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what's the point of pain?
we need the sensation of pain to let us know when our bodies need extra care. it's an important signal. when we sense pain, we pay attention to our bodies and can take steps to fix what hurts. pain also may prevent us from injuring a body part even more.
no. no. what is the point of pain?
minho was breaking apart in chans arms, with nobody to stop him from cracking all the months before, minho just fell as soon as someone was there to catch him.
chans arms were warm, strong and they held minho perfectly in place while he cried his heart out. his mind kept yelling at him to pull himself together, but all the pain that had been burying deep inside of him for the past months finally found a way to break out - in chans arms in the studio.
"it's okay, minho", chan whispered every now and then, his fingers swirling little circles on minhos back to calm him. "it's all going to be okay".
it took a few minutes until minho was finally able to catch his breath. his sobbing had stopped after a while too, only little tears rolled down his cheek and stained chans shirt. he would have to change it later, minho thought, but his limbs were too weak to move away, and chan didn't seem to mind his soaked-in-tears-shoulder by now.
"I-", after finally being able to shift back a little, minho anxiously wiped away his tears and wiggled out of chains arms. he immediately felt a little colder. "- 'm sorry".
chan only shook his head, hyunjin was still sitting in front of minho, worriedly looking at the older. "let's get up from the floor first, alright?", he simply said and minhos chest clenched a little at the thought of how much he must've bothered the leader. all he was supposed to do was sing, like all idols did, and he couldn't even do that. how many more failures would he end up showing of himself?
before minho was able to continue to drown in his thoughts though, chan reached forward and grabbed minhos arm so abruptly that minho almost got pushed over. chan immediately showed his sheepish (and very comforting) leader smile - the smile with one side of his mouth being a little higher, but his eyebrows still kind of furrowed while his eyes sparkled a little. minho could get lost in that expression anytime.
"let me get you up", chan clarified at minhos slightly confused face.
"I can walk", the younger immediately shot back, pushed himself up from the ground and inhaled, his knees wobbled a little. the room was completely silent, then he exhaled, a sharp pain shot through his legs and minho immediately fell forward again, to his horror right into hyunjins arms, who caught him with ease.
"whoa", hyunjin breathed out and minho felt himself blushing at the fact that he collapsed for the second time now. he paused for a second, the dizziness sweeping over him and making him see tiny black dots for a moment before he could finally steady himself and get, with the help from hyunjin and chan, on his knees.
he was on the verge of fainting, minho was sure of that. but instead of admitting that it was because he hadn't let a solid meal stay inside of him for the past few weeks, that he was overworked and anxious twenty four seven and maybe extremely dehydrated from all the purging, minho blamed his throbbing head and blacking vision on the panic attack.
the two boys sat him down on the comfortable studio couch, on which chan had probably slept a couple of times, considering that some of his nightly belongings still laid on the table next to it. minho plopped down, immediately curling into himself as he suddenly felt a wave of sickness overcome him. he wasn't about to throw up now too, was he?
"you're super pale", chan stated and reached his hand forward to touch minhos forehead. "and extremely hot".
"I know I'm hot, hyung", minho jokingly answered, even though his throat tightened with every word spoken. chan only rolled his eyes, though he seemed ever so slightly relieved. "you don't need to tell me that again".
after a short period of silence, hyunjin spoke up again. his tone was quiet, careful.
"are you okay?".
another wave of sickness overcame him and minho had to swallow down the upcoming puke as soon as he tasted it. he quickly lowered his head and breathed out shakily, his eyes started to water again from the stinging in his throat.
what the hell is happening to me?
"I'll get him some water and food", chan whispered to hyunjin and was about to leave the room when minho quickly intervened, snapping back to attention at that.
"n.. no", he said, through clenched teeth. "no food, only water".
at this moment, minho remembered the article he once red for a short moment. people dying from their eating disorders, even though all they had to do was eat. he thought he was different from them, less sick. looking at it now, he wasn't that different, after all.
minho was panting at that point. "no food", he repeated, his voice small but determined. "please".
after nobody answered and silence filled the room, minho looked up, straight into chans face. despite his vision being slightly blurry, he immediately saw that chan was frowning, no leader smile, his eyebrows furrowed as if he was thinking about something.
and then, after a second, it seemed like something in him clicked, as if he found the answer he was looking for, and minho wished he could disappear.
"why?".
minho's fingers curled, he knew why. he was hungry, he was in pain, he was starving, but he couldn't eat. he wanted to be thin, thin enough so the media would write articles about his weight loss, thin enough so fans would write worried comments and tell him to eat more, thin enough so the people around him could see that something was wrong. he wanted to look so very sick from the outside that there was no question that he was sick on the inside, too.
as long as he didn't look sick on the outside, they weren't allowed to know.
they can't know. he kept telling himself. they can't know, they can't know, and so, they didn't.
minho only shook his head.
chan sighed and shut his eyes for a quick moment of concentration before opening them again, this time seeming even calmer than before.
minho almost laughed. imagine being rational in stressful situations. couldn't be minho.
"alright", chan finally said, taking the chair on the right to him and sitting in front of minho. "I think we need to talk. hyunjin, bring minho a glass of water and a chocolate bar".
there was something else sparkling in chans eyes.
maybe he wasn't that clueless after all.
-
minho completely stopped crying. instead, he hid in his clothes and stared off into space.
the glass of water was carefully placed in his hands by hyunjin, the chocolate bar remained next to the boy, untouched. minho didn't even dare to look at it.
bang chan sat in front of him now, crouching down a little to be on the same level as minho. minho only saw himself in the reflection of his phone for a split second, but seeing the way chan looked at him told him already that he must've looked tragic;
the usually cold and reserved main dancer, who put all his energy in being the backbone of the team, the sarcastic joker and second oldest of them all, sat on the couch as if he was a fawn waiting for his mother. though he stopped crying, the proof was still written all over his face. bloodshot eyes, (wether it be from purging or crying), dried tear traces and chewed open, slightly bloody lips. he was a mess, and for the first time in a while, he felt fragile. breakable.
it was strange, all he wanted was to be treated like something valuable, something precious and fragile. now that he got it, did it feel like success?
that was just what he wanted.
"minho", chan said, his voice low and careful, as if he was a pitch too loud, minho would run away. "you need to talk to us".
it took a moment, but minho only answered with a shrug, sloppily leaning further away and into the couch. what was there to say? there was nothing that could help now.
"look, I know you don't like to talk about your feelings a lot", great realisation, "but it's okay to break sometimes, you know?".
minho couldn't help but crack a bitter smile. "no, it's not", he answered drily, his voice still slightly hoarse.
next to him, hyunjin carefully placed a hand on minhos knee, who shuddered in response. less to his liking though, hyunjin didn't notice and just left his hand there while talking.
"you're-", hyunjin paused for a moment, trying to organise his thoughts and put them into the right order. "different lately".
minho took a deep breath at that, ready to tell him he was just the same as he always was, but the moment he looked into chans eyes, something in him stopped. his eyes looked straight into him and somehow they told minho that chan knew. minhos eyes fluttered a little and for the first time in a while, minho considered telling him what was going on.
in a way, the fact that he was fragile and vulnerable around chan right now, was comforting. because right now, he felt like a child. a helpless, terrified child, that for the first time in a while had someone to look after him. a stark contract from the boy that barely ever wanted to be taken care of by anyone.
so instead, he lowered his eyes again and fiddled with his fingers. "I'm sorry".
"you always say sorry for the most stupid things", chan answered with all seriousness. "you have nothing to be sorry for".
"I am crashing the recordings right now though", minho answered on that and felt his chest tighten with embarrassment as he remembered his cracking voice. an idol who couldn't sing? embarrassing.
"happens to the best of us", hyunjin replied, a comforting smile on his face and minho immediately felt like he wanted to barf. he is lying to you, the little voice in his head said and minho couldn't help but agree.
"minho, do you remember when jisung took time off because of his anxiety?", chan suddenly asked and minhos head popped up at the memory.
it was truly a dark time for all of them. minho could recall all the times jisung had cried before performances, had shaken violently before going out and had had panic attacks before fan meetings. they got so bad that he ended up losing weight because the anxiety made his stomach hurt so bad he wasn't able to eat. and the worst part was, all they could do was watch him crumble under the pressure until he finally got the help he needed.
minho hesitantly nodded.
"and do you remember when both changbin and felix got hospitalised for overworking themselves? felix fainted in the dance practice room and changbin couldn't get up after falling down while shooting a music video".
why was chan telling him all this? of course he remembered, he remembered all the hardships stray kids went through. from jeongin suffering from homesickness to seungmin losing all his confidence every once in a while. minho had seen it all, seen all of them cry and it had broken his heart each and every time.
"you know, we are a team, minho", chan finally continued after a while of letting minho think to himself. "and teams are supposed to be there for each other whenever we need it".
minho took a sip of his water, his stomach rumbled dangerously. "why are you telling me this?".
chan smiled, a little sadly. "it's okay to break sometimes", he answered the question and suddenly minho felt like crying again. helplessly, he felt his throat get thick with sorrow and he quickly lowered his eyes to avoid chans oh so caring ones, which weirdly had the power to hypnotise everyone into loving him.
"and you're allowed to break, too. we will be by your side to help you fix yourself".
chans words were sweet like honey, like he was telling minho a fairytale he wanted to believe so badly. minho wanted to just hold onto that moment forever, that sweet feeling of being taken care of, of being cared for.
"hey", hyunjin finally removed his hand, leaving minhos knee a little colder than it was before. "you'd talk to us if something was wrong, right?".
was minho any different from the others? he wasn't fragile like felix was and he didn't work as hard as changbin did. what gave him the right to be so... weak? he wasn't supposed to break.
something inside minho felt like it was about to burst. "I will", minho whispered back, whispered because talking didn't feel right while he lied into their faces like that.
chan smiled and minhos heart ached. this hurt.
-
hyunjin was good at dieting.
and minho was obviously spiralling.
seeing hyunjin quickly losing the weight he wanted to made minho incredibly jealous. and it wasn't even just that - the fact that hyunjin was the perfect example of how minho wanted to actually eat like (but couldn't) was even more infuriating.
it was weird. hyunjin managed to only eat healthy foods or skip meals completely. sometimes, minho would catch him drink energy drinks for every meal of the day and then have some chicken breast for dinner. he observed every single thing he saw hyunjin eat and pretty quickly came to the solid conclusion that hyunjins eating was disordered at the moment. he ate like the textbook anorexic and minho was jealous of it. should he be this upset?
it didn't matter, he just was.
minho was about to enter his room after having his first meal, without purging it, in a while. chan had made kimchi with udon noodles, a meal minho was weak for, but a bitch to purge since chan accidentally made it spicier than it should've been. minho decided to leave it be for the day, until he heard voices coming from the kitchen.
"are you alright?", it was jisung. minho stopped in his tracks and hid behind the door to listen.
hyunjin seemed like he just got thrown out of his thoughts, a little perplexed he answered, "uh, yes. why?".
"I don't know, you just kind of worry us all with your eating lately. you've lost too much weight in too little time. we don't want you to develop an eating disorder".
and finally, something in minho bursted. especially when hyunjin quickly opened up about that, telling jisung he had been struggling a little with how he looked like lately, but would stop when he hit the weight he wanted to hit. and when jisung told him he didn't need to lose any weight because he was perfect, minho couldn't help but get bitter.
the food in his stomach suddenly didn't feel like it belonged there, and minho changed his plan to go to the bedroom and instead headed for the bathroom.
he was furious. irritated. he was so downright mad that he felt bitter tears dwell up in his eyes as he locked the door behind him and slowly walked up to the toilet, his hands shaking a little.
his head was spinning. why was minho getting so worked up over this?
maybe because it took jisung exactly a week to figure out something was wrong with hyunjin. it took a week for him to notice his eating pattern, to notice his weight loss and start to be concerned for him. a week.
was minho still too fat? too fat for someone to notice? he was pissed, so incredibly pissed at hyunjin for being better than him, so irritated by jisung for not noticing him still, after months of suffering, months of slowly falling apart while being in the same house as seven other members, who still didn't have a clue what was going on with him.
minho thought back to chans words. we are a team, minho. and scoffed.
what a fucking liar.
the noodles and kimchi left minhos throat after only two shoves into his throat with two fingers, leaving behind burns that made minho cough until he could barely breathe.
minho entered his room just a few minutes after that, his teeth aching a little like they normally did. that was easy to ignore, much easier than his hair that slowly started to thin, no matter how much conditioner he used or how carefully he brushed them, it was undeniable that his hair started falling out. or that his fingernails started to get an ugly yellow tint, just like his skin. it was starting to get real, real ugly for minho.
he expected to be alone in his room, so he could grab the deodorant and spray it on himself until the smell of vomit was covered.
instead, he found jisung, his back was turned towards minho, but as soon as he heard the crack on the floor, jisung turned around, wide-eyed and mouth open, and something in jisungs face looked different, as if he just saw something he wasn't meant to see.
and then, minho saw it. the book in jisungs hand. his diary.
immediately, minho stepped forward and snatched the book out of jisungs fingers, who stumbled back a little. his stomach dropped down to his toes. "what the fuck are you doing?!", minho snapped, already defensive. deep down he knew he wasn't actually being intimidating, his voice was far too small and hoarse from the purging, but the anger just kept bubbling up.
in response, he expected jisung to snap back at him. or at least have his brows furrowed or comment something feisty. instead, he just stood there, wide eyes glued on the book, which was shaking in the same pace as minhos hands were.
he would've been able to handle anger or yelling, but the way jisung looked at him... minho hated it. it was much, much worse than anger.
pity. there was pity in jisungs eyes.
"minho...", jisungs whispered, his name leaving his mouth like a breath. "shit, minho...", he repeated and this time he sounded so caring, so warm and worried that it made minho even angrier.
he wasn't supposed to find out like this. he was supposed to find out though seeing it, not reading it in his fucking diary.
almost instinctively minho raised his voice. "what the fuck were you doing with this?!", he pointed at his diary. "that's none of your business!".
jisungs hunched a little. "I-I wasn't-", he started to panic. "I wasn't trying to be nosy or anything I just-".
"stop", minho interrupted and he almost surprised himself by his own voice. he has never heard himself this heated before.
jisung lifted his hands, helpless. minho almost felt bad. "I swear, I was just searching for something else and found it, I didn't think much of it so-", he sounded so defensive, minhos head started spinning again, the anger switching to fear, to frustration, to sadness and then back to fear. jisung read his diary.
"fuck off, jisung!", minho finally yelled and only now noticed how he wrapped his arms protectively around himself, the diary still in his hands. his chest rose and fell quicker than usual. was he hyperventilating? he was so terrified he couldn't even tell.
"I'm sorry", jisung was trembling.
tears dwelled up in minhos eyes. the air was thick with emotions, the room felt smaller than usual and minho didn't know how long he could stay in this room until he would break down again, just like he did in the studio.
so instead of staying, he turned around on his heels, opened the diary, ripped out the pages and stormed out of the room back into the bathroom. the door locked behind him with a click and as soon as minho felt the presence of nobody around him, he slid down the door, let the ripped out pages fall next to him and buried his face in his hands.
his lip wobbled a little, but he wasn't crying, because a tiny, selfish part inside of him was glad. he was still terrified and mad, but glad that finally someone fully knew he was slowly but steadily falling apart. breaking.
but the other part in him remembered hyunjin - remembered that it took a week for someone to notice him and minho started to wonder if anyone would've ever noticed if his voice didn't break or his diary hadn't been written. now, knowing that jisung had finally actually read that he was, kind of, fucked up lately, minho felt helplessly exposed.
minho sighed, the paper next to him was all crumbled, about to be thrown into the toilet, the words washed away forever. he wished he could do the same with his feelings.
minho was so sick of being sad.
-
something undeniably shifted after that and minho wasn't exactly sure what to do.
his habits didn't change, even another three weeks after jisung had found out his secret, minho didn't put any effort into "getting better" at all. he kept working out, restricting, binging, purging and losing weight little by little.
in a way, it felt like jisung was monitoring him. minho felt his eyes on him at every dinner, saw his concerned look whenever he excused himself to the bathroom right after it, but there was still so much irritation inside of him, that minho simply didn't find the time to care. there was too much going on and the eating disorder (which he still didn't admit to having) was pretty much perfect to distract him from all of it. it distracted him from work, from dance, from the never ending pressure and after all, he tried to use it to distract himself from jisung now, too.
and still, at night he laid awake, when all the thoughts finally caught up to him and there was nothing to distract himself with, because what if jisung exposed him to all the others? at the moment, it looked like jisung still felt guilty enough to keep minho's secret, but what if he ended up telling them? that fear always managed to twist minhos gut. then the usual thoughts crept in, jealousy, the guilt of even being jealous, the reminder of how he looked in the mirror and when the clock finally hit 4 am, he wondered if it was still even worth it to get up in the morning.
of course, minho always got up. but he started to wonder if, at that point, dying was the easier way out of this.
"hyunjin", minho whispered and hyunjins head popped up behind the phone. minho, changbin and hyunjin sat on the couch together in the dorm, changbin was sleeping in the middle of the couch. "what are you doing?".
hyunjin turned his phone around and showed his screen to minho. "instagram", he simply answered. "you?".
minho sighed and leaned back on the couch, throwing his head back. "I'm super bored", he said, quietly enough so changbin wouldn't wake up. "do you have a schedule for today?".
at that, hyunjins lips curled into a smile and he sat up straight. "nope!", he beamed and pocketed his phone. "let's go out!".
minho raised his eyebrows, a little surprised. they haven't went out in a while, only the two together. the last time was probably two months before the comeback and hyunjin seemed to read his thoughts, because his smile turned into a grin as he eagerly got up, still careful enough to not wake changbin. "let's go eat in the restaurant we always used to go to".
though hyunjin mentioned eating, which was the last thing minho wanted to do, something inside minho felt warm. memories of their time together startled flooding back, times before minho got swallowed up by selfhatred and jealousy, times in which minho saw hyunjin as a member of the team, simply as a friend and nothing more or less than that.
floating in nostalgia, minho smiled. "sure, I'll pay".
they sat inside of their to-go-to restaurant, a cheap sushi place near the train station somewhere in seoul. the sun had already sat as they arrived there and the restaurant was fairly empty at this time, leaving the room they were in rather quiet.
a comfortable silence was wrapped around the boys and minho smiled a little to himself as he chewed a piece of fish. hyunjin seemed to be lost in thoughts too and minho started to look at his features as he picked up another piece of fish with his chopsticks. it felt like everything went back to normal for a while.
hyunjins hair was tied into a ponytail, single strands of hair loosely falling down next to his ears. his skin was naturally a little bit more reddish, which constantly made him look like he was blushing, his pouty lips complimented this very well. hyunjin was gorgeous and minho wondered how it would be like to be in his skin for a day.
"I missed this", hyunjin suddenly said, his eyes stared at the candle between them. "I missed us".
minho cocked an eyebrow at that and hyunjin slightly giggled. "it's just, you and I used to do this so often. but with the comeback and your workouts and what not, this kind of fell behind. I missed it".
minhos smile dropped. it was true, they didn't go out together, but not because of the comebacks and not because of his workouts, but because minho couldn't stand being alone with someone he was so incredibly jealous of. he felt like a nobody next to hyunjin, simply just presence made him feel bad sometimes. it wasn't hyunjins fault, none of what minho was feeling was his fault, but sometimes it was easier pretending it was.
"hyunjin", minho replied, a little hesitant. "do you... do you ever feel like you're not good enough?".
hyunjins eyes travelled away from the candle to minho. "what do you mean?".
"like", minho raised his hands, helplessly fidgeting with them while trying to find the right words. where was he even trying to go with this conversation? "just...everything. your singing, your dancing, your visuals", minho trialled off as he placed down the chopsticks next to him, adding a quiet. "probably not, considering that you're literally gorgeous".
hyunjin frowned. "I mean, sometimes. but then I remember the position I am in. if we weren't good enough, we wouldn't be idols in the first place, right?".
minho didn't answer, because god he hated it when someone was reasonable.
there was another period of silence between them until hyunjin spoke up again.
"I'm shootings pictures for a magazine tomorrow".
"cool", minho answered, very flatly. "have fun".
the smile came back on hyunjins face, his eyes looked as warm and minho had to look away. "thank you!", he said, not taking the hint. "wanna come with me?".
an unexpected scoff left minhos lips. "I'd love to", the sentence dripped out of his mouth like venom. "but I have better things to do than to look at the visual in our group".
"I-", hyunjins excitement quickly turned into confusion and minho had to bite his lip to keep himself from feeling bad at snapping at him. there he was sitting, with his big eyes and pouty lips, looking better than minho would ever look. if minho were him, he would brag with the magazine shooting too. "what's up with you now? I thought you would support me".
minho laughed, that kind of laugh without humor. his stupid brain started to think of jisung again and his blood started to boil as he remembered how he noticed hyunjin first.
maybe his mood swings were getting out of control over time, but he couldn't help it. the constant hunger played with his emotions so much, he didn't know which of them were real and which weren't.
"it's great that you think that, but I honestly don't care. everyone knows that's all you ever do is look pretty", and oh no, minho was definitely going overboard with this. "but you need to stop bragging with your beauty if there isn't any talent to show".
why, why was minho even saying this? he didn't mean any of this.
and minho saw it immediately; the hurt in hyunjins eyes. he definitely struck a nerve. "I'm not just a visual", he answered, voice small and seemingly about to break.
"sure", minho spat, mockingly. "that must be why you get all the modelling jobs and thumbnails in stray kids, right? because your talent can be seen even through pictures!".
he didn't mean this.
fuck, hyunjin, I don't mean any of this.
"minho", the hurt in hyunjins eyes vanished more and more the more minho spoke. "what the fuck is your problem? I am just a part of stray kids as you are".
"I don't have a problem", minho raised his hands in the air. he was getting so worked up over this. "I'm sorry if I offended you, I forgot you are untouchable, visual king, hyunjin", there was so much hate in minhos voice that minho couldn't help but laugh. his laugh was loud, raspy, and it echoed through the quiet restaurant room. he hated himself so much that he started to hate somebody else, and simply that thought was so bitterly funny to minho, that he just started to laugh - because if he didn't, he would've cried.
hyunjins fists balled and minho felt a lump in his throat. "you're such a-", hyunjin stopped himself, breathing in, containing himself and minho got even more mad.
"such a what?", he snarled, leaning forward a little. "asshole? bastard? you name it, hyunjin! tell me how much better you are than me!".
"you know what", hyunjin grabbed his bag and pulled out his wallet. "you fucking suck, lee minho. and I mean it".
no, you don't, minho felt himself break a little more inside. please, no you don't.
"and", hyunjin pulled 65 thousand won out of his wallet and threw it at minho, a few of the bank notes fell off the table and landed on the floor. "you're a bad fucking friend. I'll pay for this shit myself".
minhos face turned red, just like hyunjins, but minho wasn't entirely sure if it was because of anger or embarrassment.
hyunjin got up and minho stood up right after, stumbling a little when his vision suddenly blurred and grabbed the table to steady himself. hyunjin didn't seem to notice that.
"I'm gonna go", he said through clenched teeth and minho felt his heartbeat rise, felt his chest going up and down quicker than usual, panic raising it at an unnormal speed because fuck, no please, hyunjin you can't leave me alone now.
"I can't deal with your constant anger, minho. I hope you figure out what the fuck is the issue, but until you do", hyunjin swung the bag over his shoulder. "leave me the fuck alone", and with that he stormed out of the restaurant, leaving minho behind.
alone. he was completely alone.
minhos world crushed under his feet as he saw the door close behind hyunjin, his silhouette quickly becoming one with the darkness outside.
his chest tightened, his stomach twisted and minho pressed his hand in front of his mouth as he ran towards the bathroom.
he didn't even bother locking the door behind him, his sobs leaving his throat so suddenly, it shuddered his body so hardly that he fell onto the ground. there was nobody to catch him this time and his sobs quickly turned into yelling, into screaming and then melted into sloppy "I'm sorry's" until he didn't even have enough strength inside of him to breathe in anymore.
he brushed his hands through his hair, yelled one last time and when he looked down at his hands again, he saw a clump of hair between his fingers.
this was the proof. minho fell into pieces right then and there and he hunched over and hugged his knees until he remembered that he just ate sushi with hyunjin.
you suck. the voice told him. you're an awful friend.
can you purge while having a panic attack?
the answer was yes, you can.
-
-
-
oof, what a ride.
hey y'all, I hope you liked this chapter.
a new chapter got uploaded, that means I got my writing flow and pulled an all-nighter because somehow my brain cannot come up with pretty words while the sun is out.
oh well. btw I failed my driving test today LMAO let's hope I manage to do it in 2 weeks because I wanna fucking drive.
okay peace out amigos I'll go to sleep now.