2001, November 7th.
"You're just useless, aren't you?" Snickers of an overconfident girl filled the classroom, her eyes glaring me down as she tried to threaten me. "[Yn], [Yn], [Yn]. When will you ever see that you will never fit in, no matter how much you try to play pretend, you'll always be a weirdo" her mocking words fell off her tongue like poison, sinking into my skin and burning into me.
Hearing her say my name, made me hate it. I hated to hear my name come out of that nasty mouth of hers. I hated to hear anyone call me that name, because it'll only ever remind me of her cruel words. "Well? Aren't you going to say anything you dumbo!?" She took a step towards me, grinding her teeth harshly, making me shiver with discomfort from just the look of it.
I hadn't taken it into thought but I was more scared on the words she was saying, they didn't make much sense to me, an eight year old child. She was the same age yet she seemed so much more mature, how could that be? Did I really just not fit in with the other kids to the point where the words they say don't make sense? It doesn't ever make sense.
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2004, February 12th.
"Partners, choose your partners for your art assessment!" Eyes scanning over the room, the teacher looked over everyone of us. I stood from my seat in a second, eager to go and ask someone to be my partner before everyone else had already paired up. "Hey, Hani!" I waved my hands over to the only girl who didn't speak in class, she was my best chance at a partner.
Shaking her head, she ran off to one of the boys, pairing up with him. My face fell into sorrow, not only was I rejected, I was rejected for a boy. "Oh my, [Ln]? Are you without a partner?" Frowning with her fingers resting on her chin, the teacher held a look of sympathy for me. Causing me to deadpan.
"Well.." before I could continue, a figure stood in front of me, taking up my view. "Actually, I'm [Ln]'s partner" smiling, Ishikawa looked down at me with a small thumbs up. I nodded back to the teacher with a smile "yeah, Ishikawa and I are going to work together!" She smiled at the sound of that before writing our names down together.
My cheeks heated up slightly at the thought of how Ishikawa could have chose anyone in this room, but he chose me.. the outcast of the class. "Hey, Ishikawa paired up with [Ln], I didn't think she was one of the popular kids" soon, the whispers started spreading along the room like wild fire. "Hey [Ln]! Be my partner for next time okay?" One of the boys waved at me with a smile.
My eyes lit up in surprise as the sun shone over me, the sun was warm but the feeling inside my chest felt warmer. People, were starting to like me.. they were starting to think that I fit in. "Okay, I will!" Clenching my fists in delight, I nodded with a big smile as Ishikawa smiled from the side, happy to see me talking to others for once.
Although it was only because of Ishikawa talking to me, I was happy to have others think of me as one of them.. even if it only lasts until Ishikawa and I seperate, I'll forever remember this feeling, I'll forever remember Ishikawa.
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"Come on, come on! Get out of the wayyy! I need to see what class I'm in!" Shouting and jumping around, I tried to see over everyone's big heads to find my name in the class lists. Getting impatient, I pushed them all to the side with my hands, twisting my body to the side so I could make my way to the front to where the others were sort of standing.
Hori gasped "I found my name! Looks like I'm going to be in class one with you two, Yuki, [Yn]" Hori turned to face us with a smile. "Awesome!" We all cheered at the same time while giving each other a high five. Though I did have to admit, I cringed slightly when I heard her same my name, I knew that I allowed her to say it but it still sounds so.. bitter to listen to.
"This is going to be so much fun, I'm so lucky to get in a class with my two besties again!" Sparkles floated around me as I dazed around, delighted to not be alone in a class with people I don't really talk to that much. Turning around, I saw Ishikawa's purple hair sticking out, tugging on the girls sleeves of their shirts, I nodded my head towards him with a smile.
"Let's go see what the boys got for their class! Ooh, I'm so excited to see" dazzling with happiness, I skipped towards Ishikawa who was accompanied by Miyamura and... Iura. Oh jeez, last time I saw Iura was when he thought I was peeping into the boys locker room with Hori. "You guys find your classes yet?" Hori asked with a smile, stopping right behind the boys.
Miyamura turned around with a ghostly expression of fear "yep.. sure did.." his voice came out squeaky. "Oh, gosh!" Hori's tone was full of concern and worry, for herself of course not really for Miyamura. His expression was just so frightening to look at. Walking past them I made my way over to Ishikawa before pulling on the end of his sleeve "Ishikawa, what class are you in?"
He jumped a bit at the sudden tug of his sleeve before looking down at me with an relaxed expression "oh, [Ln], I'm in class one!" With a cheer, his eyes sparkled. "Hey me too!" I clapped my hands together before cheering along with him "isn't that sweet, Ishikawa told me how you two have been inseparable since like the age of nine"
Iura turned to us with a grin before looking down at me "I can see why he hasn't separated from you, you may peek into the guys locker room but look at that beauty" his tone seemed as if he was joking, yet that's always how his tone was. This was just usual Iura behaviour, joking around constantly. "Well, I'm the one who hasn't separated from him since then.. but thank you for the compliment" I smiled back towards him.
"Oh yeah Ishikawa, you remember that song that you gave me the other day? Welll... I accidentally deleted it soo.." Iura looked towards Ishikawa with an innocent gaze. "What? Cmon dude" with a groan, Ishikawa pouted in annoyance "well, I was trying to free up some storage and then.. poof" Iura continued on, holding the same innocent gaze. Yuki then started to giggle at the story's scenario.
"Wow, what a dumbo you are" with a teasing grin, I lightly punched Iura on the arm, he then smiled back awkwardly while rubbing the spot where I punched, acting as if it hurt. "You wound me, pretending as if my punch hurt..it's okay, I know I'm as weak as a fly" pouting, I turned my head to the side in annoyance. My muscles were fragile, I didn't know why but no matter how much I tried to exercise and build them up, it never worked.
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"Okay, I want everyone to split into groups of four for this project, go ahead and team up now" as the teacher spoke up, it had now dawned on me that with Miyamura added into the group, we were an uneven number. Looking up from my desk, I watched as the others all started to grab their desk and co-join them onto Miyamuras desk, making a group.
For a second, my heart pounded in my chest. I then turned my head back around and clenched my fists. "[Ln]? Are you without a group?" She spoke up, the classrooms attention turning to me. "Oh, well.." scratching the bottom of my chin with my finger, I couldn't speak up or find the words to even manage to speak.
My head went empty as I recalled back to my childhood memories, this has happened once before.. though that time, Ishikawa jumped in, this time however.. he will not. "I do not have a group, that's okay, I can work by myself miss" at the suggestion, she only frowned at me while scanning across the room before putting her hands on her hips.
"You can work as a group of five, it's a lot better then being in a group of one.. it's made for a group, it wouldn't be fair to mark you as singular when everyone else had help and team effort" with a frown she tilted her head towards Hori's group who were looking at me with anticipation. They held looks of guilt, which made me feel somewhat guilty as well.
"If that's fine.. then okay" smiling softly towards her, I stood up from my seat and dragged my desk over to the group, placing it on the side of the other desks so that I was facing to the side of all of them. "Sorry [Yn], guess we didn't realise that it would be an uneven number now" Hori frowned as she pat me on the shoulder with her hand, feeling bad about it all. Everyone turned to face her, their eyes slightly wide for a second.
"[Yn]? Is that your first name [Ln]? I didn't think anyone was on first name basis with you" Yuki gasped from her seat as she then pouted. I tried to smile but it twitched for a second, the more the name gets repeated the more it feels disgusting to hear. I thought that maybe if someone like my friends said it, I'd finally like to hear being called it again, but that hasn't happened yet. Perhaps it will take some time.
"Yeah, [Yn] is my first name, go ahead and call me by it if you like" risky of me to say, but I needed to get back to using it. I won't be able to go my whole life without using it once, I should learn how to get over with it now before then. They all simply nodded before getting to work, as they did so it seemed like the world went quiet again. That's been happening lately, it's almost as if the world was frozen into place as I zoned out.
As I refocused into reality, I looked to the side to see Miyamura giving me an odd look. I panicked slightly, my soul leaving my body at his death stare. "Woah, [Yn]! Are you okay?!" Jumping up from her seat, Yuki gasped and ran over to me in worry, she yelled in panic as she swung her head side to side in need of help. Unable to speak, I only nodded with a dumbfounded expression "Uhuh.." was the only answer to escape my lips.
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I watched in fear as Hori pulled her finger back and harshly flicked both Ishikawa and Miyamura on their foreheads without hesitation. She glared them down with disappointment and anger, her hands on her hips as she scrunched her mouth up. "If you're gonna do a forehead flick, hold back a little so you don't hit our skulls so hard!" Ishikawa wined as he rubbed his sore forehead with his hand.
"I said we'd finish the report over lunch, and you both bail!?" Leaning towards both of them, she spat in their faces as they continued to look on at her with complete fear. "You better have a good reason!" She then crossed both of her arms under her chest as she impatiently tapped her foot on the ground, awaiting for their response. Ishikawa held an nervous smile "is affirming our friendship on the roof a good reason?"
Dumbfounded, I continued to look on at Ishikawa, his reasoning isn't what I had expected to hear as an excuse. "You're both as creepy as you are stupid if you're being serious!" Unimpressed with his answer as well, Hori groaned in pure annoyance. Ishikawa's expression then lit up "hey, if we're stupid then what does that make Yoshikawa?" At the mention of her name, Yuki tensed up.
"And what does that mean?!" Yelling in annoyance, she marched towards him with a death glare, looking him up and down with anger. The scene had caused Hori to laugh with a big smile, I started to laugh as well, enjoying the smile on her face as much as I enjoyed watching the other two argue. Yuki looked towards us with a pout as she crossed her arms, not wanting to give in to our laughter.
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"Yuki, heyo!" With a smile, I ran over to Yuki and jumped on her from behind, causing her to yell out as she swayed back and forth from the impact. "Oh, [Yn], good morning!" She returned back the gesture with a small hug and a small smile on her lips. Now that we had both greeted one another, we continued on our way inside the school walking alongside each other.
Yuki then tittered her head up "you know, Tooru was asking about you yesterday" she then looked at me with a sad smile, crossing her arms in front of her "he was really worried for you, apparently you kept spacing out a lot" her smile then dropped as she spun to face me completely. "Is anything wrong?" Her question was genuine, her voice was filled with nothing but concern.
Closing my eyes, I simply shook my head and smiled "no, nothings wrong" turning my heel, I faced my locker and opened it, letting my smile slip off of my face. Truth be told, I didn't know if anything was wrong, I think that I was just worried about being replaced with Miyamura.. and going back to the place where I started, where no one liked me or even wanted to talk to me.
"Okay then, let's head to class before the bell rings" shutting her locker, Yuki then waited for me to close mine as well before grabbing my hand and dragging me to class with her. "Hey, if you see Tooru, please talk to him" before we entered the classroom, she gave me a little advice with a small smile, trying to encourage me before she walked her way into the room where the rest of the students were starting to gather in for class.
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"Your hands are tiny Yuki!" Hori smiled brightly as she put her hand up against Yuki's. I don't know how we got to this point after class but it's what happened, Yuki smiled as well before latching her hands onto Hori's, Hori happily latched her hand as well. "Hey grabby!" Hori and Yuki had sparkles reflecting off of themselves as they continued to smile at each other with weird expression.
"Doesn't your heart skip a beat when someone takes your hand?" Yuki was shining sparkles as she spoke, her tone excited for the topic. As she said that, I looked down at my own hands palm, trying to imagine what it would be like if someone were to actually hold it. "I dunno, what I do know is that you have the cutest little fingers!" Hori giggled in reply to Yuki.
"Ooh [Yn]! Let me look at yours!" Hori turned her head to face me in a flash, making me jump at her sudden demonic demanding tone. "Ah, yes!" Timid, I ran over to her and held my hand up, to which she only giggled and put her hand up against mine. "Hey, your hands are kinda small as well! How cute!" Hori pulled her hand away before sparkling again.
Hori's personality was always so bright and cheerful, she was just so pretty to look at, she was kind as well. I'm kind of jealous how she could be so many of those things at once. "I bet your hands look little too, compared to a guys hand" Ishikawa spoke up as he walked over towards us from where he stood with Miyamura. His hand was held up as he awaited for perhaps Hori to compare her hand to his.
"Guys hands aren't near as fun to compare though" Hori was quick to shoot down Ishikawa's thoughts on the topic. Still, she turned around and placed her hand against Ishikawa's, causing him to jump a little as his lips parted slightly. He wasn't expecting her to actually do it as it seems by his expression. "Latch on and you're dead" with a scary tone, Hori glared towards Ishikawa who's face drained of its colour.
He turned his head away with forced tears "you hear what she said, Miyamura? I'm literally risking my life just for the chance to touch Hori's hand" Ishikawa's expression was drained as he scrunched his face up in sadness. Miyamura held a bright aura as he held his thumb up "mine are open and waiting, you can touch away" was his only reply. I cringed and stuffed my hand in my jacket, slightly weirded out.
"No thanks!" Ishikawa shook his head while holding his hands up in an X format. My eyes lit up as I then took my hand out of my jacket and stared at it for a second before looking up at Ishikawa. "What about mine then? If Hori's hand is slightly small for you, and mine are small for a Hori... then your hands must be giant compared to mine!" My eyes sparked as I imagined it throughout my head.
"Oh, okay" Ishikawa turned to face me before holding his hand up again, with a small smile I placed mine against his as well. Just as I excepted, my hands were really small compared to his giant hands. "Woah, your hands are so small!" Ishikawa gasped out loud as he examined each of my fingers thoroughly, amazed at such hand size. He then latched onto my hand "they're also small to hold.. woah that's so amazing."
My face turned slightly red as I took in that he was holding onto my hand, I think my hand started shaking a little because he looked up at my expression. "Woah hey! Why is your face so red?" Shocked, he pulled his hand away "did something happen?!" The stupid idiot couldn't even comprehend why my face was red, he really was dense, he never knows the simplest things that are happening right before him.
"Because you suddenly latched onto my hand! It shocked me, okay?!" I yelled at him while waving my hands around, embarrassed to have to explain that out loud. It should have been obvious but he just couldn't catch onto it. "That's shocking? We use to hold hands a lot as kids I believe.. I guess I just never noticed how small your hands were then" muttering to himself, his fingers were resting against his chin.
Dumbfounded, my eyes went round like an idiot as I smiled stupidly "oh yeah, that's right, we did do that" I then giggled in a weird way. Ishikawa gasped as he took a step back "how could you forget something like that? Am I not enough for you, is that it?" He started fake crying like a big baby, sniffling onto my shoulder. "Hey! You're going to get snot all over me Ishikawa!"
As I pushed him off with a look of disgust, he only chuckled "I'm glad to see that you're doing better today, [Ln]" my lips parted as he spoke. Even though.. everyone else is calling me by my first name, he's still calling me by my last one. Why is that? Does he know.. how much I use to hate it? Or, does he just not want to call me by it? In return to his gesture of worry, I nodded.
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As Hori and Yuki talked to one another, I sat on top of one of the desks as I yawned out of tiredness. The sound of footsteps reaching towards us made me look up, Hori and I both gasped at the same time while Yuki turned her head "hey Miyamura, what's up?" She lifted her hand to wave while holding a small smile. When her eyes opened, she let out a small quiet screech of distress.
"Nothing much" was Miyamura's only answer, he totally ignored the bruise under his eye, as if it was nothing. He walked past us and to his desk that I was sitting on, pulling the chair out to sit down. "What the heck happened to your face?" Hori leaned her hands against the rest of the room on the desk as I then hopped off of it and studied the bruise on his cheek. Miyamura let out a long sigh before folding his arms.
"I got punched and wound up fighting with someone" that caused Hori to gasp as she leaned in towards him a bit more "what? You, got into a fight?" Just like Hori, I was also quite shocked. Miyamura always seemed so collected and calm, I never thought he'd be the type to go throwing punches and fighting with someone else. "But with who?!" Hori desperately asked, her eyes wide as she was awaiting an answer.
"Ishikawa.." he mumbled the answer, my eyes went wide for a second and my lips parted in worry. "You're kidding me!" Hori held the same expression "I mean, sure, he's a big dummy dum-dum, but I never thought he'd throw down with a friend!" Hori then let out a sigh of frustration. I clenched my fists and then looked down at Miyamura with eager eyes "is he okay?"
Hori jumped at my question, turning to face me in a flash "is he okay?! Look at Miyamura! If anything we should be asking if Miyamura is okay!" She swatted me on the head from my concern for Ishikawa. "Uh, Hori.. actually, the truth is.." Miyamura looked up at Hori with soft eyes, his voice kind of quiet. "I don't want to hear it! Actions speak louder and this action says all I need to know about what kind of guy he is!" Hori cut him off, her voice stern.
My eyes dropped down slightly as I started glaring at Hori without realising. "What kind of guy he is? What's that meant to mean?" My arms were crossed as I continued to death glare her. She turned to me with a look of fear, she opened her mouth to talk but she was cut off. "Morning, Ishikawa! Bro, holy shit!" We could all hear Iura's voice from outside as he spoke.
This caught Hori's attention as she turned her head to face the doorway, waiting for Ishikawa to make his grand entrance so she could yell at him. "Tooru!" Her voice was annoyed, I followed her gaze and my mouth dropped when I saw all the bruises on his face alongside with a big bandage on his cheek. "Ishikawa!" I let out a small shriek of fear and worry as I ran over to him, my hands trembling as I started to wine about his injuries.
"Huh? You called?" He placed a hand on my head as I wined while he looked over to Hori, hearing his name come from her lips. Hori's expression dropped into one of confusion when she saw how beat up Ishikawa was. I wined more and sniffled, the colour from my face drained as my eyes kept glancing around to all the bruises on his face. "There, there [Ln], I'm fine" Ishikawa closed his eyes and smiled slightly.
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The group had split up once again, though I had chosen not to go with either this time. Yuki and Miyamura left the classroom and went down the hall I assume while Hori and Ishikawa just went out onto the classrooms balcony. I stayed seated in my chair beside the window to the balcony, still able to hear their conversation by the tiniest bit if I had wanted to.
Though I didn't have to know what they were talking about, Miyamura had already filled me in on the situation over email. They had started a fight over Hori, I should have expected it honestly. If there's one thing that Ishikawa would fight someone over it would obviously be Hori. It's not like I could blame him, he still liked her a lot, it was easy to see.
That made me feel a little jealous.. that he would jump to throw a punch for her without even having to stop to think about it. While Ishikawa would jump in at any situation to defend me.. I doubt he'd even think of going to try and cause a fight with someone over me. I wish.. that I could be Hori a little, sounds a bit selfish but I'm just afraid of losing Ishikawa.
If I lose Ishikawa.. I lose myself.
"Yahoo, [Yn], he's all yours if you want him" Waving her hand in front of me, I now noticed that Hori was stood in front of my desk. "Oh, okay" I lifted my head up with a small smile, nodding in answer as she then walked off towards the other side of the classroom. Taking this as an opportunity, I stood up from my seat and walked to the balcony.
I stretched my hand out to grab onto the door before I slid it open and stood out onto the balcony, my hair flowing as the harsh winds blew through it. "Ishikawa" muttering his name with a stern tone, I took a few steps towards him before hitting him over the head with my hand. "Agh! Hey that hurt, don't you think I'm already beaten up enough?!" Ishikawa wined as he rubbed the back of his head.
"I don't care! You're the one who got into a fight in the first place, for the stupidest reason ever as well!" Glaring at him, I chewed on the inside of my gum while pouting. I wasn't angry at him, I was just pitying him. "Give up on her Ishikawa, I know that's not what you want to hear but it's for the best" leaning onto the railing, I closed my eyes while letting out a small sigh.
"You think I don't know that already?" He also let out a sigh while resting his clenched up fist on top of my head. Peeking my eyes open I looked up at his expression, it was full of disappointment but it also had understanding. He understood why he had to move on, I was happy for that. It will take him some time, but I know that in the end, he'll finally be at peace with it.
Hearing incoming footsteps, I twisted my head around to see Miyamura coming up from behind. "Well, see you later Ishikawa" parting him with a pat on the shoulder, I turned myself around and started to head towards the balcony door to head back into the classroom. Allowing the two of them to talk about it alone. It'll work out it in the end, I know it will.
Ishikawa has a knack for making things okay in the end of everything after all.