Collin
~
Margo and I stayed on the roof until four in the morning.
We didn't talk too much, but we didn't need to. I think both of us just wanted to be in the presence of someone. To feel normal, even if we were lounging on the top of a mental hospital.
We walked back to our rooms when staring at the stars in silence became boring and our eyes started to droop. Margo seemed okay by the time we walked to her room, but her emotions are hard to read. She's very good at hiding them.
I didn't get much sleep. It's nine in the morning now, nearly time for my medication, so i don't bother trying to fall back asleep. I don't mind, though. Sitting up on that roof with Margo was the most peace I've had in months.
Today's schedule will be the same as yesterday and the day before that, and I wish I could grab a remote and fast forward to when it gets better.
After the nurse brings it to me, I take my medication and then head to the cafeteria for breakfast. I only grab an apple, not feeling like eating anything too big.
The cafeteria is relatively empty, with a few patients lingering here and there. I take my apple to go and walk around.
Group therapy isn't until one o'clock and I've got nothing to do to occupy myself until then.
I slowly walk towards the common area, hoping someone or something will cure my boredom.
I have no luck though. It's empty and the TV is entertaining a vacant couch. I sigh heavily, plopping myself down onto the couch and stretching my legs.
Some kind of sitcom is on, one I don't recognize, and the harmonic laughter of the audience every two minutes is starting to make my head hurt.
I let my eyes flutter shut and try to block out the noise, sinking into the uncomfortable couch.
I don't know how much time passes before I hear a loud bang and several shouting voices.
I immediately jump up, my curiosity carrying me out of the common area and towards the voices.
I stop in the doorway to the visiting room. The last person I expected to see was Margo.
Her hair is tied into a messy bun, small pieces of hair flying around her face. She's bright red and her eyes hold the most anger I've ever seen. Her oversized clothes make her look small and fragile, but her fierce demeanor and piercing stare have her looking unusually intimidating.
"Who the fuck let him in here? Get him out!" She shouts, her voice taking on a lower, more aggressive tone.
I can't see who she's talking about from where I'm standing, but I assume it's not someone she's fond of.
"Babe, don't be like that. You know you miss me." A raspy male voice sounds from the other side of the glass. I can hardly hear him, but he's definitely shouting as well.
"What's going on here?" The burly security guard stands beside Margo, looking very uninterested.
I lean my back against the wall closest to the open doorway, ensuring that Margo or the security guard won't see me eavesdropping. I peek my eyes around, only the top of my head visible.
Margo ignores the security guard and whips her head around to face the mystery man, laughing monotonously as she licks her lips.
"Go fuck to yourself, X. Now get the fuck out of here before I break this glass and choke you to death with my bare fucking hands!" She takes a deep breath and turns away from him again as if his face is too aggravating to look at.
The guy chuckles. "You think you can take me? I'd like to see you try."
"That's it," Margo says under her breath. She quickly turns and makes her way to the glass, winding her arm back and preparing to slam it into the glass. "Ow- stop! Let me go! Fuck."
The security guard and a nurse are now restraining Margo, the security guard grabbing her arm before she had a chance to throw a punch.
"How pathetic," the guy shouts. "Poor little bitch can't even swing at me. Must suck to be fucking crazy." He's clearly taunting her, trying to get a reaction. It's working, too. Hell, he's making me fucking angry. Who speaks to a woman like that? To anyone like that?
Margo fights tirelessly against her restraints, kicking her legs angrily. "You're the reason I'm here in the first place you sick fuck! God, let me go!"
"No, no, babe," he tuts. "you're the sick one, remember?"
Finally, a nurse starts talking to the guy and orders him to leave. He says something back to her but their voices slowly fade until I can no longer hear them. All I can hear is Margo's struggling and the whispers of the few other patients that heard the commotion and came to check it out.
"Fucking finally!" Margo screams as she flips someone off after she gets one of her arms free. The guy, I assume. She keeps shaking her other arm and nearly slapping the security guard as she scowls at him.
Nurse Penny rushes past me, bumping into my arm as she runs to Margo's side.
"Let her go," she says to the other nurse. They comply and Margo puts her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath. "Margo, just breathe. He shouldn't have been let in. He used a fake name."
Has this happened before? Who was that? I have an idea, but he honestly could be anyone. I don't really know anything about Margo.
Margo laughs humorlessly again. She stands straight, looking at Penny with so much anger and hurt in her eyes. I can see her eyes filling with tears but she doesn't let any fall. Her frustration is rolling off of her in waves.
"Of course he fucking did. He tried to give me drugs, so," she turns to the security guard. "maybe your buddies in blue should go fucking arrest him."
The security guard's eyes widen as he walks away, mumbling something into his radio.
"Margo, I need you to calm down. Remember the breathing exercises?" Penny asks, her voice soft and calm.
Margo rolls her eyes. "I'm fucking calm. I just- fuck! I hate him. I hate him so much."
I'm assuming this guy is her ex-boyfriend. She's mentioned him a couple of times. Saying he "ruined her life" and all. From what I've seen, I don't doubt it. Why would he bring her drugs? Margo said he was the reason for her cigarette habit, but drugs?
I decide to stop eavesdropping and walk back to my room. I've already invaded her privacy enough by witnessing... whatever that was.
What a fucking asshole, though. Trying to give her drugs? Calling her sick and crazy when I'm pretty damn positive he's part of the reason she's here in the first place.
I should talk to her, check on her, but I don't want her to know I saw all that. It wasn't my place to eavesdrop like that, and I don't want to make her uncomfortable or embarrassed.
I decide to take a nap instead. I'm insatiably exhausted.
I set my alarm clock to go off a little before one so I don't sleep through group therapy, though I'm sure a nurse will wake me up beforehand. We're not really supposed to take naps.
I pass out anyway, letting the darkness soothe my mind.
~
I'm sitting in this sad circle, staring at Margo's empty chair, praying she walks through those doors.
Dr. Cambree sits straight and surveys the room, an obnoxiously kind smile on her face, one that never seems to leave. Bell sits across from me, looking down at her hands in her lap and picking at her nails. The girl beside her is yawning, kicking her legs out fully and leaning her head back, looking like she's preparing for a nap.
Everyone in this room looks utterly exhausted. The kind that sleep can never fix.
The door to our room opens and in comes Margo, anger still gracing her features. She drags her feet over to her vacant seat, smiling slightly at Bell as she sits down. She sits on the chair crisscrossed and stares at the carpet.
"Alrighty, now that everyone's here, let's begin," Dr. Cambree starts. "Today's session is going to focus more on mental health and relationships. How we can nurture our relationships even with our mental health issues."
Margo scoffs loudly, causing Dr. Cambree to look at her funny. "Something wrong, Margo?"
"Nope." She says shortly, her eyes never leaving the carpet.
"Why don't you go ahead and start us off then." Dr. Cambree's aggravating smile stays intact as Margo rolls her eyes, clearing her throat.
"Relationships are bullshit. It's easier to just go through life on your own. No one to trust means no one to let you down. The only person there to blame is yourself." Margo looks at me for the first time and our eyes lock for only a second before she sighs, looking away.
"The only thing I've gained from letting people into my life is fucking misery. I thought I got a boyfriend and instead, I got a drug habit with a dash of abuse. I thought I had parents instead I got locked up eight times. So, sorry, Janelle, but I don't give a flying fuck about maintaining relationships while suffering from bipolar disorder, because no one seems to give a fuck about me."
Margo finishes and the entire room goes silent. Even the white noise seems to have stopped. Dr. Cambree's smile is gone and her eyes are heavy with sympathy. She clears her throat. "Margo, do you think maybe you're surrounded by the wrong people."
Margo scoffs. "Fucking obviously."
"Language, please, Margo," Dr. Cambree doesn't get angry, she just smiles like she always does as Margo mumbles an apology. "Oftentimes people come into our lives that do not have our best intentions at heart. In fact, our feelings don't seem to matter to them. Some people simply don't know how to treat others properly, but that doesn't mean every person you meet is going to disappoint you or screw you over. It just means you haven't found the right people yet."
I clear my throat, grasping Margo's attention. "My parents have ignored me since I was ten years old because at ten I was able to feed myself. Every friend I've ever had has either committed suicide or left me because I was 'too complicated,'"
I turn to Janelle now. "It's not fair that we're constantly letting people in and never getting anything out of it. How do you expect us to want to nurture something that's never benefited us? Something that feels impossible?"
I can feel Margo's eyes burning a hole through the side of my head, but I don't look at her. I focus on Janelle and whatever inspiring Doctor words she's going to spew next. I don't hear them though.
"Because we can't get through this world alone." That's all I heard. That's all it took to get me to snap back into reality and finally bring my eyes to Margo. She's staring at me still, her eyes filled with wonder.
We can't get through this world alone.
"We can try," a boy says, his voice low and shy.
"Of course, we can, but people need people. It's the way of the world and unfortunately, sometimes you have to play the game of the world." Dr. Cambree sounds ominous for the first time, her voice not holding all the cheer it can muster.
I raise my brow at Margo, waiting for her to stop staring at me. She doesn't, she just smirks and shakes her head. Is she challenging me to a staring contest?
I've got no idea if that's her intention, but I refuse to blink or look away anyway. I'm sure people are beginning to notice that we've gone silent and our eyes are locked on one another across the room. People are talking but I'm not really registering what they're saying.
I've learned things about Margo in the last few hours that make her more interesting than I'd originally thought. There's a lot more strength in her than I realized, and all that pain in her eyes is from years of trauma that I don't think even she has addressed.
It's clear that she's fighting constantly, maybe a battle that she can't win, but everything in me is screaming at me to help. She doesn't need my help, but I want to give it. I need to.
I guess this bullshit group therapy topic was helpful in a way, even though I'm no longer listening or engaging in the session.
My eyes are stinging like crazy and I have to break contact, water dripping from my eyes rapidly. I rub them quickly and sigh in defeat, looking back up at a very triumphant Margo.
If anyone noticed our shenanigans, they didn't make it known. Everyone seemed to be tuned into the conversation around us.
Her victorious smile was contagious and I found myself smiling, too.
After a few more storytimes and not-so-therapeutic words from Dr. Cambree, we're released.
"You're a loser, you know," Margo creeps up behind me, a smirk still lingering on her lips.
I sigh, turning to face her, stopping in the hallway. "I let you win,"
She chuckles, shaking her head. "That's what they all say. So what's my prize?"
I pretend to think hard about it, glancing around the empty halls as if something will magically come to me. "Uh, a cookie from the cafeteria?"
Margo frowns. "Seriously?"
I laugh. "That's all I got."
Margo just shrugs, walking towards the cafeteria, not bothering to look if I'm following. I do, though, because why wouldn't I?
Before we can make it to the cafeteria, we're stopped by Nurse Penny who smiles brightly at us. "Hi guys. Where are you two headed?"
"I need a prize," Margo says, pointing down the hall to the cafeteria.
"A prize?" Penny questions, raising an amused brow.
Margo waves her hand. "Long story. Anyway, I need my prize."
Penny looks around cautiously as if making sure no one else is around before facing us again. "I might have something in mind..."
Margo and I share a confused look, feeling apprehensive as Penny waves her hand and tells us to follow her. We do, sceptically.
She takes us up to the fifth floor to the very end of the hallway. This floor is colder, darker somehow. Most of the doors are open and empty, resembling that of an abandoned hospital.
Once we reach what seems to be our destination, Penny looks at us. "This is top secret, okay? Only me and a few other nurses know about it, so keep it quiet, got it?"
I glance to Margo who looks at me and we both nod, turning back to face her. "Got it." We say simultaneously.
Penny turns back to face the tall wooden door with a big padlock. It's old looking, it looks like this door has been here since the 19th century.
Penny pulls a key out of her pocket and unlocks the door. It's dark inside as we walk in. Penny flips the light switch on to her right and I stop in shock, taking in my surroundings.
Holy shit.
We're surrounded by eight feet tall bookshelves, covering every inch of the wall. There are thousands of books packed into every single shelf, not a single bare space. The walls behind the bookshelves aren't even visible. This is the most impressive library I've every seen.
I watch as Margo's jaw hangs open, her eyes wide as her eyes scan every last inch of the room. I do the same, noticing the types of books on the shelves. Every genre possible is here, old and new, all kinds of authors, famous and unknown.
"I don't understand... why is this here?" I ask, turning to Penny who is watching us with a small smile.
"I'm not sure what this room was before, but a couple nurses and I have been working on this for a few years. It's a little oasis, I guess you could say. This place gets a little tough sometimes." She explains.
"You put all these books here?" Margo questions, lifting her hand to pull one of the books out.
She nods. "Me and some other people. We've been collecting books and bringing them here. Around that corner over there are some bean bag chairs and reading lights. If you guys ever want to come up here, I can give you the key, but no other patients up here. I need a promise."
"I promise," I say. Margo said the same after me.
Penny smiles. "Well, I'll let you guys look around for a bit. I'll come back and lock up later."
Penny leaves, shutting the door and letting us explore a little.
We spend a lot of time in silence, looking around in awe and finding books that we like, and even books that we didn't know existed. This place makes me feel normal. Like I'm not in a hospital surrounded by sick people. Like I'm not contemplating death every five minutes.
Here, we're normal. We're just book lovers in a library. And for now, I'm okay with that.