Author's Note: Double update, because you guys are awesome! Thank you so, so much!
----------------------------------------------
"Mamoru-kun."
He looked up, seeing Sugawara's warm look. Mamoru couldn't place how he felt against the setter, but he felt like freshly-baked cookies, soft and warm. Still, he felt a sense of shame creep through his cheeks and he lowered his gaze.
"We're not blaming you," Sugawara said softly. He handed him his bag, then held his hand. Sugawara clasped his hands over his own and smiled genuinely. "Hey, come talk with us?"
He nodded woodenly and followed Sugawara. Mamoru let Sugawara lead him around by hand to Tanaka, Daichi, and Asahi, who were talking by the window.
Asahi smiled softly, dipping his head in greeting. "Good morning, Mamoru."
"Good morning, Asahi-san," he murmured.
"Hey." Tanaka patted him on the shoulders. "Don't worry about last night. I would've punched them myself. I gave them a good lecture myself."
"I didn't mean to hit them so hard," he said miserably, hanging his head. Mamoru flinched at the sudden contact when Daichi placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. He lifted his head to see the captain smiling.
"It's not the first time they'll fight," he mentioned, an odd look on his face. "If we need to beat some sense into them, then we should. If not, they'll just beat each other up like last night."
Mamoru could tell they were trying to cheer him up. He felt a smile twitch at his lips. Much to his chagrin, Sugawara caught that. "You smiled!"
Tanaka cried out in distress. "What?! Do it again, I blinked!"
Mamoru ducked his face and hurriedly excused himself, ears flushing pink. He hurried to his seat and greeted Yachi, who seemed a lot less concerned now that she knew he was more or less alright.
He never saw a hair of Kageyama or Hinata during school. Since practice was canceled, there was no reason to congregate in the area.
So Mamoru left. He plugged in his earbuds and walked.
He had no destination in particular, but he found himself walking towards where the sun shined on the concrete bench. Like a sleepy cat, he lounged on the stone, soaking in the sun.
It was nice for thirty seconds, until he heard shouting.
"Please, Oikawa-san! Please!"
Oh God, no.
"Takeru."
"What?"
"Take a picture."
Mamoru sighed, trying to find a reason to stay where he was. He didn't really want to see Oikawa, but he felt bad for the person he was bullying.
His inner protector won out and he trotted up the stairs.
Oh.
A little kid snapped a picture as he stood behind Kageyama and Oikawa was doing a peace sign. He blinked at Mamoru and said, "Who're you?"
Oikawa turned towards Mamoru and his face lightened up. "Moru-chan!"
He shuddered at the nickname, but most of his focus was on Kageyama, who straightened up so fast, he swore he heard his back crack. "Mamoru-san, I'm sorry about last night!"
Flustered, Mamoru waved a hand awkwardly. "It's...ah, well, I'm sorry I hit you...and Hinata-kun."
"You hit Kageyama?" Oikawa sounded way too delighted for his taste. "That's amazing."
"Please stop bullying my teammate," Mamoru sighed. He avoided Kageyama's surprised look. He probably didn't expect Mamoru to help him after last night's trauma. "He's genuinely asking for help."
Oikawa pursed his lips, unhappy Mamoru was taking Kageyama's side, but he could see why. He sighed and addressed Kageyama, "Well, what do you want? I'm busy, you know."
"You said your girlfriend dumped you, so you had a lot of free time," the kid piped up, confused.
"Takeru, shut up!"
Mamoru felt his chest tighten at a memory and he felt himself bristle with something like irritation. "You kissed me before because you were lonely?"
Miraculously, he'd figured it out.
Actually, Maiko told him.
There were hardly any secrets between them and so he told Maiko what had happened with Iwaizumi and Oikawa. Having read more romance novels than him, Maiko went absolutely nuts and told him what it actually was.
"He kissed you?!"
"I didn't actually like her!"
Mamoru shook his head. That was a different issue for a different day (or no day at all)—Kageyama's issue took precedence. Kageyama was busy floundering around this new revelation, so he gave him a reminder. "Kageyama-kun, just ask."
"Uh, so, if you were close to a tournament, and, uh," He stopped to think before speaking up again. "Iwaizumi-san said he wanted to try some impossible attack-"
"Hey." Oikawa gave him an exasperated look. Mamoru kept his face flat, but when he saw Oikawa pose like that, his heart beat just a little faster.
Stop that, he wished he could talk to his heart. It was probably just arrhythmia. He should probably see a doctor about that. He could feel the back of his neck heat up dangerously as if it were trying to outdo the sun's warmth. Any more and he felt as though he would spontaneously combust.
"If you want to ask me something, quit with the lame 'what-if' story and ask me flat out." Oikawa tilted his head, unaware of Mamoru's internal self-diagnosis.
Kageyama gritted his teeth, brows pinched together like he'd swallowed a lemon. He didn't seem to want to speak willingly, so Mamoru sped things along.
"Hinata-kun wants to their quick with his own will even though he'd been closing his eyes before."
"Eh?" Oikawa straightened up, though his face didn't seem all too interested. "That'd be pretty impressive if he could do it. Why not let him do it?"
The question startled both Kageyama and Mamoru.
Why not let him do it?
If he applied the question to himself, why couldn't he do what he wanted? Why couldn't he just be himself? Was his current self his real self, or was that something long gone?
"Please don't make this sound so easy," Kageyama huffed. "Hinata doesn't have any technique!"
Oikawa's face twisted in a knowing smirk. "So you told him, 'just do as I say'? You sound like a dictator."
Mamoru wanted to wince for Kageyama, knowing that term was a sore spot for him; but at the same time, Kageyama did deserve it.
"Have you given it any thought? Are you giving the shrimp the exact tosses he wants?"
Kageyama didn't answer, but his angry/bitter face said it all.
"Have you even tried to?"
His head lowered.
Oikawa scoffed at the easy read on Kageyama's face, and raised a finger to him. "If you're thinking the situation as good as it can be and you're being defensive about it, you're basically a coward."
The older boy's face darkened with disgust. "Don't get the wrong idea. The one who has leadership in an attack isn't you, it's the shrimp."
"If you can't get that idea in your head, you're regressing back to playing the tyrant." Oikawa lowered his hand and started to walk off. "Let's go, Takeru."
Watching Oikawa's back left an ugly taste in his tongue. The idea of staying with Kageyama, whom he had mixed feelings about at the moment, left an even worse feeling. In a split second decision, he strode after Oikawa and tugged on his teal shirt.
Talking to Kageyama must have truly hit him hard, because Oikawa's face didn't change back to his happy-go-lucky persona.
"Thank you." Mamoru dipped his head, avoiding the older boy's eyes. "I can't understand what you went through, but it must have been hard to help him."
Oikawa breathed out a breath, his smile smoothing out and eyes softening. "Walk with us? We're not far from my nephew's house."
"Mn." Mamoru fell into step with him.
Before, Takeru had been loud and obvious. Now, he seemed to pick up on the mood and stayed quiet.
"Have you ever felt like you're not enough?"
Boy, he just had to ask that question right off the bat. Mamoru sighed, looking at the blue sky. It was truly a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight.
"I think a lot of us feel like that," he said quietly, stewing in his thoughts. "Sometimes, we will never be enough."
"I'm sure you're enough," Oikawa said bitterly. "You have talent, the looks-"
Mamoru kicked him in the shins.
Softly. He kicked him softly.
Oikawa gaped at him, thrown out of his train of thought. "Wha-"
"Don't assume something about me, Oikawa-san." Mamoru narrowed his eyes, a little annoyed. "What if I said you look like you've never struggled in our life, or that you appear to be flawless?"
"You think I'm flawless?"
Mamoru was either going to laugh or cry or give him another kick. "No, I think we're both flawed."
Oikawa humphed, but dropped the scowl he had earlier. "Say, Takeru, show me that picture."
He leaned towards Mamoru, intent on showing him the trophy he received when he got Kageyama to bow. However, he got a disappointing surprise instead.
"Eh?! I'm the only one blurry!"
Mamoru grimaced at his face in the background. Someone once asked him in Teiko, "Why do you look so dead inside?"
Not sure how to answer that, he had replied, "But I'm alive outside?"
Both left with a bewildered look.
His phone rang. When he picked it up, Coach Ukai's voice blared through the tinny speakers. "MAMORU!"
He winced and held it away a few inches from his ear. "Yes?"
"Where's Kageyama right now?!"
Why did people assume he just knew where people were??
"He's heading to school right now." Lucky for the coach, he did actually know. Knowing him, Kageyama would want to see if the gym inspections were done so he could practice more.
"Oh, I found him. KAGEYAMA, COME WITH ME!"
There was yelling and a scuffling sound in the background before Ukai said a hurried goodbye and hung up.
Completely lost, Mamoru just shrugged and pocketed his phone. Oikawa gave him a look, half-heartedly waving goodbye to his nephew as he skipped to his door. "What was that about?"
"I think my coach kidnapped Kageyama-kun." For a moment, both were silent. Mamoru saw Oikawa's mouth move after he gave him the look, like he was going to talk about something potentially embarrassing. Panicked, he blurted out, "I have to go now. Goodbye, Oikawa-san."
Even though he was just a tad irritated with the boy, he couldn't help the pink flush rising to his ears.
𝄥𝄞─────────────── 𝄇
You're all so nice! I had a lot of people dm me and ask if I was alright, and I thought that was so sweet of you guys. In any case, I took a super long hiatus at chunks of times randomly, and I'm sorry.
I'm dealing with so much stuff. I have to prepare for my grandfather's funeral, and he still alive, but he's just not doing well, but it's weird to have to look for black clothing now. College is a little tough on me and I really had to focus since I failed a lot of my classes. It's been really tough lately.
All jokes about depression aside, it really does exist and sometimes it doesn't need a reason. Honestly, I joke about it too just to find some way to cope. I think people forget that when you're depressed, things just don't matter anymore. You start to wonder if it's really worth it and you start wishing you wouldn't wake up anymore. To anyone dealing with depression or have been, I probably can't say I understand because everyone's different; but I can say for sure it's so hard. Seriously, I've been going through that shit for over a decade now, wondering everyday what was the point. Sometimes, medication and therapy doesn't work, and you start to think it's hopeless. But sometimes, you find little gemstones (for me, writing) and you just have to hold on to it. Just hold on to it and run with it like it's your lifeline. For some people, it is. If it makes you even remotely happy, just hold it.
Sorry for the rant. It's really been stuck on me.
!!NOW THAT THAT'S BEEN SAID!!
I'm thinking of doing a Q and A about Insouciant. You can ask me anything about the book like how'd I make the characters, how'd I get started with the book, etc etc. You can even ask Mamoru or Maiko (or any of the OCs) questions and they'll do their best to answer!
AND THANK YOU FOR THE FAN ART!! I love reading your comments (you guys are hilarious I swear), and I love your art!
Thank you so much for sticking with me up until now!
𝄥𝄞─────────────── 𝄇