Bangchan's POV
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November 21
2 years ago
I sat at the porch as she looked at me with a peculiar expression. One I hadn't seen on her face before. One that will be forever engraved in my mind as the expression that caused my world to crumble. One that was the catalyst and ending of it all.
She walked slowly towards me in her silky lavender bridesmaid dress. The simplistic material was one she wasn't her usual style, she complained about how basic it made her look all week, but I believe it suited her. She looked perfect.
She sat next to me, and bit her bottom lip. A nervous habit.
Morbidity lingered just above our heads. I looked at her, and she looked at me. A sigh escaped her glossed lips. "Dior called earlier, I got the internship, Chris.”
“lt's what you've always wanted.” I looked at her and gave her a small smile. “I'm proud of you.”
“Thank you.” A worried expression shadowed over her face. She joined me on the oil painted bench. The sight of her with illuminated stained-glass skyscrapers looming behind her was breathtaking. “But you… you know that accepting the internship means that I'm leaving to–”
“Barcelona? Yes, I know, we've talked about it a thousand times now.” I said lightheartedly, and she looked up at me. Then looked straight into the masses of people celebrating inside the wedding reception.
“So where does this leave us?” She asked, her voice low.
“Can't we just continue as we are? We could try, I know we'll be millions of miles apart and living in polar opposite time zones, but if we try hard enough, and talk to each other daily…well…" I began losing faith in myself the more I talked.
“We could try that.” She said, her gaze away from me, and she nervously held her arm. Another nervous habit. “But, what about our future?”
“Our future?” I looked at her. She still didn't bring herself to face me.
“What I mean, as hard as it is to say, is that… well… where are we headed with our relationship? It's a topic that we've always swept under the carpet, but now it's starting to show that we need to speak about it.”
She told me the cold, hard truth, and the truth hurt me. She looked so fragile, I wanted to hold her in my arms until her problems disappeared. But that wouldn't work this time, this time we had to face the problem head on.
“I was never ready for a commitment.” She continued. “We want totally different things. I want to travel the world and expand on my modelling career. And you want…"
“…to eventually find a cozy home in a cozy town and settle down with a family.”
“l want to have zero distractions, and I'm not too sure about marriage. And you want…"
“To have a family, kids running around the backyard, and a wife at my side.” I said and realized that at this rate a future together seemed impossible, and to pretend there was a chance was like a facade.
We were just too different.
“Do you see what I mean?” Renée asked.
“Unfortunately, yes. I see.” I sulked. “I want to experience all these with you, I want to be with you always, no matter the circumstance, and I know I cannot force you into that. I'll end up making you unhappy. And I desire more than anything for you to be happy.”
Renée looked up at me and drew in for a hug. She proceeded to hold unto me like her life depended on it. “But you make me so happy.” I sensed her sob tearlessly.
I hugged her just as tightly. “You make me happy too, more than you can ever imagine.”
“I really, really want to stay with you, but we both won't get what we want. And you're a sweet guy who deserves a girl just as sweet, so you can build a home. And I don't want to be the girl who stops you from getting that.”
“And I'd kill myself if I stopped you from travelling the world. I mean, look at you, the world deserves you, Renée, and it deserves you at your hundred percent. I don't want to be the guy who stops you from doing that.”
“So… what? Is the end of us is inevitable?” Renée asked, her dark brown orbs were near tears.
I couldn't bare the sight of it, seeing her upset to the point of tears is one of my least favorite things.
“Well…” I began. She looked up at me with glass eyes. I knew very well what would come next. Trembling lips… then heartbreaking sobs. “Not totally. Let's make a deal.”
I smiled a bit at her, hiding my inner pain. I could easily curl into her, share the pain of our loss. But this might be the last time I ever get to do that, and I wanted us to share the feeling of loss as though we hadn't lost at all because somehow, in some way, we'd still have each other.
Renée looked at me curiously.
“Say… let's compromise. If I do not find that girl by the time we're forty, will you, Renée Marika, marry me?”
Renée retracted with a dramatic gasp. Her hands loomed over her mouth, I could barely gouge her expression. Eyes widened, sad teary brown eyes shone differently. “Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes! These are the words every girl dreams of hearing.”
Her body entrapped me in a hug, I could sense her smile from the hug. I hugged her back.
“This works perfectly, both of us won't ever be lonely this way…”
“Or unhappy.” Renée finished. “l look forward to marrying you at forty. When there's no one else who can.”
“l look forward to that too.” I put a strand of her hair behind her ear.
“But sometimes, I wonder what it'd be like if we weren't so different. If we were ground from the same mill.”
“l wonder that too.” She said, still in her position of our hug. My hand ran over her tight curls. “But I think the differences are what makes us work so well. Or, at least, made us work well.”
The bitter-sweetness of those words pierced painfully through me. This was really it.
“You're right. But for now, I guess we're… friends.” I finalized, the words coming out of my mouth felt detached from my me. She pulled away from the warmth of our embrace.
“Friends it is.” She wiped her tears threatening to fall from her eyes expertly to not wipe away expertly done wedding makeup.
“So, when is your flight?”
“Tuesday.”
“So soon?”
“Yeah. I need time to settle in a bit before work starts.” She smiled.
“I know you're going to kill it out there, Ray.”
“Thanks.” She retracted, and she looked at the ground once more. “And Chris, please do me a favor and not let Jessie know that we've broken up? It's her wedding day, and it'll destroy her to find out that we're… over. No less, on her wedding night.”
“Of course. We must not upset the bride. It's the law.”
“Thank you, but until I think she's ready to hear that… please, let's just pretend we're still together.”
A small boy then came over and pulled gently at Ray's dress. “Hello ma'am, may I request a dance?” He fumbled with his words a bit.
“Aww.” She smiled at the small boy. “Of course.” She toyed with his bow tie.
“l knew that this day would come, but I didn't think it'd come this soon. Take good care her of her for me buddy.” I ruffled his hair before they went in and danced.
I looked at them from the porch as the wind blew over me. A cold chill ran through me.
I watched my now ex-girlfriend dance with a little boy, at one of my best friends wedding. She was going on to Barcelona to expand as a model, just as she had always dreamed.
And I was going to watch and support her as a friend.
It was easy to say. But in reality, without her, my life instantly dulled. The moonlight was a bit dimmer, the music was a bit harder to hear, and it became a little harder to breathe.
Everything just seemed…
Black and white.
I left her for a chance for my possibly idealized version of what I think I wanted. I realized at that moment that I had developed the biggest dilemma of my early adult life: I wondered if I'll ever meet the right girl for me.
Or if I did, and I just let her go.