"Have you ever...had sex before?"
"Excuse me?" Maybe I hadn't heard her right. Did my publisher just ask me if I've ever had sex?
"I'm sorry." She definitely did not sound sorry. Jean removed her red-rimmed glasses and pinched her nose. "Perhaps that was a bit personal but...it's missing something."
And by it, she meant my manuscript. The manuscript which was sitting in front of her with vicious red notes all over it. Did she know how long I slaved over that? Only for her to litter it with her ghastly handwriting and rainbow-themed sticky notes.
"I don't think I follow..."
"It's good, there's just something holding it back from being brilliant." Her green eyes popped open when she said brilliant, coupled with some jazz hands. As an ex-drama teacher, I expected her to be a little theatrical. What I didn't expect was her to be the embodiment of the drama teacher stereotype.
But she was. Messy dark haired updo, large prescription glasses with a brightly coloured frame, an awful floral scarf, cheap earrings and even cheaper bracelets clanking together every time she waved her hands around.
"If we're going to sell this as work from Madam Momus, people will be expecting toe-curling smut! A romance that will leave them dripping!" She clutched her scarf and looked at my manuscript as if it had said something offensive. "Right now it feels like it was written by a virgin."
That's because it was.
But she didn't need to know that. For the past seven years, I have been running a successful confessional for sexual deviants called Dirty Diaries. At first, I started it out of curiosity, in high school I became painfully aware that everybody was having sex except me. I knew that because no one in high school would come near me with a ten-foot pole and because they really liked to talk about it.
So I started a page where people could anonymously share their sexual exploits. What I didn't expect was for it to blow up the way it did. Or that people would enjoy Madam Momus' witty and slightly judgmental feedback. Sometimes I would recognize the emails sending stories in, and let me tell you in a small town like ours, that got really uncomfortable for me. My dentist, Dr Craig was a trichophiliac, meaning he was sexually attracted to hair. I have never been to an appointment with my hair out after that. It made my skin crawl knowing the 53-year-old could possibly go home and wank off to the thought of my hair.
Anyways, I decided to write a romance because I've always loved romance and I've always loved writing. I thought if I sold it under the name Madam Momus, it would be a hit. Problem was, that she assumed Madam Momus' sexual experience would be evident in the story. As Jean said, people were expecting hectic smut.
Speaking of Jean, the small bird-like woman was staring at me expectantly.
"I'm sorry what?"
"I said." She picked up her glasses and balanced them on the tip of her nose and peeked at me over them. "Maybe draw on your own experience Madam Momus."
Right. Jean was probably the only person, besides me, who knew I was the mysterious Madam Momus. The Lady Whistledown equivalent of my small town. Just like everyone else, she thought Madam Momus was some kind of sex god...
My consultation with Jean took longer than expected and I was running late for work. Arthur Edwin was going to kill me, but I knew if I got him coffee he would go easy on me. The man would scream high and low about how bad cigarettes are for you, but then would turn around and consume coffee like some crazed addict. I shook my head with a small smile, I will never understand that grouchy boomer.
Luckily for me when I reached the office he wasn't there. Lucy, our receptionist was typing away furiously and didn't see me coming, she had to make a double-take when she sensed someone was standing in front of her.
"River! Hey." She brushed a dark loose strand from her face. If you weren't paying attention you would miss her Korean features. It was usually the case with biracials, you could seldom tell their ancestry just by looking at them. To make matters worse, Lucy wasn't very cultural. I found out about her heritage the same you found out that someone did horseback ridding as kid. In a 'oh hey, I never knew that' kind of way.
Even though we had met as collogues, Lucy had become a friend. She was, however, a very hard person to get personal details out of even though she made it her business to be in everyone elses'. But that's ok because she was a huge fan of my blog, where she unknowingly would share details of her life. From my Dirty Diaries, I knew she was looking for spice in her bedroom, because her husband was boring her to death. A part of me thinks she's closeted, but I don't think she knows that herself.
"Is Dr E running late?" It felt ridiculous to my ears, Dr Edwin was never late. As the name partner and founder of this practice, he made it his personality to always show up on time.
Lucy looked at me with a worried expression, "He retired Riv. We just had his retirement party last week?"
Oh yes. Maybe I was going a little crazy, how could I have forgotten? "Right. Dr J in?"
"Yip." I know she wasn't going to say anything more than that so I just made my way to the Silas Jones' office. Today was just my day because Silas came rushing out and knocked into me, spilling the hot coffee on both of us.
"River. Shit. Sorry-" he tried to pat me down but then realised his hands were all over my chest. "Shit sorry!"
He stepped back and I could see a blush creeping onto his face. You'd think a vagina doctor didn't blush that easily. He may be shy but he was one of the best OB/GYNs this little town had to offer. Well, the only one now since Arthur Edwin had retired.
He was just a hairbreadth taller than me with dark hair and dark eyes, and he was always cleanly shaven. He had this boyish charm about him, the sweet boy next door look. It suited him because he really was the sweetest. Lately he always seemed to be in a rush, but I can imagine as a single dad and now the managing partner of a women's health clinic, he didn't have much time to spare.
"I was about to give you some coffee since Dr E is gone." I tried to pat down my wet scrubs.
"That's sweet but I wouldn't have had time to have one anyway. My patient is in delivery and since Edwin's gone I'm gonna have to pick up the slack." He brushed past, speed walking so fast his coat looked like a boat's sail catching wind.
"Get a replacement!" I called after him. There's no way he'd be able to manage this place on his own without another doctor. This town may be small but they sure as hell liked making babies.
"I did! Show him around when he gets here will you?" He said over his shoulder.
"Who!?" I shouted back but it was too late. Silas was already gone.
It must have slipped his mind to let me know that he was hiring, then again, he's got a lot on his mind as is. Well, until this mystery person showed up, I had time to spare. It was the perfect time to respond to some confessions while I waited for our new doctor to arrive. I walked into Dr Edwin's now empty office and placed my laptop on the naked desk. Just like I expected there were some confessions.
sadieroxxs@gmail.com: Hey MM, please keep me anon.
When I was in high school I dated this guy who rocked my world, literally. The hottest guy any of us had ever seen! I was so proud to be his for as long as I was and he's my first :), a lady never forgets her first right? Anyways last night I happened to bump into him and he looked better than I could've ever imagined. So we had sex, for old times sake...the problem is I'm married. But I don't regret what I did, it was worth it.
I was about to tell her what a low-life cheating piece of shit she was, but I'm sure she knew that. Sadie Roxanne Tydes was the Regina George of our school. She was three grades above me in high school but I knew she had a reputation for being mean. I tried to remember who she was dating but because she changed boyfriends like she did underwear, I couldn't piece it together. Besides this was such a short and uninteresting submission. Compared to what I usually got, this was vanilla.
Another email came flying through.
MoMusFan23@gmail.com: Oh Madam madam! You'd never guess whose back in town?
I didn't bother to read the rest of that email. Who the hell was back in town, did I even care?
pixiecut123@gmail.com: Guess whose back?
Another one? Arg, I answered this one without reading the rest of her email.
madam.momus@gmail.com: Let me guess, Shady's Back?
Another email came through.
JeanBooks@gmail.com: Just Being Nosey
Hey River, everybody seems to be buzzing about some new guy in town. Now I don't care for the youngsters' gossip-
Liar.
-but do you know who this fella is? We can talk about it at your next review. Keep writing. Keep it sexy. Jean xoxo
I tried to scroll past all the 'guess who's back' emails but they were coming in faster than I could scroll. In fact, none of these submissions were sexy confessions, unless you count Sadie's lame one. Seriously, who makes such a commotion with their return? It better be some celebrity-
There was a knock on the open office door and my head shot up. The shock of reconising someone I thought I'd never see again, paralysed me. I hated to admit it but I instantly recognised him. This six foot two man with dirt blonde hair, blue eyes, a morning shadow and a mischievous smile was none other than Wesley Sykes. He was wearing dark blue jeans and a leather jacket, but the helmet in his left hand let me know he got here by bike.
He stood at the door way, legs spread apart like some kind of action hero. If this were a movie, he would definitely be the villain.
"Wesley?!" It sounded like a shriek of horror but I didn't care. "What the hell are you doing here?"
He smirked his handsome features brightening. "Someone called the doctor."