Katniss
"You take all the pain away.
Save me if I become
My demons." -Starset
When the relapse finally ends, I sit numbly on the couch in Peeta's arms. I have no desire to stand or move or blink or even breathe. I'm left with the cold, empty feeling that relapses and flashbacks bring once they've left.
Peeta tells me that Doctor Aurelius knows about my relapse. He wasn't too happy with the fact that they're continuing to this extent.
"He's requesting you come in for a secondary evaluation." Peeta explains.
"Secondary evaluation?" I repeat, confused.
"To look at your condition. He wants us there in an hour or so."
Too look at my current condition? I thought we had all known my condition. I'm both mentally and physically unstable, severely concussed, and I'm still having relapses and flashbacks. There's not much to discuss.
Well, at least that's what I had thought until I slowly sat down in Doctor Aurelius's office an hour later.
"Miss Everdeen," He greets me.
I don't say anything in reply.
He opens a folder that must contain my medical case file. He looks over some papers and sighs.
"I understand that we're not doing great, are we?" He says, solemnly.
I look at my hands.
"Flashbacks and relapses still bad?" He asks. I still don't say anything, so he turns to Peeta.
"Yeah, they are." He says.
"We're going to have to run a test today to see where her scientific medical state is at, and then... then we'll discuss what we're going to do." Doctor Aurelius says to Peeta.
"Tests?" I ask, quietly.
"Just a blood draw." He replies.
I'm silent.
"We're going to have her admitted and then we'll administer the test." He says.
And that's what happens. Peeta helps me up and we walk through the hospital behind Doctor Aurelius, following him through stark white corridors and hallways. I walk past rooms of patients, and I feel a stab of pain when I see kids in the hospital rooms decorated in pastel animals. They shouldn't be here. They should be at home with their families. I feel like I can breathe again once we're out of the Pediatric Ward. When we come to the room that I'll stay in, Doctor Aurelius hands me a hospital gown.
"Once you're ready, we'll get the blood test." He says before leaving. I go into the small bathroom and put on the gown. As I'm about to open the door and leave, I catch sight of myself in the mirror. I look at my gray eyes that have obviously been crying. My bruised eye still looks purple-ish around the outside. My pale face and small stature looks more fragile than usual. I look sick. I quickly look away and exit.
When I leave the little bathroom, I walk quickly to the hospital bed. I sit on the edge until Peeta comes in.
"I let Dr. Aurelius know you were ready. He says he's on his way." Peeta says.
I nod slightly before pulling my legs up onto the bed.
"Hey," Peeta says, "You okay?"
"Yeah." I say. But I'm lying. And he knows.
"No you're not." He says.
I shake my head. I feel a lump in my throat and when I talk, it comes out as a strained whisper. My voice, even in a whisper, cracks.
"I'm just... I'm just sorry that everything that ha- happens ends up being some stupid medical thing for me." I whisper. I'm hoping he doesn't hear, but I know he does. I don't know what I want him to say.
"Katniss..." He says. But that's it. No comforting words because he can't think of any. I think I'm sort of glad. Instead of talking, he sits with me and holds my hand.
"No matter what, you'll still love me, right?" I ask, still whispering.
"No matter what." He says.
"The girl I fell in love with when I was seven is still you. Nothing Snow could ever do could change that. No hijacking, no torture, no brain condition. Katniss, I am in love with you. I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I'll love you for the rest of time."
He takes my chin in his hand and turns my head towards him. We're face to face, and he stares into my eyes, trying to see the hurt in them. And then, as if in a fraction of a second, he presses his lips to mine. I begin to cry, making the kiss wet with my tears. He takes his arms and puts them around me. When we finally have to come up for air, I take my hand and wipe my eyes.
The Doctor walks in, followed by a nurse. I can't help but think of Prim.
"Okay, Katniss, we're going to do the blood test and then in a half hour we'll come tell you what we're gonna do." A nurse explains.
She inserts the needle into my vein and draws the amount of blood she needs. I close my eyes when she puts the needle in. Then she puts a cotton ball on the spot and wraps it up.
"See you in a half an hour!" She says, cheerily.
"Yeah." I say dully.
"Katniss, look at me." Peeta says.
I turn my head to face him. He stares into my eyes, as if trying to figure out what I'm thinking. In reality, I don't know what exactly I'm thinking about. Death, I guess, but something more. Afterlife. Peeta. Getting married. Learning to live again. Recovery. That's what I'm thinking about, just to name a few.
"What are you thinking about?" He asks. Trying to get out of the question, I act as if I'm zoned out.
"Katniss?"
"What? Oh. Sorry." I say. Good, he believes it.
"What are you thinking about?" He asks again. I have to confess it, don't I?
"Well, I'm thinking about you. And getting married..." I say, trailing off.
"Katniss." He says, insisting that I'm not telling the truth. And I'm not.
"Well, I was thinking about that. But I was thinking about, uh, I was just thinking about recovery and stuff. And death, I guess. I don't know." I say quickly. I don't want him to hear that last part.
"Katniss. You have to stop thinking about-"
"No, Peeta. I don't. And I can't. You and I both know that whatever's wrong with me can kill me! We can't just make our whole situation one big euphemism and act like it's not true. Because it is true, Peeta. I could be dying." I cut in.
He falls silent, knowing I'm right. We spend the rest of the wait in silence.
Doctor Aurelius comes in, and I immediately search his facial expression for signs of anything. Disappointment, happiness, remorse... But there's nothing. He's totally and utterly neutral. For a moment I think everything's normal and fine, that I'm just having some persistent relapses. But then Doctor Aurelius beckons Peeta out of the room and into the hallway. Peeta, not both of us.
I watch the door shut and Doctor Aurelius put a hand on Peeta's back, guiding him away from the room.
I don't get to hear the news.
--
Peeta
I'm surprised when Doctor Aurelius only wants to meet with me. He leads me away from the room, I guess so Katniss doesn't hear.
"Doctor Aurelius... Is everything alright?" I ask.
"Well," He says with a confused look plastered onto his face, "We aren't sure. You see, the blood tests aren't enough to determine exactly what's going on with the relapses."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"We would need to do something where we would be able to see her brain activity during a relapse." He explains.
"And how would you do that?" I continue.
"Alright. Well, regrettably, the only way to do this is to cause a relapse for Katniss. We would inject a special fear inducing, but safe, serum into Katniss. It takes a minute or two to kick in, but when it does... There's no doubt she'll relapse. We'll have her on brain monitors the whole time, and we'll see how her brain functions." He says.
"Wait, hold on! You want to cause a relapse for her? If you're not careful, she could kill herself. Or she could die from it! You think that would help her?" I ask, upset.
"Peeta, she's in a safe hospital. We're prepared for anything. She's in good hands. I assure you, she won't be dying anytime soon. This procedure will help us find out what we can do, which will tremendously improve her situation. If we don't go through with this... we may never know." He insists.
"What about her?" I ask.
"Pardon?" He replies.
"I mean, what about her? You're putting her into a relapse. Yeah, you're saying she won't die, but come on. Doctor, she's going to be terrified beyond belief! That's not what she needs. At all." I say.
"Well, we can administer medicine that will make her sleep?" He suggests.
"No... No. She'll have nightmares. At least if she's awake, she can know that I'm there." I say.
"Mr. Mellark," He says, looking rather guilty, "It must have slipped my mind, my apologies, but you can't be in there with her. Comfort... It could interfere with the data we really need. We need it to be pure, untouched fear."
"I can't be in there?" I repeat, trying to get my mind around Katniss being all alone in that state. She'll be all alone with her demons.
"No, I'm afraid not." Doctor Aurelius says. I don't answer then, and we walk back to Katniss's room.
--
Katniss
Peeta and Doctor Aurelius return a few minutes later. Peeta looks a bit pale, but insists that he's fine and that everything's fine. But I can sense how uncomfortable he is.
"What is it?" I ask intently.
I can see how he longs to keep it a secret, but like Gale, he's not one to keep secrets.
And so he explains it. A few agonizing minutes later, he finishes. They're going to make me go into a relapse?
But why? That doesn't help me at all...
Doctor Aurelius comes in then, and he eventually explains the answer to my question. How does it help me?
"How does it help you? Well, when you're in the relapse, you'll be monitored for the duration. We can review your brain activity and see what's going on. It helps us, which in turn, helps you immensely. We could possibly even find a cure for your condition. Imagine that, Katniss. You could be free of it." He says. It's obvious he's only saying this to make me go through with the procedure.
"I'll let you two discuss it." He says
finally and walks out.
I turn to Peeta, wanting to say something but not knowing what to say.
"I don't think you should do it. I'm sorry, but I'm so worried about the ramifications of it." He says first.
Then I speak.
"I don't know what to do. What he said sounded valid, but I'm so scared. What sort of fear is it going to cause? And relapses are so painful. The doctors in 13 said that a bad enough relapse could kill me, and Doctor Aurelius agreed. I don't want to do it." I say.
"Then don't. We can get through these." Peeta says. I nod in agreement.
Doctor Aurelius returns a few minutes later. He asks what decision I have come to. I'm just about to tell him no when I feel this feeling in my stomach. I feel like I'm making a bad decision. The little nagging grows gradually.
"What's your decision?" He asks.
"I'll do it." I say quietly.
He gives a little smile, nods, and walks out to prepare, leaving me with a confused and worried Peeta.
--
"I love you. I love you. I love you." Peeta says. I can see tears in his eyes as he clenches my hand. I lie in a different hospital bed I am in a room surrounded by soft walls and soft floors. There is nothing in here except the hospital bed and Peeta and I. I reach my free hand to the small shaved spot on the back of my neck and head where they have the object that inserts the serum. Next to it is an electrode, which along with the other 2 on my forehead, will transmit my brain activity to the staff of Doctors and Nurses outside of my room.
I will have to be all alone in this. No doctor or nurse to get me out, no Peeta to hold me close and try to comfort me. It will just be me and the fear that will soon be pumped through my veins.
A nurse comes into the room, signaling that Peeta has to leave. She's hesitant to have to break us apart.
"Hey," Peeta says, reassuringly, "I'll see you when you get out. I love you."
I'm jolted back in time to my first arena, where I told little Rue that I would see her for supper. And I didn't see her for supper. I watched her die, right there in front of me. I sang her to her death. And then again, in my second Games. I told Peeta that I'd see him at Midnight. I didn't... Instead I got this. This life of medical scares and the scars of my past.
"Okay. I love you too. No matter what?" I say, shakily.
"I love you. No matter what." He answers.
We kiss what could be our last kiss.
He gives my hand one last squeeze before walking out. It feels like there's cotton in my mouth and a lump in my throat.
"You ready?" A nurse intercoms in.
I give a slight nod.
"Try to relax. The serum could be a little easier if you do. It's all okay. It'll be over soon enough, Katniss." Doctor Aurelius says on the intercom.
I take a deep breath. I'm not calming down though, that's for sure.
"Okay. On my count." He says, "One... Two..."
I feel the needle in the back of my neck. I want to scream and cry and yell at them to stop this before it's too late, but I don't. I feel a quiet come over my body almost eerily.
And then, I feel something worse than any relapse I've ever experienced. Worse even than the one that put me into a coma.
The fear isn't around me, no.
The fear is becoming me.
**Okay, so I need to say something! The idea for the flashback inducement IS NOT MINE. It is solely booklover2019 's idea from her [amazing] fanfic. I couldn't not give her credit because 1. That's illegal and 2. It's such a good idea, I couldn't tell you guys that it was mine! ❤️
xx A. **