Tommy's POV:
It's been 10 days since I last relapsed. It hurts. The Urges hurt. Everytime I'm upset there's nothing I can do because I'm trying. I don't want to upset anyone around me so I've resorted to not talking for long periods of time. It makes my chest burn slightly when I have the urge to talk so I shut up in order for it to last.
It's hard being quite in a house with a bunch of people trying to talk to you. I try to only answer with a nod or shake of the head or the occasional short word answer. I have a feeling that people like me better when I jsut shut up. So many people tell me I'm loud and annoying and to Jsut stop talking. I don't want people to dislike me so I'm just not going to speak unless completely necessary.
Sometimes I'm afraid I will loose my confidence to talk ever but I've thought about going selectively mute for a while, since I was 12 to be exact. The only issue is it doesn't seem very convenient, And I can't seem to shut up forever. Every time I do speek I feel like everyone is judging me. What's the point in speaking if every word doesn't give joy to others. Every failed joke or awkward remark makes me want to shut up and never let another sound leave my mouth.
Sometimes I find myself incapable of speaking, especially when I get really anxious. Sometimes I wish people would leave me alone when I get anxious but they never do. It's always "are you okay Tommy? What's wrong" I don't know what's wrong most of the time. They always try to touch me and hug me when I don't talk but it just makes me so much more anxious.
It's so confusing cause even if I had the ability to tell people I don't want to be touched right now a minute later I would want a hug. It's so confusing I can't ask for help. They will get mad at me. They will be upset if they can't please me. They will be upset that I keep changing my mind. They will leave me. They would give up on me.
I'm currently laying in bed. It's been a few hours since I got out of bed. I don't want to get up. I don't have the motivation. I'm tired all the time and I constantly feel on the verge of tears.
(Lol 420 words)
I've been listing to a lot more music lately and that's been helping a bit. I haven't been thinking much lately, not nearly as much as I used to yet I haven't been sleeping. I usually focus on a couple of simple thoughts at a time otherwise I panic.
I've always feared my panic and anxiety attacks and that fear can sometimes trigger them. Whenever I can feel them coming I start to panic and that never helps. I feel like if I tell anyone I'm tired all the time and I don't feel like doing anything they would tell me I'm faking it for attention. I mean I don't blame them. The only bad thing I've been though was the emotional abuse from my father.
I don't like talking about him though. He's a sorry excuse of a father. It's not nearly as much as other people have been through. I have no right to feel bad for myself. I wish I could just get out of bed. I'm probably faking all of this for attention. I could quite any second I want...
Who am I kidding
I haven't slept in 4 days, I can't bring myself to eat anymore and I barely get out of bed or speak to anyone. I can't remember the last time I brushed my teeth or even brushed my hair for that matter.
I hear a soft knock from the door before it opens. In walked none other than Dream himself. He walked over to my bed and sat down on the mattress.
"Hey Tommy, we're gonna watch a movie downstairs. Do you wanna join us? I know you've been having a hard past couple days so it's okay if not. We're all here for you and everyone in this house is willing to help you feel better, alright? It's gonna start in a couple minutes, come down whenever you're comfortable, we have more blankets down there as well." He spoke slowly and softly to me before running his hand through my messy hair and standing back up.
I started tearing up. I don't think anyone has been that understanding to me. He knew Jsut way to say to not make me feel forced- how the hell. I tried to muster up some kind of 'thank you' but I couldn't.
A couple minutes passed before I took all the strength from the past 4 sleepless nights and stood up. I ran my hand through my hair a couple times trying to detangle the mess. I glanced in the mirror of the bathroom the down to my toothbrush. I can do this. It's not that hard. Just 2 minutes of moving my arm. That can't be to difficult.
I grabbed the toothbrush and put it under the water before putting the toothpaste on it and running it under the water for another second. I used my arm to hold myself up on the counter while I used the other one to brush my teeth. The mint was a bit strong and it burned my nose a little but that's alright.
After 2 minutes I washed my mouth at and ran my hand through my hair one more time. I felt- refreshed. Not energized just slightly awakened. I threw some water in my face then dried it off.
I look better than I did a couple minutes ago. Now I just had to go downstairs. I cleared my throat and looked myself in the eyes.
"Hey."
I said to myself my voice was really raspy. I cleared my throat one more time and repeated the word over and over Jsut in case I had to speak downstairs.
Why do I even care that much
Because everyone will judge you if your not perfect
My own thoughts chimed in
Fair enough.
I took a deep breath and made my way down the stairs grabbing the attention of almost everyone already set up for the movie to start. Tubbo looked at me and smiled.
"Tommy! Come sit next to me! Ranboo no offense but scoot over." I smiled back at him for a moment and watched Ranboo move further right on the couch. I sat between tubbo and Ranboo. I took another deep breath after I sat down. Come on I prepared for this situation.
Dream walked into the living room with some buckets of popcorn and gave me a smile. He joined George and Sapnap on the floor while Quakity and Karl were fucking around next to them doing shit like throwing popcorn at each other and hitting the small container out of George's hand.
I put my legs up on the couch and pulled the closet up my chest attempting to not invade Tubbo or Ranboos spaces. After the movie had started Tubbo whispered to me somthing along the lines of "here you go" before throwing a blanket across the couch successfully covering me Ranboo and himself.
Throughout the movie both of my friends had moved to be much much closer to me .Tubbo had his head on my shoulder and Ranboo was sitting directly next to me. I want complaining though. If anyone in this house would understand it would be them. And hopefully they don't hate me. I mean I haven't spoken to them in a couple days. They probably think I hate them. Why do I always fuck everything up.
Why can't I just talk. Why can't people actually care. They care oh-so much until I can't talk, then they ignore
me, they care "sooo" much until I want to be alone. Then they think I'm being rude or entitled-
What the fuck am I talking about. That's not what my friends do- my friends give me endless support, it's my parents that do that. Fuck no. My friends would never abandon me. They care about me. They care about me more than any family would. They are more of a family than my biological one.
Why do I still feel like they hate me. They shower me in love and affection, why do I feel like they want nothing to do with me. I started shaking my leg slightly. No no no no
This can't happen right now. I'm in a room full of people. A room full of people to judge me. I can't do this right now. I can't move anyways Tubbo is asleep. I closed my eyes and started trying to breath carefully before I lost control of that. Maybe I can stop it before it starts.
In 12345 hold 123 out 123456
One time
Two times
Three times
Four times-
It usually works by now. Why didn't it working no no no no no my hand started to shake slightly . I feel so trapped. There are people sitting right at my feet on the floor. There is someone directly to my right and my left then the couch is behind me. I have no where to go. I bite the inside of my mouth for some kind of grounding.
It's not working why isn't it working. Ranboo must've noticed something was off cause he grabbed my upper arm pretty harshly. I attempted to stop the shaking of my hand but it only got worse. Please please please not now. Jsut calm down calm down please. I tried breathing again before I couldn't anymore. I took a quick unintentionally load gasp. I couldn't breathe. Help.
I felt like I was dying I was having rapid hot then cold flashes. I couldn't focus on anything going on around me. I felt Ranboo grip my arm tighter before Tubbo got off of my shoulder. Thank god. Everything was starting to get blurry. I felt a rush of dizziness as I was pulled from my original space in the couch. I was pulled down the hallway before falling down. I had attempted to keep up with whoever the hell dragged me but I was too dizzy.
I was only getting small amounts of air taken in small gasps.
"Tommy, Tommy can you hear me I need you to breathe alright? I'm right here Just breathe." I listened to their voice and tried my best but at this point I was exhausted. I opened my mouth in an attempt to speak before I simply passed out.
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Word count: 1809
I'm not editing this rn cause it's late but I hope you enjoyed this so far I have no idea where I'm taking this story cause it is my first but yeah. Don't forget to vote in order to be cool :]