The thing about love is that it's always around you;
Whether you love someone or someone loves you, there is always existent love.
There is love for the skies on a beautiful sunny afternoon, love for the snowflakes that glisten as they fall, love for the mailman who is always on time, love for the coffee shop that opens at six a.m, love for your sport, love for your mother and father, and love for your brother.
Love for your best friend.
It lingers in your soul, waiting for someone to share its affection with. It breathes in your anger and leaves nothing but dust. It's calming and cool. Healing you from head to toe, love is an all-powerful medicine. Drifting along as you make bad choices and say the wrong things, love is a rock. It pins you to the ground and keeps you stable. Love is like a crutch that people use in times of vulnerability. Love is a form of art that is beautiful in every way; painting your insecurities in a new light.
On the other hand, love is a drug that makes people do crazy things. When you're high on love, you think about doing the unthinkable. Lack of love is painful. Love diminishing can break someone's heart. Love can destroy people's lives because love is dangerous and is an unstoppable force. Love makes people blind to their surroundings, only focused on infatuation. When someone you love dies, it feels like the world is ending. Hearts break, and dreams shatter because of love.
Love is a powerful damn thing.
Love should not be taken lightly.
How can Blake love me?
Even after a week of thinking about it, I still don't understand how he could even like someone like me. Someone as broken and tattered as me. How could someone as perfect as him be attracted to my ugly, sick body. I stand in front of the mirror in the coffee shop bathroom and stare at myself.
I've already gotten three weird looks from girls. They were looks that either insinuate jealousy or sympathy.
Not sure how anyone could be jealous of this, so I assume it's people feeling sorry. People feeling sorry for me because of my small size and sickly-looking body. People feeling sorry for me because I have no friends. If only they knew.
Elise crosses my mind as I think about her for the hundredth time today. I guess I didn't realize how much I needed her until I stopped talking to her. Just being with her offers me peace and comfort that no one else can offer. Not even my own mother can.
Making eye contact with myself in the mirror, I notice my dark eyebags and bony cheeks. I look like a skeleton that might melt if she sees any sun.
Grabbing my foundation from my backpack, I get to work. I press it on until all of my imperfections are gone. Tapping the beauty blender against my thin skin, I grow angry with the prominent under-eye bags. Continuing to pile on makeup as each stroke does nothing, my arms grow weak from the exertion. Finally, I put down my sponge and look at myself in the mirror again. Wow. I almost look normal. I almost look like a normal teenage girl who has a life.
After putting on some mascara and highlighter, I stuff all of my makeup in my teal North Face book bag. I pretend to be that normal girl as I walk back into the coffee shop. The looks of astonishment I get are frightening. The same girls that once gave me judgmental looks are now shining their pearly white teeth in the light. Straightening their backs as I walk past them, they attempt to look presentable.
Feeling uncomfortable from all the stares, I adjust my white hoodie and pull up my black leggings before walking out of the shop. I put in my AirPods and press play on my phone. A slow classical song starts to play while I get into the rhythm of walking with the notes. Looking around, I notice that there are many people walking the snow-ridden streets of my quiet town.
The bakery across the road has freshly baked bread in its windows for display. My mouth salivates at the smell. I miss the days when I could eat warm bread. My stomach almost shuts down from the thought of another nutritional supplement drink. I continue walking, avoiding the slippery icy patches on the wet sidewalk.
Strolling through the town, I end up at my favorite spot; Monty's Diner. Besides Angel's Peak, this is where I would always hang out with my friends. So many memories have been made here, that it's crazy. Since I could remember, my family would always go to Monty's on Friday nights, and we would all buy ginormous milkshakes and large fries. It was by far the best dinner of the week.
For a small taste of nostalgia, I decide to walk into the red and silver themed restaurant, and order something small. I take my usual seat at a booth in the back corner and set all my stuff down beside me. Picking up the menu, I try to decide what to get.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the waiter nearing my table, so I quickly decide to get a small Hershey's milkshake and a side of onion rings. As the menu closes, a familiar face meets my gaze.
There, dressed in a scroungy waiter's dress and a dirty apron stands my best friend of sixteen years. Her brown hair messily put into a bun and her neck running with sweat; I hardly recognize Elise.
Her green eyes widen, and she takes a step back as if she's shocked to see me in such a public place. I gulp down the dry spot in my throat. Her voice almost startles me since I haven't heard it in so long.
"Brynne?" Her soft tone and shy demeanor exactly like how I remembered them. Her dainty fingers gripped on the menu, she peers into my soul while her nose twitches. It does that when she's nervous, I remind myself.
I clear my throat before I speak, "Hey, how have you been?"
Pain visibly takes over her body as she looks me up and down with disappointment. I breathe in and out before making the dumbest decision of the week;
"Can we go somewhere to talk?"
———————————————————————
I take her to the bakery I passed earlier and order us both a hot chocolate. After I asked her to talk, she immediately went to her manager and told him that she was going on break. Throwing off her apron, she swiftly changed her clothes in the bathroom, and soon enough, we were out of Monty's and making our way down the icy cold roads.
The entire walk, she stayed silent, messing with the cords of her tattered hoodie that says UCLA on it. Its dark purple color has been so worn that it almost looks lavender. It reminded me of the phase she had back in middle school when she would never take that thing off. Back when things were simple and girls didn't bully you for what you wore.
That's the thing about Elise; she doesn't care what other people think. She's unapologetically her all the time. She doesn't change herself to fit the norm and believes that being unique is special.
I wish I could have a fraction of her confidence. A fraction of her unapologetic beauty. Her grace and serenity fill the bakery, and all eyes turn to her. It's like she is a light in the darkest room. She used to be my shelter. I used to be able to tell her everything, and now, it feels like we are two strangers sitting in a bakery.
I am going to try my hardest to make it up to her. Try my hardest to make things normal again. That means telling her the truth. I look at her while gauging the situation. Should I tell her? I know it would ruin her, but isn't it better than continuing to lie?
The smell of our hot chocolate brewing brings me back to reality. Apparently, this bakery is connected to a bookstore. Elise's eyes drift towards it as we wait for our hot chocolate to be made.
"It's chilly out there, huh," I gesture towards the large window at the front of the shop. My hands instinctively rub together for warmth, and I get a flashback from one of my early morning runs with Elise. Thirty-degree weather in nothing but leggings and thermal tops was not the way to go.
She nods and looks down into her lap, biting her frozen bottom lip.
"Brynne!" The barista calls as she walks our drinks over. I raise my hand and signal her in our direction. She puts the mugs on the table and promptly walks away, looking for the next customer who evidently ordered the same thing we did.
I look down into the drink and allow the steam to heat up my freezing face. Looking out the window once more, I notice the weather taking a turn, and winds starting to pick up. The barista turns the television up, revealing the weatherman.
"Good evening Richmond! This is Steve Saltzman with your daily weather update! It is Tuesday, January 10th, 5:30 p.m. With winds greater than 35 mph, and visibility of less than ¼ mile for at least three hours, we would suggest you stay cozied up in your house. Maybe grab a book or pick out a movie because it's going to be a long night. Kids, it's going to make for a fun winter morning. Weatherman out!"
I turn towards Elise, and she lets a slight smile grow onto her face. I giggle at the sight and sigh while looking out into the snowy abyss. We always used to make fun of Steve when we were younger.
"Hello everyone! Due to the weather conditions, we are allowing you to stay here for the remainder of the storm. There are couches and chairs in the back of the bakery as well as comfortable seating in the bookstore. I will be making drinks and handing out baked goods, free of charge, so please help yourselves. Thank you!"
Wow, this storm is serious.
I grab my book bag and walk to the far corner of the bookstore. As we pass the books, Elise picks up a couple on her way, trying to balance them on her forearms in between the hot chocolate mugs. Shuffling some pillows around on the loveseat, I manage to make room for the both of us to sit comfortably. We both slump into the warm fabric and curl our legs underneath our bodies.
The silence only lasts for a second before Elise speaks to me for the first time in three months.
"I thought you were dead that week," She says as she places her mug on the nightstand next to her.
"That day you disappeared, I thought you had died in a car accident on the way home. My mom even called yours, and she gave us the explanation that you had a family emergency."
I can tell talking about this makes her upset because her nose starts to twitch.
"Imagine my surprise when you came back to school, totally unfazed by me and everyone else who was worried sick."
Her eyes peer into mine, searching for some sort of remorse that I may have. My stomach grumbles as I scrounge up the courage to tell her everything.
"We all tried to ask Grant, but he insisted that it was just a family emergency, and he didn't know why you stopped talking to us. All of your friends Brynne; they were so confused."
"I figured; yeah sometimes people can be suffocating, but it's me, Brynne. Your best friend. We are basically sisters. I hadn't even gone a day without talking to you before then. You just stopped caring. You stopped talking to everyone and ignored people's attempts at fixing things. And worst of all, you ignored me. I didn't understand. Still don't."
Her silky hair flows as the heater behind us turns on. I reach for her hand, but she retracts, shooting me a look of expectation. She wants me to tell her.
"It doesn't make sense," She whispers under her soft breath.
I take a deep breath. Here we go...
"I remember that day like it was yesterday. The crisp autumn morning was a refresher from all of the rain we had been having. I was still sore from our workout the night before, so I took a little longer to get out of bed."
She nods while shifting to face me, suddenly intrigued.
"I hadn't been feeling well the entire week. I thought it was just bad period cramps, but I was having headaches and feeling nauseous."
Elise scoots closer to me, touching her thigh against mine.
"I remember," she utters. "What's this got to do with your disappearance."
I stare into her green eyes. How am I going to break this to her?
I clear my throat, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. Reaching deep into my core, I muster up the courage to tell her what I have been keeping in for months. I know that I don't have to worry about her telling anyone, but it doesn't make it any less hard.
"Well, do you remember when Mrs. Sydney caught my nosebleed?"
Her eyebrows squeeze together, and she sends me a confused look. Here it comes...
"I fainted in the hallway on the way to the nurse's office."
Her breath hitches, and she stops breathing for a second. My hands start trembling as I recall the worst day of my life. She steadies them with her warm palms, and a feeling of comfort overtakes me. Allowing myself to calm down, I lean into her touch and press my core into the back of the couch.
"Next thing I know, I woke up in the hospital, connected to all of these weird machines. A dozen monitors were beeping, and it scared the living hell out of me."
I begin to choke up as I think about the moment I found out that my life was over. Tears well up in the corners of my eyes, and my face begins to heat. A heavy feeling lies on my chest as I whisper the next words with pain.
"It's cancer. I have leukemia."
Elise's face drops at my words.
The unwavering strength that she usually possesses has evacuated her body and left her in a shocking state. Slowly, her breathing speeds, and her inhales come in short quick bursts while tears stream down her face.
I fall into her lap, looking for some consolidation. Elise begins to massage my head and whisper encouragement while trying to hold back her own tears.
"I love you," She mumbles. "It's going to be okay,"
Don't lie to me, whatever you do, don't lie to me.
"It's not going to be okay, Elise. I'm dying."
My words seem to hurt her. It all seems to set in because she moves her hand to cover her mouth. I hear her quiet sobs through my own, and it breaks my heart.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She whimpers pleadingly.
I sniffle back my cries and try to explain,
"I knew that telling you would make it feel real. Deciding to go through with treatment wasn't even my choice, so it didn't feel like it was actually happening."
"You don't want treatment?" She breathes.
She won't understand my reasoning; no one does.
"No," I whisper as my lip quivers.
Her expressions grow frustrated with me. I knew she was not going to accept my decision.
"What stage are you in?" She straightens her back and pushes me off of her comfortable lap. Lifting my head to meet her gaze, I send her a look of exhaustion. I've already thought about all of this.
"Last time we visited the doctor, I was in stage three."
She winces at the sound of my words.
"But realistically, and with how much time has passed, I'm most likely at stage four."
Knowing that this is my fate allows me to talk about it somewhat comfortably. Elise wraps her arm around my shoulders and pulls me in for a big hug. Her occasional forehead kisses send electric pulses throughout my body. It gives me some much-needed love.
Half an hour passes, and I find myself drifting off while leaning against Elise. Her quick breaths have now subdued, and her normal breathing pattern has returned. The coffee shop and bookstore have quieted down as people prepare to fall asleep. I peek through the bookshelves to catch a glance outside, but it's too dark to see anything. The heater behind us suddenly turns on, warming our cold backs.
Comprehending what I just told Elise, a big weight is lifted off my chest. I know that telling her is not going to do anything in terms of healing my sickness, but it sure as hell has stopped my constant anxiety.
Blake crosses my mind while I think about people I have to tell. Whatever he's doing right now, I know that he will eventually come back. As he said, he has no one except for me.
I have a feeling that telling him is not going to go as well as telling Elise has. I'm not sure if I even want to break the dreaded news.
All I know is that it's going to hurt both of us the second he finds out that I'm dying. Our relationship will never go back to normal.