Playlist: Graceless, The National
Agnes, Glass Animals
It was getting absurd how much I was getting away with. Also, slightly insulting on both ends, first the fact that people didn't expect I was capable of doing something outside of the lines and second, insulting that I hadn't done this sooner seeing how easy it was. Before I never had any desire to see the world, content with my bubble. But now I was ruined, the bubble had popped and it was more beautiful than I thought outside. Memorized by how much larger than life the world was now that I could see the full scale of it. The comfort of my old life could never keep me content anymore. When did I lose my curiosity of what lies out there? One thing I knew for sure, I could never be happy again in my bubble knowing what I knew now.
I was running towards the corner, walking seemed indignant when I had so much to be excited for. I spotted Amo at the same corner as always, this time on his bike. I smiled still not believing he was real, one day he would vanish from me but today was not that day. I stopped right in front of him, collecting myself for a second. "Would you run away with me, if it came to that?" "Wherever you want to go, princess." His sterling eyes lit up with the playful invitation, with the possibilities and the absurdity of this. This was starting to feel like Neverland, where time stopped and no consequences existed. Stepping into a new world that had no connection to my life. "Take me to your favorite place in the whole city. A secret place worthy of this havoc we so openly invest in."
The city somehow looked even more beautiful on a bike. The lights were more intense, the buildings more immense that the sheer force of their presence was humbling. I'd never been this exposed, this intimate with the world than right now. Life had become exponentially more dangerous and that somehow made every moment more beautiful. I loved the energy of this city, the inspiration to reach higher, to not settle for your dreams but to reach for the ones even you thought were crazy. There was a buzz to keep going. I was surrounded by monuments that were once thought of as impossible. How much higher could I go? We were weaving through city streets and it looked as if the heavens would start pouring at any second. Pedestrians recklessly hurried across the street in anticipation to get home. Traffic was dense and honking was ample for no apparent reason in this standstill. I looked around Amo to see the red light in the distance. It didn't look as if we would make this one. Amo put down his visor on his helmet and started the bike again. Where he was going I had no idea. He slyly navigated the bike through the middle of the cars in waiting, cutting off a dozen cars to get to the front of the light. Was this even legal? Not realizing one of the dozen cars was a police car, we quickly turned our heads to the distinctive sharp sound of the sirens shrieking two short warning sounds. "Shit," Amo muttered, not seeming concerned about it but annoyed. I looked forward seeing the light had finally turned green. "Drive!" I screamed, hitting his shoulder. I couldn't see his face covered by his helmet but I could tell he was smiling as he revved the engine and accelerated to speeds unbeknownst to me. I squealed with approval and excitement. What were we doing?! I grabbed onto him tighter as gravity pulled me back. I squeezed my eyes shut as we sped up. Faster, faster. Finally as the speed evened out I opened my eyes, searching behind us but the bright blue and red lights were lost in the distance. "You did it!" I screamed when we were off the main road. "Do people really believe this act of yours, of being so innocent?" "You'd be surprised, but there's always a few that see through it."
New York was dirty, wet and dingy. Las Vegas was that too but as Las Vegas tried to hide these things with fluorescent lights and flashing distractions, New York owned it. There was no escaping the fact that it was hard here, the concrete, the homelessness, the stench of trash strewn about, but somehow there was a raw beauty to it that shone through it all. Hope mangled in the disarray of destruction. I couldn't help the growing tenderness I felt toward these streets. I never paid attention when Amo was driving, too busy observing the quickly passing sights. My surroundings took me out of my head. Amo swerved off from the street and headed down a one way lane I hadn't even noticed nor would I classify it as a road. He dodged the cement blocks that warned to not enter. The path forward was dark, I looked behind me at the retreating lights. Off the road we arrived at a dirt field, still in hearing distance of the roaring sounds of traffic. I really shouldn't be surprised that he brought me to a dirt field again. I needed to adjust my expectations. He took his helmet off and then helped me with mine, throwing it to the side when he got it off. "Come," he started walking out into the night, heading in the direction of the cars. I followed him as we started walking down a hill, the traffic getting louder. We came to a cement wall on one side of me and two steps forward a drop off. I carefully looked over the edge to see a vertical drop down into the river far below. Well I guess this could very well be the end of me and I didn't have anybody to blame for the stupidity in my death except myself. Amo, thankfully, did not seem in his murderous mood today because he was busy slipping inside the steel bars of the cement foundation that held the bridge up. He slowly disappeared into the darkness. "Amo?" "It's not far down, I'll catch you if you slip," I looked up, feeling moisture accumulate in the air. This isn't real, there's nothing to lose. I turned around and carefully found my footing, descending into darkness, into the unknown. Once the outside light was gone I could make out the interior of this place. The loud traffic was muffled down here, a cold draft of wetness coming from somewhere. Amo turned and kept walking at a leisurely pace but fast enough that I feared losing him down here. Ducking under low standing beams and climbing over debris, Amo really out did himself this time. Lights would shine through once in a while then disappear behind a structure. In the light, old construction equipment came into view, littering the area with bottles of sodas and crushed beer cans. Amo looked behind him when I was taking too long looking at everything. The harsh light reflected off half his face, reminding me of the first night I met him. I understood now why he was so appealing to my curiosity, it wasn't the obscurity that attracted me to him rather the invitation to be someone else for a change. "I'm coming," I said hollowly. "I never doubt that, I just worry you'll lose your way here." What was that supposed to mean? He turned around and continued until he finally stopped ahead of me and I crouched under the last beam. I walked curiously up to him, the way he was staring out into the distance left him with a serene look on his face. A strange look for him considering his usual tension. I understood what provoked that look when I stood next to him, the view that greeted me left me lost for words. Looking out over the river the whole city was on display for us, like it was lit up just for us, just for tonight, just for this magical moment. The river was illuminated with a thousand reflections from the city. When I could take my eyes away from the horizon I looked down below my feet, following the long drop into the water, my stomach clenched. Nothing stood between me and stepping straight off the descent. I looked up instead, deciding to focus on the beauty because nothing came close to this view of the city from up here. Clear and unobstructed. Beautiful and dangerous, kind of like Amo. Attracting, luring yet intimidating and inclusive to those who looked in from the outside. Not realizing Amo had left in my gawking state, his figure scared me as he came out of the shadows...with a golf club? I frowned at the many scenarios I found myself in where he could easily off me. He motioned for me to move, I looked down realizing I was standing on a square of fake green turf. I stepped to the side and he brought out a small white ball and put it in the middle of the square, confidently getting into position then swinging back to shoot the small ball straight out into the night. Reflecting for a millisecond against the backdrop of lights then plopping into the vast river. "You play golf?" was all I could say. "Don't sound so mortified by it, it's a beautiful sport, it teaches you valuable lessons," he was looking down at the club, testing its weight. "Like how to be a country club snob?" I mused. "Among other things." He hit three more shots, whistling when the last one went further than the others. "Can I try? -No wait, where do the golf balls go?" He smiled, seeming arrogant in his reply, "they're biodegradable, do I get points for that?" I tried not to smile at that but my face became flustered. After a few rounds of concentrating, hitting one or two good shots, I was going downhill fast. He made it look annoyingly effortless. Frustration was building up in my chest when I couldn't even hit the ball now. Each empty swing left me feeling embarrassed and annoyed. "You need to know when to stop, recognize when you're wasting more energy than you're getting in return." Amo came up from behind me, wrapping his arms around me so that he could grasp the club. I stilled in confusion. Panic rose in my chest. His already infiltrating presence was now caging me in. Overwhelming me but luring me in. Too much but all the while not enough. My breathing became shallow but I tried to hide that fact. His voice was now so close that it became all I could focus on. "Golf teaches you that you can't go far with sheer force. You need to have the right stance, the right timing, concentrate on your objective, be smart, tactful rather than recklessly aggressive. Then when everything is lined up perfectly, it's quiet and you're in control...go in for the kill." His voice lost all melodious at the end and turned into a sharp sneer. I didn't have time to react as the club in my hand was being guided through the air, gracefully and effectively picking up the ball so that it went soaring through the night sky. I stepped out of his grasp after a moment, my mind was a bewildered mess. I frowned, he smiled at me seemingly understanding his effect on me. He went back into the dark and came back with some drinks. Amo sat down on one of the white chairs that looked like it had done its time in the Hudson river. "What? Do you have a whole apartment down here?" I tried to joke. "Just the essentials, I won't lie though, at one point I had seriously thought about moving in, sometimes this place felt like the closest thing to home, when I wanted to get away from it all.'' For being such a pretentious person in everything he wore and the places he dinned, he still sought out the worst parts of this city. Feeling the most at home when he was surrounded by the worst. I saw what he meant with this place though, it felt like a safe sanctuary in a loud, busy city.
"So what is this place?" "I found it when I was younger, searching for trouble as always. From what I heard it was meant to be a multi level bridge, many events pursued and this place was abandoned, in turn, mine. Been coming here ever since." I tried to imagine what it would be like to have this city as your playground. I sat down finding an off brand soda in the cooler. Sitting down on the adjacent chair looking out, the heavens did come through and let down an angry downpour that had the river muddled with raindrops. The sound was loud but the little alcove we found ourselves in was quiet, echoing our voices. Cooler air blew through the steel openings. Amo gave me a bright yellow construction jacket to keep warm, I looked at it weirdly but didn't ask questions about it. "It kind of feels like we're a newly engaged couple, just moving to the city, you know? All doe-eyed and optimistic about the relationship, about the move even though we got a crappy apartment... that leaks," I said with a pointed glare to the water slowly trickling into a concerningly larger and larger puddle. "Hell with this view this place is prime New York real estate. It's a great apartment, stop shitting on it." I shrugged, "equipped with a top notch golf simulator too." Amos' phone beeped again but he seemed intent on ignoring it. Still looking out to the view, not being disturbed. I was very well aware of it, finding the situation unlike him. "How did your date go?'' I asked in the silence, regarding our last conversation we had on the phone. He still didn't answer. "Did she know how to use all her utensils? I mean I think that's a very impressive trait, a great attribute to have. Your kids will be underwhelmed eating cheerios from a spoon. I mean I carry around a bamboo spork that's like tree utensils in one-" "I'm not seeing Loretta anymore, it has been decided, I'm marrying Angelica," he cut me off. "Oh, what is she like?" I asked, my voice a bit distant. But I somehow knew the answer to my own question because I had a perfect image of her in my mind. Having all the features I felt I was lacking in. Tall, stoic, unaffected by others, they would look like a royal couple together, ascending the throne with a gleaming presence. "I don't know, haven't met her," he said, ruining my fairytale image with the bland tone he said it with. "You haven't met her? How do you know you want to marry her if you haven't even met her?!" "I will marry her either way so there's no use in wasting time thinking about it." I gave him a horrified look. "I know, your opinions are numerous and impossible to keep to yourself but with this you cannot understand. This is not part of your world or your life. This is something that even goes beyond me so save the lecture." "No, I understand perfectly more than anyone probably. You were right that night at the gym, I don't know how to be anything but obedient with my family. I mean I try but I'm stuck in their view of who I was. And you, that's what you're doing, putting down your own personal needs in the means of others expectation and trust me I know that better than anyone! I try to be true to myself but I can't, I'm stuck and for once I thought you were better than that. I thought you were actually free to choose, free to be yourself." My long winded sentence ended and I was expecting the worst. A burst of rage accompanied by cursing at me that I didn't know what I was talking about and to stay out of his business. Instead I saw something serious flicker on his face. Getting out of his chair looking out again to the view and then facing me. "You talk like you know me, you only know a fraction of my life and that tiny part has nothing to do with the rest of it. I'm bound by my family not by expectations but by something bigger. The things I do affects everybody around me, people I'm meant to protect and sometimes I need to be mature enough to know that my own desires are inconsequential to the bigger picture. I told you, these streets own me and at the end of the day that's what is true." "But you're the king of those streets and a king makes his own rules!" "The rules must abide with the kingdom or I will lose everything, lead a revolt against me." "That's bullshit Amo and you know it!" I stood up in my rage. "Nobody should make you marry someone you don't know!" I never cursed out loud but it came out effortless in my anger. Anger about what? This wasn't my life but still it made me furious that he was accepting this. He smiled covertly, "I'll do anything to get the throne and this is part of it." "You don't have to oblige by others stupid ideas to get there! A true king knows his birthright no matter what." "I'm not going to defend my choices to you. I've come to terms with this a long time ago and so should you." "I'm disappointed in you." "Your always disappointed with me." "No I'm not. Im disappointed that you settle for so much less than what you can be. I mean, really Amo, you are amazing and that's hard for me to say but really you can be so much more than this!" We were standing so close but he never felt more distant from me. His reply was cold, "I'm sincere of your reaction for me but I know this is something I need to do. Maybe you should concentrate less on others life choices and more about your own questionable decisions. You need to stop wasting your time with me. Or else you're just going to continue to live in disappointed. Stop hoping I will become anything else. You should be investing your time with someone you're actually going places with, someone you can reminisce about the past. All I will be then is a stupid mistake you made, too shameful to share it with anybody. All these moments will be lost and you'll never regain lost time. Don't waste anymore with me, find someone a little less fucked up." I looked to the side, pursing my lips so I didn't go into another heated tangent. "Tell me the truth-" "-do you really want the truth or do you want more lies? Because there is very little in this space that is true." "I don't want the lies," I seethed, "I want the freedom that lies within this." "Then we'll be condemned to live in oblivion. Get used to it. I'm getting married and you'll go back home to be the good daughter your family expects. Soon you'll forget about any of this and instead focus on the things that actually matter to you." "But you matter to me," which surprised me because it felt true to my lips. Amo turned back to the view. "We should get going, the rain is passing."
Amo
Margaret followed me in silence to the parking lot. Questions were left in that silence. Doubt came into places where I couldn't afford to have it. Walking up to the bike Margaret looked at it carefully. "Is this the same bike you had at the race?" I looked back at her offended, "no they're completely different in every way possible." "They look the same," she said matter of factly. "Are you trying to piss me off because you're doing an exceedingly good job at it." "Can I drive?" she asked curious, she seemed to have surprised herself with the request. I stiffened. No. Absolutely not. "I'm a good driver I swear, I've only had two minor accidents and failed my driving exam but besides that I'm very good," she smiled sweetly to undue my horror of what she just said.
This was my first bike, the one I've assembled and dismembered a hundred times over to the point I knew every gear, replaced probably every part of it down to the screws. I remember distinctly the first time driving a bike, Matteo had given me the permission when I was young, out of view of any parents. The joy that came afterwards left me addicted, counting down the days to buy my very own bike despite it being years later. The joy of seeing someone else experience the first time driving the bike that I had saved up for was weirdly bringing back the same feelings from years ago. My fear slowly translated into enjoyment of seeing her excitement, of her building confidence with it. After driving in a circle with me yelling instructions she finally proclaimed, "I got this, this is much easier than driving a car!" Let's pray that was true.
"Keep going straight, down this road. Now turn right here." She followed my directions and it was only when we were getting onto the busier street that she asked, "Amo, where are we going?" I chuckled behind her, completely relaxed as my own anxiousness had gone to her. Once she got the hang of it I trusted her. "You're the one driving, you tell me." "I don't like highways!" "Well that's too bad because you just turned back onto the Brooklyn bridge." "Amo!" she screamed in dread but I could hear she was getting more excited about it. We were by far the slowest vehicle on this road but I wasn't complaining. The traffic was miraculously not horrendous at this hour. All that was left to watch was the passing sights that still took hold of me no matter how many times I'd driven this route. No matter how many times I drove back into the city it reminded me of my humble place. There was always more to achieve. Margaret relaxed enough to look up at the high structure of the bridge. The oncoming city welcomed us gallantly. It always felt different when you were on a bike rather than a car. On a bike you were merging into the city with no protection, no barrier, you were one with the skylines.
As I took off her helmet in the rain it took me a moment to discern if she was crying or if the rain was falling on her face. "That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with me." "I had to show you the city, the real way." The sidewalks were deserted of people. The city was the quietest I had ever seen it. "I've never seen rain like this," Margaret said looking out. We'd made it back to the city without being caught in the second onslaught. A glint came to her eyes and she stepped out into the downpour of rain, staring up at the sky as if to conceive where the source of it was coming from. She acted like a refined shy woman but that was one of the greatest facade I had ever witnessed, even more astonishing was the fact it vanished when she was with me. I could never discern her emotion, her reaction, never knowing what would happen next. Keeping me holding onto moments in anticipation. It drove me crazy. She looked over at me, inviting me in her chaos. I crossed my arms, frowning in the shelter of the building's roof. She rolled her eyes at me and committed to a dance sequence. Stepping carefully on the wet concrete as if she could fracture it. Going through the steps so seriously as if she was performing at a grand hall, her face concentrating, biting her lip to draw into her memory. Her movements were liquid but expressed in slow motion out in the rain. She was in another world. Humming a soft melody that went over my head. Why did she allow me to see her like this? Of all people I was the one person people put up walls around. That left only a handful of people I could be myself with, including my family and close friends. People tried to stay stoic to my judgmental stare. With Margaret she tried to hide herself from strangers but not to me. Letting me see parts of her that she held as a secret. I stayed as an observer to her performance, only allowing myself to wonder of the places she went. She ended in a dramatic pose, finally allowing herself to smile at the end. She looked around herself, as if expecting an audience to come to life. Looking pleased with herself she walked back up to me. "Promise me, if we never see each other again. Remember me like this, forget all the rest." I couldn't promise her that. "You're going to get hypothermia." I said instead, watching as the rain steadily dripped from the ends of her hair. "You don't sound very concerned about that." "Trust me, it would be an inconvenience if you died, you have no idea how hard it is to dispose of bodies in a city that is ninety percent cement." She scrunched up her face at my reply. "Just when I think you... are you joking?" "Do you want the truth?" "No. No, I don't. Where are we?" She asked, looking around. "My new home."
To be continued....