something. Anything. "I'm losing my fucking mind. I can't do this anymore. I can't-"
"And I can't risk your runes. I need you," Izzy says wiping my face. "I promised you that I can fix this, and I will. I swear it to you, Parabatai. Please," she pauses as she takes in my utter sorrow. "Please stay here, do as Aldertree says. I need you with your runes. I need my Parabatai."
My mind stills at her words. I never considered that if I lose my runes, I lose my Parabatai. I never considered her in all this. I should have thought. Fuck, I should have thought.
I remove her hands from my face, squeezing them both as I stand. "I trust you," I tell her. She rises with me and her determination shines in every feature of her face. "I'll speak with Aldertree and tell him what's happening. I'll do things their way."
"And I'll find a backup plan if they deny it."
I hold my Parabatai's hands tightly as we stare at one another. Her determination desperately trying to seep into me. But I feel none of it.
I release her and leave the room before I can crumble again. I wish her determination would have filled me, but there is nothing. No hope, no faith. I feel nothing at all as I walk through the corridors towards Aldertree's office. Numb.