Mitchell's phone went straight to voicemail after it rang for what felt like forever. With a sigh, I dropped my phone beside me and ran my fingers over Winston's back as he slept on my lap. I had a night shift the previous night and my heart almost leaped out of my chest when Mitchell's name popped up on my screen. Unfortunately, I was busy and couldn't talk for long even though I craved hearing his voice more than anything. Mitchell asked me to call when I was free but I slept most of the day and now it seemed he was asleep.
"Eres mi amigo, ¿no?" Winston moved his ears and got comfy on my lap.
Since I slept most of the day, I was wide awake at one AM in the morning. I didn't like the silence at my apartment so two days ago, I came to Dad's place. It was nice to be around family but Mandy and Dad were busy too and other than dinner time, we never saw each other. My brothers were in college so it was just me and Winston, stargazing to pass the time – but even Winston fell asleep on me.
I almost forgot what it felt like to be alone. I'd gotten so used to having people around me as of late that now everyone had seemed to disappear, I felt very lonely. Leo was not the same person anymore, Wang was busy with work and his new relationship, Faith was married and living her best life with Owen and Mitchell... well I screwed up there.
Mitchell was not himself ever since he found out about my presumed pregnancy. He texted daily but it was very brief and almost... cold. I gave him all the space he needed but his cold shoulder hurt. I missed him and the strange turn our relationship took, bothered me a lot.
If anyone made me smile recently it was Wendi, my patient. I grew so fond of her that I looked forward to working every day just to spend time with her. I loved hearing stories of her life as a young woman. She was very endearing and even though I kept my distance when Nowak was around, I still found a way to bond with her.
I sat silently and appreciated the warm night air and admired the clear starry sky. The sound of chirping insects filled the space and acted as a sort of tranquilizer. I cleared my mind and decided not to think about anything, I needed some peace after the last couple of weeks I had.
However, my moment was interrupted when I heard something fall from inside. I froze and assumed someone was awake because there was no way an intruder got into the house with the security Dad had set up.
I gently lifted Winston, carried him inside, and put him on his bed before I headed to inspect where the noise came from. The house was pretty dark so I used my phone flashlight as I walked until I reached the entrance hall where a tall, masculine silhouette stood.
My heartbeat picked up a notch but I bravely turned on the light and a huge breath of relief washed over me when I recognized the figure.
"Dave?" I whisper-yelled. "Why are you sneaking into the house in the middle of the night?"
"Mila?" Dave frowned and blinked twice. "What are you doing here?"
"What are you doing here?" I countered. "Aren't you supposed to be in Boston?"
Dave looked around the room and stepped closer. "Could you keep it down, if Dad hears us, he'll kill me."
"Well?" I waited for an answer. "You left two days ago for school and you're already back?"
"Look, Mils, I don't want to get into this. It was a long trip from Boston, I just want to get some stuff and I'll leave."
"Leave?" I couldn't believe my ears. "And go where?"
"God, you sound worse than Dad right now," Dave muttered to himself. He didn't bother to respond and walked past me but I gripped his arm to stop him.
"I always cover for you, don't you think you owe me an explanation?"
Dave deeply sighed and the closer I scrutinized him, I noticed he was drunk. His eyes were heavily bloodshot, he smelled of booze and had a slight slur in his words. "You're drunk?!"
"What did I say about keeping your voice down?" Dave covered my mouth and looked around the room.
I pushed his hand off, grabbed it, and dragged him through the living room, past the kitchen to outside where I was. I shut the glass door behind me and crossed my arms as I faced him. "Talk."
Dave didn't seem the least bit bothered or interested in explaining himself. Instead, he looked like he wanted to get the hell away from me as quickly as he could. He raked his fingers through his hair and rolled his eyes. "I don't need this."
"David, do not make me wake Mandy and Dad." I huffed and decided to talk more gently. "Tell me what's wrong, you haven't seemed yourself in a while. I meant to talk to you the last time but –"
"But you were too busy and happy in your life to care," Dave abruptly cut me off. "You've got a boyfriend and a new career so I get it. But please, don't interfere in my life, you're not my mother."
I was left speechless and shocked at his outburst. Dave was a bit of a rebel and had mood swings but never had he ever spoken to in that way before.
"How can you ever understand me? You're the perfect daughter who can never do wrong in Mom and Dad's eyes."
"Where is this coming from?"
"It's the truth but you're too much of a snowflake to hear it," Dave retorted. "Everyone has to walk on eggshells around you because you've suffered so much. Dad neglected you and now that he wants to have a relationship with you, no one is allowed to say a word against his perfect, precious Mila."
"Why should, Mom, Eric, and I pay the price for his mistakes?" Dave's voice raised. "You're dating the guy because of whom you almost died and Dad has no issue with it just as long as you're happy. To make matter worse, your boyfriend is the son of the woman that Dad can never get over. How do you think that makes Mom feel? Hearing Dad talk about how good the brownies you made using her recipe are?"
I was at a loss for words, I had no idea Dave or Mandy felt that way. Could I have been so selfish that I didn't see how my relationship with Mitchell affected my family? Was Mandy that bothered at having Mitchell over? I instantly regretted telling everyone I used Carly's recipe but I didn't think how much it must've bothered Mandy.
"I didn't know..." I whispered.
"How can you?" Dave snapped. "You're so absorbed in your own life that you forgot you even have a family. I tried to call you twice and, on both accounts, you said you'd call me back but never did, so please save the fake concern."
"I meant to but I got so busy at the hospital and... I'm sorry, there are no excuses." I stepped forward and wanted to reach for my brother who clearly had a lot on his mind. "But talk to me now, Davey, you know I care."
"You cared," Dave spat. "But you've moved on in life so why the fuck would you want to listen to my issues? Who cares if I haven't a fucking clue where I'm going with my life? My chosen major is just to satisfy Dad, I thought I had a good thing going on with football but thanks to a fractured wrist, I can't play this season, or ever."
"Fractured wrist... no one told me."
"Because Dad said you already had a lot on your plate to deal with. Fragile Mila didn't need the stress of her half-brothers' petty problems!"
"Those are not my words!" I hit back. "I never asked Dad to protect me, I can handle a lot more than he believes. But you're right, the fact that so many things were hidden from me proves that I'm just your half-sister."
"Maybe if you reached out more instead of sailing the seas with your boyfriend, you would've been more involved in your family's life. But just like always, you played your part in isolating yourself from us."
I shook my head. "That's not fair."
"Life's not fair, Mils!" Dave threw his arms out in a surrender position. "I could count the times I saw you during the holidays or special times such as birthdays while growing up but I can bet on my life that everything Dad owns, will go to you. Mom, Eric, and I will get a fraction compared to you."
Where the hell is this coming from?
"Is this about money? Assets? Property? The business?" I asked, confused. "Because I haven't the slightest interest in any of that!" I took in a breath and refused to fight with him. "This isn't like us to fight over stupid, superficial things. Tell me what the real issue is."
"The issue," Dave said between gritted teeth and stepped closer to me. "The issue is, to Dad, there is no one that comes before you. Eric and I constantly have to live in your shadow and it's fucking exhausting. The only reason Dad treats you so differently is because every time he looks at you, he's reminded of how badly he messed up... how he failed you as a father." Dave paused and glared bitterly. "I just don't get why the rest of us have to pay the price for his mistake."
Mistake...
I gulped and it hurt to see hatred for me in Dave's eyes. I didn't know if he was just angry and drunk or if he truly meant those words.
"I didn't ask for any of this," I whispered.
"Yeah, well neither did we."
"I don't see how it's my fault but I can talk to Da-"
"Don't even try to play the good sister when you've already failed me," Dave brusquely cut me off. "Your priorities changed the minute you met Clarke, even before you dated him, he centered your universe. Because of him, you couldn't even be there for your mom when she was on her deathbed, I can't expect you to be there for me."
Dave not only picked at an old wound that had barely healed but he opened an entirely new one because deep down, I knew he was right. I failed Mom in her last days, she craved to see me but I was so selfish to live for once that I couldn't say goodbye. I'd made peace with that but it didn't mean, I wasn't haunted by that fact, and hearing Dave throw it in my face hurt like hell.
"Don't..." I glared.
"The truth is always bitter," Dave spat. "Anway, you're only Dad's daughter, stay in your lane and don't bother me. If I need to talk to someone, I have Mom and Eric, I don't need your concern."
My jaw dropped and my chest tightened at Dave's cold words. He didn't spare me another glance and stormed past me into the house. He had so many feelings built up that I felt he finally expressed his true feelings for the first time. I regretted not returning his calls, I should've known it was serious and had to do with how much he struggled with finding a path after high school. But I was an idiot who thought that he only called to ask for me to get him something like he always did.
He's right, I failed as a sister too.
***
I did my best not to think about the fight I had with Dave as the week went by. Dave left the morning after before Dad or Mandy was awake. They never knew he was home and I didn't tell them. I wanted to call and try to fix things but I felt he wasn't ready to talk and needed some space. Besides, his words were cruel and I was upset with him for that.
Friday, finally arrived and I clocked more hours than needed at the hospital just so I didn't have to be alone. After the altercation with Dave, I went back to my place and the silence got to me, so to beat that, I worked and worked until I was exhausted and had no time to do anything other than sleep.
Mitchell was still very distant with me, we texted but we might've as well not have with how vague and detached he seemed. I had the urge to call but assumed that when he was ready, he would've reached out. He mentioned how busy he was and often apologized for delayed replies.
"I have good news, Wendi," I spoke to my half-asleep patient. "Your granddaughter is on her way to see you."
"Hmm," Wendi drowsily hummed. I checked her vitals and grew a little concerned at how rapidly they dropped. The previous day Wendi was the best I'd ever seen, she even recognized me as her doctor and spoke in the present tense for once. However, ever since morning, she was barely able to keep her eyes open.
"Hang in there," I softly told her. "Your real honeybee is almost here, wait for her."
I didn't want to leave Wendi alone but was obligated to my other patients. I glanced at her over my shoulder before I left the room and hoped she was going to be okay. With reluctance, I managed to leave but my mind was on her for the rest of the day.
"Mila, you need to take a break." Kiara bumped into me later that afternoon.
"No time," I hurriedly replied.
"Mila," Kiara gripped my arm and stopped me. "You're going to burn out, you've skipped lunch every day this week and I haven't seen you sit once."
"I'm perfectly fine, Kiara," I assured her. "I have a good breakfast every morning and stuff my mouth with food in the evening when I get back," I lied.
Kiara looked skeptical and concerned. "I don't believe that, you look drained and I have a feeling those dark circles under your eyes aren't just from lack of sleep but lack of nutrien-" Her words were abruptly cut short when I was paged for a code blue.
My skin prickled as panic set in when I rushed to Wendi's room. Kiara was on my tail but I couldn't care less, I needed to get to Wendi as soon as possible.
"What happened?!" I entered her room filled with two nurses and the steady beeping sound of the EKG monitor.
"Cardiac arrest and acute respiratory failure."
"Get out of the way." I made sure the electrode pads of the defibrillator were on properly. "Clear," I instructed and pressed the shock button in hopes to get a heartbeat again.
"Come on, come on," I desperately chanted. Wendi's body jerked up and down but the haunting beep never stopped.
Until finally a faint heartbeat was heard. Wendi hung on by a thread and her vitals kept dropping unless I did something to keep her breathing until her granddaughter got here.
"Get the ECMO in here, we need her alive!" I shouted at the nurses.
"Doctor..." One of the nurses looked at Wendi's poor heartbeat and then at me skeptically. "I don't think she can hold on long enough for that."
"I am the doctor not you, now do as I say!"
"Mila," Kiara placed a hand on my shoulder. "The nurse is right, in a case like this, there's no point in prol-"
"What kind of heartless doctors work here?!" I snapped. "Get the damn machine now, time is of the essence!"
"What is this commotion about?" The dreaded voice of Nowak entered the room.
I paid no heed to him, I had a patient to keep alive and time was against me. Wendi's heart was barely beating, I watched in horror as the zigzag line on the monitor slowly eased out into a flatline. "No, no, no!" I pressed the shock button of the defibrillator in hopes to get a stronger heartbeat but failed miserably.
"Dr. Brinson, step away from the patient," Nowak coldly said.
I ignored Nowak and solely focused on Wendi. Even in a panicked state, my mind took me back to two years ago when I walked in too late to find Mom's lifeless body in a hospital room. "You have to wait for her, please," I pleaded.
"Dr. Brinson!" Nowak shouted. "Please move aside, you're not doing any –"
"No!" I shouted. "I will not give up on her!"
"Dr. Kapoor, please," Nowak softly requested.
Just as I was about to press the shock buttons once more, Kiara pulled me away. "Mila, you need to step away, now."
"No!" I cried and tried to shrug her off but she held on firmly. "Let Dr. Nowak handle this, please."
"He'll let her die, they'll all let her die without saying goodbye."
"Mila!" Kiara pulled me aside and I was too weak and hysterical to fight her.
"Wendi, you can't..." My voice faded out as I was dragged out of the room by Kiara.
"No, I have to save her!" I tried to run past Kiara but she held me back.
"You don't understand!" I helplessly cried and my eyes stung with tears. "She has to say goodbye, she promised she'd be here!" Tears rolled down my cheeks and my chest tightened. "Don't you understand?! I can't fail her! I promised!"
"Mila!" Kiara gripped my shoulders and gave me a little shake. She gulped and stared at me in pity. "Calm down, please."
My vision was blurred with a fountain of tears, I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore and my chest ached. I became Mila from two years ago who failed Mom. I was brought back to that dreaded hospital hallway and I watched the cruel nurse's wheel Mom away without letting me see her.
"You don't understand... she called me Honeybee... like Millie bee..." I sobbed. "I never said goodbye... it hurts, it still hurts."
Kiara wrapped her arms around me and caressed my hair. "Shh."
"I promised but I f-failed."
"Never in my career have I ever witnessed such unprofessionalism!" Kiara pulled away and I watched a blurry Nowak storm towards us.
"Dr. Nowak." Kiara immediately stepped in front of him. She whispered something but he didn't have it, he walked past her and glared at me.
"Is," I choked and sniffed. "Is she..."
I didn't care if Nowak insulted or threw me out of the hospital at that moment, I couldn't even think properly. It felt as if I were dying, breathing seemed like a mission and all my mind saw was Mom's lifeless body and all I heard was her voice telling me over the phone that she missed me.
"Dr. Brinson," Nowak spoke softly for the very first time. "I think it will be best to take the rest of the day off and perhaps a few days into the next week too."
"Is she... gone?"
"Do you have someone who can pick you up?" Nowak ignored my question.
Dad? No, I've already burdened him enough and the last thing I want is to get any special treatment. Patrik? No, he'd report my state to Dad. Leo, I wish but I doubt he'd even bother answering my call. Mitch? God, I wanted nothing more but he was over a thousand miles away.
I took in a few deep breaths, wiped my tears, and nodded. "I can get back on my own."
Nowak stiffly nodded. "Dr. Kapoor," he called for Kiara and walked off.
"Mila, are you sure you can get home by yourself?"
"I'll get a cab."
"No, I can drive you or I'll call Jim. You shouldn't be alone."
"Alone is exactly what I need right now," I insisted.
After a hot shower, I curled up into a fetal position in bed and hugged myself. My eyes burned from the amount I cried but still, couldn't stop my tears.
"I love you, Millie bee," Mom's voice from the plushie Leo got me said. I repeatedly pressed on it and heard her voice about a hundred times.
"I'm sorry I failed you, Mom," I choked on a sob. "I'm so sorry."
I was doing so well over the last year. I thought I'd moved forward but all it took was a patient with a relatively similar condition to Mom's to have my relapse.
My throat ached and I felt drained of energy. My thoughts drove me insane and the silence killed me. I got up to blow my nose and wash my face before I grabbed my phone. I didn't care if Mitchell needed space or if he was still mad, I needed him.
Mitchell's phone rang continuously until it went to voicemail. Frustrated, I cursed under my breath and dialed him again but to no avail.
"¡Vete a la mierda, cabron!" I yelled and threw my phone against the wall.
"If you can't put aside your ego when I need you, then I don't want you!" I screamed into my pillow, feeling utterly helpless and alone.
***
I spent all of Saturday miserable in my apartment. I went nowhere, spoke to no one, and did nothing productive. It felt like I was sucked back into the time I recently lost Mom and the feeling consumed me.
By the time Sunday night arrived, I grew sick of feeling sorry for myself. I showered, tried to cover up the dark circles under my eyes, and headed to Queens to a Spanish/Italian restaurant I frequented with my family.
I took a cab and left around nine PM. I'd gotten so used to going out with Mitchell or friends, that it felt odd at first to sit by myself and listen to my surroundings while I quietly tried to eat.
I still didn't feel like myself but the change of environment and presence of other people helped a smidge. I reminisced happy memories as I sat at a familiar booth and watched people around me dine and converse with those they held dear.
When I threw my phone against the wall, it turned off and I didn't bother turning it back on. I was reminded that I came alone into the world and had to be perfectly okay again with living alone. I'd gotten way too used to leaning on people and letting them in but all it did was hurt me. I hated how codependent I'd become and it needed to stop because when I felt at my lowest, no one even budged to stay at my side.
Once I was done eating, I ordered flan in hopes to feel closer to Abuela whom I missed terribly. Unfortunately, the flan tasted nothing like hers and I had to force it down before I asked for the bill and got ready to leave.
It was around ten-thirty when I stepped out onto the street ready to hail a cab but bumped into a familiar face.
"Leo?" I tapped his arm.
Leo, who didn't notice me, looked taken aback at my appearance. "Mila? What are you doing here?"
"Eating."
Leo glanced at the restaurant behind me for a second. "You still remember this place?"
I nodded. "How can I forget? I think I celebrated at least half of my birthdays until my tenth here."
Leo half grinned. "And you always ate so much cake that you ended up sick the next morning."
"Yeah."
"You're here alone?" Leo asked and I nodded in response. "Clarke allowed you to come out here at this hour alone?"
"I make my own decisions and he's in LA."
"Yeah, but it can get rough out here later at night, you shouldn't be alone."
"I can take care of myself, always have."
"Of course." Leo nodded. "Anway, I'm about to leave, I'll see you around."
I hated how weird things were between Leo and me. Leo used to be in my corner my whole life but ever since Bora Bora, he changed and it hurt. It made me wonder if what Dave said was true, that I pushed people away because my priorities changed the minute Mitchell entered my life.
The same Mitch who couldn't get over his anger and didn't take my calls. No, I need to fix things with Leo, he was there for me long before any other man was in my life.
"Are you headed home?"
"Yeah."
"Since we're headed the same way, I can catch a ride with you."
Leo's posture stiffened and he scratched the back of his neck. "I mean, I have to see someone first and I'm not sure how long it would take. I'll get you a cab though."
I knew Leo and whenever he lied, he scratched the back of his neck. I narrowed my eyes and refused to allow him to avoid me any longer. "Yeah, nice try. You forgot how well I know you." I spotted Leo's BMW parked a few feet away and made my way over.
Leo stood immobile and watched me while I obstinately stood and waited for him. "Well, are you coming or not?"
Leo shut his eyes and sighed before he slowly made his way over. "Mila, I'm serious, you should rather –"
"I will stand here all night alone if I have to."
"So fucking stubborn." Leo rolled his eyes and unlocked the doors.
If I was in better spirits, I would've triumphantly grinned as I got in. Leo looked annoyed as he put on his seatbelt and started the engine.
We sat in silence for most of the drive until I couldn't take it anymore. "Wasn't that hard, was it?"
"Why must you be so pushy?" Leo irritably spoke.
"Why have you drifted so far away?"
"What?" Leo looked at me with a frown before he looked at the road again.
"It's been months now and you've completely changed towards me. We barely speak and you avoid me all the time. You don't return my calls, you make excuses to leave when we meet and when we do talk, you cut all our conversations short."
Leo rolled his eyes and shifted lanes. "You're overthinking."
"That's a bullshit excuse and you know it."
"I'm busy Mila, we aren't kids anymore, we have responsibilities and lives. I can't drop by for tea all the time."
"I forgot to add that you've turned into a giant asshole."
"The term is adult and if you can't accept that, then you have some growing up to do," Leo coldly replied.
"This isn't you," I muttered softly.
"Yes, it is, this is who I've always been." Leo glanced at me for a second, his brown eyes looked almost black in the dark. "I'm just no longer the Leo who sugar-coated everything just to protect you and your fragile heart."
I grew annoyed. First Dave and now Leo called me fragile. "I am not fragile and you know that!"
"Sure," Leo scoffed. "Want to put it to a test?"
I didn't know what Leo meant. "Test? I thought we were adults so why the games?"
Leo ignored my question, checked the rearview mirror, and glanced at me. "Are you buckled up?"
"Huh?" I frowned.
Leo didn't reply with words but rather actions. He pressed down on the accelerator and the engine roared as the numbers on the speedometer grew. My chest tightened and my skin prickled as we reached a hundred miles per hour then quickly one twenty. The car zoomed past other vehicles and my throat felt constricted as Leo skipped lanes and overtook vehicles at what felt like lightning speed.
"Leo," I whispered, unable to find my voice.
"What's the matter? Scared?"
I gulped and dug my nails onto the seat. Lights around us blurred and all I heard was my raging heartbeat and the loud engine. My head spun and my breathing picked up rapidly, I looked at the road ahead and was sucked into a tiny, suffocating space.
My mind raced back to me behind the wheel on a slippery road in Boston, I felt as upset as I currently was and drove with tear-filled eyes. The road in front reminded and taunted me of that time. I panted and my heart felt like it was about to hop out of my chest.
"Leo..." I barely whispered and tried to breathe.
Leo didn't hear or he didn't care as he drove like a maniac. "Leo please," I spoke more audibly.
"Admit you're fragile and I'll stop."
"Leo!"
I blinked and my eyes stung. My throat was dry and no matter how much I gulped it didn't help. Leo swerved onto another road and I was pushed against the door. My chest physically hurt and I wanted to scream but couldn't.
"Leo slow down!" I yelled at him.
Leo ignored me and turned towards our apartment building. The speed dropped but was still way too fast to drive through an underground parking lot. Tires screeched on the floor and the engine sounded like a lion's roar and the car swerved from left to right, between parked vehicles. There was a pole that appeared way too close and besides that stood a person, I panicked and glanced at the speedometer. There was no way Leo could've made it without crashing the car or killing that person or both.
"Leo stop!" I covered my ears and shut my eyes as Leo swerved the car abruptly. With a hard jolt, I was pushed and sprung forward.