The palace was quiet and I was left with my thoughts as I ascended the half-dozen flights of stairs up to my room. My mind was an abyss of dark, cold rage, my thoughts loud and rattling inside my skull. I had to ball my hands into fists to stop the power from pressing up against my skin to unleash.
But god did I want to unleash it.
As I took the last few steps up to my floor, exhaustion hit me and I couldn't think of anything else but sleep, maybe it was a better option though, to rid myself of everything that had happened the past forty-eight hours.
I hoped to sleep and escape all my poisonous thoughts of Loki, the nasty ones and the dirty ones too. To pretend there wasn't only a wall between us as I slept - stopping him from finishing what he started. To pretend that when I woke up everything might go back to normal, maybe luck would be on my side and Thor would allow me to escape back to the lighthouse for a while, maybe he might have Loki thrown out of the palace. I couldn't imagine he would want to throw me out, despite his embarrassment, really I should have run and left them to the world they were used to.
Though really I didn't want to run away and after the bombshell that Loki had dropped on me - that we were mates - I didn't want him running away either. I knew he would, eventually as he always did but now knowing the truth I'm not sure if it made it better or worse. So who was Loki protecting, himself or me?
As I stalked into my room, unpinning the circlet crown from my head and tossing it toward my bed I let out a surprised cry at the sight of Kit sitting on the edge of it.
The circlet missed the bed and dropped to the floor, the gold ringing out against the marble. Kit turned to me, first his eyes dropping to the circlet on the floor before lifting to me, his hands rested in his lap and he offered me a tight smile,
'I'm sorry. I can't seem to leave.'
I let out a long breath as the door slammed closed behind me and I started toward him. Kit stiffened on the bed, leaning back from me and I realised he was afraid. Of me. Of what I had done to him.
I averted my eyes, humiliated at myself that I had demanded he come to my room, that he was not there by choice. I gestured to the door, turning slightly from him, 'You can leave.'
Kit stood but didn't leave, instead, he stalked to the doors leading to the balcony and gestured me to follow. I did, swallowing back my questions and trying desperately to hide the blush creeping up my neck. What was this?
As if sensing my hesitation, as Kit opened the doors he shot me a tight smile over his shoulder, 'I've been in a cell for three weeks. I need some fresh air.'
'Right.' I answered not knowing what else to say for the sake of not getting my hopes up. My heart thundered as I followed Kit outside, the early morning light soft and gentle on my eyes. Maybe he just wanted to throw me off the balcony for all that I had done to him, both the enchantment and imprisonment. A small morbid part of me imagined greeting my death in the depths of the ocean that sparkled beneath the palace.
I took my place beside Kit, my eyes shifting from the ocean spread out before us and I could only watch as his hands grasped the bannister, his pretty eyes, settled upon the horizon in the distance and the soft golden orange of the sky.
Anxious to hear what he had to say to me, I spoke first,
'Kit-' I began but he turned to face me, his brows drawn together as his words were a rasp,
'I've sat in that cell and practised my speech, what I would say to you when I inevitably saw you again. I don't think I can say what I want to you without making an idiot of myself one way or the other.'
'Go on then.' I swallowed, my hands trembling at my sides.
'I'm decidedly in love with you Evangeline.' Kit's face transformed as he said the words, his eyes narrowing with sincerity, his lips pressed into a tight line. I could only let out an exhaled breath and fight back the bubble of nervous laughter in my throat.
My heart pounded in my chest as a blush spread across Kit's cheeks and he shook his head slightly, lowering his gaze,
'See, told you, idiot.'
'But we're-'
'Strangers?' he answered for me, meeting my gaze once again with a firm nod. He knew it was as crazy as I was imagining it to be. Though a feral part of me, the one that could only see the man before me as something to control, devour, enchant was enjoying his nervousness and his admission. I fought to keep my eyes on his though I had wanted to drag them down his body at recalling him telling me he wanted to be my pet. If he could so easily admit how he felt about me would he do anything I asked?
'Yes, strangers.' I answered him after a moment, my hands curled into tight fists at my side to reign in the power that pulsed against my skin like its own heartbeat. If I had let it slip would it enchant Kit, have him do anything I bid, or worse, harm him? Would it mistake my sexual hunger as murderous intent?
As if sensing my fears Kit raised his hands, 'You're not making me say this.'
'You can't just decide to be in love with me.' Even as the words left my mouth it felt ridiculous, and my eyes flitted over to the closed doors leading to Loki's room.
'Why not?' Kit asked like it was the simplest thing in the world, to just decide to love someone. To decide to love me.
My gut twisted at the realisation that Loki had never been able to make that decision for me as easily as Kit - a complete stranger - had. It hurt worse than I could imagine knowing that even though our lives were twisted together, Loki and I were made for one another and he could not make the choice to love me as easily as I had for him. It felt like a betrayal, it proved that Loki was powerful and I was powerless, an unwilling victim and then my chest tightened with anger, my skin burning.
'That isn't how it works.' I told Kit, my tone fierce and a frown settling on my face.
'Did Loki tell you that?' he shot back, his own gaze shifting to the doors behind me. I made the mistake of following his gaze, my heart fluttering imagining Loki standing there listening to our conversation but he wasn't there.
A warm wind picked up on the balcony and ruffled my hair and I turned back to Kit who looked at me with raised brows, expecting me to lie to him and deny my involvement with my uncle, deny that nothing was happening between us romantically. But what was the point, Kit had seen how Loki reacted earlier in the cells, it was more than a fiercely protective uncle, it would be hard to dismiss his behaviour as anything other than jealousy.
'Something like that.' I breathed and turned back to the bright morning sky before us, gripping the bannister like a lifeline, holding everything inside of me, to stop myself from tumbling over into the water and drowning in everything I felt.
Kit's sigh sounded apologetic and he leant forward on his forearms, looking up at me, 'Does it hurt, not having him love you back?'
There were nasty words I wished to spew at Kit at that moment, though I expected my power to pulse against my skin in anger at his bold words it didn't and my shoulders slumped with a long sigh. I had to take several shallow breaths to swallow down the lump in my throat before I spoke, still not looking at Kit beside me,
'It feels like I'm being punished.'
'Maybe that is his intent, he seems to enjoy playing the part of the villain.'
I felt myself grow angry at Kit's words, how easily he had stereotyped Loki as the rest of the world had done. Yes, his past actions had painted him as the villain, and he had been honest in his intent as to why he had first come to earth, but since then he had proved himself, his service to the throne at least.
'He is not bad. I wish people would stop saying that.' my eyes landed upon Kit beside me but he did not fight me on it, I felt a little regretful at snapping to Loki's defence at the look that passed upon Kit's face, how apologetic he looked for making such quick judgements,
'It will not keep you alive, loving him so fiercely.'
I knew this. It just hurt more having Kit - an almost stranger - tell me this. I knew if I kept on this path I would become what Thor believed I would become - Djǫfull - I would grow wicked in my loneliness, and my desperation and wanting I had for Loki would turn into resentment. I wasn't sure what would come quicker, hating him or myself.
My eyes had fallen onto my palms stretched out before me, threads of magenta power circled there like small spiderwebs in a soft wind but they did not pulse or unleash themselves from my touch - almost as if my power was not a part of me, its own beast. I had an inkling that eventually whatever power I held inside of myself would make its own decision about what to turn me into. Hero or villain.
I clenched my fists as I felt Kit's eyes upon me, watching and waiting for me to do something with my power. I wished that Frigga had not been so abrupt with her words, that she had given me more information, that she might have told me how to control my emotions and the power I now had no idea how to control.
Loki is your future she had said. And briefly, I had allowed myself to think her words were fantastical, almost hopeful, and that I might share a happy and loving future with Loki. But now the words soured and turned black in my mind, a curse rather than a wish. Had she known when she had told me my fate that Loki would dismiss it, that he had plans of his own?
My mind snagged on another piece of information Frigga had told me, something about having multiple fates, she had told me that she hadn't wished to reveal so much should she change my path. I hadn't allowed myself to take in everything she had said before, too caught up in my turbulent emotions for Loki, the confusion of the crash and everything that had transpired at the Avengers Compound.
I pushed off the balcony and stalked back into my room, I felt Kit's eyes upon me as I paced. I needed the movement to channel my thoughts which were pounding against my skull. Had Frigga mistakenly told me that Loki was not my only choice, that perhaps I had another chance at happiness?
I stopped for a brief moment and looked up to find Kit hovering by the balcony doors,
'When you say you're in love with me, what do you mean?'
Kit opened his mouth to speak, his brows furrowed as he struggled to find the words but I raised a hand to hush him, to explain myself instead,
'Do you mean that you see a future with me, do you want me to love you too?' I pressed my lips firmly together, hating that my question sounded so desperate.
Kit hesitated and reached up to run his fingers through his hair, 'Eva, I don't really know. I thought I might just tell you how I felt before I left. I hadn't really made a plan.'
I tried to hide my disappointment with a tight smile. I had half-expected Kit to have made a grand gesture of his love for me, to have pledged himself to me for eternity or for him to make dramatic promises of a life together filled with devotion and passion. I suppose being a princess only inflated my romantic ego. I tried not to imagine it had anything to do with being hopelessly in love with the God of Mischief, and how dramatic everything he did was.
Kit took several steps into the room, still hesitant of me but his smile was kind and his blue eyes did nothing but bring me closer to him. I appreciated the way the sunrise illuminated him, something about him seemed luminous, whether it was my tired mind playing tricks or just getting caught up in the moment - it almost seemed as if Kit looked younger, cleaner, his hair darker and face unshaven like Loki's. My stomach dropped imagining that Loki would reveal himself wearing Kit's skin, that all of this was a sick prank.
But Kit stepped toward me and the light shifted, he looked his usual self save for a smirk playing across his lips, I beat away any thoughts that it was Loki before me,
'What is this about?' Kit asked me, 'Why do I feel like you're making a plan?'
'I'm deciding my fate.' I folded my arms over my chest, now more cautious about what I might share with Kit should it really turn out to be Loki toying with me.
'You can't decide your fate.' Kit shook his head, a frown settling on his face.
'I think I can. I think I have to if I want to be happy.'
'Eva, I'm not a substitute for your happiness with him.' the way in which Kit said it devastated me and had me feeling small. The truth of his words stung, it hurt, even more, knowing that he could see through me so easily. I had never meant to think of him as a substitute, but I suppose some part of me knew that whoever I ended up with would inevitably be Loki's replacement.
He looked at me, a forceful breath escaped his nostrils as his brows furrowed and his jaw clenched. Kit started for the door wordlessly, brushing past me in a long stride, his hands buried in his pockets.
'Kit,' I called after him, trying to grasp onto an apology but nothing that came to mind would prove him wrong. The man admitted he was in love with me after spending three weeks locked in a cell and I had basically told him that he was my plan B.
I didn't follow him, thinking it best to let him go and be angry with me, maybe I even supposed that he could save himself the devastation of ending up with me and trying to fit into this fractured version of a family. But as I stood there, alone in my room I realised that I hadn't wanted to be a part of whatever trio Thor and Loki and I were. Inevitably I would be alone. Loki would leave and Thor would follow his friends wherever they went and be a hero to the world, and I would be alone awaiting my fate as Djǫfull.
I wasn't willingly going to head toward that future. I could love Kit, I thought perhaps I could love anyone that wasn't Loki if I tried hard enough. Even if it wasn't as deep, as fierce as my need for Loki, I could at least grant myself the favour of being happy. For a time. I could convince myself eventually that Loki was not what I needed.
I rushed from my room, swearing in frustration at the skirt of my dress getting caught under my feet as I sailed down the stairs with heavy breaths. Once I reached the ground floor I paused for a moment to catch my breath and followed the long halls towards the front of the palace.
The large gilded doors were open to showcase the gardens beyond but instead of being filled with tourists, a gathering of armoured men blocked my way. Some were fit out in the plated gold of the Einherjar, standing tall and fierce against more men in similar armour of rich crimson and silver.
Amongst them, voice deep and compelling was Thor. I hesitated to move further, not able to understand what he was saying, his words quick and furious in the Asgardian language. I could not see who he spoke to and thought to move toward Thor and ask but I didn't have to as he turned toward me, the Einherjar parting in one swift movement to reveal Kit stood before Thor, his left hand raised as if to halt the crimson guards behind him.
'What's going on?' my voice felt far away as I strode toward Thor, his eyes met mine and though I could still sense he was angry at me, he tried to bite back his grin as he spoke, but his words fell away, muted and garbled as I took in Kit before us.
But it wasn't Kit. Not fisherman Kit, not human Kit. There was no grey in his hair, his face was clean-shaven, his eyes were a deeper blue, and no lines creased his forehead with age, his teeth were white and straight, he was startingly gorgeous. As he blinked at me I let out a sharp breath, the golden glow of the morning upon the gardens did little to help my staring at Kit as he finally spoke,
'I didn't quite get to tell you the entire truth about who I am Eva. I'm sorry.' he dropped his head in what looked like a bow and I stood there wordlessly. Thor spoke my name beside me before letting out a soft laugh but I didn't quite get the joke or the fucking punchline.
Kit offered me a tight smile and opened and closed his mouth as if hesitating to speak to me, he glanced once at Thor who flicked his hand out at him as if in encouragement. My heart thundered in my chest in anticipation of his words of explanation. How he had gone from human, fisherman, stranger to something decidedly inhuman and ethereal and important from the looks of the guards that flanked either side of him.
'My name is Khristophe Nielsson, third son of King Nielsson of Vanaheim,' Kit spoke and his words were confident, his chin lifted slightly as he spoke, offering me the truth about who he was.
'Prince of Vanaheim.' Thor leant down to me and whispered the words. I stood back, away from Thor who was grinning like Kit's title meant something like they had not all lied to me since my arrival about who he was.
'The Thrice Prince?' I blurted out loudly, my voice seeming to echo around the gardens. I felt the eyes of all men on me, judging, curious, belittling me as I stood there amongst them and I could only move away from them as Kit moved toward me, his hands raised in apology for his lies.
I could not settle my nerves as the Einherjar shifted behind me, blocking my path back into the palace with their strength and gold-plated armour. Kit's own guards mirrored those behind me and Thor shifted beside me telling me to calm down, to take a deep breath but the soothing tone he used only felt like a betrayal like he was trying to convince me that this was not a trap, that the guards blocking my exits meant me anything but harm.
That thing beneath my skin, the power that had stayed hidden for a brief while rose up to the surface of my skin and as I glanced down I could see my forearms tinted in magenta. I felt the world tilt, my thoughts raced in a jumbled blur, my only understanding was that I was not safe, that there in that palace, with the man who was supposed to be my father, I was not safe. I had been lied to, manipulated, and influenced so that I could be what they needed me to be.
I glanced up at Kit, his eyes cast downward to my hands. Thor spoke my name as a warning.
And I let it loose.