05.26.22
8:21 pm
⚠️ warning: language is a bit vulgar
I hate him. I don't know why I can't get him out of my fucking head. I think about him all the time. Even when I don't want to. Even when I fight the thoughts. It's like he's right there all the time.
I fucking hate him. I hate the way he made me feel. I hate how I was his secret. I hate how he never took me seriously. I hate how he never put in the effort. I hate how I allowed myself to be treated so badly. I hate everything that surrounds him.
I realized that he never talked to anyone about me. He had mentioned the other church girl he liked to someone. But he never mentioned me. All the girls he talked to romantically he mentioned to his friends. But not me. Maybe he was embarrassed by me. Maybe he didn't like me. Maybe he's just a fucking dick head. I don't know.
But I hate him. I hate that I gave so much of myself to him. I hate how I allowed him to control me. How I allowed him to make me believe that what we had was different. That what we had was special. FUCK YOU!
I'm so angry at myself. Like why the fuck can I not get him out of my head. He's nothing special. I made him special. My love made him special. My presence in his life made him special. And now without me, he's just ordinary. Without me he's wack.
I had this image of who I wanted him to be. I made myself believe that he was an incredible person. That he was funny and kind. That he was different. But when I remove myself he's none of those things. Cause I was the one who brought that out of him. I was the one who made him funny and kind. I was the one who made him incredible.
Cause I'm an incredible person. I'm not perfect. But I try my hardest to be an amazing daughter, sister, and friend. I'm kind and funny. My best friend once told me that I was as light. She told me that it's so easy to talk to me. And I'll never forget those words because they impacted me so much.
It's by the grace of God that I'm so easy to talk to. That I'm so easy to trust and love. And God didn't make me to feel less than by some boy. He didn't create me to be treated below my standards.
E can bite his dick off and leave me the hell alone.