March 20th, 2006
"Okay, Cass," Ranjit coaxes across the table. "The solution of silver nitrate does not have a current flow moving through it because the circuit is open. We need to close the circuit by using a..."
He looks at me expectantly with an eager smile.
He and I, along with Sabrina, finished eating our lunches awhile ago but we've taken advantage of the endless coffee at Pelican to fuel our midterm study session. We sit in our usual spot by the window where the abundant sunshine warms the booth. But despite the nice weather and good company, I feel listless and full of dread.
I thought I'd feel better after breaking up with Aram. And while there was immediate relief, breaking up with him was simultaneously liberating and awful. My heart continues to ache with a soreness I can't quite place, nothing seems okay.
But then again, I haven't been okay in a very long time.
I chew the inside of my lip nervously, trying but failing to focus.
"Um... a salt bridge?" I guess haphazardly.
"Yes! The salt bridge will transmit the current with moving ions, and because we're using sodium nitrate the electrons will flow left to right, letting anions pass through on the left..."
Ranjit's mouth continues to move, but I'm no longer able to pay attention to his words.
He and Sabrina have been my constant shadows since that horrible night, ferrying me from class to class and making sure I'm accompanied at all times. Without them, I would have been a total wreck -- between Aram's many phone calls and trying not to run into Zac in the hallway because I'm still too ashamed to face him, Ranjit and Sabrina are the reasons why I did not spiral into depression this past week. And while I'm immensely grateful for the way my friends have shown their care, I can't help but feel as though my entire life has been put on hold, that I've been damaged in some way.
"Did you hear what I just said?" Ranjit asks, waving his hand in front of my face.
My eyes snap up to meet his.
"I-I'm sorry," I mumble. "Can you repeat the question?"
"Okay," he says, quirking an eyebrow. "How would you determine the oxidizing agent and reducing agent without balancing any equations in the third problem?"
I stare at the questions on our practice problem set, trying to concentrate. But all that comes to mind is the broken look on Aram's face the moment I told him it was over, and how I really, really can't stand chemistry.
Chemistry has sapped all of my joy and energy, and I am suffocating. I've never loved chemistry. I only ever started down this path to make Ba happy. And as much as I want him to be happy, it feels like all along, I've been dying a very slow death.
I need to break up with chemistry, the same way I broke up with Aram.
"I... I can't do this anymore."
The words slip out of me unexpectedly in a whisper.
"What?" Ranjit frowns. "I didn't catch that, what did you say?"
I'm tired of pretending I'm okay.
"I can't do this anymore," I repeat as hot tears begin to fall from my eyes.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey--"
Alarmed, Ranjit leans across the table and peers up at me.
"Cass, what's wrong?"
Once I start, I can't stop. The tears spill rapidly down my face with gusto, and I bury my face in my hands.
"Everything," I cry. "Everything is wrong."
Sabrina finally catches on and tosses her headphones onto the table. They clatter loudly as she whirls around to grip my hand.
"Cassie! Oh my God, what's going on? What happened?"
She glances at Ranjit, who shakes his head worriedly.
"Are you stressed about midterms?" he asks dubiously.
"Is it Aram?" Sabrina seethes violently.
Hearing his name only makes me cry harder. I sink down in my seat and squeeze myself tightly, buffeted by an unseen tide of emotion.
"Tell us what's going on," Sabrina urges gently. "You can be honest with us, Cass."
A sound like a strangled sob mixed with a wobbly laugh comes out of me. If only she knew how dishonest I've been -- with everyone and everything, including myself.
I let out a shaky breath.
"It's not about Aram. It's about everything else," I respond, my voice quavering. "I haven't been honest about a lot of things."
Ranjit and Sabrina exchange a concerned look.
"What do you mean by that, Cass?" he asks, his voice soft and soothing.
I glance from Ranjit to Sabrina, taking in their troubled expressions. I no longer have anything to lose by telling my friends the truth. And I've lost the strength to keep up pretenses.
"I... wanted to go to school for music," I shudder quietly. "For as long as I remember, music was all I ever wanted to do. I got into Eastman."
"You never told me that!" Sabrina's eyes widen with surprise. "That was your dream school!"
"Eastman... isn't that all the way up in Rochester?" Ranjit inquires.
Sabrina shushes him and nudges me to continue. I inhale, knowing the next part will be difficult to articulate out loud.
"Yeah, it was my dream school. I poured my heart and soul into that audition, and I got in. But my dad didn't want to send me to Eastman. He told me he... couldn't love me if I pursued music," I swallow. "So, I accepted CHU's offer and declared a premedicine major. I thought--" my voice breaks-- "I thought, if I could just prove to him that I'm worthy, a-and smart and capable, he'd accept me."
"Oh, honey..."
Sabrina slides over and throws her arms around me.
"I've been pretending I'm someone I'm not," I chuckle sadly. "In more ways than one. I don't want to be a doctor. I hate chemistry. I just convinced myself it would be better this way. And I've been fooling everyone, and fooling myself that this is what I want... but the truth is, it's not what I want at all."
The air is heavy with my admission of truth. Ranjit sighs deeply, his eyes full of compassion.
"You know, Dr. Hahn saw through the lies," I inform him. "She called me to her office. I thought she was going to fail me, but she just asked if I was happy. And I can't remember the last time I was truly happy."
I sigh, weary and relieved not to be carrying this load anymore.
"I fooled myself into thinking Aram was what I wanted, too," I murmur. "I just wanted to be loved. But it's too late."
"It's not too late," Sabrina says quietly. "It's never too late!"
"What do you want, Cass?" Ranjit asks, his tone firm and hopeful.
I look at him, eyes red and raw from crying.
"I don't know," I confess. "But not this," I gesture to the problem set laid out on the table.
The three of us fall silent. Sabrina gets up and fetches a glass of water for me, while Ranjit sits with his arms folded across his chest, deep in thought.
Fortunately, the Pelican is quite empty in the middle of the afternoon. My friends are the only ones to have witnessed my breakdown. Sniffling, I drink the water from Sabrina, feeling tired but more clearheaded now that I've relinquished a great burden.
After awhile, Ranjit speaks.
"I know what it feels like to want to prove yourself to your dad."
His smile is somber and sad.
"There's nothing I want more than to hear my dad tell me he's proud of how far I've come," Ranjit says. "But he's gone. I'll never get that validation, and it fucking hurts."
He holds my gaze.
"My dad was rough around the edges, just like yours. As a kid, I never felt good enough for him. But I know that if he were alive today, he'd be proud of me, even if I chose not to follow his footsteps. I don't think this is what your dad would want for you, Cass," Ranjit says softly. "Even though his words hurt, I think your dad would want you to live. I know that's what my dad would want for me."
His words are a gentle rainfall, light and restorative like a balm.
Ba's idea of a good life was to take a great risk and move to a new country for a better future. Perhaps it's my turn to take a great risk, even if there is no guarantee of success.
A cascade of thoughts begin to click in my head, igniting a flicker of wild hope. Suddenly, I stand.
"I... I need to go somewhere," I announce. "Right now. I need to go."
"Wait, where are you going?" Ranjit stammers, confused.
"I'm so sorry, I can't explain -- I just need to go!"
I climb over Sabrina and clamber out of the booth, a sense of urgency gripping my heart.
"What about your stuff?!" Sabrina yells after me.
"Leave it!" I call over my shoulder. "I'll be back!"
I race through Pelican and push through the front doors. The not-yet spring breeze is chilly but not terrible, spurring me onward as I dash across campus.
This is a half-baked, crazy idea, I think deliriously as my feet pound the concrete pavers. But I have nothing left to lose, and for once in my life I am making a decision with my heart and not my head.
God, I hope I'm not too late.
I run until I reach the Round, now green with the promise of soft summer grass and speckled with yellow daffodils. Sprinting towards Crane Recital Hall, I loop up the familiar stairs and burst into the atrium, searching frantically for the directory.
Once I find what I'm looking for, I hurry up another flight of stairs to the second floor. I pass several offices and finally find the right door.
My heart slams against my chest as I knock once, twice, three times.
"Come!"
Dr. McLeish smiles brightly at me when I enter her office nook. She wears a light pink cardigan today with a jean skirt. Scores of musical compositions litter her desk, where a tiny Scotland flag waves next to a massive carafe of tea.
"Dr. McLeish," I say breathlessly, my legs cramping from running so hard. "I'd like to audition to the music program. I want to be a music major."
Her smile stretches into a full grin, and she motions to the tufted leather lounge chair across her desk.
"I knew you'd come around," she beams.
---
Ranjit and Sabrina are shocked when I tell them all that transpired after my conversation with Dr. McLeish.
"But she only gave you four days to prepare! That's hardly enough time!" Sabrina protests.
"It's the best she can do, given how last minute this is," I explain. "Most incoming students have already auditioned. They're extending the deadline for me due to special circumstances because I am already a student, and also because Dr. McLeish personally vouched for my potential. Apparently, she has a lot of clout in the department."
"Damn," Ranjit whistles. "When will you know if you got in?"
"Probably after we get back from spring break," I shrug.
"You're a badass!" Sabrina teases. "Strong, talented, and confident... you'll definitely get in!"
"It's not the audition I'm worried about," I shake my head and sigh.
"Then why the long face?" Ranjit asks.
I smile weakly and stare at my hands.
"Because now I have to tell my dad."
---
My audition takes place at two o'clock on Friday afternoon, hours before Ma is set to bring me back home for spring break.
Dr. McLeish, along with three other professors, come to judge my audition. My repertoire is simple -- I use the pieces I originally prepared for Eastman and give my best effort on that beautiful stage. When I finish, I thank the judges sincerely and return to my dorm, resisting the urge to analyze and critique my own performance.
By the time Ma's green van turns into the Swan Hall lot, my nerves are completely fried. I barely speak a word to my family at dinnertime, instead choosing to cram as much of Ma's delicious food as I can in my belly until I pass out on my bed, all before nine o'clock.
A noise from beneath my bedroom window jars me from my sleep. I sit up slowly and stretch my arms. The small clock on the cherry-stained antique desk in my room tells me that it's just past one in the afternoon.
I slept for fourteen hours.
Standing, I peer out my window. Below in our backyard, Ba drags a noisy wheelbarrow back and forth as he carts supplies to and from the garden beds. My heart squeezes with guilt and sadness as I watch him kneel besides newly planted pansies and lilacs with a large bag of mulch.
I should have been honest with Ba from the very beginning and told him how his words hurt me. Instead, I made a reactive and careless decision without considering the impact of my actions. It's the same carelessness that led me to date Aram so quickly after being hurt by Zac.
I should have been more honest with him, too.
Without thinking, I grab a sweatshirt and stride out of my bedroom. Downstairs, Lex is playing a video game in the living room and Ma is chatting rapidly with a friend on the phone. They don't notice me slipping into the garage, where I slide on an old pair of sneakers and head for the backyard.
It's overcast and damp outside. My shoes squelch in the soft grass as I pad over to Ba and lower down to his side.
"Can I help?" I ask.
Ba jabs a gloved hand towards the giant bag of mulch. "Sure. Help."
Locating an extra pair of garden gloves, I roll up my sleeves and begin to scoop and spread fresh mulch over the flower beds. We work in silence side by side, moving the fresh earth together. From the corner of my eye, I notice new creases around Ba's eyes and silvery hair at his temples.
Is it just me, or does Ba somehow seem older and frailer?
All I've ever wanted in life was for Ba to be proud of me, but the mere prospect of not having his approval makes me feel as though I could shrivel up and die. When I was with Aram, I tried my best to make him happy by denying myself my own happiness -- and in the end, I still got hurt. Ba may never give me the approval I crave, but I no longer want to hide who I am from the people I love.
My heart starts to hammer, and my emotions swell as I realize the truth – I want Ba to know who I'm becoming, even if he'll never accept me. Terrified, I draw a deep breath and close my eyes.
"Ba, I need to tell you something."
He rips open a new bag of mulch and sits back on his heels, wiping his brow.
"Yeah?"
Inside, my heart races at a wild gallop.
"I know education is very important to you," I begin, trying to sound brave. "You raised Lex and me to work hard, be studious, and steady in our learning. I'm so grateful for everything you and Ma have sacrificed for us to thrive in this country."
Ba's shoulders tense as he turns his attention towards me.
"What are you trying to say?" his voice is gruff.
I swallow. This is so much harder than I thought.
"Baba, I tried my hardest this past year, I really did," I say, my voice trembling. "You said that I had to earn your love, and I chose pre-medicine and to become a doctor because I thought it would make you proud. But no matter how hard I studied, I couldn't measure up to the rest of the students in class. Especially chemistry."
Crying, I sink deeper into the grass, unable to look at him.
"I couldn't stand being in chemistry anymore, pretending to be someone I'm not," I sob. "I auditioned to the music program at Copper Hill. Baba, I'm so sorry. I can't be who you want me to be. Please forgive me."
Ba's eyes cloud over with a troubled look. He unclenches his hand, the one holding the garden spade, and it tumbles onto the soft grass.
He's not saying anything, I panic. What have I done?
He sighs deeply and stares at the ground when he speaks.
"No, Cassie... I'm the one who needs forgiveness."
Ba's shoulders slump forward.
"I have not stopped thinking about what I said to you before you left for college last year," he says mournfully, his voice breaking. "To this day, I'm filled with remorse for speaking those words to you. And I am sorry if this is too little, too late."
My dad turns to face me with tears in his eyes.
"Please forgive me," he continues shakily. "A father should never make his daughter doubt his love for her."
My heart cracks loudly as Ba begins to weep.
"Cassie, you must understand," Ba rasps. "It was not easy for your Ma and I when I first came to this country. We were newly married, very poor, expecting a baby, with no one to help us. Being an immigrant taught me that the only way to get respect was to rise above those around me, no matter the cost. We did not have many choices except to survive. Succeeding and raising our family here was my dream, but I never meant for you to carry my burden."
"I just want you to be proud of me," I whisper softly.
"I am proud! I've always been proud of you!" he exclaims, gripping my shoulders.
"But I'm not going to be a doctor," I blubber. "I won't be applying to medical school--"
"Yang Kai Zhen."
Ba's tone is gentle and soft, and hearing him speak my given name in Mandarin makes me cry even harder, though I'm not sure why.
"I know you chose medicine to try to make me happy, but in doing so you are yourself unhappy," Ba says sadly. "And I cannot be happy if you are unhappy. You must follow your own path, and your own dream."
The air in my lungs vanish momentarily. I can hardly believe what I'm hearing.
"I would have loved to study music when I was in college," he sighs wistfully. "I wasn't nearly as good as you, and back then there was no way for me to support a family as a musician. I never had the chance. But now I see that I've held you back for too long, and I never should have discouraged you in the first place."
"Baba... what are you saying?"
"You were never going to be a doctor!" he laughs, wiping the residual tears from his eyes. "You're my daughter, aren't you? Music is in your blood. I've known it since the moment you gave your first recital when you were six years old."
He smiles warmly at me.
"When do you hear back about your audition?" he asks.
"Probably when I return to campus," I croak hoarsely. "But I probably won't get in."
"Not with that attitude, you aren't," Ba grins.
He stands to his feet and stretches, wincing. I follow suit, feeling lightheaded and strange after telling Ba the truth. In a rare moment of affection, Ba wraps me in his arms and hugs me tight.
"Put that stubbornness of yours to use, Cassie," he says. "Sometimes, you need to believe in yourself even when no one else will. There's nothing else you can do but wait now... the rest is up to God."
"I love you, Baba," I whisper into his shoulder as tears of relief and gratitude well in my eyes.
Ba and I hold onto each other a little longer in that messy garden amidst new blooms and freshly dug earth. Ba's embrace is an answered prayer, and his blessing for me to pursue music a benediction. I close my eyes and breathe, feeling full and unmistakably happy.
Thank you, I whisper up to the sky.