June 2016
Camila's POV
Touring is fun but it is literally the most mentally and physically exhausting thing I have ever done. The girls make it so worth it though. We always have so much fun that I forget to be tired. That's something I'm gonna struggle with when I'm on my own.
We had just finished our show in Curitiba, Brazil and I was laying on one of the couches in the back dressing room while listening to music. As Wait by M83 blasted through my headphones, I tried to think of how much different life would be after I left the group. The girls had assured me we would stay close and I believe them...mostly. It's just that I know how these things go: you promise to stay in touch but life gets in the way and you drift apart. It happened with my friends from Miami, Sandra and Marielle. After The XFactor, we made a pact to stay close but...now I barely talk to them.
These girls were my sisters, besides Lauren. She was something else but nonetheless she was a huge part of my life. We've all experienced the same things on this ride and no one else can relate to that. Y/N understands the industry and the struggles but she wasn't here when everything was going down.
She wasn't here when the girls stayed up with me and Lauren to assure us our relationship wasn't going to ruin the band like we were told. She wasn't here to console Ally when she was told she needed to go on a diet, or when a producer handed her a thong to wear. She wasn't here to comfort Dinah when her family started distancing themselves from her because of her career. She wasn't here when Normani was getting death threats and being called racial slurs so much she almost quit music altogether. No, these were things only the five of us had been through as a group. And it was going to be hard to be away from the people who have been there the whole time.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and I jumped up, pulling out my earbuds. "Why are you crying?" Lauren asked, taking a seat beside me.
I brought my hands to my cheeks, surprised to find tears running down them. "I didn't know I was." I chuckled. "It's fine though. What's up?"
Lauren clearly didn't believe me but she brushed it off. "You're not getting away with that but, first, I do have something I want to talk to you about."
"What is it?"
I watched as Lauren looked away from me, wringing out her hands nervously. "Well...I've been having meetings with different execs and um..." she took a deep breath. "They're letting me come out."
"What?" I asked, sitting up straighter. "Really?"
"Yeah." Lauren nodded, still avoiding my gaze. "There's a few reasons for it that I don't fully understand but, yeah. They're setting me up with Lucy for it."
"Lucy? Vives?"
"Yeah. I guess she's trying to break into the modeling world and into music somewhat. Her dad pulled some strings. So, I get to come out and she gets to make a name for herself." I listened to Lauren halfheartedly. This was a good thing, a great thing even. But, selfishly, I was still pissed off. This was a step in the right direction though. Maybe soon, I could come out too. "They're gonna leak a picture of us kissing. They wanna get it at my cousin's wedding when I go. Then they'll have me release a statement later." She looked over at me finally. "Are you mad?"
"No," I answered far too quickly. "I'm happy for you." I have her a forced smile.
"Thanks." She smiled though I knew she saw right through me. "They're still setting me up with Ty afterwards. Something about not wanting people to get the wrong idea. I guess being with a girl too long is too much for them. They just want it long enough so I can 'have a reason' to come out as bi but still appeal to guys."
"That's gross." I scoffed. "This shit is a nightmare. We have to hide who we love and show off these fake...things. I just don't get it."
"Me either." Lauren sighed. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Well, if they're letting me come out then chances are good they won't let you for a bit. Ya know with the whole Camren thing." She explained.
"Right..." I hadn't thought of that but now that I am, my anger was starting to boil over. I knew I had to get away from Lauren before making her the target of my rage. "Thanks for telling me, Lo." I smiled and stood up, kissing her head quickly before I left the room.
Angry tears spilled from my eyes and I checked the time. It was just past 11 here so it was only a little after 7 pm in LA. I knew Y/N was still at the studio, but I needed to talk to her, so I quickly tapped on her contact and FaceTimed her.
"Hey, pretty girl." She smiled as soon as she picked up. I couldn't help but smile at the nickname she always used when she answered my calls. "Woah, what's wrong?" She asked. I sniffled loudly as I walked into the bathroom. "Hey, Jared," Y/N called out to someone in the studio with her. "I'll be right back."
"We're right in the middle of—"
"I know, just give me a few minutes." She cut off 'Jared' before leaving the room, away from his protests. "Okay, talk to me. What's going on?" Her eyebrows were furrowed as she looked at the screen, one arm crossed.
"I talked to Lauren and she said they're letting her come out."
"Okay...that's good right?"
"No! I mean, yeah...but they're setting her up with someone so she can come out. And like, I'm happy for her but like...they're putting her in a fake relationship to come out but I'm actually in a relationship and have to hide and stay in the closet." Y/N sighed as she started to understand. I gave her a few seconds since she usually takes a bit to fully process everything when I unload like that.
"Oh, I get it." She nodded, biting the inside of her cheek.
"And, on top of that," I started again. "She said that since they're letting her come out they probably won't let me for a while because of the Camren thing." I felt fresh tears pour out of my eyes as I vented. "I just want to be free from this shit, Y/N. I'm sick of having to pretend that I'm single or having to take pictures with random guys so I look straight. It's annoying and like...I know there's nothing wrong with liking women, but having to hide makes me feel like there is. Like I can't help but be ashamed when people call me out for something I do or say because I know I should be hiding it but I can't always do that." I took a deep shaky breath and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. I know I probably looked absolutely disgusting right now, and normally, I'd be embarrassed. But Y/N was looking at me with such a soft and loving expression that I didn't feel anything but love and gratitude for her. I had just admitted something that I didn't even fully realize myself until it came out of my mouth.
"Look," Y/N took a deep breath. "I've never been through what you're going through. Not in the industry, anyway. But I still feel that way sometimes. I'm proud to be gay but I've experienced some shit that makes me wanna hide from all of it, ya know? The best you can do is remind yourself that, despite what these people around you say, in the end, it's your life. And it's normal to feel some internalized homophobia to some degree. We're literally raised to think there's only one way to love. So don't beat yourself up too much, kay?"
I smiled at her, wiping my eyes again. "I love you." I told her.
"I love you too." She blew me an exaggerated kiss which made me laugh. "There's that laugh." She smiled at me, showing her teeth. That was my favorite smile of hers. "Hey, do you remember the interlude track I had?"
"Yeah. What about it?"
"Well I added something to it."
"...can I hear it?"
"Yeah," she chuckled. "Lemme try and grab my laptop without Jared cussing me out." She quickly went into the studio and grabbed her laptop from the small table and left just as quickly. Jared's protests could he heard and Y/N gave me a slightly alarmed look at his words. "Anyways..." She sat down on the floor outside the studio and opened her MacBook with one hand, the other holding the phone. "Okay...ready?"
"Ready."
She hit play and started chewing her thumbnail as she looked at me to see my reaction. As soon as the audio started, I let out a soft gasp, my mind going back to the conversation we had in LA before our album came out.
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Y/N's head was in my lap as I played with her hair. She had a horrible migraine and her face was extremely pale. "My God..." I muttered at her sickly appearance. "Did you drink a lot of tequila? Is that was it was?"
"Yeah." She mumbled, not opening her eyes.
"You wanna listen to 'interlude' while we sit here?" I asked her. It was our favorite track so far from her new album and we both had been listening to it daily.
"Yeah."
"Then, put it on." I said, maybe a little more aggressive than I needed to, but Y/N is a bitch when she's hungover and that, in turn, means I am bitch when Y/N is hungover.
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I smiled, remembering that clearly, though in the recording now, my voice was severely altered. Then, another recording played. This one from a time that was a little more tense.
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"Do you like remember the stuff that you do with me?" I asked her vulnerably.
"Yes." She answered, clearly annoyed that I even asked that.
"Okay, well, I don't know cause you're so high or like you get really drunk. So I don't know if you remember it." I voiced a fear that I had been having for a little while. Lauren had smoked weed but not nearly as much as Y/N did. And she also went out almost every night and got fairly intoxicated.
"Of course I do." She said, still somewhat annoyed.
"Okay."
"I cherish it." I smiled at her, pecking her cheek. "I'd...burn other memories just to make room for those ones."
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It cut off right before I had made fun of her for being so cheesy. It was easily the most cheesy yet poetic thing she had ever said and I couldn't help but laugh. Then, another audio recording started. This one from when the girls and I unexpectedly flew back to LA after being in Toronto, before going to South America.
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"That was four months ago," I said after we finished reminiscing on the last time we were in Inglewood. "That we were right here and I met you. That's not possible." Y/N and I had taken a short drive here, feeling nostalgic of our first meeting. "Like you just got my initials tattoo'd on you."
"Yeah." She smiled, grabbing my hand as we walked by the place where the iHeartRadio after party took place. I couldn't help but run my thumb over her new tattoo.
"I got your nickname tattoo'd on me." I said, more marveling aloud than anything. I hadn't told anyone about it yet. I mean, it had only been a day. I planned on telling my mom but I wanted to wait a little so it wasn't as fresh. She was still kinda pissed we showed up drunk off our asses last night.
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I remembered that night clearly because it was the last night we were together before our tour started. The sky was oddly clear for California and we could see all of the stars. We hadn't expected to go back to LA before going to South America but we had to take a quick detour. Not that I was complaining, since I got to spend more time with Y/N. After that clip, the audio from the interlude I knew started playing. I smiled as my laugh played over the lyrics. That was also a new addition.
She loves a girl so much
She wants her to steal her breath
She loves a girl so much
She wants her to steal her breath
(She loves a girl so much
She wants her to steal her breath)
And lastly, a clip that was a continuance of a different conversation started. This conversation was the same night as the last one when we were talking about being apart for longer than we had been before.
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"Because also," Y/N spoke, interlacing our fingers as I laid on her chest. "If the world was coming to an end...I don't wanna close my eyes without feeling like I lived."
"Same." I breathed out against her tattoo'd skin, smiling at her words. I had grown used to the cheesy, poetic, tragedy-like comments she made.
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I remember having asked Y/N if we'd be okay. I asked her if it was even worth it to attempt a relationship when our lives were gonna be so busy and we wouldn't have much time for each other. It was the first time I'd voiced that fear and her words comforted me more than she would ever know. "You were recording all that?"
"Yeah," she blushed. "I record you sometimes. That sounds creepy, but I like to record you when you don't realize it. That way you're so natural and I can look back later at it."
"Awww, Y/N!" I gushed, my tears from before were long forgotten. "You're so sweet."
"Stop," Her cheeks grew even redder at my words. I loved the effect I had on her. Only I could make her blush like that. "You're hurting my badass image."
"Right, your oh-so-real badass image." I rolled my eyes. "But, really. I love it."
"Yeah? I wasn't sure if you'd like your voice being on it."
"I mean, it's edited so much no one could tell it's me." I reasoned. "Just get ready for a lawsuit if Epic finds out."
"Yeah, whatever. I can easily say it was someone else." She waved me off, though I wasn't totally kidding. Technically speaking, Epic owned my voice and any works it was attached to. But, I want gonna tell them about this. "Oh, shit." Y/N looked to her right, at the studio door. "I hear Jared. He's getting pissed, I gotta go." She stood from the floor, brushing off her pants.
"Okay. I love you." I told her. "And thanks for listening and cheering me up with your cheesiness." I teased.
"Yeah, yeah, I love you too." She rolled her eyes before getting serious again. "But, remember what I said, okay? And you can call whenever and I'll answer."
"Okay." I smiled, blowing her a kiss before we both hung up. I sighed, leaning back against the wall behind the toilet, holding my phone against my chest. God, I loved her so much.
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(a/n): yo yo yo another day, another update. Im seriously so in love with this story you have NO idea. Also this is the tattoo thing I was talking about lmao
This is the 'banyan tree interlude' from mgk's album tickets to my downfall (in this universe it is not his album tho 👀). It's also named 'starry night interlude' in this story
And lastly, there will be more talk about the feelings Camila was talking about regarding feeling trapped and ashamed👀
Don't forget to vote
As always, thanks for reading ❤️