april 25, 2022:
Madeline walked into the classroom just as the last bell finished ringing. She quickly scanned over the room, a pang of disappointment seeping through her otherwise indifferent expression when the person she most-anticipated seeing was nowhere to be found.
The teacher eyed her over quickly, before turning to address the rest of the class. "Good morning, everyone. I assume you all had a nice spring break."
Madeline made her way over to the empty desk between Dylan and Jason, dropping her bag on the ground with a loud thud as she slid into the seat. Both of them were all tan from their vacations, and in much better moods than Maddie.
"You look like shit," Jason whispered to her.
"Great to see you, too," she muttered grumpily, running a hand through her hair. "That's just the thing I wanted to hear today."
Although she would rather die than admit it, she had actually tried a fair amount to look presentable today. She hadn't really seen Carson since their breakup, and had heard nothing of or from him during spring break, other than the occasional text in the group chat. The week-long break had given Madeline the perfect opportunity to sulk in her misery, spending most of her days in bed with the curtains drawn, and her nights getting high and eating her feelings or drinking to forget them.
After her encounter with Grey last night, Maddie had felt something close to peace for the first time since the break up. Her and Carson were fully over, and she was ready to come to terms with her decision. Madeline knew that, inevitably, she would have to see Carson at school, whether it was today or sometime this week, so she decided to use whatever energy she could manage into making herself appear the part– she would look happy and put together and not at all still heartbroken or remorseful over their break up. That was the goal, at least– there's only so much makeup and a nice outfit can do. Leave it to Jason to inform her of how miserably she failed to even appear okay with how things ended.
Dylan sent a glare in Jason's direction, quickly deciding it was better to change the topic than to try and correct Jason. "Luna texted in the group chat earlier this morning, I don't know if you've seen it," He informed Maddie, who he was only half-sure was listening. "Her second flight got delayed, so she won't get home until tomorrow morning."
Maddie closed her eyes, "That's great," she responded quietly. "Just great." In what had been a pretty rough spring break for Madeline, Luna being somewhere with very little service for all of it had been the icing on the cake. Although Maddie had never really valued Luna all that much for her advice – especially regarding relationships – Luna was still her best friend. And when you're broken-hearted and lonely, the only person's presence that can help is a best friend's.
At the front of the room, the teacher continued droning on about school updates and important reminders for the last couple months of school. Most of it was boring and stupid, like the water fountain that no one had touched in a decade being down for refurbishment, and Maddie managed to tune most of it out. Her ears caught words like 'prom' and 'senior class trip.'
She was certain that Jason had started talking again, but now her mind was preoccupied with thoughts of prom. She forgot about that stupid thing. She had never really been all that interested in going to the dance, but now that it was mentioned, it seemed like a big deal. Who was she supposed to take? Would Carson ask her even though they were over? Would Carson want to ask her? Did she want him to ask her? Would it be better if he didn't?
Her thoughts were interrupted by the classroom door swinging open. Everyone's heads turned in the direction of the door as Carson walked through, looking equally bad, if not worse, than Madeline.
His hair hadn't been brushed and most of it was tucked under a black beanie. He was wearing an old band t-shirt that Maddie recognized as one of his sleeping shirts, and a pair of baggy black sweatpants. His eyes, surrounded by large dark circles, seemed more red than normal.
Seeing him in person again did strange things to Maddie's stomach. She was certain she was ready to face him again, but her heart was beating wildly in her chest. She could see his pain, etched onto his face, and could feel how hurt he was, even from across the room, in such a way that it made her want to throw up.
Before this morning, she was certain she was ready to be over him. Now, with him standing in front of her, she found it to be a humorous lie. She couldn't voice out her feelings for him anymore – she lost that right when she broke up with him – but thoughts of Carson swarmed her mind. In her head, she wanted Carson to come sit with them. In her head, she wanted Carson to look at her. In her head, she wanted Carson to talk to her, just her. Whether it was out of hate or love, she just wanted something from Carson. She just wanted Carson.
"Nice of you to join us, Daniels," the teacher addressed him bitterly. "If you could find your seat, please."
Madeline watched as Carson's eyes fell on the three of them. They only paused on Maddie's for a split second before landing on Dylan's, lingering. The muscle in his jaw set as he turned his head away for them, and walked to a seat in the back corner on the opposite side of the room. Dylan followed Carson with his eyes, and once the teacher had returned to her lecture, he slowly stood from his seat.
"Where are you going?" Maddie asked.
Dylan shrugged, "To sit with Carson."
"But you're sitting with us."
Dylan's eyes softened on her, his shoulders slouching. "I've already told you Maddie. He's my best friend– I've got to choose him."
Madeline watched him walk over to Carson and take the seat beside him. The frown on Carson's face remained as he said something to Dylan. She turned away resolutely, folding her arms in front of her on the desk and laying her head down.
She couldn't be mad at Dylan, even though it did sting a bit. Dylan had made it clear to Maddie from the beginning that, if Carson and Maddie broke up, he had to be on Carson's side. She accepted that long ago– the two were practically brothers. However, a small part of her never thought it would ever come to choosing sides.
"Don't worry, Mads," Jason said with feigned cheer. "I'm still here!"
"That's great, J," she responded, without opening her eyes or lifting her head. She knew he was trying his best to lift her spirits, but somehow she had already lost the energy necessary to do any more pretending.
Jason stayed quiet for the rest of class, and if the teacher noticed Maddie sleeping during her lecture, she didn't say anything. When the bell rung, she reluctantly lifted her head from the desk and began gathering all of her stuff, hoping to make it out of the room before Carson and Dylan.
"Don't forget," the teacher said, raising her voice so everyone would pay attention. Maddie continued out the door, not bothering to listen to her teacher. "Forms and payment for the senior class trip are due by the end of the week!"
She pushed her way out into the hall, molding in with the steady swell of other students on their way to their next classes. She felt someone come up beside her, and turned to see Dylan.
He held out a paper and she eyed it over warily. "You didn't take a form for the class trip, so I grabbed an extra." He brought the paper closer to her, urging her to take it.
"Oh we're friends again?" She said sarcastically, taking the paper from him more forcefully than she needed.
Dylan rolled his eyes, "Don't do that, Madeline."
She shrugged, "I'm not doing anything." He have her a look of warning, but she continued on anyway. "You're the one consorting with the enemy."
"God, can you stop thinking about yourself and your feelings for a damn minute? You don't get to be a bitch about this," he breathed out angrily. She opened her mouth in shock, but Dylan cut her off before she had the chance to think of something to say. "I love you, Mads, but you can be so thick-headed sometimes."
"Gee, thanks."
"I'm serious, Maddie."
"I know you are, that's why I'm annoyed," she responded, her lips pursing together. "Why can't I be upset with how you're handling this?"
"Because it's not about me," he replied, "and it's not about you either."
Maddie rolled her eyes, "You've made it abundantly clear that it's not about me, Dylan. Why don't you go ahead and break it down?"
Dylan raised an eyebrow, "Do I really need to?"
"I would appreciate it if you did."
He remained quiet for a moment, contemplating how to answer her best. His face softened the longer he looked at her. It didn't take a genius to understand that she was hurt by his actions more than she would willingly let on.
Dylan sighed, "His dad hasn't answered his calls in almost a year. His sister has been dead for almost a year. Him and his mom are just getting back on track and, as far as I know, he hasn't even told her that you guys broke up yet." He paused because he could see guilt clearly written on her face, but she asked for his answer, and he wasn't going to sugarcoat it for her.
"You were his person, Maddie. He's my best friend, but you are his." Maddie grimaced, keeping her eyes trained on her feet as they continued down the hall; she wasn't even certain she was heading in the right direction for her next class. "He doesn't have anyone, and he needs someone right now," Dylan continued. "Luna will choose you because you're her best friend, and Jason will choose you because guys are closer than him and Carson, and Zach will probably do whatever Jason does, but even if he did choose Carson, it's not like Zach has much to offer him right now." As they neared an open classroom door, Dylan slowed to a stop, and Maddie paused with him.
"He doesn't have anyone, Maddie, so he needs to know that he has me."
Madeline's lips twitched as they pulled into a frown, "I don't want you all to have to choose between us. There doesn't need to be 'sides' to this."
Dylan shook his head, "Okay, so what if there wasn't? What would that look like?"
Maddie thought about it; she wanted to respond that everything could go back to normal– act as if they had never dated. But one look at Carson was a live reflection of every single memory they shared. Even if she wanted to pretend she never loved him, she couldn't. And they never had a 'normal' in the first place. The arguments they used to have before dating would constantly result in their friends picking sides– it just had less cruelty and finality when they were deciding who's insult had crossed the line first instead of picking who's friend they would rather be.
She gave up trying to imagine a way in which they could all remain the way they were, but it was useless. "I hate this," she whispered under her breath.
"You and me both," Dylan responded. He brought her into a side hug, a diversion from a half-hearted apology, and an assurance that they were still friends. "I'll see you after class."
He disappeared into the classroom, leaving Maddie alone in the hallway, probably on the wrong side of the school building and probably late for class. Not that she had the energy to care.
*
"I still can't get over how crazy of a coincidence that is!" Luna exclaimed, pausing as she let out another yawn. "I mean out of all nights, and out of all convenience stores, Grey just happened to be at the same one as you at the same time."
"I know," Maddie said, coming to sit down beside Luna on the bed. "It was quite a surreal experience."
Luna yawned again as Maddie pulled her school bag onto the bed in front of her. Upon arriving home from the airport, and despite an insane amount of jet lag from spending the past two days on planes, Luna had immediately driven to Maddie's to check in on her best friend. Over text, Dylan made it out to seem that Madeline was doing well, but Jason's texts had said quite the opposite. Luna decided she didn't really trust either guy and would rather assess Maddie for herself, even if she could really really use a good night's sleep.
"Oh, here," Maddie said, hand Luna a half-crumpled sheet of paper as she continued rummaging through her bag. Luna took the paper and began unfolding it as Maddie explained, "they were giving them out at school today. I think they're due next week. I don't plan on going, so you can have mine."
The top of the page said "Senior Class Trip Permission Form" in large bold letters, so Luna skimmed over the rest of the page quickly before turning back to Maddie with a confused look.
"What do you mean you don't plan on going?" She asked. "It's a trip to Paris for a fraction of the regular cost."
Maddie shrugged, "I've already been to Paris twice. It's not really all the special."
"Okay, but what about us? You've never been to Paris with all your friends before." With a burst of energy, she perked up and grabbed on to Maddie's shoulder, shaking the other girl. "Think about how fun it would be!"
Madeline paused for a moment, her eyes steady on a throw pillow that had been tossed to the bottom of the bed. Quietly, she zipped up her backpack and placed it on the floor. "I just- I think it's better if I stay home."
Luna studied her best friend over carefully, "This wouldn't have anything to do with Carson, would it?"
Maddie rolled her eyes, "No, of course not."
"Right, okay. So you want to stay home instead of going to Paris with everyone because..." Luna waited for Madeline to finish the sentence, but the other girl remained quiet. "They're doing a 'I Love Lucy' rerun marathon that week?"
Madeline glared at Luna, "Stop being ridiculous."
"I'm not the one being ridiculous. Can you just tell me your actual reason for not wanting to go?"
"Carson and Dylan sat at a different table at lunch today," Madeline started. "They sat with the rest of the soccer team."
Luna nodded. "Right. Okay, so I actually have no idea what that has to do with Paris, but do continue."
Maddie shook her head, "It'll never be the same. We can never be the friend group we were because Carson and I broke up."
"That's not true," Luna argued feebly.
"He can't even look at me, or eat lunch at the same table as me," Maddie continued. "It's not fair to you guys– to make you pick sides. And if one of us stays home from Paris, then everyone can hang out together and have a good time without any complications. And since I'm the one who ended it and caused all this, it's only fair that I stay home."
Luna pouted her lip, "Aw, Maddie." She reached her arms out for the other girl, who tried to move away, but Luna got hold around her neck and pulled Maddie in for a hug. Maddie relaxed into the hold after a moment or so, resting her head against Luna's chest.
"None of us would ask you to do that, Mads," Luna said softly.
"I know," she responded. "But it's the best solution. And I'm fine with it, really."
"I'll stay home with you," Luna declared.
"No," Maddie responded, shaking her head as she pulled out of the hug. "If you stayed, then there would be no point in me staying so that you all can be together."
"It won't be as fun without you," Luna insisted.
Maddie shrugged, "Maybe, but it will definitely be easier."