Scarlett's POV
One step forward, five hundred back.
I don't even know what happened. But I hate myself yet again for pushing Sawyer past her limits. By this point, I should know Sawyer well enough to intervene before she gets to the point of being uncomfortable. I should be able to protect her. But I am starting to think she needs protection from me.
Sure, we were having a rough morning, and then there was the incident with everyone looking at her back. But when she went and threw water balloons with Lizzie at everyone, she looked like she was having the time of her life. The whole cast just stopped to stare at her at the end when she started to laugh after throwing that balloon at my face. She seemed to be so happy up there with Lizzie, so when India came waddling over and asked me to play in the pool with her, I knew Sawyer was in safe hands.
The water felt nice, and playing with the kids was always fun, but I still kept an eye out for Sawyer and Lizzie. After about ten minutes, I noticed they were sitting on the lounger from earlier talking.
I could see Sawyer sitting on Lizzie's lap as they spoke and wondered if she was tired after not sleeping last night because she had never been this cuddly with anyone but me. I was going to go over to check on her and to get her to drink some water because it was so hot when I was suddenly submerged under water. When I popped back up, I noticed Evans laughing with Keen as the two high-five, making me roll my eyes.
I was just planning my revenge when I heard Lizzie call for me. "SCAR!" She sounded urgent, so I whipped my head around to find her immediately, noticing Sawyer wasn't cuddling with her anymore. "She's banging her head again," she continued to yell, making me hop out of the pool and run over to them as quickly as I could. It had been a while since she had an incident where she was banging her head. I was starting to think we had moved past that, but I was clearly overly optimistic.
I was expecting a memory-induced panic when I saw Sawyer, but I was shocked as I heard her mumble a cranky. "No, I'm not," responding to her surroundings, that is definitely different. I went to scoop her up, wanting to calm her down before asking Lizzie what happened, when Sawyer ripped herself out of my hold, moving to be further away from me, puzzling me more. I watched as she swayed, cuddling her blanket and Nat before something in her snapped, and she threw them both away, shocking me.
I had never seen her like this; she always treated everything as if they were made of glass, and those two objects were arguably her most prized possession, so to see her throw them with such disregard made me wonder what the heck had happened.
I grabbed them both, sitting them beside me before shuffling closer to her in the hopes of talking her down when I heard her mumble, coming from Sawyer, the words seemingly falling out of her mouth in a loop. "I was fine on my own, and I'll be fine when Scarlett leaves me again," over and over, she repeated them. Each time she said it, another part of my heart cracked.
What the hell happened? She was fine thirty minutes ago, smiling and laughing with Lizzie, and now she is worse than I have ever seen her back to calling me Scarlett and breaking my heart.
"What is going on?" I ask, looking up at Lizzie, who's looking apologetically at me as Sawyer continues to mumble about me leaving her on a loop. "She thought you were mad at first because she got you in the face, so I said it would be fine. Then um, when Sawyer saw you playing with the other kids, she looked so sad. I said we could join you, but she had none because of the water. Then SJ started working on her equations, but she seemed so sad. She was holding back tears, so I might have tried to push her to talk to me." She paused, her gaze flickering between Sawyer and me in despair.
"Then she yelled and scared herself, and she started hyperventilating, and I could tell she saw memories. I think she was half in memory, half aware or something. Still, instead of her normal muttering, she was worried about you. She said something about how you didn't want her when she was little, but you were playing with India. She wanted to know why you liked that little girl but not her when she was little," she paused, taking a deep breath as if to fight off tears as she glanced at Sawyer for a moment before going back to looking at me.
"It was heartbreaking, and I tried to calm her down, but she just kept going, talking about her being locked in a closet and not playing in the pool when she was that age. That you didn't want her then, and now you don't want her again now. I tried to tell her that wasn't true, but I didn't think she could hear me. I think she was too caught up in her thoughts. Then the memories must have started because she was whimpering about being a waste of space and an inconvenience and about how now you have realised that she's going to be alone on the streets again and doesn't know anywhere around here or what things are. Then she just jumped off my lap and ran over here," Lizzie explained, looking between Sawyer and me worriedly as Sawyer continued to mumble about me leaving. "I'm sorry, she asked me to stop asking questions, and I didn't listen; it's just she looked so sad I thought I could help," Lizzie said guiltily.
"It's ok, Liz, it's not your fault. I shouldn't have brought her. She was having an awful morning, and I just pushed her too far as normal. I can understand how seeing me playing with another little girl upset her. I shouldn't have left her. Will you do me a favour, though?" I ask, thinking of ways I could cheer up Sawyer.
Lizzie nodded vigorously, mumbling a quick "anything". "In Sawyer's backpack, there's a comic. I promised I would get everyone to sign it for her. Do you think you could ask everyone to sign it while I calm her down, please? Although, warn them to be careful with it. It's the only thing she has got left from her adoptive mother. I think I should bring her back to the rental once she's calmed down a little." I ask, looking between Lizzie and Sawyer worriedly as Sawyer continues her mumbling. "Of course, I'm sure everyone will be happy to sign it," Lizzie said before running off to the backpack.
"Baby?" I asked Sawyer softly after Lizzie had left, not wanting to touch her in case she was startled and lashed out or tried to move away again. I don't want her to hurt herself by accident. She didn't react, just continued mumbling and rocking; luckily, she was rocking herself gently and not trying to bash her skull open for once. "Princess?" I tried again, moving slightly closer to her in the process, approaching her like you would an injured animal. Slowly and carefully, terrified that one wrong move would send her into a terrified frenzy.
"Sawyer?" I tried again now, right next to her. Receiving nothing but her mumbles in return, I grabbed Nat and her blanket and placed them on her knees, which she had pulled up to her chest. She didn't react, which I guess is good because at least she didn't throw them again.
"Sawyer, baby, can you hear Mama?" I asked, starting to be concerned that she had fallen into her own thoughts again.
When I got nothing in return yet again, I slowly touched her arm, getting no reaction again. I pulled her onto my lap, moving her head to my chest and covering her exposed ear, hoping the sound of my heartbeat calmed her down. She once said that she found the thumps calming, especially when coupled with how I smell, which apparently is like coconut, courtesy of the body lotion I use. I've offered to put it on Sawyer after bathtime. Still, she is rather particular about touch, says the cream makes her skin sticky, and isn't a fan.
"Mama is right here, Sawyer. I'm not going anywhere. You're ok. I'm ok. Everyone is ok," I whisper into her ear, repeating the phrase after each time she mumbles about leaving. Trying to assure her she's wrong.
I don't know how long we have been sitting here. Still, I really should move us because the sun is right over us. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable under it, so Sawyer must be too. The last thing she needs is heatstroke or sunburn on top of all of this. But I don't want to move her while she's like this; I know how panicked she gets when she wakes up and doesn't know where she is, so I just keep whispering assuring words in her ear, trying my very best to calm her down.
"You're still here? I thought you would have moved inside by now," I heard Lizzie ask as she walked over, holding Sawyer's comic in her hand. "She hasn't calmed down, and I don't like moving her when she's like this," I explained, pausing my whispering to Sawyer so that Lizzie could hear Sawyer's continuous mutterings. "She's not responding to anything I'm doing," I whispered, my voice cracking as I looked down at Sawyer as she muttered over and over about how I was going to leave her, her eyes void of everything.
"It's been an hour, Scar," Lizzie said worriedly as she watched us, making me want to cry at the realisation that Sawyer has been like this for so long, making my heart crack. "What am I supposed to do, Lizzie?" I ask, trying my hardest not to cry. "You're going to have to snap her out of it physically, Scar. Or move her. Otherwise, she's going to get sunstroke," Lizzie said softly, looking at Sawyer worriedly. "Fine, take a step back in case she lashes out physically at what I'm about to do," I warn before returning to Sawyer.
"Sawyer? Princess? Baby?" I asked softly, first wanting to give her a final chance to come out of her loop. "Sawyer," I say louder, rubbing her back. When that didn't work, I moved so that she was straddling me, and I leaned her back so she was leaning on my knees, which I had pulled up so that I could see her face. "Sawyer, I need you to talk to me," I say louder again, holding her head in between my hands, resisting the urge to shake her.
"Sawyer, please, I really don't want to do what I'm about to do. You don't need to speak; just look at me so I know you can hear me" I tried, but nothing. "Liz, can you clap right by her ear? It's the only thing I can think of to get her out of it. I'm hoping the loud noise startles her back to reality because if it doesn't, I'm going to have to splash her face with water. I'm positive that one will result in an outward reaction," I mumble, looking at Sawyer worriedly.
"Come on, baby, last chance to figure this out yourself. It's been an hour. Mama is right here, and I'm not going anywhere. You are safe, Sawyer. Mama is safe. Everyone is safe. You need to at least look at Mama so I know you're ok," I say sternly, holding her face close to mine as I look into her eyes. I want to cry when they remain void of emotion, unfocused on the wall over my shoulder.
"Go on then, Lizzie," I say, wanting to cry that this is what it has come to. I watched as Lizzie clapped by Sawyer's ear, making me jump from the sudden noise, let alone Sawyer. Well, it worked because as soon as Lizzie's hands met, Sawyer jumped out of my arms and sprinted across the garden.
"Shit," I mumbled, hopping up to follow her as she weaved around everyone who was still messing around. "Sawyer," I yelled, making everyone turn to me before looking around for the child.
I watched in what felt like slow motion as she ran behind Hemsworth, who took a step backwards, bumping her. I ran as fast as I could as I watched it happen.
Sawyer lost her footing and started to fall, not to the ground, though; she started to fall back into the pool.
The world sped up all at once as she hit the surface, falling under the water. I continued running to the pool, not understanding how Sawyer had gotten so far in front of me as it felt like years before I made it to the pool.
Evans had dived in after Sawyer, who didn't surface; I watched as he struggled to hold her as she screamed and kicked in his hold. "Sawyer, stay still; Chris is helping you," I try to soothe as Evans tries to keep them both afloat as Chris attempts to get her out of the water. As soon as he's close enough to the edge, I grab Sawyer and pull her to my chest as she flails.
"Sawyer, you need to breathe," I try to calm her down as she swings her little head around, obviously in a frenzy. I should have left her in her fugue state.
I'm such a bad Mom.
"Sawyer, baby, it's Mama. You have to breathe, or you are going to make yourself sick," I tried grabbing her head between my hands and leaning her head against mine, blowing onto her nose. "Blow on my face, baby," I said, repeating my actions again in an attempt to get Sawyer to breathe. I'm absolutely terrified that she is about to pass out, with how little air she seems to be getting into her lungs.
"It's alright, Sawyer. You're at Robert's place in Atlanta with the cast. Lizzie was the one who clapped; that was the loud noise. And then Chris knocked you into the pool by accident, but that's ok because the other Chris is the one who jumped in to help you. You're not with fake Daddy or with Cooper. You are with Mama. And I love you so much, baby; I'll never leave you. I'm sorry about it all. About upsetting you earlier, for making you feel like I was going to leave you again. For leaving in the first place. For all the pain I've put you through because I was a coward. Sawyer, I am so sorry for it all. Please, you need to breathe for Mama," I beg as she continues to hyperventilate on my lap.
"Ca- can't br-brea-the Mama", she choaks out, looking at me with scared eyes between laboured breath, each word hitching and catching as she tries to get air in her lungs. Oh, thank god she can hear me, at least. "Yes, you can, Sawyer. Breath with Mama, in one two three. Out one two three," I encourage, trying to soothe her. It felt like a lifetime, but I'm sure it was only a few minutes.
"That's it, baby, you're doing so well," I coo as she slowly starts to calm down. I watch as her cloudy eyes flicker around manically before calming as she settles on my face. Throwing her head into my neck and breathed deeply as she started sobbing.
It sounds horrible, but her sobbing made me release a breath I didn't know I was holding because at least now I know she is feeling something and is alert to her surroundings. "Shhh, baby. You are ok. I'm ok. Everyone's ok," I coo, rocking us as I try to settle her.
I slowly stood us up and walked over to the sun lounger from earlier, grabbing her backpack before walking over to the wall she had been sitting at before, grabbing Nat and her blanket and passing them to her, which she instantly took, pulling them to her chest tightly. Before I looked around for Lizzie, hoping to grab Sawyer's comic, all while Sawyer cried into my shoulder.
Everyone had gone inside to give Sawyer some space after the pool incident, so I wandered into the lounge. Seeing everyone, I smiled, "Hey, we're going to head out. Sorry about what just happened; Sawyer is really not a fan of the water. She had a bad day before, and I should have known better than to push her. It's been great seeing you all, and I'll see you on set next week," I said, waving at them all before Lizzie came over, holding out the comic.
"Oh, and thank you all so much for signing Sawyer's comic. She will be really happy about it once she's calmed down," I say, smiling at them appreciatively as I take the comic from Lizzie and place it in Sawyer's backpack delicately.
"Do you want me to drive you guys back? Save you the taxi?" Lizzie offered, making me smile at her. "Please," I accept before the three of us leave.