February 24th, 2006
I read the email from the lab tech firm in Port River again and let the words wash meaninglessly over me.
[Dear Mr. Jacobs,
Thank you for your interest in the entry level biology technician position. Due to the high volume of qualified job applicants, we are no longer able to consider you for the position. Best of luck on your job search elsewhere.
Sincerely,
LabAccel]
It wouldn't be so gutting if it were the first rejection I've received thus far. But the four other emails and voicemails just like it from labs and research firms all over the greater Copper Hill Valley scream my fate as an undesirable and unemployable member of society.
I wasn't even considered for Father's company, CureGen.
"Companies like ours want fresh hires with internship and research experience," Father explained when I told him my predicament. "I suggested for you to apply last summer, but you dismissed the notion."
"How was I supposed to know?!" I had demanded wildly.
"This is part of the experience," he said wryly, with a shrug.
"Try to be patient," Mother had urged. "God won't let you down. The right job is out there for you somewhere."
But she's wrong, because lately it feels like God doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Nothing has been going according to my plan, and things are quickly spiraling out of my control.
Like how Cassie effectively murdered my vision for our future together.
I've been trying to tell myself that her less than enthusiastic response is just a minor setback, but I'm starting to lose hope. The last thing I expected for her to do after laying out my intentions was to reject me.
She doesn't want you like you want her, the voices whisper to me at night.
What is happening to us? Cassie used to be my Polaris, my guiding star, the bright light that drowns out the darkness. But now, she's become part of the hurricane tearing me down, threatening to hurtle me into an endless void of despair. What gives her the right to toy with my heart in this way?
Doesn't she know how much I love her?
I clutch my head in my hands shakily, trying my best not to be buffeted by the swarm of thoughts warring in my mind.
I thought you were FOR me, God! Why have you abandoned me?
A dull, throbbing pain pulses from the center of my forehead to my temples as the cacophonous symphony swells in my brain again.
Useless.
Weak.
No one wants you to work for them. Your family doesn't care about you.
Cassie doesn't love you.
"Aughhh!" I kick the computer chair violently, my breaths coming in fast.
I need to go to the gym. I need to coax my body to come back into itself. I need to feel my muscles tear and cry with desperation to drown out this damnable desolation inside.
But for the first time, I'm terrified that it won't be enough.
---
My mind is a blizzard of black thoughts and agony. I grip the weights tighter and huff as sweat begins to collect on my face.
I love her. I want her. Why doesn't she want me?
I drop the weights and they clunk loudly onto the floor. I drag a towel across my brow and gulp down some water.
My life before Cassie felt lackluster and meaningless. She is supposed to be the reason for my happiness and sense of purpose. But lately, all we've done is fight and disagree...
"Hey," Mal's voice sounds distorted through the din. "You okay, man?"
I blink several times, trying to convince my body to come back into itself.
"I've been rambling for a few minutes now, and you didn't interrupt me with your usual snark, not even once!" Mal laughs. "Did you hear any of the things I just said?"
I look at him blankly and shake my head no.
Mal puts a hand behind his head and gives a small smile. "I've decided to transfer out of Copper Hill after this year. CHU has been great, but I need to get on track for seminary. It's the right thing to do. So, it looks like we'll both be leaving after May!"
"How can you be sure it's the right thing to do? You never even declared a major!" I blurt.
Mal shrugs. "God's timing isn't ours. I just know this is what I'm supposed to do."
Something snaps in my brain in that moment.
"God? God?!" I scoff, standing to my feet.
Without another word, I grab my belongings and leave Mal sitting there alone in the gym.
---
She's an asteroid careening towards earth, and I am burning up in her comet.
I thread my fingers through her hair and pull her closer as we kiss, the heat of her mouth feeding the unquenched lust in my gut.
Burning, burning, burning. I'm burning up in her fire.
She wraps her arms around my waist but I need her closer. I walk her backwards until she bumps against the cinderblock wall in her room with nowhere else to go. She is soft and feminine in all the right places, and it's taking all of my rapidly vanishing self-control not to have my way with her.
Because I want to wreck her.
Her mouth tastes like molten sugar and lilac oblivion. It's a shame her lips feel like sin when her words are a serrated knife, slicing through my hopes and dreams every time she tells me she's not as serious about me as I am about her.
"I'm still figuring out what I want," she had said.
Growling, I grip the back of her thigh and hoist her leg over my hip and grind into her. The noise she makes in response lights my nerve endings aflame, and I nip a trail of kisses along the curve of her jaw.
"Aram!" she gasps.
"Say my name again," I rasp, feeling myself slip out of control.
She inhales sharply as I press my mouth above her collarbone and suck--
She grabs my shoulders firmly and pushes me away, holding me at arm's length. Her face is flushed and her pupils bright and dilated. I smirk when I see the mark I made on her delicate skin.
"We can't keep doing this," she says.
I blink several times. My body is throbbing everywhere. The heady fog of desire and need painfully fades as I sink back to reality, the spell between us finally broken. I groan wearily and force myself to take a step back from her.
"We can't spend all of our time together making out," she murmurs, rubbing her neck.
"It's not like we're good at anything else," I mutter acerbically.
"What?"
Cassie's cheeks are pink. She's flustered.
Good.
"I think you're purposefully using your sex appeal to distract me," I quip angrily, crossing my arms. "Because you don't actually want to talk about our future. The future you don't want."
"I never said that I don't want--"
"You've never said that you wanted it!" I retort. "Honestly, Cassie, this whole time I thought we were on the same page. But now it's clear to me that you don't want me as much as I want you. Maybe it's over for us," my voice cracks as my eyes begin to fill with tears. "Maybe we need to break up."
"No!"
Her hands fly towards me, clutching my arm. Her eyes are wild with fear and anxiety.
Let her be scared. Let her taste what it feels like to not have the upper hand.
"I'm sorry," she cries. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I do want a future with you!"
I take in her tear-streaked cheeks and panicked expression. I like seeing her this way, needy and desperate and dependent.
I can be compassionate and tender. I can show her mercy. After all, she's young and inexperienced, and eventually when we are husband and wife, none of this will matter. When that day comes, she will be mine and I will be hers.
"I believe you," I say softly, stroking her face.
I brush my thumb along her bottom lip and fight the urge to claim her mouth with mine. Leaning close, I whisper into the shell of her ear.
"Don't make me doubt you again."
---
Cassie insists we busy ourselves with other activities so that we aren't playing with fire each time we're together.
She tells me to bring her to church.
Mother and Father are thrilled when they see her. She meets Pastor Merrick, who glances at me knowingly even though he doesn't know anything about us at all. Cassie listens to his sermon attentively while I zone out, eager to be anywhere but in a place where God can interfere with my life.
Not that God has really cared about my life to ever interfere in it.
I wrestle Cassie away from Mother and Father's clutches after the service. Mother wanted to bring her back home for lunch, but I have no interest in yet another meal where my family fawns over Cassie's brilliance or brings up my own failures. To Mother's disappointment, I insist that Cassie and I head back to campus to study for exams. The whole ordeal takes longer than I expect, and by the time we are finally on our way back to CHU, I am hungry and tired and irritable.
Cassie is quiet as we approach Crescent Drive from the north. While most married couples I know can sit in companionable silence with one another, Cassie's presence offers little to no companionship to me. From the corner of my eye, I see her staring lifelessly out the window, deep in thoughts I struggle to understand.
She tires of you.
No she doesn't, I fight back. And even if she does tire of me, she'd never leave me!
Suddenly, a lone figure on the other side of the street catches my attention. One block down, a woman dressed in a dirty, white, form-fitting slip is yelling at someone through the front door of a house. One of her hands holds a pair of high heels and the other makes a fist as she screams at the person -- a man -- on the other side of the doorway. I crane my neck forward to get a better look.
"Is she... okay?" Cassie wonders out loud.
So now she speaks, I think cynically in my head.
Traffic begins to move, and I drive slowly towards the woman screaming at the man. He's slammed the door in her face now, and as we approach I can see alcohol and dirt stains over her dress. She's barefoot and crying, and when she turns around, a swollen belly pokes out from the front of her dress.
"She needs help!" Cassie urges. "Pull over, let me--"
I ignore Cassie and pull up by the curb. I throw the car in park and unclip myself from my seat. I walk up to the stranger, my heart pounding.
"Miss, do you need help?" I ask.
Her face is caked with day-old makeup that is smearing with her tears. Her hair is teased and matted. She's a tiny thing with an attractive figure, and I let my eyes rest on the round of her stomach.
"Please, let me help you," I say.
"M-m-my boyfriend k-kicked me out," she stutters. "Can you d-drive me to my grandma's house?"
"Absolutely."
I extend an arm to her and lead her gently towards the car. I rap on Cassie's window, and she rolls it down.
"Aram! What's going on--"
"Get out," I clip. "Move to the back."
"Wh...what?"
"Move!" I say emphatically, gesturing to the pregnant woman behind me.
A look of hurt flashes in her eyes, but she complies. I wait for Cassie to vacate the passenger seat before helping the woman, giving her my jacket to cover her nearly see-through dress.
"Okay, where does your grandma live?" I ask once we are all back in the car.
"About twenty minutes away," the woman replies, sniffing.
"No problem. We don't have anywhere else to be," I assure her. "What's your name?"
"Yvonne."
"Yvonne," I repeat, smiling. "Don't worry. I'll take care of you."
I catch a glimpse of Cassie in the rearview mirror watching me with a tight expression. She glances away when our eyes meet. I should be disappointed with her for not being more understanding of the situation, but instead I find myself feeling grateful for this serendipitous distraction with Yvonne.
My stomach grumbles with hunger as we drive towards a quiet part of town. Yvonne tells me her sad story of dropping out of college as a junior when she became pregnant, and how her deadbeat boyfriend hits her and deals drugs. Yvonne begins crying when she talks about her parents, who abandoned her as a child, and describes being raised by her very religious grandmother who did not approve of her life choices.
All the while, Cassie keeps to herself in the back. Not once does she try to make conversation with Yvonne, which is irksome to me.
By the time we reach Yvonne's grandmother's house, Yvonne feels like an old friend. I pull into the long driveway, and step out of the car first to help Yvonne out of her seat.
"Can you walk me to the door?" Yvonne cries fresh tears. "I... I don't want to face my grandma alone."
"Of course," I tell her. "I'm right here."
When Cassie moves to exit the car, I lean down towards her.
"Stay in the car," I instruct.
"Wait... what?"
"Stay. In. The. Car."
I turn and extend an arm to Yvonne and walk her towards the house, leaving Cassie alone in the driveway.
Yvonne's grandmother is rather young and spry, a woman not yet in her sixties. Her lips stretch into a thin line when she sees Yvonne, making her cry even harder.
"Please, Miss," I encourage. "Yvonne just wanted to come home."
The grandmother looks at me appraisingly before nodding once. Yvonne runs to embrace the older woman, sobbing. Satisfied, I turn to leave.
"Wait!"
Yvonne reaches out and tugs my arm.
"Please stay awhile," she babbles.
"Darling, go upstairs and change," the grandmother says. "Your friend is welcome to stay."
Yvonne passes her grandmother a watery smile before disappearing into the house. Her grandmother waves me inside.
"If only she could have met a man like yourself," she mutters, "and not that lowlife." She glances at me. "You may call me Vicky."
"Okay, Vicky. I'm Aram Jacobs, by the way."
"I have some sandwiches and tea. Please come help yourself, Aram."
Vicky's house is immaculate. The interior is dated, with its faded wallpaper and ornate picture frames and knick knacks, but everything is sparkling clean. Vicky leads me to a screened-in porch towards the back of the house, where an older gentleman reclines.
"This young man brought her back, Ted," Vicky announces as she busies herself with a plate of sandwiches. My mouth begins to water at the sight of the plump bread and meats.
"Oh? Yvonne is here?" the man called Ted swivels around. He has balding, gray hair and wears a smart button down shirt with trousers.
"I'll give her two days before she decides to go back to that piss excuse of a boyfriend," Vicky grumbles.
Ted waves his hand dismissively. "Damn kids."
Vicky hands me a plate full of sandwiches and a cup of homemade sweet tea.
"Thank you," I say.
"You're very welcome, dear."
I wolf down my sandwich in between swigs of tea. It's been hours since I last ate, and the meal warms my body heartily. I'm wiping the crumbs off my face when Yvonne joins us, freshly showered and changed.
"Hi Pops," she strides over to Ted and kisses him on the head.
"Hi Pumpkin," he responds.
Yvonne eases herself in the chair next to me, toweling off her damp hair. She smells like lilies and springtime, and in an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants, she looks normal and pretty. Even with the big belly.
"Did Grandma feed you?" she asks me, her light blue eyes full of concern.
"Y-yeah," I mumble.
Yvonne smiles at me for the first time, her eyes crinkling in the corners. Suddenly, her face clouds with confusion.
"Who's that?"
I turn to see what she's looking at. To my dismay, Cassie is standing just outside the screened-in porch, waving.
"Is that young lady with you?" Vicky directs her question at Yvonne, who shrugs and looks at me.
Ted moves to open the porch door to let Cassie inside.
"Thank you," she huffs gratefully. Cassie looks me in the eye. "The car was getting cold."
"Do you know Yvonne?" Vicky asks Cassie.
"Oh, no, not really," Cassie chuckles awkwardly. "We picked her up on our way back to campus."
We, I think indignantly. What does she mean by 'we'?
"I see," Vicky replies, looking back and forth from me to Cassie, her gaze making me uncomfortable. "Would you like a sandwich?"
"Yes, please--"
"Actually, we need to go," I interrupt, standing to my feet. "Come."
Cassie glances at me with a pleading look, but it's too late because she's embarrassed me and made me look bad in front of Yvonne and her grandparents.
Without another word, I stride over and grip Cassie arm and lead her out of the porch. I don't let go until we reach the car.
"Let go of me," she says quietly.
I drop her arm and yank the driver's side door open, slamming it shut once I'm in the car. Cassie slips into the seat beside me wordlessly.
We drive back to campus in silence, both of us stewing in our own way.
"I'm sorry I left the car," she finally says. "But you were gone a long time, and I was getting cold. I didn't know when you would come back."
I fist the steering wheel a little more tightly, fighting the anger inside.
"I told you to stay in the car!" I hiss. "Why couldn't you just listen?"
She doesn't respond right away. When she speaks, her voice is quiet and distant.
"You can't save every person you see," she murmurs, staring ahead.
"I'll save whoever I can and want to save," I counter.
"Maybe she didn't need you to save her," Cassie suggests.
"Or, maybe she didn't realize just how much she needed me! Maybe she doesn't know how broken she is!" I snap.
I halt my brakes at an intersection, and a herd of students move across the street in front of the car.
"Is that how you see me?" she asks calmly, her voice strange and different. "A broken girl who needs saving?"
I sigh wearily. "Do you disagree?"
We drive the rest of the way back to her dorm in a thick silence.
I let Cassie out by the curb near Swan Hall and drive off without saying goodbye. I think about Yvonne the entire way back to my house on Bradshaw, about how good it felt to be needed by someone.
Cassie will come around eventually. She needs me, and I am the only one for her.