I woke up with a bit of a headache and when I heard the unusual sounds of an AC running and people talking indistinctly, I grew confused as to where I was. I sat up and took a moment to let myself wake up and when I finally registered my surroundings, I finally remembered where I was.
Steve was still asleep on the floor and I could tell that he wasn't going to be waking up anytime soon. As quietly as I could, I stepped over him and left the room to use the restroom and maybe find some food to eat before I left for home.
Brain and Sam were already awake and talking softly in the kitchen about their experience last night. I paid no mind to them as I made my way to the restroom and, thankfully, they didn't see me. It was after I took care of my business and entered the living room, did they finally notice me.
"Ed? When the hell did you get here?" Sam wondered in confusion.
"I've been here," I chuckled tiredly and joined them in the kitchen for food.
"Ah shit, I didn't even know you stayed the night," Brian laughed.
I poured myself a glass of orange juice, "Well, yeah, you both passed out on the couch," I rolled my eyes playfully. They went on to both talk to me about the trip that they had; they enthusiastically spoke about odd hallucinations and sensations and laughed about the experience. They both seemed equally excited about the experience and I just let them go on; they never once brought up the incident with Steve so I assumed that they had forgotten it happened. As long as they didn't remember that specific incident, I was alright and confident that Steve would be okay for a while.
When I grew disinterested in Sam and Brian's chatter, I zoned out mentally and poured myself a bowl of cereal to eat. I thought about other things while I ate and daydreamed about anything that randomly popped into my head. Brian and Sam's voices were merely background noise to me and I was okay with that.
I returned to Steve's room to grab my things and once I had everything together, I said a quick goodbye to Brian and Sam and left. They returned the goodbye as I stepped out of the door and I waved again before shutting the door.
I got home while the Lockwoods must've been having breakfast because the smell of bacon and eggs was strong throughout the place. I decided to be nice enough to tell them I was finally home rather than just disappearing to my room and being yelled at later for coming home and not telling them. So, I casually made my way to the dining room and, when I arrived, sure enough, the family was seated at the table eating and talking casually.
I stood in the doorway until someone noticed me and finally, after a few seconds, Max happened to see me and he announced my presence by yelling out, "Birdie!!" Daniel and Lucy turned to me when he yelled my name and Daniel was quick to start asking his questions.
"Well, where the hell have you been?" he wondered.
"I'm sorry, I stayed the night at a friend's after my appointment," I explained.
"You could've called us, I was worried something happened to you!" Daniel exclaimed.
"I'm sorry, I won't do it again," I apologised.
"You better not... also your therapist called, he said he needed to talk to you," he stated.
I nodded, "I'll call him later. I need a nap." and with that, I disappeared down the hall to go to my room.
I didn't waste any time getting comfortable and burying myself in the comfort of my own bed and blankets. I was exhausted from last night and the effects of being high were still lingering in my system so sleep was very much wanted and needed.
...
I woke up sometime around noon and after taking my sweet time to shower, have lunch, and clean up my mess of a room, I picked up the phone to call Terrance. He didn't answer right away, which slightly annoyed me because I wanted to hear what he needed to tell me right away, but alas, I have to be patient.
He eventually answered with a dead-serious, "Hello?" and the tone in his voice startled me at first. It felt like he was answering a call from some government agent and it threw off my train of thought at first.
"Um... hi, it's Ed, you called earlier?" I said awkwardly.
"Oh... hey, Ed... uh, listen, I just wanted to let you know 'cause I don't want to keep anything from you but uh... Mom's not doing as well anymore so... I think her time will be coming soon. I just wanted to let you know so you could visit her a few more times before she passes," Terrance explained solemnly. I knew this was going to happen from the very beginning but hearing it repeated to me as it occurred still made my heart sink and my stomach tied itself in knots. Even though I knew she was dying this entire time, it was just another painful reminder that I was going to lose her for good quicker than I thought. In the next few months or weeks even, I'd be an orphan again and I didn't like that thought.
"Ed? You still there?" I heard Terrance's voice but it sounded distant and unreal.
"Yeah... I'm still here..." I responded automatically but mentally I wasn't still there. I listened as Terrance explained what had happened but his words were no more than a hum in my ear. My brain was still locked on the fact that I was losing my mother all over again but this time... there was no chance I'd get her back.
Daniel wandered into the kitchen and saw me seated at the table with the phone in my hand but I didn't notice him until he was standing directly next to me, wanting to know what was going on. Terrance continued to explain as gently as he could about what would happen to my mother after her death but I still wasn't really listening. I stared with an empty expression at the wall in front of me and his voice hummed in my ear like an ominous warning.
"Ed?" Terrance's voice suddenly called and I was brought back to reality.
"Hm?" I hummed.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay... thanks for letting me know..." I mumbled robotically and after a few more words and an eventual goodbye, Terrance hung up and I was left there to continue processing what was going on alone.
I felt Daniel's hand on my shoulder but it wasn't enough to bring me out of my trance. I heard his voice calling my name but I still couldn't find the power within me to respond. Daniel ended up having to take the phone out of my hand and put it back on the receiver himself because I just refused to do anything.
Eventually, he shook me gently and snapped his fingers in front of my face to get my attention and I slowly found myself returning back to this plane of existence against my will. I looked at him and he quietly asked what was wrong.
"Um..." I muttered weakly. Daniel continued to gaze at me with a concerned expression and waited patiently for me to speak.
"My... mum is... dying..." I eventually managed to choke out.
"I thought you already knew that-"
"No, like... she's doing worse..." I corrected him and a look of realisation crossed over his features.
"I'm so sorry..." he apologised and gently placed his hand on my arm to comfort me.
"It was going to happen anyway..." I muttered and got up from there without another word and left. I went straight to my room to be alone and for the rest of the day, I was laying in bed thinking too much about everything.
I didn't want the news to hurt me so badly because I knew it was going to happen but it still did and I was mad at myself for it. I spent so long preparing myself to accept my mother's death and the moment it hit me that she really was going to die, I threw all of that preparation out the window because it was useless. I don't think I ever really truly prepared myself for her death and now I feel guilty that it's all my fault. This omen that follows me everywhere I go is coming back to haunt me again.
Mortemville, Montana 1986 May 23rd
I visited my mother only once the entire past week because I was too hurt to go see her and when I finally did see her, I was too hurt to go back. She was on a ventilator now and was hardly ever awake. It destroyed me seeing her like that, silently suffering in pain but too weak to do anything about it.
Terrance knew exactly why I was upset at our usual weekly therapy appointment. He knew exactly why I was upset because he was also upset about it. Our appointment today was mostly spent in silence as we both struggled to accept the truth. I was okay with the silence; why would I get angry at him for not speaking to me if he was depressed about the same exact thing I was?
Daniel had also told Lucy what was going on with me and despite her not really caring about me as much as he did, she still offered her sympathies and both parents told Max to give me some space for a while. He didn't understand why I needed space so they just told him I was dealing with some difficult emotions and wanted to be left alone. Thankfully, he somewhat understood and I rarely had to deal with him throughout the week.
Instead of visiting, I would call every other day to see how she was doing and every day that the response stayed the same, was another day of me anxiously anticipating when I would call and the response would be her end. It's tearing me apart slowly but surely and the mental progress that I had been working so hard on felt as if it all came tumbling back down.
I hate feeling like this... I'm so tired.
Mortemville, Montana 1986 May 26th
I finally got an update that I've been dreading. Terrance called to inform me that a nurse had come by to check up on everything and she said that it would be any day now before Mum passes. He said that his family had started planning the funeral and going over the will and I was welcome to join them. I had to respectfully decline; the last thing I wanted to do was be there while they planned her funeral while she was still alive.
I'm even more anxious now that I know any day could be her last. I'm starting to lose sleep over it because I'm afraid that if I wake up, she'll be gone. I want to visit her at least one more time but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I don't want to watch her lay there on that bed, too weak to say anything to me or even be able to hug me one last time.
I'll randomly break down in my room because I thought too much about my life and remembered how badly I wished I had someone who would care for me and hold me close to protect me. And when I had it again, it's being ripped away from me like it was when I was a child. All I wanted was to hug my Mum and hear her tell me it's going to be okay but I'll never get that again. I always felt cold and exposed from how alone I was and the feeling never went away.
I just wanted to feel nothing for once. I'm so tired of feeling everything.
Mortemville, Montana 1986 May 28th
I finally decided to at least try to reach out for some semblance of comfort so I called Steve with the hope that he wasn't busy and I could maybe stop by to hang out with him. To my utter relief, he said he was free to hang out and I never got cleaned up and ready to leave quicker in my life. I let Daniel know where I was going before I left and he seemed relieved that I was finally leaving the house to be around people.
I drove to Steve's house and when I arrived, I was somewhat relieved to see that Brian and Sam's cars were gone, which meant I would be able to enjoy Steve's presence without having to deal with his roommates also wanting to comfort me. I'm sure they would've meant well if they were there but I didn't even know if I could handle being around one person let alone three.
Steve greeted me at the door and was quick to offer me something to drink. I only asked for water and sat on the couch. I never told him my reasoning for wanting to come over when I called but I'm sure he noticed my quietness the moment I stepped in. He handed me a glass of water and sat next to me on the couch, staring at me decisively as if trying to figure out what was wrong just by how I looked.
"What's up with you?" he wondered.
"I'm just... having a hard time in all honesty," I admitted quietly and took a sip from the glass.
"Why? Your dad found out you smoke?" he questioned.
I shook my head, "No... my mum is dying..." Steve's face instantly fell and I could feel the entire atmosphere of the room change.
"Oh, man, I'm so sorry to hear that..." he hummed.
"It's okay, I'm just..." my voice trailed off as the sudden urge to burst into tears hit me. I had to drink my water for a moment to calm myself and Steve patted my back comfortingly.
"It's okay, you don't have to say anything," he assured me and kept his hand resting at the nape of my neck. I stayed quiet, sipping my water and staring blankly at the carpet in front of me. I was mostly focused on trying not to burst into tears in front of him again but I knew the moment I said another word, I'd be sobbing like a child.
"Would you like a hug?" Steve asked and I shook my head, knowing I'd start crying from that too. I could already feel that painful lump in my throat and it was making my eyes water but I still tried to hold back. Steve remained on the couch with me, rubbing my back gently and staying quiet to give me a few moments.
Eventually, I was able to take a deep breath to compose myself and I wiped away whatever stray tears had escaped, "I'm sorry..." I muttered shakily.
"Don't apologise, man, take your time," Steve responded before getting up and going to the kitchen. He returned with a few sweets and set them in front of me on the coffee table. He sat back down next to me and turned the TV on to some random channel to fill the painful silence. I was staring at the TV but I wasn't paying attention to what was playing. I was deep in thought about everything going on again and I couldn't even find the power to pick up one of the treats that Steve had given me.
Steve looked over after a while of watching TV and when he saw that I was still upset, he asked if he could get me anything. I didn't know what to respond so I simply just shrugged and curled my legs up to my chest. Without a word, Steve got up and went to the closet in the hallway; I had no idea what he was up to since I was already focused on grieving my mother before her death.
He returned and before I could think about what was happening, he had thrown a large fuzzy blanket over me and wrapped it around me so I was trapped within it.
"What?" I hummed in confusion and Steve chuckled.
"My mom used to do this to me all the time when I was upset," he explained and sat back down. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him and I had to go along with it because I couldn't move. I let him hold me as he went back to watching TV and I slowly began to melt into the comfort of the soft blanket. It was warm and secured me tightly and with his arm around me, I felt as if I was getting a full body hug. I unwillingly began to cry from the small amount of relief that came with it and Steve noticed when he heard me sniffle.
"Are you okay??" he asked with concern and I nodded and pulled the blanket closer to my face.
"Do you wanna be let go?" he raised his arm slightly and I shook my head quickly
"No... I like it," I sniffled and he returned his arm to its original place. I cherished the warmth and stayed wrapped up in the blanket while watching the TV and slowly but surely, I found myself growing more and more relaxed and calm. I was glad Steve did that because it worked like a charm.
We sat there for a few hours before I eventually found the strength to sit up and leave that shell of a blanket to eat the snacks that were still waiting on the coffee table.
"You feel better?" Steve asked and I nodded as I tossed a handful of fruit snacks into my mouth.
He smiled, "Good. I knew that would work."
"Thank you..." I muttered quietly.
"It's no problem, I'm here for you, Ed," he reassured me and eventually got up to make dinner. I remained on the couch with the blanket around my shoulders and watched the TV while eating snacks. I certainly did feel better than before but it wasn't anything too good. I felt numb to everything and it seemed as if I suddenly wasn't even in the room, to begin with. As if everything that was happening was happening in another room.
"Oh, hey! I found a hair tie! You want it?" Steve's voice abruptly brought me back to the present and I looked at him after blinking aggressively to moisten my eyes.
"Huh?" I mumbled.
"A hair tie. You want it? It's probably yours anyway," Steve chuckled and held up a hair tie for me to see. I didn't recognise it but I took it anyway because my hair was a goddamn mess. Steve flicked it over to me and I busied myself by tying my hair back.
"Would you ever cut your hair or are you growing it?" Steve asked while focused on a grilled cheese that was cooking in a pan.
"I don't know, I've mostly just been too lazy to bother with it," I answered.
"I think you'd look pretty good with short hair," Steve commented.
I scoffed, "Are you just saying that 'cause I look like a girl?"
"No," he laughed, "Who told you you look like a girl?"
"Actually, you did," I laughed. Steve gave me a look of shock and confusion. "You said my brother calls me Birdie because I look like a chick, I remember that specifically."
Steve laughed, "When the hell did I say that!?"
"When we all got high and you took shrooms," I answered and Steve continued to laugh for a while.
"Dude, I am so sorry! I didn't mean to say that!" he laughed but I waved him off and told him it was fine. Steve put his grilled cheese on a plate and came back to the couch to sit down and eat. He offered me some but I declined.
"By the way, I don't think you ever told me why your nickname is Birdie," he stated before taking a bite out of the sandwich.
I shrugged, "kids, I guess. I don't know, Max tried to tell me once but I didn't understand a word he was saying," I explained, knowing full well why I was called Birdie and not wanting to have to go through an in-depth explanation about my odd ability. I'd rather keep it a secret at this point because it's just too much to explain everything and hope people still stick around after knowing. I already even periodically take off the necklace so it doesn't raise any concerns because I'm always wearing bones around my neck like some morbid creep.
"Kids will be kids... it's a cool nickname to get from a young kid. Usually, they call you stupid shit like 'Doo Do Face' or- I don't know- 'Stinky'," Steve explained and I chuckled. I agree; I got lucky when it came to the nicknames young kids give their older siblings. But at the same time, it made me wonder what nicknames Dylan and Samantha gave me. I'm sure it's something absolutely offensive.
We talked for a while about everyday things and barely paid attention to the TV. It certainly did feel nice talking to someone rather than spending my days alone in my room where no one wanted to bother me. He knew how to comfort me whether he was aware of it or not and I enjoyed it.
He managed to make me laugh somehow, which was an odd thing for me when I'm depressed. I knew he had never had to go through losing a family member because his family was still alive and well but he still, somehow understood exactly how I was feeling and did everything he could to make me feel better. I felt cared about in his presence and that idea alone made me feel safer.
Although I didn't really want to leave, I had to leave before dinner. Steve informed me that Sam and Brian should've been coming home soon and that was my cue to leave. Sam and Brian were good people but I just didn't have the energy to socialise with anyone else. Steve gave me a few more packets of fruit snacks before wishing me luck and saying goodbye.
I left and the drive home felt empty as if the moment I left his house, the good mood that I had come into immediately disappeared. I hated it.