It was proving to be seriously difficult to corner the evasive Ian. He was constantly doing something on the way home, like engaging Brett in a conversation about Dvorák, like looking down at the ground with an air of 'can't touch this' around him. Eddy had hoped to ask him if they could talk, if he was alright, but by the time they went into the hotel he still hadn't found a window.
"I'm just going to go lie down. You guys head off." Ian said off-handedly as they walked through the lobby towards the lift, and Eddy's heart jumped in his chest.
Look, his words were normal enough. It was just something you would say after a short night. But his eyes, when he caught them, they took Eddy aback, just like they had this morning in rehearsal. They were sad, so very sad. And suddenly Eddy realised what he was doing. Fleeing. Right? He was fleeing. He breathed in sharply through his nose.
"I'm just going to go up with you, alright?" he said. He glanced at Brett, who nodded almost imperceptibly, just like he had earlier today. Brett grabbed Todd's arm and took him towards the reading table while Eddy followed Ian.
Ian didn't say a word as they waited for the lift, as they got in, rode up, as the doors opened. And Eddy knew him, so he knew very well that he wasn't planning to either. He was willing to stand next to him, sure, but he wasn't willing to let him in. And usually he would accept that, but today everything was different. He blinked at Todd and Ian's door and squared his shoulders.
"Ian." he said at last, when the time was up, Ian already had his key card in his hands, he was about to run in and close the door behind him. "Can I please talk to you?"
Ian shook his head and opened the door.
"Sorry, Eddy."
"Ian, please. Come on. I want to help."
It was so not like him, to push like this, to insert himself into the situation, but this was bigger than him. This was about Todd, and Ian. This was about all of them. It needed fixing, because right now everyone was miserable. So what else was he going to do?
"Look. We need to talk." he said again, pleading him.
Ian took a laboured breath, and then suddenly his shell seemed to break in a thousand pieces and he visibly sagged.
"God, Eddy. What is there to talk about then? I fucked everything up, can't we leave it at that?"
"Can we go inside? Please?"
Ian shrugged and stepped aside to let him in.
The room looked exactly the same as last night. Innocent, like nothing at all had happened there. And he realised in that second how rough it must be for them both, to be sharing like this, to not have space to be apart, to just process things. Ian sunk down on the foot of the bed and buried his face in his hands and after a beat Eddy joined him.
"So." he said quietly.
"Yeah. I made a huge mistake last night." Ian said just as quietly. He was looking out towards the window, to the street where normal life was happening. God, did that ever feel far away.
That sat in silence as Eddy waited, to see if he would keep talking, would share more about how he felt, but he just sat, and stared, for the longest time. Then he took another rough breath.
"Look, you were there, you saw it happen, right? How the fuck did that just happen? Where the fuck did that come from?"
Eddy blinked rapidly, once, twice, three times. He was skating on thin ice here, because he couldn't disclose how Todd felt, of course. That would be Todd's place, not his, so he would have to keep this solely about Ian. But how was Ian ever going to make sense of things if he only had half the story?
"I'm so sorry, Ian." he said in the end. "You must be so confused."
Before he could think of anything else to say Ian turned and eyed him with such vehemence that he almost got up from the bed and jumped away.
"Confused?" Ian said harshly. "No, Eddy. I'm not confused. I'm just in a whole fucking world of trouble."