Eli POV.
"If you won't change, God can't love you anymore," The bearded man said with a shake of his head.
"But don't worry. I am sure that with our help, you are going to get better. We can fix you," he said reaching out to gently touch my hand.
I just nodded, turning my gaze to the floor. I didn't know why I was there, but I just was. I remember the long drive and finally mom and dad leaving me with this man. I think his name might have been Matthew, or maybe something completely different.
"You seem like a good kid. You have straight A's, you play the violin and piano, so why would you choose the path away from God?" Matthew asked.
"I don't mean to," I said scared.
I really didn't I didn't want to go away from God, I wanted him to love me. I wanted nothing more than to be the perfect child my parents and God wanted me to be, but I always found myself in situations like those.
"Of course, you didn't, but that's what has happened, so why don't you tell me about what happened at school," Matthew said leaning back in his chair.
I hung my head in shame, nervously tugging at the hem of my long skirt. I didn't like the clothes they made me wear, but they said God likes them, so I guess that's all, that mattered.
"I saw some of the boys playing in the field, and it looked fun," I said wanting to beat myself up over and over again.
How could I have been so stupid? I knew better than that, yet I did it.
"What were they playing?"
"Football," I simply said, pulling at my skin. I was hoping to be able to rip it off completely and switch with someone better. Someone, who my parents could love, someone who was worth something.
"And you joined them?" Matthew asked already knowing the answer.
"Yes... I didn't know, that it was wrong, I wasn't thinking," I said preparing to cry.
Mum always told me not to play with the boys and not to do boy things, but I went and did it anyway. Now they're going to hate me, everyone will.
"Devil, leave this child alone! Leave her, and let her live!" Matthew screamed as he repeatedly smacked me with a wallet.
The other kids stood around us, taking turns hitting me themselves. I wanted to cry, but dad told me never to cry, so I held it in. He didn't want me to be weak, so I couldn't cry. I wouldn't.
"Leave Serena alone, Satan!"
"Take the evil in her with you!"
"There's no room for you in God's world, Satan!"
As the screaming went on, and the smacks became more and more violent, I finally let the tears fall. I wanted nothing more than for it to work. I wanted this demon to leave my body, and take the wrongs of me with him. I wanted God to love me again, I wanted mom and dad to love me again.
I tugged a lost strand of hair behind my ear and cleared my throat.
"In front of you all, I ask the Lord to forgive my sins," I started.
I was standing in front of all the kids at the facility. I was by far, the youngest at nine years old, but that just made me feel worse. I was just nine, and already so far away from God. I straightened my gray dress once again and quietly began:
"I have disobeyed my parents and purposefully put them in shame. I have complained and ungratefully acted against the people, who give me the most in life. I asked my parents to cut my hair short, knowing, that the holy book reads that as a sin. I stole food from my parents, without their permission, showing gluttony, envy, and greed. I have neglected my chores, sloth. I have gone against my elders, with wrath, and pride. I-"
I looked at Matthew, who stood to the side. I was about to cry, and my hands were shaking as I held the small paper filled with all the bad things I had done. I silently pleaded for Matthew to tell me I was done, but instead, he nodded and said:
"Go ahead. We are here to help you."
"I- I have shown signs of homosexuality. I wanted to play with the boys and- and I- I asked my father, about... about k-kissing girls. I regret my actions, and only hope, that our lord and savior shall look at me with the kind eyes, you have shown me here," I finished praying to God for forgiveness.
"Thank you for sharing that, Serena. Remember, we love you," Matthew said walking up to me.
He put his hand on my back and gently pushed me towards my seat.
"The devil can be defeated in each and every one of you, but you must commit to it. You must pray to God, and ask him for forgiveness for your sins. You must want to be better, and you must choose the right path, right here, right now. You all can be healed, you all can step into the light," Matthew said in front of us all. I wanted to believe him, and I did. I wanted it to work, I wanted to understand what I did wrong.
"Serena you have therapy with me before lunch," he said after everyone had started to gather their things.
"I have been speaking with your parents, lovely people, true children of God, and we have decided to keep you here for a few months. We believe, that you would truly benefit, from that time,"
"You know about my addictions, right?" I asked after taking a deep sigh.
I wasn't going to therapy, no matter what. My brothers slowly nodded, which I took as my sign to continue.
"Well, hurting myself is another one of those. I've gotten better, but sometimes it just happens," I tried to explain as vaguely as possible.
We talked for way too long. They kept on trying to tell me not to, but I knew it was useless. I knew, no matter what they did or said, I'd still fall back. Sometimes I really couldn't help myself. it was like I was possessed or something, where even if I tried to fight it, it was useless and in the end, I would lose.
No matter how much I told them, I definitely wasn't ready to talk about my father yet. He taught me to hurt myself, he told me to do it, he forced me to do it, but there was no way I was going to relive that.
The more I talked the better they felt. I could see them easing up a bit, so I kept on going. I explained why I didn't like therapy. I told them about how I was forced to speak to a priest at camp, but I wasn't ready to tell them what really happened there. Even tho my brothers promised real therapy wouldn't be like that, I wasn't convinced. For all, I knew I'd let down my guard and the next second I'd be on my way to another camp.
I was twelve years old when my parents sent me to a different camp. It wasn't like the one I was used to. The rooms weren't shared, I didn't get to talk with the other kids, and the place looked less like a community center and more like a prison.
I had googled what a lesbian was, so my parents got really mad. It was the worst it had ever been. Even at camp, everything was different. There was no more, smacking with a wallet, or confessing our sins in front of the other kids. That place was something so unholy, that it would make Satan cry.
The bell rang, so I got up from my bed and waited for the nurse to arrive.
Three times a day, the same nurse would come into my room and give me my medication. That was where my drug use came in handy. I saw the other kids in the halls, and they were so much worse than me. They could hardly stand up, or talk because of the medication, but I had built up a tolerance for so many drugs. I still had to fake the effects, so they wouldn't up my dose, but I was able to stay somewhat aware of my surroundings. The other kids were like zombies walking around. I had no idea what the drugs were or what they did, but it clearly made us more vulnerable to the treatment.
The other kids lost all their sense of self in that place. They became empty shells of flesh and bone, filled with the brainwashing they pumped our brains with. That's what I would have become if I hadn't been a junky, so thank God for heroin.
"You are one of God's children, and he wants to love you, but right now, as he lays his eyes upon you, he sees a demon dressed in human clothing. You must save yourself and choose the rightful path because right now you are choosing the path to eternal damnation," the lady said.
She was a nun, that acted as the therapist. The nurses called her sister Caroline, but we were not to refer to her as anything other than the healer. She was somehow their leader, but still took orders from Him.
"Now tell me, child, why have you chosen to stray away from God?" the healer asked leaning forward in her chair.
There was something so familiar about her, but I could never place it. Most of the time I spent there, I had no idea where I was, how long I had been there, and how I had gotten there, but I was sure she was familiar.
"I don't want to stray away from God. I am sick," I answered on autopilot.
The words didn't feel like mine. They felt like someone else was using my mouth before I could even react to it. The words came from somewhere so deep in me, that I must have said them before.
"I know you are, dear. You are sick and broken, and sinful, but we can fix you. If you just accept Christ into your heart and make the choice to come back into the light of the Lord, you'll see how whole you can become," the healer said as she walked around the table and grabbed my chin.
Suddenly, she slapped me hard across the face.
"You are disgusting. You have the devil in you and you have to reject him, do you understand me?" she said sternly.
I would've been scared, or waiting for the next slap, but I was not in my body at that moment. I was somewhere in another world, floating over the clouds where nothing could hurt me.
"We are going to help you reject the devil my darling. Even if we have to beat it out of you, we will rid you of your homosexual thoughts," she said all soft again.
The way she said the word "homosexual" was like she had cursed and vomited at the same time.
Once a day, we were put in a room, and they made us watch videos. I never knew what they were about, but they were weird. They made me feel weird, and I think that was the point. that was basically all I could remember from what happened during the days. The nights, on the other hand, I could never forget. It didn't matter how much I prayed.
At night, the nurse came in and gave me my night medication. It was different from the other ones and I could feel it immediately. The dose was out of this world. I could hardly even think and I had no idea what was happening to my body.
All I knew, is that after the night medicine started taking its effect, He came in. He always said he was going to show me what it felt like to be a woman, and then he did something I will never recover from.
It happened every night, and soon I learned to expect it.
I have no idea how long it kept on happening, but at some point, he stopped coming in. Instead, they started sending in the other kids. I could see the boys were given even more medication, and they definitely didn't know what they were doing. Still, the nurses had their way and it always happened. It was their way of beating homosexuality out of us.
Later on, I never could understand how I felt about it all. We were both raped, so I could never blame the boys for what they did still they did it.
The time I spent there varied from weeks to months, and every time I got out, Carlos, Mia, and Diego were there waiting for me. Diego never really knew what was happening, or why I just disappeared for long periods of time, but Carlos and Mia knew almost everything. They knew what the camp was trying to do, and they could see the condition I always came out of there in.
They always got me back up and running as my usual self, but what happened in those camps never left me and it never will.
After Carlos died, my parents sent me there once again. My support team had been cut in half, so it took me a lot longer to get better, and by the time I had, my parents were sending me there again. that time I wouldn't have even had Mia there to help me. That's why I had to run away, still recovering from the last camp, my brother dying, and my girlfriend being shipped off to England, I had to leave behind the last piece of family I had left.