Iiris' PoV
Rauli pushed me into his car, slammed the door shut and walked on the driver's side. He hadn't said a word since he pulled me out from the bar but from his face I could see that he was angry. Once he had sat in his seat, the first thing he did was that he slapped me on the back of my head which caused me to lean forward a little, and place my right hand on the spot he hit.
"Who the fuck was that?!"
"He was my brother's friend... " I lied quietly. I had to lie. If I had said who he really was and why I was even talking with him, he would hit me again, even harder.
"Why the hell are you talking with your brother's friend? Haven't I made myself clear enough that the only person you are allowed to spend time with is my sister!?" Rauli was really mad and I was holding back my tears. I didn't even do anything with Aleksi. I just wanted to know a little more about the Netherlands and the things that my brother is studying. Of course I knew that talking with some guy would cause problems but I never thought Rauli would come to search me if I hadn't come home on time. This was the first time he did so and it scared the hell out of me. If he started to do this then I would lose the last drop of my freedom that I had left.
"Your sister is not in the city right now and I really was just asking about the school my brother is in right now! I'm sorry, ok! I did not think that it would cause this much trouble for you..." I wanted to yell and tell him how much I hated him for doing this, especially at my work in front of all my coworkers. His abusive side was something I so hard tried to hide from everyone but without even thinking, he rushed in and pulled me out with him.
"Make sure this won't happen again." Rauli slapped me again on the back of my head and a few lonely tears fell down. I dried my eyes quickly so Rauli wouldn't see that I was crying. He hated it and I did not want to cry. It was just a reaction to his doings which I so badly tried to hold back.
"It won't.." I whispered and turned my head to my right so I could watch out from the window, mainly so I could avoid Rauli's eyes on me.
The ride home did not last long and as soon as we got into our apartment, Rauli commanded me to cook something although I was tired. He did not care and I had no chance to fight back. While trying to hide my anger, sadness and fear, I opened the fridge, sighed once I realized that we had not much ingredients to even prepare a proper meal, and grabbed the eggs, ham, cheese and tomatoes.
"Would an omelet be ok? We don't have anything else..." I asked carefully and looked as Rauli rolled his eyes.
"You were supposed to go to the shop."
"I didn't have time... I had to run from the youth center to the bar and I almost ran late.. I would.. Appreciate if you could... go to the shop tomorrow..." I was walking on thin ice with that sentence and cold sweat started to run down my back. I was not sure if I would trigger something with that but a little help from his side is welcomed. I do everything alone, even if I was tired or sick. I went to shop even though I had no money in my account.. And he was living on my expenses although he had his own income from some jobs he managed to get.
Rauli did not say anything in return and I stood clueless in the kitchen, staring down the ingredients.
"Rauli...?" I called his name again, hoping to get at least some sort of an answer that would tell me if I start cooking or not.
"Just cook the goddamn food!"
Not an answer that I was waiting to hear, but that was expected. Again, a lonely tear slowly started to run down my cheek and I turned around. I took out a cutting board, a knife and a bowl, and started to cut the ham, cheese and tomatoes. After that, I added three eggs and some seasoning, mixed them all together and turned on the stove. I placed the pan on the hot stove, poured some oil into it and let it heat up. When it was warm enough, I poured the egg mix on the pan and let it cook. Meanwhile I decided to wash the cutting board and the bowl because I had to do it anyway. My back was still towards Rauli and I had not noticed that he had stood up and walked behind me. I did not know that until he placed his hands on my waist, and pressed his body against mine.
"I'm sorry, Iiris... You know I love you and I will go shopping tomorrow. Let me finish these and you go take a shower.." He kissed my neck and my breath got stuck somewhere. I knew he would apologize some time after he had done or said something, but usually it took more time than now. To avoid him getting mad at me again, I quickly swallowed my tears and turned around in his hands. The darkness in his eyes was gone, and the pair of the green smaragds were looking at me back.
"It's ok, babe... I love you too.. And thanks.. I would really need a shower..." I still felt like I was covered in beer and I wanted to wash that feeling off. Rauli nodded and let me go so I could go to the bathroom but the real reason I wanted to shower was that at least there I could cry. And that is exactly what I did. As soon as I had got my clothes off and the warm water was running down my body, I started to cry. My attempt to cry for help had failed so badly and there was no possibility of taking another shot. I could not risk being seen talking to Aleksi, or to any other guy, again. Only if it was work related. But I knew from now on Rauli would be keeping his hawk eyes on me even harder and it would only make it impossible for me to run away.
After the shower I sneaked into the bedroom and decided to hit the bed already. Rauli was still watching TV and because he was more or less in a peaceful mood, I decided not to interrupt him. I changed into my sleepwear and pulled the blanket away so I could just jump in and forget that this day ever happened. I felt so stupid. Why would Aleksi even notice that I needed help? Why would he even care? I was no one to him and the only thing he knew about me was the fact that my brother was studying in the Netherlands. Everything else we talked about was about some totally random topics that would not give away anything from my life, although I really wanted to. He looked so shocked when Rauli suddenly appeared there and I did not even have a chance to say goodbye to Aleksi. Sighing, I pulled the blanket over my body and turned off the small lamp I had on the drawer next to the bed. My head hit the pillow but my eyes were not cooperating with me. I tried to close them but I couldn't. One part of me was afraid that Rauli got mad about something again and the one part wanted to sleep because I was so tired I could sleep the whole week in the row if my life was not such a mess it was. But I couldn't help it. My life was ok when Rauli was happy and it seemed that it was my job to keep him in a good mood and fulfill his commands. I could be tired of it, hurt and on the edge of my limits, but he was still the man I fell in love with... And somewhere inside that man, there was the loving and caring Rauli who could make me laugh even on my worst days. That man was not around now, but maybe he will come back one day... I just did not have the energy to wait any longer. I wanted out. But I did not know how.
The next morning my alarm went off around half past eight as every morning. I tried to reach for my phone but I could not move my body because I was being held tightly against another body. Rauli was in a deep sleep and for a second, a small smile climbed up on my lips. This moment reminded me of his sweet side and I gently pressed my body closer to his. Rauli tightened his hold even more and mumbled something. I did not even rush to shut off the alarm, it would go off in a second anyway. I just wanted to feel Rauli being caring for a moment before he'd snap over some random things. And just as thought, he mumbled something, moved his hand away from my body and turned on his other side. The disappointment took over my heart for a moment, and the pain that came along was probably even worse than being hit by him. The feeling of being pushed away made me feel an absolute zero. I wanted to hold him some more but I did not dare to snuggle closer to him because I did not know what his reaction would be. He could either push me away or pull me closer and I did not want to be rejected again. So to save myself from further disappointment, I pushed myself up, took my phone and made my way to the bathroom. Today was going to be similar to yesterday's - I would start from the youth center and end up at the bar, pouring beer and avoiding curious looks from my coworkers. I did not know if Rauli really ever thought through what his actions may cause from now on, but knowing him, he would deny every little suspicion that would be thrown our way. He would deny everything. And he was good at it. Whenever we were out with his friends and his sister, he was acting like the most perfect boyfriend by keeping me close, placing kisses on my cheek the whole time, having his arm wrapped around me and telling how much he loved me and giving me compliments. Who would not love that? He could pull out such a great act that he should get an Oscar from it. Him being such an amazing actor really gave me zero chances to ask help because no one would believe me. No way Rauli would be abusive, he is such a sweet guy! That is what people think about him when they talk about him. That is what he makes them believe.
The reflection from the mirror did not even scare me this morning. I did not look as bad as I did yesterday, but there was something that caught my attention. There was a dark bruise on my forearm, on the spot, from where Rauli had pulled me yesterday. His grip was so strong that it left a mark so wearing a t-shirt at work was excluded for me today. I was scared to even go to the bar later today and I was considering calling my boss and telling him I was sick but that would be such an obvious thing to do. At least if I showed up I could come up with an excuse and pretend that everything is just fine, just like I was used to doing.
I managed to leave before Rauli even woke up so I could at least now pretend that the day had started well, he was in a good mood or that is what I hoped he still was according to his behavior last night. Yes, he sort of pushed me away this morning but he did that while being asleep and not on purpose, so I could still trick myself to think that maybe there was hope for us after all. But we all know that this was just me getting my hopes up and nothing was ever going to change.
The morning and the after lunch time at the youth center went as always, pretty smoothly. So far Rauli had still had some sense in him and he had not come here even once. Our problems should not be seen by kids and I really hoped that things would stay this way. The one I still had to hide some things was Sami and his "I notice everything" personality. During my time there today I did my best to avoid him, acting busy by playing board games with the kids until it was time to go to my evening shift at the bar again. Before I even gave Sami a chance to ask anything, I was already gone and I was not going back there until Friday. Maybe he will forget everything he has seen this week by that time.
But my coworkers at the bar were different. We were like a family there even though I shared a very little about my life there. Last night's events caught their eyes and once I stepped into the break room, Laura and Hannu were already there, sitting quietly around the table and I could feel them changing looks as I was taking off my jacket.
"Hi..." Laura broke the awkward silence and I returned with the same word, trying to smile while saying it. I tied my hair up in the bun and after that I pulled my light black cardigan from my closet to cover up the ugly bruise I had on my hand. That was not the most comfortable piece of clothing to wear while working at the bar because it could get so hot there that the cardigan would only make me sweat, but I could suck it up in order to keep on hiding my life from the curious people.
"Umh.. Iiris..." Hannu started and I already knew what was going to follow that sentence.
"Is not like it is our business but.. What exactly happened last night..?" He continued. I bit my lip, turned around and pulled on my biggest fake smile I possibly could.
"I.. " My brains were trying to generate the best white lie while I poured myself a cup of coffee. I just could not come up with any excuse. At least not any better than I finally thought and I knew it would only raise some more questions.
"We.. Like to.. You know.. Role play sometimes.. I.. Like him being a little rough and, well.. you know.. " I felt how the lie just spread around the room, infecting the purity I used to have inside me, and my heart was aching so much. I hated lying. I was not raised this way. But I had no other opportunity either. Having them believe that we had this weird role play kink was my only way out from this absolutely uncomfortable situation even if it would raise another weird situation. It was not exactly my thing to discuss about my sexlife with my coworkers either. The look in their eyes was a mix of confusion and uncertainty, but neither of them asked any further questions. Maybe they believed me, maybe not. But I was not going to talk about this again.
"Okay.. If you say so... " Laura sounded like she did not buy my answer but I tried not to care. Of course some part of me was hoping that she would cut through the lie and help me out but on the other hand I wanted them to just forget what they saw last night.
"Anyway.. That guy you talked with yesterday... He left you this.." Laura then handed me a folded paper. I took it, unfolded it and read it.
"I don't know what just happened, but that definitely was not ok. If you ever wanna talk, call me. Aleksi."
A/N: First of all, thank you for all the reads and votes so far! Mean a world, as always, and your opinion about this sotry matters the most!
So, Aleksi left a note to Iiris, but is she ready to take the step and ask for help?