Rem had learned a while ago that she should stop being surprised by Mamoru's antics. One day he's a Mabeast then he's the child of a Witch of Gluttony and the next he'll trip you and as you fall down the stairs he'll say something like "oops" and walk away.
But as fate would have it, she has been surprised once again by his new development.
Mamoru: Ah dinnae see howfur that poofy culur haired boot haes sae muckle trauchle making fairn ither than they pumpin' neeps, this is easy!
Now, he was speaking in an accent that she couldn't understand. Atleast she could understand what Garfiel was saying, but Mamoru sounds like he's saying a bunch on nonsense.
Unfortunately, that wasn't anywhere near the worst part as half of the kitchen equipment is snapped in half, most of the kitchen is completely trashed and whatever "food" Mamoru was making looked more like a black brick and was also on fire.
She also took note of the light blush on his face along with how he looked like he was drunk, maybe he was? She couldn't smell the alcohol due to Mamoru's large miasma that always made the maid want to throw up whenever she was near the white haired boy.
He finally noticed her as a large grin formed itself on his face and pointed at the black brick as if it was something to be proud of.
Mamoru: Keek at this god-like dish that ah hae made, whilk is wey better than whitevur ye cuid mak' if ye didnae ken. Ye beter tak' notes fae me ye bimbo!
Rem silently stared at Mamoru until she took a deep breath.
She walked up to Mamoru, wrapped her arm around his waist and picked him up like he was luggage. She then walked out of the kitchen and threw him out into the hallway.
He only groaned as he landed on the hallway floor as Rem walked back into the kitchen to fix this mess.
Mamoru stood up and walked away as he tried not to stumble around.
*later*
Beatrice certainly wasn't pleased about the fact that her contractor ran off to find that damn Emilia girl.
She huffed as she figured that she would just seek out Mamoru. She just hopes that that new Iris girl isn't causing him any trouble again.
Beatrice turned a corner in the hallway and was met with the sight of Mamoru stumbling around like he was injured.
In an instant she ran up to him and looked at his body to find any injuries.
Beatrice: Mamoru, are you alright? You look sick, I suppose.
Despite what Beatrice previously may have thought about him being sick, he looked up at her with a grin on his face along with a small blush.
She was about to ask again if anything was wrong, but she then felt herself being pulled closer to him as two arms wrapped themselves around her waist.
With a red face she tried desperately to loosen his grip on her.
Beatrice: Wh-Wh-What are you doing?! Put Betty down this instant!
He looked up at her with a perplexed look on his face.
Mamoru: Bit, Betty is cuter than anythin' oan this planet.
She froze as she heard those words, she had decided to completely ignore the strange accent due to the fact that Mamoru just called her cute. She tried to cover her face as she blushed even harder than before.
Beatrice: Uh- Um...O-Obviously Betty is the cutest in the entire w-world! You should be honored to even b-be able to hug me!
Despite her rather prideful words, she stuttered slightly when saying them.
Mamoru's face lit up as a big smile appeared on his face, one so big and happy that Beatrice couldn't help but stare at the smile.
Mamoru: O' coorse a'm honored tae be able tae hug ye! yer th' maist adorable 'n' best muckle sister a'body cuid hae!
Beatrice really couldn't be bothered tp figure out whatever Mamoru was saying as that accent was unintelligible, but that didn't matter to her as she stared at his smile.
Beatrice:....Your smile is nice, I suppose.
She looked away, even more embarrassed than before as she said that.
Mamoru on the other hand looks confused more than anything else.
Mamoru: Seriously, whit's wi' ye lot 'n' saying that ah hae a "good" smile? whit's sae special aboot it?
The great spirit didn't bother answering that question, mostly because she could barely understand what he was even saying. And now that Mamoru wasn't smiling anymore, it made Beatrice question his rather strange behaviour.
Beatrice: More importantly, what is going on with you? You smell like that buffoon that constantly drinks his sorrows away, I suppose.
Mamoru huffed and put the spirit down as he responded.
Mamoru: Awright noo, na need tae ca' him a buffoon even if it's completely true that he's a buffoon. Atleast he kens his bevvy, that tasted pure dead brilliant.
........
Beatrice: You're drunk, in fact.
Mamoru looked away, offended at the accusation thrown at him.
Mamoru: Whaaaaat? dae ah keek lik' th' kind o' body that wid dram themselves hauf tae death, fur ah dinnae!
Beatrice didn't look impressed at his words as she turned around and started walking away.
Beatrice: Betty isn't well prepared for this, Betty shall seek for my contractor so that he can help you regain your senses, I suppose.
The drunk Mabeast gasped, that gasp alone held so much betrayal in it that even God could (probably not) feel it.
As she continued to walk away, Mamoru pointed at her and screamed.
Mamoru: Traitor!!
*later*
Roswaal had prepared himself to expect the unexpected after losing his teacher's book. He could no longer predict the future, so he wouldn't know whether an attack would happen today or in two years.
Still, he prepared himself to bo ready for any situation known to man.
This....was not part of that list...
Mamoru was currently busy in the dining room throwing the chairs through the large windows for no apparant reason.
Roswaal could hear him yell something about a "home run" but he wasn't sure what that was.
The sound of chairs crashing through windows did certainly attract attention as Roswaal heard the door behind him open and Ram and Frederica ran into the room to see the commotion.
They were both silent for a while as they saw Mamoru throw another chair through another window.
Frederica: Roswaal-sama...What is this?
Roswaal: I believe that our dear Mamoru-kun may be under the influence of alcohol.
Ram clicked her tongue as she grabbed Mamoru by the back of his shirt before he could throw the last chair out of the window and started dragging him towards the exit while flailing around in an attempt to get out of her grip.
The door opened before Ram managed to get to it, revealing Subaru, Beatrice, Zuri and Iris standing there.
Mamoru stopped flailing around when he saw them and just waved at them.
Mamoru: Och, awright thare faither! cuid ye tell this poofy culur haired whore tae screw aff 'n' gang wank tae a clown poster?
Subaru sighed in relief as he had finally found Mamoru, unfortunately he was still very much under the influence of alcohol and he was fairly certain that whatever Mamoru just said was extremely rude.
Ram: Mind explaining whatever "this" is, Barasu?
Ram on the other hand certainly didn't look amused as Mamoru had just thrown a couple of chairs through pretty expensive windows.
Right as Subaru was about to reply, Mamoru decided to interupt.
Mamoru: Ah, that's bonny easy tae answer actually! ye see, ah teuk a keek aroond otto's affice 'n' fun some crakin' auld drinks thare! dinna fash yirsel though, ah ainlie teuk a sip or twa.
Both Ram and Subaru ignored his words, not because they weren't interested in how this happened, but they for the life of them couldn't understand what he was saying.
As Ram started complaining to Subaru about this whole situation, Zuri pointed out something rather important.
Zuri: Guys? He's running away.
Ram and Subaru had all of the attention on them due to them arguing about this whole situation, but the moment Zuri said those words they turned to where Mamoru was and see that he wasn't there anymore.
They turn to look at the open hallway door and see Mamoru running down the hall.
Subaru: Crap! Someone stop him-
Something suddenly flew past Subaru, when he looked at it, it was...wood? And it was constantly extending in the direction of where Mamoru was.
He turned to look at the source and saw that Iris's arm had turned into wood and it was constantly growing as it flew towards Mamoru.
At the end of that wood formed a hand that grabbed Mamoru's entire body, wrapping him up like a gift as the extended wood retracted towards Iris at high speeds and came to a sudden halt to the point that Subaru worried that Mamoru would get whiplash from that.
The wrapped up Mamoru turned to look at Iris with anger clearly present on his face.
Mamoru: Awright! ye skinny-malinky dimwit! let me gang noo afore ah shove yer tree arm up yer bahookie 'til it comes oot oan th' ither side!
Iris closed her eyes calmly and looked down, despite not understanding what Mamoru was saying, she had a feeling that he was somehow insulting her.
For a moment, Subaru thought that she would cry, but that changed when she looked back up.
Iris: Heh.
If a single smile could cause someone to rage out, this would be it. Atleast for Mamoru it seemed like it as he flailed around in the wood he was incased in.
Mamoru: A'richt whit th' bugger urr ye smiling aboot ye clatty, idiotic pumpin' boot!? ah will rip yer guts oot 'n' shove thaim doon that blue bitch's throat!
Subaru sighed in frustration. This whole situation just felt like a massive pain to him. Seriously, who even gave him the alco-
Otto: May I ask what's going on here?
Everyone turned to look at the door, revealing Otto and Garfiel standing there, confused at the current set of events they were witnessing.
......
Subaru: It was you!
Otto: WHAT DID I DO?!
In the end, Subaru banned Mamoru from drinking any form of alcohol until forever. Otto's alcohol supply was also decreased after the incident, not out of his own free will of course.
About 1800 words.
Fun (or maybe not) facts:
1: Mamoru tends to try and annoy Iris for the hell of it, but he'll normally end up annoyed himself as she doesn't even comprehend that she's being made fun off. Though sometimes he does succeed.
2: Ram thinks that Mamoru is trying to make a harem with the transformed Mabeasts.
3: The only ones that Mamoru will freely admit are stronger than him are Reinhard, Satella and Pandora, though he plans on surpassing them all in the near future. Though he isn't sure whether or not he's stronger than Sekhmet or not as he's never seen her in action.
4: If the Re:Forgotten timeline somehow (depsite how unlikely it is) ever happened, then he'd stop at nothing to try and rip Julius and Felix to shreds. Along with a couple of others.
5: Mamoru has tried eating other living beings like Mabeasts, animals and even other species but humans tend to be his favorite to eat.