Hey readers! Putting the AN here because this is a really long chapter - so sorry if it drags! This is the last part of this storyline so I really hope you enjoy it and would love to hear your thoughts! Don't know how many of you watch Stranger Things but I'm still recovering from Vol 2 and using writing as a coping mechanism so the next story will probably be out soon aha. Much love to you all!
Waking up was a struggle for Jim, mostly because he was extremely comfortable, lying against something warm and cosy. For a moment, he thought he was in the Medbay, but the delightful sensation of someone continuously trailing their fingers along his bare back told him otherwise.
Then, everything came back to him. The pain in his chest as he struggled to breathe. The desperate, panicked plea for Samsa to help him. Had all of that been real? Jim didn't want to think about it, but his mind wouldn't shut off. He focussed on the heartbeat beneath him and the patterns being traced on his back. Somehow, they lulled him back to a sense of calm.
"Jim?" That was Samsa's voice, quiet and soft.
Jim forced his eyes open to see a dark room. His room. He also happened to be using Samsa as a pillow. "Hey, Dollface," he whispered back. "I'm not hurting you, am I?"
"Not at all."
Silence followed, during which Jim thought back to what had happened earlier. He gradually propped himself up and winced at the dull ache on both sides of his head before turning to face his girlfriend. "I'm so sorry-"
"Stop." Samsa shook her head and cupped his cheek, running her fingertips through the hair at the nape of his neck. "You have nothing to apologise for, okay?"
Jim wanted to protest but knew he wouldn't get anywhere. Instead, he sat up fully and instructed the lights to come on at low brightness. "I...I thought there was something wrong. Well, I guess there was in the end but I mean I thought...I thought I was having a heart attack."
"That's what panic attacks can feel like if you've never had one before."
Panic attacks. Hearing that aloud was terrifying but Jim couldn't ignore it. "Thank you for helping me," he managed to say despite the hoarseness of his voice.
"I didn't do much really. You're the one who got through it." Samsa reached out and took his hand in her own. "And I am so proud of you for doing so."
Jim forced a smile, running a thumb along her knuckles. It was the only thing he could do to acknowledge her words. He didn't feel deserving of praise at all. If anything, he'd disrupted the crew. What if Samsa had been with a patient when he demanded her help?
Samsa's movement distracted him from his thoughts as she shuffled closer to him on the bed, her eyes two glistening pools of concern and unease. "I was going to ask," she began, softly. "What do you think caused it, Jim? And we don't have to talk about it now if you don't want to. Only if you're comfortable."
This time, there was no need to force the smile that graced his lips. "I'm always comfortable with you, Sam." That was the truth. However, his bright expression soon faded. The idea of talking through his feelings terrified him more than he liked to admit. Saying them out loud would make them real. "Maybe...maybe later. I just-" Jim cut himself off and released a shaky breath.
"It's okay," Samsa said. "You don't have to explain. I'm here whenever you're ready, okay?"
Ideally, he wanted to forget about everything. He wanted to lie with Samsa in his arms...and he wanted it to last forever. But Jim's mind still raced with the day's events, most notably the conversation with Luna in the Medbay. "There is something I need to talk to you about though," he began, hesitantly.
And so he told her all about the proximity anklet, including Luna's concerns around where the technology came from in the first place. It was hard to watch Samsa's once calm and collected face fill with utter dread.
"When you agreed to the term, did you know it was made from Jared's research?" The blonde asked, her voice surprisingly steady.
Jim shook his head. "They didn't specify anything like that, but I should have known. I should have realised-"
"Maybe you should've but that doesn't matter now," Samsa said with a sigh. "You did everything you could to make sure Luna would do her behavioural modification on the Enterprise, and I'm always going to be so grateful for that. She is too. It's just...after everything that happened with Jared, everything she went through, it's not acceptable for Starfleet to use those things against her. I don't care if it's for security purposes either."
"I agree, Sam. I'm sorry I didn't mention this to you sooner." He made a promise to himself there and then that he would contact Starfleet HQ about this as soon as possible. Not only had he hurt Samsa, but he'd broken Luna's trust and there was no doubt in his mind that it would be difficult to earn back.
His mind began to twist and turn, conjuring all sorts of possible consequences of his actions. The question of whether he deserved to be captain resurfaced as well. Before he knew it, Jim felt his chest tighten. His hands started to tremor. Heat crept up his spine, causing his vision to blur ever so slightly.
Not again. Please, not again.
The soothing sensation of fingertips gliding over his back gave him the comfort he so desperately needed. Jim clung to it like a lifeline, focussing on the patterns being drawn instead of the kaleidoscope of thoughts in his head.
The rising panic faded and he struggled to hold back tears. What was happening to him? Every mission on the Enterprise was stressful. He was used to the mental strains that each one came with. So, why had today's taken such a heavy toll?
"It's okay, you're okay, Jim. You don't have to apologise." Samsa spoke so delicately. She prompted him to lie back and he did, allowing his eyes to flutter shut as she continued tracing patterns on his back. They stayed that way for a while before she spoke again. "We'll work it out. Both of us, together. In the meantime, you need to rest, okay?"
"I'm not the only one," he murmured. "How are you feeling after today?"'
There was a momentary silence before she answered. "I'm feeling okay," she said. "Just awful for everyone I hurt. I...I know what my double said to you in the Medbay and Transporter Room. I don't have vivid memories of it, but after the duplication was reversed, I got a sense of what happened."
Jim tensed as he thought back to those words. It made him wonder how much he truly knew about the woman he loved. Despite this, he pulled her closer and pressed a kiss to her neck. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
"I appreciate that, Jim," Samsa said, the smile audible in her voice. "But you deserve to know."
He shifted into an upright position and frowned. "Know what?"
Samsa dropped her gaze and curled her free hand into a tight fist. Jim's heart lurched as he knew what she was doing instantly. He reached out and took it, wincing at the sight of nail imprints already embedded in her palm.
"I saw you doing this in the turbolift earlier," he said, ensuring he spoke with a gentle tone. "Do you do it a lot?"
"I...I've always done it," she answered, quietly. "It heals anyway-"
"That doesn't matter, Sam, you're still hurting yourself."
"I know, I just..." Samsa trailed off and got up from the bed, making her way towards the adjoining kitchen area. "It-it keeps me grounded."
Jim opened his mouth to reply but stopped himself. There was no doubt in his mind that after five hundred years of life, Samsa had developed certain methods of coping with everything she'd been through. Given her job description, she surely knew not all of these were healthy, but maybe she thought they were the only way to help.
"What do you fancy to eat?"
That question shook Jim from his thoughts. He shuffled to the edge of the bed, furrowing his eyebrows. "Where did that come from?"
"Well, we never got to have our dinner earlier, and I haven't seen you eat anything since."
Only then did Jim realise how hungry he felt. He stood up and stretched before joining Samsa in the kitchen as she scrolled through the vast amounts of options available on the synthesiser.
"How about pizza?"
Jim went to reply when his stomach beat him to it, answering with a loud growl that made them both laugh.
"I'll take that as a yes," Samsa said, grinning as she poked his mid-section playfully.
He chuckled and wrapped his arms around her from behind, peering at the synthesiser screen over her shoulder. "There's a Hawaiian option, right?"
"You and your pineapple on pizza," she teased with a sigh.
"We're not having this argument again. Pineapple goes on pizza. End of discussion."
Samsa selected the order and turned in his arms, snaking her own around his neck as the synthesising process started. "If you say so, Captain."
That beautiful smile he adored so dearly appeared. There were days...so many days...where the young captain couldn't believe how lucky he had been to find someone so remarkable. Samsa was, and always would be, a dream come true.
"Promise me you'll try and stop hurting yourself," he whispered without thinking, taking hold of her hands. "You're my everything, Samsa, and...and I can't imagine how hard it will be, but please try. Not just for me, but for yourself."
Samsa stayed quiet for a moment but went on her tiptoes to press her lips to his cheek. "I promise," she breathed.
The food slot hatch slid upwards and the scent of freshly cooked pizza wafted into the room, prompting them to break apart. Jim demolished the first piece and swiftly moved onto a second while Samsa filled the stove-top kettle.
"Speaking of food, are you okay blood-wise, hon?" He asked, watching her warily.
The blonde stalled for a moment but nodded. "I had some while finishing my mission report."
The silence said it all. There was something she wasn't telling him. He finished his second slice and piled the rest of the pizza onto a plate, patiently waiting to see if she would open up. Eventually, she did.
"I struggled a lot with control today, but it was...it was mainly around you." She barely looked at him while she spoke, almost as if she was ashamed. "I came so close to hurting you again, Jim."
"But you didn't."
"That's not the point-"
"It is, Sam. I can't imagine what it must be like to deal with." Jim took a step closer, yet she still didn't meet his eyes. "How...how do you feel around me now?"
Finally, their gazes locked. She balled her hands into fists but swiftly unfurled them again, placing them flat on the countertop. "Much better than before. I just...I want you to feel safe when we're together."
"I do," Jim said. "I trust you, Sam, and I can prove it." Her face flooded with confusion, but he decided to go for it. "Move in with me. Into my quarters I mean. I-I know we agreed to take things slowly and you can take all the time you need to think about it, but if you're ready, I can't imagine anything better than waking up next to you every morning."
The Sanguine's eyes widened and she came to stand in front of him. "You...you're serious?"
"Yeah," he said. "We could do a trial run if you-"
Samsa's lips collided with his own, cutting off the rest of his words. Jim smiled against her mouth and kissed her back as if it was the last time he'd be able to do so. She pulled away and cupped his face in her hands. Jim leaned into the touch, unable to control the wide smile taking over his face.
"I think we can skip the trial run," Samsa said through a chuckle. "I can't imagine anything better either."
"You sure?" He raised a comical eyebrow and grinned. "Obviously you'll be able to go back to your old quarters any time you get sick of me."
"Which will be a frequent occurrence," she added, mirroring his amusement.
"Oh really?" Jim feigned offence and settled his hands on her sides. "Take that back."
Her lips curled into a smirk. "Or what?"
A delicious round of laughter burst from Samsa's mouth as Jim started tickling her. She begged him to stop between fits of giggles but the pair of them soon ended up on the kitchen floor, consumed by the spontaneous tickle fight.
☆☆☆
Luna had three options for where to spend her evening 'free time': her quarters, the recreational area on deck eight, or, the observation lounge on deck twelve. Since Hendorff was still recovering in Medbay, she had a temporary replacement monitoring her every move.
Security Officer Marple was almost the complete opposite of Hendorff. In other words, he was chirpy, bright, and very talkative. Luna could appreciate the change of company but at the same time, missed Hendorff more than she liked to admit.
As the day cycle time neared midnight, she decided to trek up to deck twelve and watch the stars with her ukulele. Since Samsa was spending time with the Captain, Luna sent a message to Mason's Datapad, asking if he wanted to join her but she hadn't received any response.
Deck twelve was only a short walk and a turbolift ride away from her quarters, during which Officer Marple made light conversation about his two cats back home, named Gus and Gertie. He didn't seem phased at all by who he was supervising.
"I'll wait out here and get you when your hour's up," Marple said once they reached the right room.
"Roger that." Luna smiled and saluted him as she strode through the sliding doors.
The observation lounges were all situated in the dorsal fins, meaning they were long and thin with the entirety of the outer wall made of glass. Luna usually preferred the view when the ship was at the warp but it was just as spectacular orbiting Alfa 177. It was hard to believe she was stuck down there a matter of hours ago.
Luna sat in her usual spot (in the corner by the window) and strummed away at her ukulele. She had managed to master the basic notes over the past three months but hoped to learn a full song by the time she saw Cassian again.
Cassian. Her heart hurt a little every time she thought about him. After everything he had been through, and all the pain she caused him, Luna still felt a pang of guilt whenever he crossed her mind.
She became distracted by the sound of the entry doors sliding open and looked up to see none other than Carol Marcus walk into the lounge, carrying a folder and pencil case. The Doctor didn't get very far, however, as she froze upon catching sight of Luna.
"Oh, sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to-"
"Why are you apologising?" Luna interrupted through a smirk. "You haven't done anything wrong."
Carol laughed and dropped her gaze. "I don't want to intrude if you'd rather be alone."
"Not at all. You're welcome to join as long as diabolical musical accompaniment doesn't bother you."
With that invitation, Carol's eyebrows drew into a frown and she came to sit on the nearest sofa. "How come it's diabolical?" She asked, nodding to the instrument in Luna's hands.
"Haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet. I'm only a beginner."
A strange silence engulfed the lounge. At least, Luna thought it was strange because of the number of unspoken things between them. She had never been alone with Carol Marcus, and there was good reason for that, especially considering the history she had with the woman's father, which was proving to be the very large and uncomfortable elephant in the room.
"My dad used to play the ukulele to me."
Luna tensed at those words. Not only was she not expecting them to be said, but trying to imagine Admiral Marcus doing such a mundane thing was proving difficult. She cleared her throat and just about managed a response. "He ever teach you how to play?"
"The odd song." Carol nodded as she fiddled with her hands in her lap.
A concerned frown bloomed on Luna's face. It was blatantly obvious that Carol was somewhat uneasy. So, the brunette got to her feet and held out her ukulele as she approached. "Wanna show me what you've got?"
To her surprise, Carol smiled and took the instrument, patting the space beside her and inviting Luna to sit. She began to strum away, and the tune of 'Let It Be' by the Beatles soon became recognisable. Now, that was a song Luna hadn't heard in decades.
"That's the oldest one I know." Carol chuckled once she finished.
"Good choice." Luna smiled and accepted the Ukulele back.
Another silence followed. This one was considerably more comfortable than the last. It seemed the music had broken the ice. That was...until Carol spoke again.
"I...I'm sorry about everything he put you through. My father, I mean. I never imagined he could be capable of what he did."
"It's not your fault," Luna said, quietly. "He just went too far trying to protect the things he cared about." After a hesitant pause, she added, "I'm sorry you had to see him die like that."
Carol shuddered beside her and took a deep breath. "This is going to sound really messed up, but that wasn't even the worst part of it all..." She trailed off, staring out of the window straight ahead. "I thought I knew him. I grew up with this image of him in my head and it...it wasn't real."
"It was," Luna said. "He just had another side to himself that he kept well hidden."
"I miss him," Carol whispered, her voice breaking slightly. "It's natural to feel that way, but I can't help feeling guilty that I do."
"I know what you mean." Luna instantly thought of Khan. When she hallucinated him down on Alfa 177, she had craved his touch and wanted to run with him more than anything. Nobody would ever fathom her longing for such things after everything he did, but it certainly sounded like Carol was the closest to understanding. "No one else can decide how much you miss someone or not, especially if they never knew them like you did. He hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of damage, but I can't imagine how it felt for you at the time. I'm sorry, Carol."
The Doctor sent her a genuine smile and wiped away any fallen tears. "Thank you." After a moment, she tilted her head to the side and chuckled. "You're...you're not as scary to talk to as I thought you'd be."
As soon as the words left her lips, her eyes widened with the realisation of what she said and an abundance of apologies were made. Luna just laughed, finding Carol's embarrassment both adorable and amusing.
"God, I'm so sorry! That sounded different in my head."
"What did I say about apologising for nothing?" Luna gave her a lop-sided smile. "You're right. I'm not as scary as people might think. But you've gotta promise me you'll keep it a secret. I have a reputation to uphold." Carol laughed and shifted the folder in her lap, giving Luna the chance to glimpse at the front cover. "Project Genesis?" She read aloud with a raised eyebrow. "Sounds exciting."
"I guess it is." The blonde smiled, sheepishly. "Since my father took steps to destroy, I...I wanted to focus on creating something new. I'm only in the brainstorming phase with it. That's why I come up here when I have free time."
"Well, don't let me stop you," Luna said as she slouched back on the sofa, cuddling her ukulele as if it were a teddy bear. "Brainstorm away."
"I was going to," Carol began. "But...how about I give you a ukulele lesson instead?"
The Sanguine perked up and grinned, ready to accept Carol's offer. "I'd like that."
☆☆☆
When morning arrived, Benita was glad to be back in her own quarters. Doctor McCoy had given all of the landing party except Chekov permission to leave Medbay. The poor Ensign still needed longer to recuperate.
She changed into her uniform and fashioned her hair into two French braids before checking her Datapad. Today, she would be writing up her mission report. Pablo had offered to meet her in the marine biology office so they could compare notes and prepare for the next research mission on A Class M planet known as Talos IV.
Benita pressed the unlocking mechanism on the doors and went to head into the corridor when she collided with someone right outside. It would have knocked her straight to the floor if the other person hadn't caught hold of her arm.
"I'm so sorry, I..." Benita trailed off when she met the eyes of Montgomery Scott. He was dressed in his uniform, holding a Datapad.
"No, Lass, that was my fault," he insisted. "I...I just came to see how you were doing."
"Good, thank you. Much warmer now," she said, an awkward chuckle following her words. The conversation she had with Pablo resurfaced in her mind. She just had to be brave. "Listen, err, I know that things between us are kind of...rocky right now, and that's on me."
Scotty shook his head and sighed. "Benita..."
"No, it is, and that's not fair for you. You don't deserve it-"
"Stop, Lass." He gave her arm a reassuring squeeze, making Benita smile. "We can talk about it when you're ready. Until then, Keenser and I have organised a bowling tournament on Deck Twenty-One later, when our shifts are finished. There are currently two teams, with Mister Spock captaining one and Mister Sulu in charge of the other. We're hoping to get a big group of us together if you fancied it?"
Benita couldn't help lighting up at that idea. After everything they'd been through over the past twenty-four hours, it was fair to say there were a lot of people who deserved a break. She grinned and pulled Scotty into a tight hug, accepting the invitation over his shoulder.
☆☆☆
Mental Health Officer Log. Stardate: 2260.03.12
Even though things are back to normal now, I still feel it's far from over. The duplication ordeal has made the Captain and I question everything about ourselves. So, I'm trying to look at the positives, like the fact that we're no different from anyone else - everyone has a dark side, we were just unfortunate enough to meet ours face to face.
I do believe some good will come of this though. Maybe by accepting our darkness, we'll become better people because of it. Or maybe that's just my wishful thinking. My point is, that it will take both of us a while to recover. The Captain will need a few days of respite which I have already discussed with Doctor McCoy. But, knowing him personally, I have no doubt he'll be back on the bridge in no time.
Samsa finished recording her mission log and tucked her Datapad into one of the many boxes waiting by the door. She was currently in the process of packing her belongings to move into Jim's quarters.
The thought of being much closer to him put her mind at ease, especially after what they had both been through. Samsa just hoped that all the future missions wouldn't take as much of a heavy a toll as this one had.