"Rogers!"
Steve shot his head up from the steaming cup of coffee in his hand to see Tony making his way into the dining area, followed by Bruce and Rhodey.
"Tony," Steve acknowledged.
"Tell me again why you and the cyborg got your own apartment if you two spend the majority of your time here?"
"A sense of normality," Steve smiled. "And some privacy too, I suppose."
"Privacy for what reason?" Tony crossed his arms. "You're a hundred-year-old virgin. Why would you need any privacy?"
Steve rolled his eyes, counting that it must be the hundredth time he's heard that one. He never corrected Tony, however, not wanting to feed into his jokes. He wasn't a hundred year old virgin, and in fact, had slept with someone since coming out of the ice...but it didn't go down very well and he didn't like to talk about it.
Tony and Steve got on relatively well, but they weren't the bestest of friends. They clashed on lots of things, like Bucky for example. That being said, there was still a mutual respect for each other.
"Yeah, and the metal-armed-maniac scares off any girl he looks at. I can't imagine you two are particularly lucky when it comes to the ladies." Rhodey snickered.
"Unless of course, you did what we all think you did, Steve."
"I did not sleep with Peggy!" Steve moaned. "Not in the 40s and definitely not in the retirement home."
"If you say so, Cap."
Peggy's death was hard for Steve, embarrassingly, a lot harder than he thought it would be, and just like every other bad thing in his life, he tried to stay distracted so he wouldn't have to think of it. And that's why him and Bucky spent so much time at the compound, to keep their minds off their pasts.
Finding Bucky was life changing for Steve, it was the moment that he thought maybe his life wasn't all doom and gloom. Of course, one happiness was unmatched to a lifetime of pain, but he helped. And Steve helped Bucky.
Eventually, everyone started to accept Bucky. Of course, him attending Wakanda was what really helped people feel safe. If T'Challa could forgive him, then so could everyone else. Of course, that had to come after the pair nearly murdered Tony, and perhaps that's why they're not best friends. But they don't talk about that.
"Please tell me dinner is ready!" Nat yelled from down the hall, being followed by Wanda, Sam, and Bucky.
"It's fend for yourselves today, guys."
"Ugh!" Nat groaned, flinging herself into the chair next to Steve.
Bucky took the other one and eventually everyone sat down, except for Tony. "I thought you guys were hungry?"
"We are, but we just finished training, the last thing we want to do is cook." Nat replied.
"Unbelievable, you guys are supposed to be avengers and yet you're too lazy to cook."
"I vote we order pizza!" Sam suggested and everyone hummed in agreement.
Most of the food nowadays was better, but both Bucky and Steve agreed that even though modern day pizza was good, it just couldn't beat 40s pizza.
"There's this new place that's opened in Brooklyn, Luigi's." Steve's ears pricked up at the mention, memories filling his mind. Even Bucky seemed to pick up on it, glancing at Steve.
"New?" Steve asked.
"Yeah, just opened a couple months ago. They do awesome Italian food, their pizzas are so good." Sam replied. "I'll call them now, everyone want their usuals?"
A chorus of "yes's" sounded, and Sam quickly left to go dial Luigi's, which still left steve and Bucky feeling quite curious.
"What are the chances of another Italian restaurant called Luigi's in Brooklyn?" Steve muttered to Bucky who smirked.
"Pretty good chances, Steve. It's like, one of the most common Italian names and Brooklyn is filled with Italians."
"I guess you're right."
Sam made his way back to the table where everyone had started chatting amongst themselves. "Okay, pizzas ordered. Oh, Tony, hope you don't mind paying?"
Tony rolled his eyes. "Of course not Sam, after all, what else am I here for if not to be all of you guys' sugar daddy?"
"Despite dripping with sarcasm, you're not wrong." Nat laughed. "Fury gives the missions, Steve runs the missions, and you...pay for stuff."
"For the sake of our friendship, I'm going to pretend you didn't just make it worse, Romanoff." Tony snapped his fingers. "Oh, shit, Cap. I almost forgot, you got a package dropped off from the big guy."
"The big guy?" Steve asked, watching Tony get up and grab a brown-paper wrapped box from the kitchen counter and bring it over.
"Yeah, Fury. He had an agent drop this off this morning." He placed it in front of Steve.
Steve chuckled. "You know, back in my day, big guy meant god."
Tony laughed. "Well, he may as well be, considering he seems to have a hand in deciding all our fates."
"...what is it?" Steve asked, picking up the somewhat-heavy box.
"Why don't you open it and find out, Cap?"
Everyone was staring intensely at Steve's gift, wondering what the hell Fury could have for him. If it was work related, they wouldn't have delivered it so casually. There was no warnings or top secret labels on it, so what could it be?
There was a small card stuck to the paper which Steve plucked off and opened, reading the note.
𝙲𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗,
𝙰𝚗 𝚊𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙴𝙻𝙳 𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚛𝚘𝚘𝚖. 𝙸𝚝 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚖𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚗 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚎𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚜 𝚌𝚞𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚍𝚢 𝚚𝚞𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚜𝚘me 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚐𝚘, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚞𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚍 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔, 𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚞𝚖.
𝚆𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚋𝚎𝚛𝚝𝚢 𝚘𝚏 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚌𝚔, 𝚑𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚞𝚗𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚜.
-𝙽𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝙵𝚞𝚛𝚢
The lock? What lock? Steve started ripping at the paper, his memory failing him of what on earth Fury could possibly be talking about until finally the paper was discarded, and all that was left in front of him was a dusty blue, very old little case.
"Steve...?" Bucky nudged him. "What's that?"
Steve swallowed hard, knowing exactly what it was but was unable to say anything. His memory was failing him, and while he knew it's where he kept his most sacred things, his keepsakes, he couldn't remember just what.
His fingers, trembling slightly, found the lid of the case and slowly pushed it open, the old hinges squeaking. The second it was open, both Steve and Bucky breathed in, taking in the scent that filled their senses.
"Holy shit," Bucky said. "That smells like..."
"Home." Steve finished and Bucky nodded.
"What is it?" Bruce questioned.
Steve picked the first item out the box and held it up to inspect, it was a ride ticket from Coney Island, when him and Bucky used to go.
He smiled, flipping the ticket around in his fingers. "I used this box for my keepsakes, back in the day."
"Wait," Sam cut in. "You're telling me SHIELD found a box of your things from the 40s?"
"Looks like lots of this stuff is older than the 40s." Bucky replied on behalf of Steve. "Holy shit, Steve. Is that-"
Bucky dove his hand into the box and grabbed an old cigarette tin, still with a stale, half smoked cigarette inside that Bucky and Steve attempted to smoke as teenagers.
"Christ, you really do keep everything, Steve."
"Can we see the stuff?" Wanda asked.
Steve looked at Bucky, who shrugged. "You wanna pass the stuff around? It's your call, pal."
Steve didn't see anything wrong with passing the keepsakes around the table for everyone to see, he trusted them to be gentle. Of course, Steve wanted to be first, or at least himself and Bucky.
Bucky passed the cigarette tin around one way and Steve sent the ticket around the other. Everyone carefully held the items, looking at a brief glimpse in time– in Steve's life.
Steve saw the edge of a photo frame poking out and sighed when he took it from the case. The glass was cracked and the metal frame tarnished, but the photo was still perfectly in tact. It was his mother.
Bucky continued sifting through Steve's case, which Steve didn't mind, and passed items along. Nothing major, just newspaper clippings or birthday cards, really. Steve, on the other hand, continued to stare at his mother.
He forced himself to keep his tears from falling, but he couldn't hide the relief he felt. He'd wished for a photo of his mother ever since he woke up, and now he had one again.
"Oh, Jesus Christ!" Bucky yelled loudly and threw a piece of paper face down on the table.
"What?" Steve asked, setting the photo of his mother aside because he really didn't the want anyone to touch it.
Bucky was covering his eyes dramatically, and Sam snuck his hand across and grabbed the large piece of paper that was folded up, curious to see what got Bucky so worked up.
"Holy shit!" A smile erupted onto Sam's face. "Who the hell is this and why do you have it?" He asked, turning the paper around for Steve and the others to see.
Steve's mouth parted, staring at the drawing in front of him and everyone wolf whistled and wiggled their eyebrows.
"Is this what porn was like in the 40s?" Rhodey asked and everyone laughed.
Everyone but Steve.
"N-no..." Steve asked and grabbed the page from Sam, staring at it.
Bucky opened his eyes again and snuck a glance over once more, eyes shifting from Steve to the page, back and forth.
"Looks like porn to me." Tony snickered.
"It's not porn," Bucky said softly. "Well, not technically."
Steve probably should've been more mad, he probably should've snatched the page away before anyone could see it. But he was so shocked at just who he was seeing again that he couldn't, he couldn't put it away, and he couldn't stop staring at his dead girlfriends half-naked picture.
"Then what is it?" Nat asked sarcastically.
"It's Millie." Steve choked out, tears finally falling. "It's...it's my Millie Mae."
Bucky put a comforting hand on Steve's shoulder, letting his friend shake as emotions overcame him, staring at his girl.
The drawing wasn't particularly special, there was no special moment that caused Steve to draw her, but he never needed a special moment. The drawing was of Millie, laying in his bed with his sheets just covering her sensitive areas, leaving the rest of her body and a hint of her left breast exposed.
"Wait, it's your Millie?" Tony asked. "What do you mean your Millie?"
"Steve, did you draw that?" Nat asked.
"Wait, I thought he was a virgin?" Rhodey laughed to Bruce who just shook his head, as if to say 'not the time'.
Steve took a deep breath in and rolled up the page, noting just how many scrolls of paper were in the little blue box. He knew that Millie would be on every single one.
A small square piece of card caught his eye and Steve pulled out one of the photos from the carnival, where he's kissing Millie's cheek and she's giggling at the camera.
Memories of that day came flooding back, of who they were with. Sylvia, Marco, and Dot. Steve and Bucky got word that Sylvia died at the scene of the bombing too, though they did find some of her remains.
They had also seen in a newspaper obituary that Dot passed away sometime last year. Bucky reacted quite strange to it, shut Steve out for a week or so, punched a hole through a wall, and then...nothing.
As for Marco, Steve had no idea if he was still around our not. Steve and Bucky checked the obituaries every paper and are yet to see a Marco Bianchi.
Steve sighed at the photo in his hand, realising he'd give anything to go back to that moment with Millie, even take back the serum. He'd be small again if it meant he could spend time with her.
"Millie was my...my first girlfriend."
"His only girlfriend..." Bucky added.
Tony furrowed his brows. "Hold on, what about Peggy?"
"I never dated Peggy, really. She kissed me once and that was it, nothing more really."
"But you dated this Millie girl?"
"Yeah...for almost 6 years." Steve felt a pang in his chest. A part of him wanted to keep Millie all to himself, but he saw the curiosity in his friends faces, so he passed her photograph along, leaving her semi nude (or in some cases, fully nude) drawings to himself.
He watched sadly as his friends all crowded around Tony, who was holding the picture. "6 years and you didn't propose, Rogers?"
Steve tried to force a sad smile, but even that was difficult. "I tried to...I-I was going to and then, well, plans changed. I decided I'd wait until after she came back from the war...except, she didn't come back."
"Wait, what?" Nat questioned. "War?"
"She was a wartime nurse, but her hospital was bombed. She didn't make it." Steve looked down so no one could see the tremble in his lips as he spoke, and Bucky kept his hand firmly on his shoulder. "Dr Erskine had theories it was Hydra."
"Huh. So that's why you're so hellbent on exterminating them?"
"One of the reasons, yes. They killed my wi-uh. My girlfriend."
Wanda let out a long sigh. "She's beautiful, Steve. I'm so sorry for your loss."
Steve shrugged, trying to play it off. "It was a long time ago."
"Technically speaking, yes. But for you it's probably only felt like a few years."
Steve directed his gaze back to the box, where right next to each other, were two of the most important things to his life. The first, should have changed his life, and the second one did.
He picked up both items in his hands, crying and failing at hiding it. Everyone had suddenly become so awkward, never having seen Steve cry before. This wasn't like him, or so they thought anyway. Bucky on the other hand, knew that Steve was a deeply emotional and feeling guy. Always had been.
"What are those?" Bruce asked.
Steve swallowed harshly. "A telegram and a ring."
He ended up putting the folded up telegram back in the case, but let himself open the velvet box to see the ring that he was supposed to propose with to Millie.
"Steve..." Bucky muttered and Steve looked to him. "You okay?"
Steve wiped his eyes and nodded, clamping the lid to the ring box shut and putting it back in the case. "I'm fine, Buck."
Tony passed the picture back to Steve, who set it inside the box with the rest of the things and shut the lid. He slid his container of keepsakes to Bucky and got up from his seat. "Watch this for me, would ya pal?"
Before Bucky could answer, Steve had left the dining hall, suddenly losing his entire appetite for food. He found his way to a training room, filled with punching bags.
It wasn't uncommon for him to end up in a place like this when he was overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings. It's one of the first places he went after he was thawed. He liked to hit the punching bags because if he didn't, he would take his anger out on people that didn't deserve it.
Dr Erskine said that the serum amplified everything inside a person, a good person would become great and a bad person would become worse. But what about a person in pain?
At first, he didn't notice it, but he quickly realised that's because pain projects other emotions, and people deal with other emotions differently. When Steve was in pain, he tried to hide it because he didn't want anyone to worry or see him in such a way. So with the serum amplifying everything, it also amplified how he dealt with it.
He could no longer run and hide under a table and cry and scream. He was far too big with too much power, so instead he ran into training rooms, and cried while breaking punching bags. Over and over again.
He didn't bother to wrap his hands, instead going straight for the heavy duty bag filled with sand that hung on the hook. Tony was no stranger to Steve's outbursts, so he learned from Fury that it was beneficial to keep plenty of bags on standby.
Finding a box of memories should be good, Steve should be happy, but instead it just resurfaced everything he tried to forget. The hurt and shame crept back in, the cowardly moves he made.
The regret.
As Steve started punching the bag, he couldn't help but wonder if he'd made slight changes, none of this would've happened. If he had changed some small thing, if Millie would never have gone away, and Steve would've never become Captain America.
Maybe he would've proposed, and they would've got married, had a couple kids. Steve would've died ten or fifteen years later, but he would've still had more time with Millie than he did.
He would've lived out the rest of his life with the love of his life and a family, even if it was a short one.
But, had she never enlisted, and had Steve never become Captain America, he would've never found Bucky. Of course, Bucky would've never fallen from the train and lost his arm either, but he would've become the winter soldier far quicker considering he was already a captive when Steve found him the first time.
And Steve would've never saved him.
It was strange, the feeling inside he had. He started to wonder, if given the choice between those two options, lose Bucky or lose Millie, who would he choose.
He punched the bag harder as the intrusive thoughts filled his mind, hating himself for the fact he even had the thought, and hating himself even more for not knowing the right answer.
There was a point in time where Steve thought he had neither of them, and it was the darkest moment of his life. He only wished their could possibly be a time where he could have both again.
"Steve," a voice said behind him but he didn't look, he knew who it was and continued to just keep punching until the bag exploded and flew from the chain. "Jesus, Steve..."
"What do you want, Nat?"
"You're my friend, can't I come to check on you?"
Steve didn't say anything as he walked to a new punching bag and threw it over his shoulder.
"Bucky is guarding that little blue case with his life."
"Good." Steve hooked the bag up and began punching again.
"I don't understand why you're suddenly so closed off about it, you seemed happy to share it with us at the beginning."
"It's been over 70 years, Nat. I didn't realise what I'd find in there. I-I forgot."
Forgot...or perhaps purposefully blocked it out. Remembering and thinking about it, about Millie, was agonisingly painful, even still.
"Steve..." Nat came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder, instantly stopping is punching. "Tell me about her."
"I don't want to," he shrugged her off.
"Steve, this isn't healthy. Plus, Tony is going to have a cow when he sees how many bags you go through."
Steve turned around in frustration and threw his hands up. "Why do you want to know?" He snapped. "Why does everyone need to know my fucking business?"
"Steve, we aren't being nosy. We're trying to help, we're your friends, your family!"
"I don't have a family!" He yelled. "I have Bucky, and that's it! He's all I have left from home!"
"That's not tru-"
"Yes, it is! You guys can be as nice to me as possible but we're colleagues, Nat. At the end of the day, we work together. Because who I am, is my job. Bucky is the only one I have that knows me for me, not as Captain America."
"You can start a new family. What about Sharon? What happened to her-?"
"I don't want a new family!" His voice got louder. "I want my Millie Mae, and I can't fucking have her because I killed her!"
Steve fell to his knees and cried, letting out all the emotions he worked so hard to hide. He blamed himself completely for the death of Millie, and he'd never stop.
"What do you mean, you killed her?" Nat got to his level and put a soft hand over his own.
"I'm the reason she's dead, because I was a selfish and stupid coward of a man. She enlisted because of me, because of something I did. And she died. Hydra killed her and there wasn't even a fucking body! I-I couldn't bury her."
Steve found himself sobbing into Nat's shoulder, so loudly he couldn't even hear her soothing and comforting him.
She pat his back as his tears soaked through her shirt, never having seen her friend like this, not even when Peggy passed.
"Steve, you couldn't control what Hydra did then. It's not your fault at all."
He shook his head against Nat's shoulder, disagreeing. "I want her back..." he muttered.
"I know... there's not much of your life I can relate to, but one thing everybody here has had to deal with is the loss of someone we loved." She pulled him away from her and held his cheeks in her hands. "And maybe you don't think of us as family, for whatever reason you have, I'm not sure I'll ever understand it. But, just because you don't think I'm family doesn't mean I won't treat you as such."
Steve wiped his tears with the back of his hand, instantly regretting the show of emotion to Nat.
"Now, let's get you sorted and come get some lunch. Food always makes me feel better."
Steve let out a shaky sigh. "Thanks, Nat. But I'm not hungry, I think I just want to go back home."
"Okay," she helped Steve up. "Well come on, I'll walk you out."
Steve took gentle steps through the facility until he was back in the kitchen, the smell of pizza wafting through the air. Nat was just slightly in front and picked up a slice on her way past the table.
"Hey, Steve!" Bucky called after him, clutching his little case in his hands. "Where you going?"
"I'm going back to the apartment, Buck."
"Oh, did you want to take this with you?" He motioned to the box. "Or...you want me to come with you, Pal?"
"Sorry, soldiers." Tony where red the kitchen. "You might want to stay here tonight. Just got word from Fury that we have an early morning mission."
Everyone groaned, no one being particularly in the mood for a mission, especially not such an early one.
"What kind of mission?" Bucky asked.
"Nothing too strenuous I'm hoping, but they're taking precautions and sending us because of where it's at actually." Tony took a seat at the table and reached for a slice of pizza. "Which brings me to my next point, actually. Barnes, you do not have to go if you are uncomfortable with it, but the mission is to secure some old files that SHIELD believes are at an old Hydra base in Russia."
Steve watched Bucky tense up and swallow hard. He knew his friend was better, but the complex PTSD ran rampant through him. He wouldn't be surprised if Bucky decided to tap out of this one.
"In Russia?" Bucky asked and Tony nodded. "Hm..."
"Have you been to the Russian base before?" Steve asked.
"I have...but only a few times. The Russian base is huge, even bigger than the Siberian one."
"We could definitely benefit from having your knowledge of the base, Barnes, but I'm sure we could get on fine without you too."
Bucky furrowed his brows. "I guess I'm just confused."
"Why's that?"
"Well, why does SHIELD need the Avengers to secure files from an abandoned Hydra base? That seems like something a few agents could do."
"It's abandoned?" Steve asked.
"Yeah, I can't remember why exactly, but they all left. I can't imagine they would've left anything behind, though."
"Well, that's just it guys." Tony said with a mouthful. "A source told SHIELD that while it didn't necessarily look like a bustling facility, they picked up energy and electricity coming from it. Someone could very well be inside. And as for the files, Fury was pretty adamant that he believed them to actually be there."
Bucky was quiet for a moment and looked up at Steve with questioning eyes.
"Your call, pal." Steve said, crossing his arms.
Bucky let out a sigh. "Who's going?"
"Myself, Nat, Steve, and Sam. Oh, and you of course if you want to do it."
Slowly, Bucky nodded. "Okay...I'll come."
"You sure?" Steve raised an eyebrow. "You really don't have to..."
"The Russian facility is like the catacombs, Steve. I've only been to a small area of it, but I'm better than nothing for a guide. I don't want you all to get lost."
"Great," Tony clapped his hands together. "I'll let fury know it's a full house and we will be leaving at around four in the morning."
Nat scrunched her face up at the mention of the early start and Steve felt the same. After today, all he wanted was to go back to his apartment he shared with Bucky in Brooklyn and sleep.
"I'll have someone prepare some rooms for you two," Tony added. "Hopefully a quick and easy mission with no surprises."
"Yeah," Steve grumbled. "Hopefully..."
—
A/N:
WELCOME TO PART THREE BITCHESSSSSS💜💜💜
I can't believe we're finally here, so happy to have you all along for the ride.
So, in my last (I think it was my last? Or perhaps chapter before last) chapter, I asked if you'd prefer a concise and direct part to wrap up the story line, or a part that has that BUT also consists of unimportant filler chapters filled with fluff and smut. The latter option was preferred!
Peace and love,
-Lonah Lennox