A/N: Thanks so much for your support, everyone!
Enjoy!
Meredith was in his bed. Well, not in his bed, but... She had propped herself beside him five minutes ago, but hadn't said anything. Alex waited for Meredith to speak, but she just lay there staring at the wall. This was bad. Usually she rambled. Usually, when something was on her mind, she wouldn't shut up about it. But now, all he listened to was her breathing. It worried him. It wasn't that long ago he was terrified that she would breathe her last.
Four years ago:
Alex looked up at Arizona from his position over the operating table. His pager beeped for the third time.
"Are you going to answer that?" she asked.
"No, I'm fine."
"I think you should answer that Karev."
"Why, so they can tell me she's dead?" he snapped. "No. We already lost O'Malley, and freakin' Shepherd. And Izzie left... I'm staying here. At least I'm fixing somebody." Alex turned his attention to the ten year old boy they were operating on.
"Alex, this boy is going to live thanks to you," Arizona replied. "But you can't be in here when Meredith needs you. Shepherd is gone, and George, and Izzie, which is precisely why you need to be in that room with her in case she wakes up, in case she fights."
"What if she doesn't? I know her... losing her baby? She wouldn't want to live anymore."
"Then you need to be there, and hold her hand, and tell her..." Arizona swallowed, "that it's okay to go."
Alex froze over his patient, his eyes locking with Arizona's crystal blue. He shook his head, "No... I can't, I..."
"Alex, she was there for you when everybody else wasn't. Don't be stupid. If Meredith dies, and you're not there? You will hate yourself. So you need to get out of my OR and be with her."
Angry that Arizona had to remind him how to be a friend, he barged out of the OR, snapping his gloves and yanking his surgical gown off before sprinting down the hall to the elevator.
His heart sucked up into his throat when he saw Richard and Bailey applying paddles to her chest. Meredith's pale body jerked as they shocked her heart. Fresh vivid memories of Izzie limp in his arms caused him to retch. When he finished, he looked up through the window and saw a regular rythmn on the monitors.
He heard the squeak of sneakers and Cristina was behind him, "I got here as soon as I could, what's happening? Is she-"
Alex suddenly realized that they weren't alone. All around the ICU, others had gathered. Lexie, Jackson, Callie, Hunt even. Richard and Bailey came out of Meredith's room as Lexie dashed in, full of tears.
Richard looked solemn as he saw the group. "We got her back," he said simply, but no one moved.
"What's going on?" Cristina asked Richard.
"Cristina," he said softly, "I need to talk to you."
"What? No... please, don't tell me-"
Richard lightly put a hand on the young resident's shoulder. "Come on..." He started to lead her down the hallway. Hunt followed after them.
Alex was left with Bailey, who looked sad and defeated watching Richard go down the hall with Cristina.
"Bailey, what the hell is going on?"
Her response was a shake of her head and a dismissive wave. Alex fought the rage inside of him, he grabbed her arm, "Just tell me!"
"This was the third time today that I had to resuscitate her. Her heart? Meredith Grey's heart, is breaking... She's been through a bomb, and a drowning, and a shooting... but this? This is..." Bailey broke down, sobbing into his chest.
Alex sighed, embracing his mentor. Whatever was happening right now was bad, really freaking bad. If Richard was talking to Cristina now, it was because they were discussing end of life care. Meredith had put Cristina in charge of that.
He gave Bailey one last squeeze before releasing her and walking into the room.
He stayed there with Lexie, not saying anything, just watching... In. Out. In. Out. The ventilator pushed air into Meredith's lungs... Up. Down. Up. Down. Her chest rose and fell, filling with air but not with life.
There was so much damage. A fractured pelvis, broken ribs, tension pneumothorax. She had a head lac, a broken wrist, internal bleeding, not to mention an emergency C-section. Blood loss strained her heart.
It had been twenty-one days since she'd been transferred here from Dillard Medical and besides natural healing, there'd been no improvement of her condition. She hadn't woken up.
He took her hand, pretending it was warmer and stronger than it was, and held it in his own, "Mer... You gotta- you can't just leave. You don't get to give up okay? Because that's not fair.. . I need you, Lexie needs you... Please."
He didn't know how long it was before Cristina and Richard returned. Cristina looked stricken as she handed Richard a clipboard. Hunt came up behind her, his hands on her shoulders.
"Karev," Richard said, "Lexie." He acknowledged them each with a slow nod. "It's been decided that we're going to remove life support... Meredith's heart is under a lot of stress, and it's causing her organs to fail... even with the vent," he shook his head.
"What the hell!" Alex shouted. He glared at Cristina, "You're just gonna let her die?"
"I...she's not fighting okay? She's given up. You think this was easy for me? I'm... I'm killing my best friend! I couldn't fix Derek and now I'm killing her too." Cristina nearly broke down right there.
"Karev," Hunt warned.
Cristina was right though, Meredith had given up. He saw it in her chart everyday. Alex wanted to punch something. Maybe she wanted to die, but he didn't want to lose her too. "See what you're doing Mer? You die... we die! We all freakin lose it!"
In the corner Lexie sobbed, clutching Meredith's good hand.
"Take a walk, Karev," Richard said gently, although there was a protective undertone in his voice.
He pushed past everyone, "No one touches anything until I get back."
He came back, after nearly breaking his hand on some drywall. After bawling like a girl in a locked supply closet. He cleaned himself up. If Meredith wanted to go... he had to help her go. She'd do the same for him.
He entered the room, saddened by what was about to go down. Cristina was on one side of the bed, Lexie on the other. Hunt leaned against the window to Meredith's room.
Richard nodded when he saw him. "Okay..." he started to explain what he was going to do, what tubes he was going to remove and when... but Alex tuned it out, staring at Meredith's pale face, and the nasty scar she had on the very top of her forehead. Richard's gloved hands pressed buttons and unhooked lines. Finally he pulled the tape off the breathing tube around her mouth and pulled the tube out with a disgusting sucking noise.
Meredith's chest fell as she exhaled her last breath. There was a long morbid silence, and Lexie placed her hand on Meredith's chest. They waited. For her heart to slow down, for the monitor to stop beeping. Alex wanted to tell her that it was okay to let go. That she should be with Derek in whatever afterlife she was supposed to be in. But the words were stuck in his throat.
And then she breathed. One huge gasp. And then another. Everyone in the room froze. She was breathing unsupported. Which shouldn't be happening.
Richard shook his head... "It's a reflex," he said calmly, "happens all the time."
But she kept breathing.
Cristina tore herself from Owen, "She's fighting!" She scrambled to the bed and started to reconnect all the lines and leads. "Lexie, get the oxygen! She's fighting!"
Alex couldn't watch anymore. It was killing him. "I'm outta here..." he said. Having drawn up enough courage to face Meredith's death, he just couldn't do it anymore.
Now:
"Mer?" he asked.
"I called Cristina, but she didn't answer."
"Oh."
"Lexie's leaving."
Alex sighed,"oh."
"Everybody leaves. Everybody dies." Meredith whispered.
"I'm here," he offered. He held her hand, thankful it was warm, that there was a steady pulse in her wrist.
"I'm deep in the woods Alex, deep."
"So you're depressed," Alex summed up. He'd seen it coming, and not just because it was the anniversary of the shooting. Cristina's departure was a big blow to her, despite the fact that they would still keep in touch. But it wasn't just that it was... something else. With Meredith, you couldn't push it. She had to bring it up, or else she wouldn't listen. Still..."You better not die on me, Mer. I can't take it."
She looked at him, shocked, "I am not suicidal!"
He scoffed. Maybe not, but her life was as dull as her last name. Her spark was gone. That was the worst part of it. Even when she'd been cleared for surgery, back in the game at the hospital, he rarely saw the spark in her eyes. She was giving up all over again. He wouldn't let her. "Why'd you come back? Why did you start breathing? I was there, ready to watch you die, ready to let you go... but you kept on fucking breathing!"
Meredith physically jerked at his response. She wrung her hands, an odd nervous habit. "If I tell you this... you have to promise not to admit me to the psych ward okay?"
He searched her gaze, she was scared... so scared and worried that he'd actually do it. "I won't, I promise."
Slowly, haltingly... she told him.
Four years ago:
Meredith floated in a grey void. No pain or feeling, but she could hear things.
"BP's dropping,"
"We're losing her!"
"We have to get the baby out!"
"Scalpel!"
"We need blood and clotting agents!"
In her muddled mind she thought she heard the wailing cry of a baby. Her baby!
And then she fell into blackness.
Black became grey again as she struggled back to semi-consciousness.
"Oh my God, Mer! Mer? You don't get to die... you have to fight. I'm your person, and I'm here for you."
"I can assure you right now she feels no pain."
"We need to get her stabilised. I want her transported to Shepherd Grace as soon as possible."
"And my grandchild?"
"Mrs. Shepherd... I'm sorry, but... the baby didn't make it."
What's the point? Meredith thought, and she stopped fighting against the grey, and allowed it to swallow her into the black.
Something changed. She'd been peaceful in this nebulous dreamspace. But something changed. She felt an incredible pressure on her chest. Pressing hard. She couldn't breathe. Where before the blackness had been harmless, it now seemed intent on taking her for good. Maybe that was okay.
She sensed something beyond that, she sensed... familiarity.
She was in OR one. She was dying wasn't she? This was it. She wanted to look around, move, but she was the one on the operating table. "What's going on?" she called out.
"She's been here... a long time." She recognized that voice, she used to be afraid of it, but now it only confirmed...
"Mom?" Oh God, she really was dying.
"There's not much time left." Someone spoke softly.
"George?" Meredith's heart fluttered. Oh God oh God oh God...
"Hm." Another voice said, and that voice nearly threw her over the edge.
"Derek!" She blinked, and now she could see them. Her mother, in full surgical attire, looking over her mask at her. Ellis Grey's gaze was sharp and focused.
"We have to open her up," Ellis said. "Ten blade, O'Malley."
"Do you think she'll make it?" George asked, appearing at Ellis' right side. His eyes were wide and hopeful.
"She's a fighter."
"I know... It's just-"
"It's up to her," Ellis said looking deeply into Meredith's eyes. "It's not your time Meredith. Retractor."
George handed Ellis a retractor. "You can still make it," he said.
But Meredith didn't want to. She gazed into Derek's deep blue eyes. She'd get to be here in whatever afterlife this was with him, and their baby... except where was the baby?
"You're not finished," Derek said with certainty.
"But- I can't... I need you. Der- I"
"Shh..." he put a finger over her lips, "Listen..."
She heard the wail again, the heartwrenching cy of her child. But how?
"It's not finished. You're not finished, Meredith."
The pressure returned, but she fought it. She just had to open her mouth and...
She breathed.
The OR disappeared. The blackness disappeared. She was back in the grey, but things felt different now. She breathed again. And again. She kept breathing, fighting for life... because her baby needed her.
Sounds and voices returned to her.
"I tore up the DNR. Mer's fighting."
"Her sats are up, she's improving."
"Whatever, It's like the Chief said, a final rally. She'll probably croak in a couple days."
"How can you say that Alex! That's my sister you're talking about! I should kill you right now."
"You can try. I have a patient to check on."
"You know Evil Spawn doesn't mean it right? He's just protecting himself."
"Whatever, Cristina. He should keep his mouth shut."
"Uhhh,"
"Did you hear that? Meredith?"
"What? Did she say something?"
"Humm."
Pain. She'd forgotten about it. How much it hurt. Everything hurt.
"Get Bailey and the Chief here, stat!"
She felt warmth on her cheeks.
"Mer, c'mon, open your eyes."
Cristina? Why? Why am I here? "Uhhh."
"Wake up! Please."
I can't. I don't want to. I'm tired.
"She moaned, Bailey! She's waking up!"
Something pulled on her eyelids, she saw white flashes.
"Pupils are reactive. She's in there."
"What, uh- what do we do?"
"We lower her sedation, and we wait. That's all we can do. She'll come out when she's ready."
xxx
"And then... I woke up later, but it didn't matter...I lost my baby." Meredith sighed. "So that's why... but it all seems pointless now."
"Please tell me you don't have a death wish." Alex pleaded, still gripping her hand.
She didn't. She didn't want to die, not after what she'd been through. She was a doctor. She valued life. And she was here for some reason right? "No. But what am I supposed to do now?"
"I don't know, Mer. What do you want to do?"
Suddenly everything in her burst, "Iwanttobeamom," she blurted. Was that the gaping hole that wore in her heart? She curled into Alex, her head falling on his chest as she sobbed. She didn't even realize that was what she wanted until she said it. Yet there was a bigger question, "How do I do that?"
A/N: Again, thanks everyone! Tell me your thoughts! Vote! Share, and add to your list!